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  • in reply to: the shidduch system #1203075
    Ofcourse
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    In those circles, the boys have the lists. In many other groups, MO, BTs, older singles, boys who have the sense to know they need a parnassah, there the men don’t have such lists, some can’t get a date at all.

    On which planet?

    The key word that girls use over and over is N O R M A L. Most single girls I know are looking for a normal boy. By and large, they want to get married and have kids, and are willing to look away stuff (way more than the guys).

    I invite the guys you speak of to join SYAS or to network and find out who “SB” is, who I spoke of earlier, who emails Shadchanim tens of profiles daily.

    in reply to: an app to solve the shidduch crisis #1024418
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    Some good ideas here. The only way any idea can get off the ground is someone researching and coming up with a clear outline of the idea and then bring it to a highly respected Rov and getting a Haskama. Otherwise at least fifty people will criticize and knock it down.

    Someone mentioned all Shadchanim trading resumes. Someone “SB” is already doing that. Hes amazing!

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203044
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    Ofcourse, I’m wondering where you are finding these guys. My wife and I set up about 25 dates a year and rarely do the guys ask about looks before the date or comment afterward.

    So the concept of guys not giving a yes without a picture these days, must be fabricated or just doesn’t exist in your area. Wonderful!!!! (Hmmmmm. Where is your area?)

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203035
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    How about this: marry a BT like I did and the mother-in-law won’t even be remotely involved in the shidduch.

    Perhaps, but while I’m in awe of BTs for many other reasons, from my experience, male BTs are just as fussy about appearance. Theyre not that much easier to commit.

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203032
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    oomis and Streekgeek: +1,000,000,000+

    The comment about the guys doing all the work was hysterical.

    Sure they do, because most guys get ten times as many dates, while the girls wait for “yes”es.

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203022
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    It’s because potential mothers-in-law are more picky than potential fathers-in-law, and people judge their own gender more because they think they know everything.

    Lets not heap all the blame on mothers in law. The ratio of guys who openly tell me what physical characteristics they like, to those who don’t tell me what physical characteristics they like, are 95:1. We cant blame only mothers for what their sons are saying.

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203019
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    Just thinking though… if all the girls with great Midos, were raised by parents who taught them Midos, why did their brothers turn out differently????

    Perhaps people who taught their kids Midos only have daughters? Or their lessons failed on their sons?

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203018
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    streek, YOU ARE AMAZING and hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!! If only there were boys around with your mindset! I very rarely come across guys who dont speak of what they want physically. But but but….I need to be ….Oy.

    Like my teachers used to say “Azoi vi se christelt zich, azoi yiddisht zich”… we mimic non-Jews. Sad but true. Probably also related to the pitiful lack of good role models these days…

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203007
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    the current system is a loser on all fronts and the only thing going for it is that it is so inept it is destined, within a short period of time, to collapse upon itself.

    What exactly would you recommend as the ideal, that Rabbonim would like and encourage?

    Lets not forget that 75% of singles in our communities get married that way, and we still have a WAY WAY lower divorce rate than the world at large… so B”H it could be worse!

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1203004
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    The point is, people in Frum communities know people. You don’t need boys knowing girls well or vice versa. You need guys who know guys and girls who know girls, and then the overlaps (siblings, close families, neighbors, friendly parents, etc.) can set people up. Honestly, I think turning Shidduchim into a big business has hurt single people more than anything else.

    Great idea thats been suggested for a LOOOONG time, but unfortunately is not happening enough. How many letters have you read to the Yated and other publications, from singles bemoaning the fact that their former best friends dont even call them once they get married, never mind suggesting Shidduchim!

    Depending on getting set up by friends is a recipe for disaster and will only INTENSIFY the Shidduch crisis. Not happening, my friend.

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1202994
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    Trolling, my foot! Its Common Sense.

    If Shadchanim would get paid more per Shidduch, imho there would be more Shadchanim.

    If people are hesitant to put the time into Shidduchim because of financial loss because of the time spent, that leaves only the very wealthy who can well afford to do it without major loss to their families!!!!

    As far as how many Shidduchim successful Shadchanim make yearly, ask a S U C C E S S F U L Shadchan how many Shidduchim they average a year. I think you’ll be surprised. But don’t ask any who are prone to lieing or exaggerating. Get back to us here on that, please.

    in reply to: the shidduch system #1202990
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    I think people here are missing the problem. Ive made more than 10 Shidduchim in the last few years B”H. I deal with Mod Orth Machmir to Yeshivish.

    There are simply not enough Shadchanim willing to put enough time into Shidduchim. A Shadchan averages a few Shidduchim a year, even the most successful. But many make as little as one a year!!!!! If theyre getting 1,000 or even 1,800 a side, and are spending every night, every year involved in Shidduchim, and we all know that most are unsuccessful, they make pennies an hour. With the economic climate we’re in, that’s just not feasible.

    If the very wealthy people in the community would be willing to put every spare minute into Shidduchim, b’chol l’vavam u’bchol nafshum, we wouldn’t have a Shidduch crisis!!!! and lots less heartache, because wealthy people are influential and their voices would be heard!!!

    When ______________ talks, people listen. But, LEIDER they say they have no time (unless theyre looking for Shidduchim for their own children, then theyre busy yomam v’laila and find the time)!!!!

    Theyre just too busy going from their city home to their winter home, back to their city home, then on to their summer homes, and lavish vacations thrown in, in between shopping trips. They have time for packing and going and coming…

    Sorry folks, its the truth!

    FINITO!

    in reply to: My Rebbi ZT"L was niftar and I'm lost #998267
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    Sorry as well. But its comforting to hear that there potentially are/were others besides R’ Blumenkrantz a”h who people other than family members have/had a real kesher with. Since his death I feel orphaned. Suggestions anyone?

    in reply to: Yated Shidduch Forum – Response to "NASI" #828365
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    Ha! My sentiments exactly!

    I have red thousands of Shidduchim in the last couple of years!!! In my household, we agreed with you Agreer, after reading that on Shabbos!!!!

    A family member says the undersigned like the idea of making BIGGER bucks, possibly. Big bucks isnt enough.

    Im taken aback that the Yated didnt offer comments by those who arent that positively impressed with this novel idea (Nasi has accomplished a lot, but this new idea, um…).

    in reply to: Putting Btguy's excellent suggestion into practice #828717
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    soliek, you dont need a virtual police state to protect yourself from people who would use your personal information against you…just a little common sense.

    Please elaborate.

    in reply to: I havent eaten OU-D in years and I have a Teiva for it. #828143
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    Based on the above opinions, I have to go to a Rav to ask if I can have an occassional Hershey bar, when in Manhattan (because of years of abstaining from OU-D)? I just cant see myself doing that. It doesnt seem important enough to bother a Rav with, and yet it bothers me.

    By the way, do any midtown stores (between the 30’s and 50’s, aside from restaurants) carry Chalav Yisroel items?

    in reply to: Does Neturei Karta have a point? #843556
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    skiaddict, NK are yiden too and no one can dare deny that!

    Ok, how should we act towards Jewish molesters an murderers?

    in reply to: Avenue J subway station defaced. Do you agree with my m.i.l. a"h? #827329
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    BPG, She is correct but I still like nice things.

    Who doesnt?

    Why risk our children’s and our peace and tranquility for it though? Those who do anything to make eyes pop, are overdoing it and might be risking their children’s and their peace and tranquility. Not worth it.

    in reply to: Does Neturei Karta have a point? #843553
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    pushtayid, have you e v e r heard one respected Gadol say even one nice thing about NK, or even hint to some saving grace of theirs? That should answer your question.

    in reply to: I havent eaten OU-D in years and I have a Teiva for it. #828134
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    GumBall, you might be a kid, but things can be just as hard for you as for grown-ups. Don’t listen to these grumps.

    I remember my teens and having a long list of Teivos, so each of the Teivos were Batel bShishim. It was somehow easier. Now with this Teivo thats been gnawing at me for years, its a bigger deal because eating OU-D is not even an Aveiroh in most people’s eyes, outside of the “Arai Hakodesh” where CY can be easily found.

    in reply to: Avenue J subway station defaced. Do you agree with my m.i.l. a"h? #827323
    Ofcourse
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    BaalHabooze, If one has the brocho of wealth, B”H for them, may they continue to see success, but keep it away from the public eye. Especially the non-jew’s eyes!

    Absolutely agreed! At the end of the day, those who live high style, are not doing themselves or anyone else any favors. Some among us have selective amnesia and/or engage in wishful thinking.

    Just curious, anyone thinks we gain from flaunting wealth? If yes, what?

    in reply to: I havent eaten OU-D in years and I have a Teiva for it. #828113
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    smartcookie I always knew that if you do something with Chazakah(3 consecutive times), then it’s like a neder and you may not stop or change it back.

    Hey, this isnt exactly Shmiras Shabbos or wearing pants.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Im d—-d if I do and da—-d if I dont. If I do, Ill possibly feel guilty (inborn Jewish guilt). If I dont, Ill feel a craving. Im thinking that I might try it and if I see that its not that much better than whats available in CY, then that will be the end of that. Btw, if it matters, my parents and in laws ate OU-D. Among relatives now, some eat OU-D all the time, some never do.

    in reply to: I havent eaten OU-D in years and I have a Teiva for it. #828109
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    Gumball, Omg I know exactly how you feel I also

    Yeah, thanks, but I think you’re a little kid by comparison to me. Im a grown adult and I want to know what adults feel I should do about my craving.

    Its not an aveiroh, its extra supervision that if I’d live OOT and didnt have frum supermarkets on every block, I’d probably not even think about keeping.

    in reply to: I havent eaten OU-D in years and I have a Teiva for it. #828106
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    I never made a Neder. I just always ate only CY because they sell it all over my neighborhood.

    in reply to: Which album (not one song) inspires you most spiritually? #826732
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    Whats relatively new (last 2-3 years, the newer the better) and an inspiring album?

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847921
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    When Gedolei HaDor get together to study the issue and brainstorm and make changes, and see to it that their changes are seriously implemented (I’m not sure what the changes should be, Im not a Gadol with clairvoyance), then we will see Nechama from this heart-wrenching Matzav. Until then we are offering Bandaids and Tylenols to desperate folk, and theyre not grabbing.

    in reply to: Is there a radio station available in NYC playing instrumental music? #826122
    Ofcourse
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    No Beethoven, Bach, Mozart- contemporary, (like Broadway tunes, easy listening, etc.) but no Kol Isha.

    in reply to: Is there a radio station available in NYC playing instrumental music? #826115
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    105.9 is nice but is strictly real McCoy Classical. Id love a station that plays more curent tunes, Broadway tunes, or old popular tunes, but with no vocals.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847916
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    Well if it isnt DaasYochid!!!!?(or Yechidim), how many girls signed up, as desperate as they are!!!!?

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847912
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    Daas and AZ:

    Pay their tuitions? Oh, sure. That’s important!

    The easiest Shidduchim will always be the “low lying fruit” – easy boy to easy girl.

    If the girl is 20 theyre still getting Shadchanus. The only way your reasoning would make any sense, would be if Shadchanim would be forbidden to get Shachanus for Shidduchim involving young girls. Then maybe we’d touch upon a solution to the problem!!!!!!!!

    Shadchanim will make 3 Shidduchim with young girls in the time it takes to make one with an older girl, and make more money!!! ….

    With the present Nasi guidelines, its a Tylenol for a cancer patient, l”a, too little, too late! Raising $10.00 for charity, when you need $100,000. Sorry, A+ for effort, but not enough to accomplish any goal.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847906
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    Daas:

    How in the world will the new NASI project where older girls pay up front, which this thread was discussing from the beginning, ease the age gap problem? In the game of musical chairs, only 1 person is allowed per chair. If anyone playing musical chairs pre-pays for a chair, it leaves the same number of people with no chair. Its not creating more chairs.

    In the game of real life Shidduchim, its still one girl per guy, B”H, with the girls who are paying getting more Shadchanim’s attention. Its NOT creating more guys!!! The same number will remain single.

    I must be veryyyyyy thick OR (sorry but) perhaps thats why your name is Daas Yochid.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847904
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    I am constantly checking on the discussion here, with much hope.

    Almost all advice given here is like offering Tylenol to a cancer patient. Aint gonna help with the shortage of boys.

    We need to pin down why there are much less older boys available to date, than older girls, and what we can do about it. Until we do that, IMHO, the Tylenol offered is a pitiful attempt at a solution.

    in reply to: how can our garbage be a mirror of our life? #824958
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    You might be able to judge wealth by what a person throws out- and in what condition, although Ive heard people say some extremely wealthy people are very stingy. OTOH Jerry Lewis the comedian never wore a pair of socks twice, once he became successful. He changes socks a few times a day and always brand new. I think he might donate them, so it wouldnt be in his garbage, although people like that prob have other interesting things in their garbage.

    in reply to: Acknowleding something good/nice that someone has done for you. #825950
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    Someone once said this

    “If you have ZERO expectations, you’ll have ZERO disappointments”.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847814
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    modche1, I have been a Shadchan for many years and what you say about Shadchanim getting frustrated is true. People are very warm and fuzzy when you spend time with them before the Shidduch. After you make the Shidduch, they avoid you, many times.

    But the main problem is having 10 girls or more for every guy (working OR learning). Only G-d knows the definite reason for this.

    Otherwise, Id forgive and forget the nasty ones, and I’d make Shidduchim day and night, and so would many other Shadchanim. We dont have enough male material.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847805
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    The age difference between single men and women must have been smaller, bec most got married early (very soon after becoming Shidduch age), I believe. No singles dated for multiple years. Am I right?

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847802
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    Doswin, some other factors that make the situation now totally different than in pre-war Europe, is the singles then not dating for unlimited amount of years. I’ve never heard of that happening. Whoever the parents felt was the right one, was the one. So people werent “wise guys” and “wise girls”… They didnt philosophize and analyze as much, if at all. A nice boy/girl from a nice family, etc was all that was needed. People didnt get old and gray with their kids rejecting and being rejected. The main problem some singles had was money/dowry.

    in reply to: The best chocolate out there #824938
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    Any opinions on anything better than Schmerling, if limited to CY?

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847784
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    I think at some point Nasi has to realize that their new plan is SADDENING more people than GLADDENING.

    in reply to: A Little Bird is Calling- wriiten by Malka Saks. #1048218
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    Was this the Malka Saks a”h (a well known Shadchan), who was married to R’ Boruch Saks from Yeshiva of Staten Island? Was she a maiden Steinberg? Anyone knows?

    in reply to: A Little Bird is Calling- wriiten by Malka Saks. #1048216
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    Monitors, please correct “A Little Bird is Calling” to “The little bird is calling” which is how it’s written on Youtube.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847752
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    apush:

    Yes, we created a problem, we have eliminated many eligible bachurim from the available shidduch pool simply because they go to college, hold a 9-5 job or think about doing so.

    A NECHTIGER TUG (NO WAY)! Unless the college/working guys are obese droolers (AND I CAN EVEN FIND GIIRLS INTERESTED IN THOSE), I have a long list of interested girls. Theyre just as desirable in those circles, as the learners are in theirs, and have ABSOLUTELY no problem getting dates!!!

    in reply to: The best chocolate out there #824923
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    Schmerling!

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847745
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    tahini, As for age differences, an older man who has been divorced or widowed can offer better appreciation for a young woman than a fussy young boy, think about it .

    Reading your post, I was sure you were of the male species. So I checked and found that in one of your posts elsewhere you revealed that youre a mother.

    Just curious- you’d be comfortable if your daughter wanted to date an “older” guy? Whats the maximum amount of years older youd be comfortable for your daughter to consider?

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847741
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    aries, Stop interviewing everyone and then choosing the cream of the crop to work with. That is what shadchanim do.

    HUH!?!?

    I have made a number of Shidduchim. I am terribly insulted by your broad stroke attitude above. NO, it’s absolutely false in 90% of the cases. This is possibly the case with the “shotty” Shadchanim, who charge exorbitant fees, and who make it known that they ony service the “shotty” oilem !!!!

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    I still say as long as we dont even out the numbers of available guys and girls, we will have frum older girls leaving frumkeit in increasing numbers, either overtly or covertly. Can you blame them? They dont want to live like nuns forever.

    Any other attempts are flimsy band-aids.

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847702
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    Lechayim120:

    While $11,000 is no small sum, however, over the course of a lifetime, it is not a lot of money. When I was single and without family in New York to help things along, if I had the cash, I would have given it in a heartbeat.

    What no one here seems to remember is that Shadchanim and single girls are dealing with the same problem!

    NOT ENOUGH OLDER GUYS FOR THE NUMBER OF OLDER GIRLS!!!!

    Every single one of the older single girls paying the money WONT CHANGE THAT!!!!

    For example, if there are 500 older single girls and 300 older single guys (most of whom dont want to be limited to dating their age girls), the girls are stuck, any which way, whether they pay or not!!!

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847691
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    Nasi’s new idea was supposed to help the downtrodden, not hurt the downtrodden.

    It would have been nice if in a unified manner the Kahal could have helped singles find Shidduchim, and brainstormed to prevent this from happening in increasing numbers in the future because of the numbers/age issue, NOT give older singles and their parents a kick in the pants to lay out money for a possible solution, and give Mussar if theyre not thrilled to do so.

    in reply to: Shidduch crisis perspective?? #828246
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    Health, And Hashem would be pleased if a 20 y.o. girl married a 40 -50 y.o. old guy and encouraged others to do the same. It works both ways.

    What makes you say that???? Ask Rabbonim. Thats “Hugh H—-r”esque. Yuck!

    in reply to: If you've read "NASI Project Responds", have you changed your mind? #847683
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    FL613, Parents will be anxious to get their daughters married before they turn 22 and have to pay such a high Shadchan fee.

    You might be right (if it would have ever gotten off the ground)! BUT I think this NASI concept, unfortunately, despite effort that might have gone into formulating it, is DOA anyhow.

    in reply to: Shidduch crisis perspective?? #828240
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    Health, Most won’t marry older women. There probably are a few reasons why not -I just mentioned one of them!

    Thats between each individual man and Hashem, but IMHO Hashem would be pleased if they did and encouraged others to do the same.

    We down here cant produce more guys to fill the need. We have to do our Hishtadlus and not orchestrate older girls having less opportunity to get married, causing heartache to the families of older girls.

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