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Chanukah Gelt is always appreciated!!
If you are concerned about a “goyish” problem tell the person how it’s Chanukah and you are so proud of the good job in school or another positive thing they are doing that you are giving a present. As long as you don’t have a red pompom hat on, you’ll be fine!!!
Teshuva is so important, thanks for the reminder! I was so fartracht with the Health Care Reform Bill today, I totally forgot that Chanukah will soon be here. Here’s my Chanukah message:
Chanukah is about overcoming influences that are diametrically opposed to Yiddishkeit. The immorality and their belief and worship of their strength are what the Greek Empire is most remembered for.
B’Avonoseinu Harabim there are people in our heilige schunos whose moral behaviors and belief in Kochi v’otzem yadi mimic the Greeks of old. May the warm lights of the Chanukah candles thaw their minds and hearts. Tashev Enosh Ad Dakah they should return from such beliefs which are anathema of Torah Judaism, before it’s too late.
When all our frum community works to stop strengthening the hands of Oseh Resha, surely we will see the Ohr Haganuz with the Geulah Sheleimah Bimheira Biyameinu Amen!!
Senator Nelson who’s vote is needed to ensure no filibuster and passage of any compromised bill has added an amendment preventing ANY public (government) plans from paying for abortions. This is a religious stance and something the frum community should applaud him for doing. He has committed to walk away from the entire OBAMAnible Health Care Bill if his amendment doesn’t pass.
After speaking with Senator Durbin it appears that the amendment will not pass and the entire negotiations on health care may be tabled. His opinion is, unless a compromise is agreed to by end of business on Friday the entire discussion will be moot.
My head is spinning from all the discussions of the day but for Obama Care opponents like me today is a good day. Obama Care is wrong for the country and ethically challenged.
NO!
E-mail is a creepy and gutless form of communication.
The only thing worse than that is to ask her out on a blog comment!!
Have it re-redt and go out. It will go much faster either way a second time around. Good luck!
Some shadchanim ask for a picture. The purpose for the picture is NOT to show it to the boy. The purpose is to refresh their memory once they met you, so the girl will be a person not a resume.
Shidduch Solution:
“You wrote $360. Is a monthly fee”
If this isn’t a typo, please clarify.
EDITED
Jothar: Exactly the reason why people are in shock over the endorsement of the Shidduch Vision idea. It is so distasteful there are no words to describe it.
1] BMG does not represent the totality of the city of Lakewood. The taxpayers of Lakewood have the right to voice their opposition and input to where their tax dollars should go.
2] BMG as a non-profit entity has no legal right to involve itself in politics. They cannot endorse a candidate, or they stand to lose their tax exempt status.
BMG might be mammoth enterprise but the city is no longer based solely on it. So, YES people could protest when they see BMG act like Robin Hood. Robbing from the rich to pay the poor is not Tzeddakah, it’s Chammas.
Mishpacha & Yated
Dear Rabbi AZ,
Besides for the dubious statistics and obvious data manipulation already discussed here ad nauseum:
1] The problem is/was/and always will be the monetary incentives offered by NASI. Simply put, HaKezona Yaaseh Es Achoseinu? How low can an organization stoop?
2] NASI bosts “760” shidduchim to date, that is nothing to be proud of. Quality is far more important than quantity.
3] Letters to the Editor and ads sent in by NASI to the media are misleading, but acceptable. Having a representative sitting online twisting like a pretzel to advance an agenda takes the entire NASI project to an entirely new level of deception.
Whatever minimal points NASI scored in the media was lost by your constant bending of the truth and pitbull tactics of ignoring ANY other attempt to suggest another possible cause.
The more a person believes with complete Emunah that any segulah works, it will work. It’s Hashem who you are supposed to rely on, NOT the segulah!
cherrybim:
You seem to be into trivia. Here’s another question:
Which Rosh Yeshiva who signed the Wedding Takanah document refused to attend a wedding where the bill came close to 100K for a night of gluttony?
Not one.
Signatures on Age-Gap Documents are merely signatures. Dictating policy is simple, following your own decree is the tough part!
Doing this will be construed as a BAN. Bans work in moderation. However, now that bans have been SO ABUSED, people look at banned things as the ideal. So, doing this would most likely INCREASE cigarette use in our community.
Shikur, I’ll show you I’m still a yeshiva bachur at heart!!
What’s the shailah?
Osama Obama is the key. Reid and Pelosi will IY”H be packing up their leadership roles by this time next year. While the Destroyer In Chief still has until 2012. All we can hope for is the real Moshiach to come and we can all celebrate B’avod Reshaim Rinah. V’kal Lehavin!
By simply reading the YWN Home Page one has a clear answer. A yeshiva’s administration must have a derech on which to follow. When a yeshiva seeks to turn a profit by involving itself in business pursuits, and has diversified its portfolio into real estate the hadracha of the yeshiva suffers. Therefore, a yeshiva with so many layers of administrators, is TOO LARGE TO FUNCTION.
Why would NASI need a costly website when they have a FREE billboard here on Yeshiva World??!!
By the way how much money has the shadchan of Shaar Hatorah made off the NASI sponsored age-gap “crisis” hysteria??? After all, when trying to assess the source of a problem you have to follow the money!!!
AZ:
Most people aren’t upset with the NASI age-gap THEORY. What irks people is (1) a NASI representative wrote in an e-mail how NASI’s rabbinical coordinator suggested inflating statistical data to increase the “crisis” status (2) the original idea of offering a monetary incentive increased inappropriate shidduchim and was built to benefit a few shadchanim, not the singles (3) the latest $50 enrollment fee or your daughter won’t get married currently being advertised, is repulsive.
Because of this, no letter or public relations gimic utilized by NASI will ever be taken serious by the thinking population. NASI has impeached itself, therefore all the signatures and statistics are suspect.
AZ:
Keep them numbas coming! We are all fascinated by numbas!!
Maybe change your name to NUMBAMONSTA!!!
You aren’t getting anywhere, it’s time to focus on writing gushing Letters to the Editor and paying the same editors for two page ads in the frum print where no one can argue.
Abusive husbands and family are THE cause.
As I have said a zillion times:
If there is a history of abuse or estrangement in the family, WATCH OUT. It makes no difference how old a person is, ABUSE is not something you can accept or settle for. It’s up to you to make your own decision, but know the ramifications ahead of time.
Girls being fed doom and gloom statistics+ Shadchanim and families urging to settle+ Short dates+ Minimal communication during engagement+ Chosson parents vs. kallah parents financial squabbles= Chassan/kallah marrying without trusting each other.
Divorce was given in the Torah as an option. No one is required to live in misery. HOWEVER, we as an Am Kodesh should insist that organizations with FALSE agendas, FALSE statistics, and FALSE endorsements stop sewing desperation into the hearts of people. The solution of one “crisis” is often a far more serious crisis.
I remember back in the day, one year the yeshiva made a big issue about not following the Super Bowl. Needless to say that year of the 120 bochrim usually there for night seder, 30 showed up. That was the last year they talked against it, and they had full bais medrash for years after.
The surest way to put a taivah in his head is to ban it. If your kid wants to follow it, that should be your worst problem. if he doesn’t care about it, don’t bring it up.
demosthenes: Two years is extreme and sounds like another attempt at age-gapology.
1] If a girl comes back from seminary with pie in the sky ideas which are not ideas she had prior to her year in seminary and are diametricly opposed to her upbringing, by all means let her wait until she lands. Reasess her ideas in six months to see where she is holding on the issues. Otherwise, she will either marry quickly and wake up to reality too late, or get engaged, freak out, and break up.
2] If a girl comes back with the same hashkafos and didn’t monumentaly change her overall worldview on basic Jewish living, and SHE chooses to date there is no reason to hold her back. Judaism doesn’t practice MARRIAGE CONTROL, no matter how great a “crisis” might be.
This is a very important thing to remember. Especially with so much talk in the Coffee Room about the topic of shidduchim.
To me there are only a few real red flags. How does the father treat the mother and vice versa? How do they treat their children? Do people in their community have MANY positive things to say about them or are they keep-to-themselves types? How does the young man or woman in question act towards wait staff in a restaurant, or to tradespeople, store clerks,etc? How do they act around little children? These are important questions to seek out the answers – not which summer camp they went to, or whether or not a seminary was too “modern.”
If you plan on getting a job in the real world: NO
I know that Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim holds of this idea. It is valid and the point should be understood well.
WHEREAS, all discussions and possible angles to the “Crisis” have been brouoght to light in the Coffee Room.
WHEREAS, every reader is convinced of their own perspective.
BE IT DECLARED on this 21st day of October 2009 THAT the YOU can Resolve the Shidduch Crisis thread a moot point and a DISMISSED topic.
CASE CLOSED!!!
cherrybim:
Many of those so called Kol Kories have turned out to be either fabricated, or signed signatures with no verifications.
Use your own judgement and it’s time to move on from this very pressing “Crisis”. Those who are convinced are convinced, and those that aren’t, AZ and 70 signatures won’t help. It’s time to MOVE ON.
AZ, contrary to cholentkugelkishka’s assertion I was in no way trying to embarrass you. I am blown away with your dogged determination to fight for what you feel is right. While I will never agree with your viewpoint or reccomendations, you are putting up a good fight nonetheless. You deserve a giant cup of decaf coffee, so you can chill out and try to see other people’s viewpoint.
WHEREAS, AZ is proudly enforcing Rav Shteinman’s ideas in the Coffee Room.
WHEREAS, AZ continues to dazzle with anonymous facts and figures of schools.
WHEREAS, AZ has definitively concluded the sole reason for the “Crisis” is AGE GAP with no other possible explanations.
WHEREAS, AZ has staunchly defended the “hard labor” of Shadchanim and is fighting for wages comparable to lawyers.
BE IT DECLARED on this 20th Day of October 2009 a day of honor for AZ.
Have you ever met a person who has paid a salesman for walking him around on a tour of the car dealership, when he didn’t buy a car from him?
No ticky, no washie! it’s just that simple.
If shadchanim had the audacity to ask for fees upfront for their efforts, they would become FORMERLY successful shadchanim.
“Rental cars, cleaners, parking, hairdressers, manicures??, entertainment, etc.” These are all items people do for hishtadlus to put the right foot forward in the hope that this boy/girl will be “it”. These items benefit the potential courtship. These are all items to help complete the sale.
Paying a salesman for not completing the sale benefits no one besides for the unsuccessful salesman. Most salesmen are given a base for trying, so it would be nice to give the unsuccessful salesmen, flowers, chocolate, gifts, etc.
AZ:
If society dictates shadchanim must be compensated (not flowers, chocolate, gifts, etc., but real money) for shidduchim that are legitimate suggestions. Please answer this question honestly:
Will this new phenomenon cause more shidduchim to progress past the “serious-level” threshold (If I’m forced by society and am paying anyway, might as well go through with it) OR will it cause potentially viable shidduchim to fall apart by being prematurely called off by boy/girl because it’s not worth the fee?
Call your father and tell him straight out that while you’d love him to come, he should be prepared to see your mother taking an active role in the party. It will really hurt you, and emotionally scar your little munchkin if he acts out at the party. So, the choice is entirely his. He could behave at the party, or come by two hours later for a private gathering of celebration. Be HONEST with him, it works as long as there is no abuse involved.
Moderator 72:
Door #4
Moderator 72:
Creating gender specific pages will be the worst thing possible for a frum site. This will cause people with criminal minds to portray themselves as the opposite danger and cause much worse trouble.
As hard as it is to moderate a site where everyone at least tries to act like a yeshiva person, it will be infinitely harder once you open the door for double identities. Baruch Hashem you probably have no experience with criminal minds. Try keeping it that way, and keep an open, neutral forum for discussion.
so… is that a vote for option “4” or a request for option “5” with no gender specifc sites at all and a scrapping of the Tznius support group?
Fine!
But, please read the main point.
Thanks!!
Joseph:
It depends on how much needs to be covered up!!!
oomis your ideas are very reasonable and respectable, regardless of the socio-economic level of either side.
Truthsharer:
Neither is an organization scaring people to donate to their cause OR ELSE your daughter or neice won’t get married. It cheapens the cause.
estherh:
You said older lady, but didn’t give an age. However, it is very possible she was either hallucinating or experiencing a situation of post-traumatic stress. She was gripped with fear and pushed the girl away in order to be calmed by a familiar face, or to protect her granddaughter. Everyone has their own issues they deal with from the past. I am sure YOU would never want HER baggage, and she wouldn’t want yours either.
WHEREAS, Dvar Mitzvah and Osek B’Tzarchei Tzibbur B’Emunah are no longer applicable. WHEREAS, The bottom line is the ONLY line that counts nowadays.
WHEREAS, Hashem is no longer in charge of shidduchim rather statistics hatched in a smoke-filled room in a yeshiva are in charge of shidduchim.
WHEREAS, Girls are taught to search for quality boys who will stay in learning forever.
WHEREAS, Boys demand Size 2 girls, wearing makeup all the time, with a straight sheitel, and just the right length skirt.
It is hereby proposed on this, the 14th day of the month of October 2009 the following. Every shidduch made from this day forward, the shadchan will receive $5,000 in escrow. The account can only be opened 5 years from the wedding date.
HOWEVER, each time the husband is late to his avodas hakodesh, $20 will be deducted from the total sum. Each pound the wife gains $5 is deducted. Every dress size $100 will be deducted. Every time the husband sees his wife without makeup on, $25 will be deducted. If the wife changes her hairstyle, $500 will be deducted.
Since we live in an illusionary world, the actual fair SHADCHANUS FEE:
NOT MUCH!!!
AZ:
I already have said, I feel terrible for the girls. Especially those who were snookered and fell for the “crisis” mentality. The poor girls who settled, who took miserable abusive spouses, who settled for families more appropriate for the…. Girls who are trapped in a hamster wheel of abuse with nowhere to turn. Some of those very signatures you are touting simply wipe their hands from disasterous marriages.
That is why:
For all girls, parents of girls, advisors of girls etc. Please DO NOT feel pressured to settle and fall for the glitz and glamor three page newspaper spreads about a “Crisis”. Unless one of the 70 signatories of the AGE GAP campaign guarantees (Nafsho keshurah benafsho) to personally turn over heaven and earth to protect you from a bottom-of-the-barrel spouse/family, DON’T DO IT. Please, I beg of you, don’t throw away your life, HAVE EMUNAH IN HASHEM.
cholentkugelkishke:
What’s wrong with flowers, gift basket, or gift cards? There are plenty shadchanim too, it’s just many parents only want “NameBrand” Shadchanim. So they ignore good shidduch ideas simply because they don’t like the shadchan.
AZ:
I LOVE numbers.
Please post more.
Kindly make some charts, diagrams, and spider maps. The more visual you make it, the more people understand it.
Queen Hilnee also thought she could solve the shidduch “crisis”. It didn’t turn out so pretty. Raising awareness that Hashem is mezaveg zevugim will help solve the problem.
Again my contention is the AGEd GrAPe issue. Too many people become drunk with hyped up statistics and fall in for bottom-of-the-barrel shidduchim/families.
But, we can agree to disagree!!
tzippi:
You have every right to be disgusted by the new AZ brainstorm proposal. It boils down to one word, UNETHICAL.
A comparable profession to shadchan is headhunter. A headhunter goes to a company and is contracted to find the best employee for the open position. The headhunter prescreens the candidate, knows their backgrounds, and helps move the hiring process along. IF the company is satisfied and hires the candidate, the headhunter gets paid his contract. If the company doesn’t hire the candidate the headhunter flew in from Australia, the headhunter lost the gamble and gets paid ZERO. It is entirely UNETHICAL of a headhunter to charge a fee to the candidate to be set up for an interview, or to even charge for succesful placement.
Shadchanus in halacha is meant as a sign of hakaras hatov, not a fee for services rendered. A shadchan is doing avodas hakodesh and is not meant to be a dating service or worse.
sberger: It is very accepted EVEN by shtark yeshivish crowds. Many shidduchim happen like this when boys go into a chassuna in L.A. Many other methods besides for narrowing the “age gap” can also help ease the “crisis”. But, don’t tell this to AZ.
AZ:
You win.
You are so gifted and talented.
I totally agree with you.
The shidduch crisis IS caused by the AGED GRAPE issue. Too many people are drunk and fall into the bottom of the barrel.