Forum Replies Created
The best segulah is to daven to the Ultimate Shadchan above and to have bitachon.
I believe I heard somewhere that if one is davening for others with intention of getting answered first, that it doesn’t work. The individual needs to actually sincerely be davening for others. Not sure if I’m correct, though. Even if I am correct, I don’t know the level of lishmah you need to be either.
NOTE: I’m NOT saying por didn’t do that at all, I was just making a general clarification.
Try the lehman’s list on shiduchshuk.
Also, it should be noted that many hotel lounges are somewhat open now (you man need to wear a mask to get to your table, but once you’re sitting down they’ll let you remove it). Just make sure to call beforehand.
I don’t know what’s been going on in other places. However, as Hakatan pointed out, there are plenty of frum people being careful. My yeshiva, for example, installed plexiglass in between every seat, and the person across from you is distanced 6 feet apart.
Also, I’m not sure what exactly you’re suggesting frum women do. Mimonovshoch: If you’re suggesting that women privately at home tell their husbands and sons (I’ll presume you mean in a nice way) to be more compliant, then I don’t see why you would consider that to be a lack of tzniyus. If you’re suggesting they go out in the streets and have some kind of counter-protest, then I’d say you’d need an halachic authority to decide whether or not it’s proper to be over on tzniyus to avoid a chillul Hashem. If the halachah is that it’s assur for women to act that way, then we would know for a 100% fact that Hashem doesn’t want them to do that.
I’m sorry, but it would be a strong lack of kavod hatorah for ANYONE (man or woman) to speak to a rabbi like that. Most of the rabonim have been careful about the guidelines too. Furthermore, I would hope most wives wouldn’t talk to their husbands like that. There’s a nicer way to communicate to your spouse without admonishing them.
And I wouldn’t call the demonstrations in Brooklyn “riots.” It was all peaceful besides for one horrible incident. While I agree that not listening to the rules like that could be a big chillul Hashem, and therefore, this should’ve been handled differently, you must admit that a random rule for SPECIFICALLY houses of worship limiting it to 10 people is ridiculous. Let’s say it’s a building that can hold hundreds of people. Why should that be treated the same as a shteeble? And why if that same building were a business instead of a shul should the rules be any different!? So, my point is, while I agree it should be taken care of differently, you can’t blame the frum community from being upset when these rules have no rhyme or reason to it.
Back to the topic of frum women, most of them aren’t on the streets protesting PRECISELY because it’d be a lack of tzniyus to do so. I’d bet that most of them agree with their husband’s opinion, though.
Just because they’re not near the SC now, doesn’t mean anything when the SC has lifetime appointments. Based on the anti-religious direction the Democrat party (and certainly the media who often the party like to follow) is going, I wouldn’t be surprised if this became an issue 20 years down the line, just like it did in Europe (not to mention also forcing yeshivas to teach shtus in their history classes). The democrat politicians have a progressive base to appease, and therefore are certainly more likely to be anti religion. Certainly more anti- Israel. So now we look at Trump’s three nominations: Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barret. All three are great for religious freedom, and therefore a win for Jews.
And I hate to break it to you, but Biden has very disgusting middos too (there’s a clip of him yelling at a guy who was upset at him, and said some very inappropriate things to him, was extremely disrespectful to the president of the U.S. in the past debate (yes, I realize Trump has degraded the office, but still, he’s the president), and is also very arrogant). Yes, Biden is better at hiding his awful middos, but at the end of the day, I still feel pro religious/ pro- israel/ pro yeshiva policies with slightly worse middos, FAR outweigh anti-religious/ anti- Israel/ anti- yeshiva policies with slightly better looking middos.
He’s done that, because he’s a slimy politician like everyone else, and wants to win votes from swing states. He’s flip flopping all the time. During the primaries, he was MUCH more progressive to win their votes, and now he’s just doing it again. Why should I trust him not to flip flop again, when Trump has for the most part, during his 4 years in office, been one of the most pro-religion and pro-Israel presidents we’ve ever seen.
While true, the new court may not have the guts to undue past rulings, at least we know they won’t make even WORSE new rulings: Like banning bris millah, banning shechitah, or forcing rabannim to be meseder a same gender kiddushin.
My opinion is, Trump and Biden both have bad middos (admittedly, Trumps are less well hidden), but the fact is, that Trump will be rolling out POLOCIES that are far more beneficial for kllal yisroel than Biden, who will have a leftwing anti religion platform.
If you feel the shadchan is setting you up with such awful matches, then maybe you need a different shadchan (I’m sure you’ve thought of this already, though). Either way, as long as the girl isn’t “no shaychus,” I feel it’s important to give it a bit of a chance. In many cases I’ve heard of, the dates with people’s basherts aren’t always a “slam dunk” right away. In regards to attraction, my rebbe explained that in most cases, Hashem does you a chessed, and lets your seichel take over when you first start going out with her, so that you don’t automatically want to marry her right away. Don’t expect to be attracted right away. Sometimes it takes time and an emotional connection.
Please understand, Hashem decided who your bashert is, and the fact that you met the girl you’re going out with is hashgachah pratis. Therefore, it’s important you take that girl seriously. In fact, assume it’s your bashert and attempt to build a relationship towards marriage unless proven that she isn’t your bashert. If you see obvious bad middos, feel like you’d rather clean your room than go out with her again (after giving a fair time for the relationship to grow), etc. That’s a likely sign it’s not the one Hashem chose for you. I feel you shouldn’t say “no” to go out again unless it’s a STRONG no. But if you end up enjoying their company (not AMAZING, but rather just feels right), and your hashkafos are in the same ball park, the fact that she doesn’t necessarily match your “Santa list” shouldn’t be a reason to drop her. We should be going out with a strong system of bittachon. See R’ Bentizion Shaifer’s (Rabbi of “The Shmuz”) dating webinar for more details. I highly reccomend it.
Do your hishtadlus, try other shadchanim, but most importantly, understand that Hashem is the true shadchan, and that if He has you go out with a girl, it’s certainly reason to take it seriously.
This is coming from a fellow single bochur, by the way. 🙂
A gmar chasima tovah, and I sincerely wish you the best of hatzlochah!
Honestly, there should be nothing wrong for davening “whichever govt. officials will be best for kllal yisroel should win.”
Trump has a 100% chance of winning… if Hashem wants it. 0% chance if He doesn’t.August 9, 2020 9:15 pm at 9:15 pm in reply to: Are the Chinese to blame for the covid-19 disease? #1890666
Who cares who the sheliach is? At the end of the day, Hashem wanted it to happen.
I’m assuming his hypothetical case would be where eidem convicted someone with meesah, and only afterwards realized that they’d have to do the execution, or a case where after being mechuyav the guy meesah, they changed their minds and decided they’re too squeamish for it.
My opinion on the biggest reason we need to vote for Trump is the Supreme Court. Trump, hate him or not, would appoint far more conservative and pro religious judges than Biden would. We don’t want to have a government banning bris millah or forcing rabaniim to be mesader kiddushin for an assur relationship.July 24, 2020 12:58 pm at 12:58 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1886353
Oh wow, didn’t realize this from 2011… Ha ha!July 23, 2020 12:29 am at 12:29 am in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1885797
I also have a lot of married buddies while I’m still single. When I spoke with a rebbe about my pain, he pointed out to me two things: 1) He asked if I could tell the difference between the people i know who got married right away or the people who needed to wait a bit first to get married. Once it happens, you can’t even see the difference.
2) In shiur hamaalos we say אֶת־שִׁיבַ֣ת צִיּ֑וֹן הָ֜יִ֗ינוּ כְּחֹֽלְמִֽים. What does it mean that it’ll be “כְּחֹֽלְמִֽים” when mashiach comes? It means that all these years of gallus will feel “like a dream,” meaning once the gallus is over, it’ll feel as if it never happened. Likewise, once you be”H get married (which you do have a bashert, as Hashem promised), all the pain you went through will also be “like a dream.”
Lemaisah, once you’re going through this hand-crafted challenge, use it as an opportunity for growth. That’s what Hashem wants us to do. This challenge combined with the current caronavirus situation is the perfect opportunity to work on your bitachon for example (which is very important in life). Of course, see how this situation has PERSONALLY affected you, and look for ways to PERSONALLY grow from it (i.e. I can’t tell you why Hashem is putting you through this nissayon, but ask yourself ways you personally can grow from it). Ask not “Why is Hashem doing this to me?” Rather ask “Why is Hashem doing this FOR me?”
Now, all you need to do is make sure you’re putting in the CORRECT hishtadlus, and then you’ll know whatever is happening is for the best, because Hashem is in charge, and He’s taking care of you. To know what the correct Hishtadlus is, I highly reccomend you check out R’ Bentzion Shaifer’s (rabbi from “The Shmuz”) seminar on Shidduchim. Everything he gets is from Torah sources and from the mesorah of R’Heanach Leibowitz ZTZL, and it really is solid advice. Hatzlochah! I wish you the very best!
She specifically said a working guy would be fine too, she just feels a learning guy is probably more likely to share her values. I’m sure if she got redd a working guy who also shared her values she’d be open to that as well.
All you can do (like everyone else) is put in the right hishtadlus and once you do that, Hashem decides when the right one will come (I say “when” and not “if”, because everyone has a bashert). The question on the table should only be “what is the right hishtadlus?” To answer that question, make sure you send your resume to a bunch of different shadchanim and the like. If you see on paper you match with someone redd to you (after you check with the references and ensure there’s no issues you wouldn’t find out from dates and you both have the same basic life goals and values), then you go out.
Once you go out with the guy, the fact that hashgachah pratis brought you two together should be reason to take it seriously. In fact, assume he’s your bashert, and work towards building a relationship towards marriage unless a red light comes up (too many people go out with the mindset “prove to me you’re my bashert”). What IS a valid red light? Make sure you have a competent daa’s torah mentor who can guide you. For example, if you don’t enjoy spending time with him (after giving it a fair chance), that’s probably a red light. If, however, you continue to go out with the guy, and you feel like it clicks, you feel comfortable around him, that you enjoy the dates, and look forward to the next dates, that’s a VERY good sign. Just note, it may not be so AMAZING right at the start and everyone’s nervous in the beginning, so don’t be quick to judge. In general, don’t say “no” to go out again unless it’s a BIG “no.” Also, please be careful not to fall into the “Mr. Potato Head trap,” where people sometimes have an image of what their bashert is going to be like before they go out (personality wise (NOT referring to middos), looks, sense of humor, intelligence etc.) and say ” I KNOW this is what I need.” What ends up happening is, they might meet their bashert (which they could’ve figured it out by the fact they enjoyed the dates, looked forward to them, etc.) and completely drop them, because “he’s a great guy, I enjoy his company, and look forward to seeing him again, but I wrote on my list that I wanted a guy with a better sense of humor/ a super genius/ a guy who has deeper conversations, etc.” With all due respect, nobody knows what they actually need. Certainly not ourselves, since we’re filled with negio’s. Hashem knows better than us what we need. And yes, a person can drop their bashert, much like if i used my bechirah to not get a job, I wouldn’t make any money despite the gezirah on rosh hashanah saying I’d become wealthy (the gezirah is true, PROVIDED I put in the correct hishtadlus as I’m obligated to do).
Some of this information was based off the famous “Mashgiach’s Guide to Shidduchim” (Rabbi Mordechai Dolinsky), but most of it was from R’ Shaifer’s (rabbi who does “The Shmuz”) Dating Seminar. I suggest you watch that seminar for more info, it’s got great stuff.
So, again, just put in the CORRECT hishtadlus and daven, and THAT’S your chiyuv. The results are completely up to Hashem, no matter what circumstance you happen to be in.
Once one knows this information: 1) If they ever get dropped, they can know FOR CERTAIN, as long as they put in the right hishtadlus, clearly this shidduch wasn’t bashert, and this was the best thing that could happen to them (as the chovos halevavos says, no creation can hurt or help you, ONLY Hashem can).
2) If the person puts in the correct hishtadlus, and ends up marrying someone, they can know with confidence they married their bashert (the one Hashem decided is best for them).
Also, if you’re not necessarily looking for a learner, you could mention that (just with a caveat that you have very high frum standards), but on the other hand, if on your resume, it may turn off some learners too. Make sure to get proper guidance what the correct hishtadlus is for this one.May 24, 2020 4:31 am at 4:31 am in reply to: Can someone explain to me why some frum people are cavalier about corona virus #1863883May 20, 2020 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm in reply to: Can someone explain to me why some frum people are cavalier about corona virus #1862834
By saying “Now, you can say there’s no concern for the kids,” I meant “Now, there’s at least a tzad for one to say that we don’t need to be as concerned about them.” I don’t know for CERTAIN if this is common enough. Only based on what I said before was I saying I can hear a solid tzad for one to assume it’s not enough of a concern to close all yeshivos.May 20, 2020 5:17 pm at 5:17 pm in reply to: Can someone explain to me why some frum people are cavalier about corona virus #1862833
When I said “disease,” I WASN’T referring to covid-19. I was specifically responding to Health’s attack against me about the strange Kawasaki-type disease that unfortunately has devolved in rare cases of children. I agree that COVID-19 is common enough that Hashem wants us to take the correct precautions for that (and we should). I was only saying that maybe the extremely rare disease some of these children have developed falls under the category of an uncommon danger.
I agree, I’m not a baki in halachah, and I wasn’t coming to make a psak. Let me clarify. The creator of this topic was asking where these yidden are coming from, and I was merely coming to be danlkav zechus and explain the tzad why these particular yidden may not be as worried about it. Despite not being a poseik, I’m pretty confident if the ONLY concern for opening yeshiva’s was some RARE disease may chv”sh occur the askonim would still at least be ok with opening yeshivas with proper precautions. I made a pretty logical kal v’chomer: If our poskim feel it’s safe enough for us to drive kids to Yeshiva where the danger (as far as I’m aware) is greater, kal v’chomer our poskim wouldn’t feel it’s safe enough to take our kids to yeshivah IF the only concern was about the children. I have a raeih too: Why are many askonim calling for the opening of camps now? Not only that, but during the Swine Flu epidemic, the yeshivos didn’t close down, and that was DEFINITELY more common then this Kawasaki-type disease.
Due to the logical kaal v’chomer, I assume the reason the poskim closed down the yeshivos were because of a concern that the kids may chas vshalom infect their older family members or older rebeim. I agree that’s a concern enough to have them shut for the time being until they tell us otherwise. As I said before, I was merely trying to explain where some yidden are coming from, because clearly the creator of this topic was looking to be daan lkav zechus.May 20, 2020 12:54 pm at 12:54 pm in reply to: Can someone explain to me why some frum people are cavalier about corona virus #1862722
I’m not a poseik, but my assumption was that disease was rare enough that it would fall under the גדר of an uncommon danger, and that we don’t need to let the fear of that rare sickness stop our avodah. As far as I know, there’s a larger possibility a kid could chas v’shalom die in a car accident, but we’re not going to say “don’t ever drive kids to yeshiva.” Hashem wants us to take precautions against COMMON dangers. Taking precautions about every little tiny thing shows a lack of bittachon. Again, I’m not sure if this disease is common enough, but I was under the assumption it’s not.
Sorry, but remote learning should never be a permanent replacement for the real deal. It’s extremely important and healthy for kids to learn social skills and the kids can’t pay attention to the material nearly as well.
If you want to open up a real yeshiva in an out of town community, then that should be a fine solution (although there are many good out of town places that actually do currently exist if you feel the need to move).May 19, 2020 4:30 pm at 4:30 pm in reply to: Can someone explain to me why some frum people are cavalier about corona virus #1862396
I hear your question, but the statistics show the chances of a kid chas vshalom dying from this is EXTREMELY low (almost non-existent). They’re much more likely to chas vshalom die in a car accident. Now, it says in the messilas yesharim “yeish yirah vyeish yirah,” there’s the good type of fear, which is for a danger that’s common to happen (ex- very likely to cvsh’ get run over if one isn’t looking both ways before he crosses the street), and the bad type of fear for an uncommon danger (ex- very unlikely to cvsh’ get murdered in a safe neighborhood). For the common dangers, Hashem gave us seichel to use. He WANTS us to put in the hishtadlus to defend ourselves from that (and is in fact a mitzvah). But for the uncommon dangers, we need to have bitachon, and if Hashem wants to cvsh’ have someone get hurt by a danger like that, they wouldn’t be able to prevent it anyways.
Now, you can say there’s no concern for the kids, but maybe they’ll infect older people. I certainly hear that argument, but be aware that:
1) There are some studies out there showing it’s POSSIBLE kids don’t infect adults (of course we don’t know for sure, so we should still be careful)
2) Many people already had the disease, and it seems VERY LIKELY that the anti bodies will make them immune at least for a short period of time (many health experts say that, and the fact that they haven’t been able to find any solid cases of reinfection despite this circulating the world make it seem very likely).
3) It could be the Yeshivas are still trying to be careful with some social distancing rules.
4) It could be many of them aren’t fully aware how contagious this is, or how many asymptomatic cases of this their are. Let’s be dan lkav zechus, please.
@HIE Just go to a park (make sure it’s one with a clean bathroom if you can!) or do a beshow.
I’ve heard of people doing zoom, doing beshows, and social distance dating (i.e. instead of the guy picking her up and bringing her home, they both meet at a park or something, and stay 6 feet apart from each other).
This reminds me of a story my rebbe told me once. My rebbe once had to attend a more modern type of simchah (can’t remember if it was a bar mitzvah or wedding), with lots of fancy lights and all of that. All of a sudden some (if I recall correctly) non-frum jew comes to him and says, “Rabbi, you Yeshiva guys don’t need the fancy lights and loud music. You guys have RUACH!”
The story truly is beautiful, but even if we scale down the weddings and all (which we should), lemaisah it’s important to note there’s still a mitvah to be sameiach the chosson and kallah, and we shouldn’t have these weddings be EXACTLY the same way after this blows over. I mean, I imagine even in the shtetl in Europe people were able to dance with their closest friends/family members!April 28, 2020 7:41 am at 7:41 am in reply to: Now What?? post pesach covid thoughts. Entitled generation being challenged #1854152
As someone from the younger generation, I’m not sure I fully agree with you, but I’ll get to that later. First, I certainly agreed with that first part. It’s been a big pet peeve of mine that many times when Hashem does things like this, people decide to be boei’t (kick away) the nisayon, and say “clearly mashiach is coming!” and go on about there lives as if nothing happens. Look, I have no idea whether or not, moshiach is coming through this, but I know for CERTAIN that Hashem wants us to use these difficult times to grow through them and bring us closer to Him and His avodah. This should cause all of klal yisroel to sit down and do a REAL chesbon hanefesh, and come up with ACTUAL tachbulos on how to fix their flaws (not just say “I’ll take care of it.” REALLY come up with a strategy to work on it). Yes, it’s hard, but this is an amazing opportunity for growth, and it’d be a real shame to squander it.
I do agree that our generation has been too entitled, but are so many guys really looking for money and the prettiest girls? It could be because I’m still in Yeshiva and sheltered to this, but I don’t find that to be true with my chevrah. Also, you said “CAn we not face our true self and believe that parnasah comes from Hashem.” While, obviously all parnasah comes from Hashem, lemaisah, I believe some hishtadlus is necessary too. For example, I don’t believe a guy who plans to learn in kollel for many more years should be going out with a girl who’s an assistant teacher (not working towards a degree), and neither sets of parents have any money. How would they pay rent and for their kids the next years? Of course, this doesn’t mean he should be b’davkah going for someone who’s fully loaded either, but it should be that al pi derech hatevah, they’ll be able to make it work until the man gets a real job (and yes, I agree he should have a real plan, and it should be something that enables him to become closer with Hashem). It could be you didn’t mean he should completely ignore financial situations, though.
Truth be told, I believe I mostly agree with you. Just that one point. I also very much agree people seem to be focused on chitzonios more than pinimi’s at times.
You can certainly call shadchanim on the phone. In regards to dates themselves, I’d assume by the summer things will be better enough to go to certain venues. Even now, people are either dating by skype/facetime, or going into people’s backyards/parks and social distancing six feet away from each other. Hatzlocah!
That sounds very challenging. That sounds like a true nisyayon. As others have suggested, try speaking to his rav/mentor (unless of course, you feel that would be counter productive). Just know that this unfortunately isn’t as uncommon as you think. I heard a shuir by R’ Shaya Cohen of ZA who mentioned that he’s dealt with many adults in families that go OTD. I recommend you try to contact him if you can.
Also, I’m not sure why some are jumping to the conclusion this is internet related, but if it were, that wouldn’t mean that he’s “going OTD.” If someone chas v’shalom struggles with holding themselves back from speaking lashon harah, we wouldn’t describe them as going “OTD.” That’s just called the yetzer harah getting the best of them.