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the thing with those is that they are only for about 2 weeks, forsure better than doing nothing though, and you could meet new ppl/make friends with ppl ur age while still in EY.
you could also work in a gan/kaytana- (summer camp version of a gan), work in a store/resturaunt, work in an american telemarketing office (there are a bunch of frum ones all over), be a house manager (cook/clean/watch kids for ppl- kinda like thurday chessed but get paid for it. not the funnest but if you find a really cute family you could get close to it might be worth it)
these are some things that don’t really require a degree or experience or anything like that.
more like 100% of your daily (unhealthy) fats.
One thing i forgot to add to my previous post: also try getting a job. It doesnt have to be something major but something small like tutoring, or teaching a hobby (piano, drawing… fill in the blank). you could make money off of your talents and things your good at. (for me, as a girl, im good at doing hair so i will charge people to do sheitles and hair or sometimes ill just do it as a chesed.) Or get a bunch of small jobs like working in a hebrew school on a sunday, or sub in an elementary school/day camp, volunteer at one random chai lifeline event, etc… do chesed. Take every opportunity you can! Dont be lazy! (not that im saying that you are) it all helps! Dont be lazy! (not that im saying that you are) it all helps! Like i said, put/force yourself in different (social) situations!
*btw, i hate using the word social because it sounds scary- trust me i know, but in essence thats what it is so just pretend its not there. but know that it is very necessary to expose yourself to the very thing that you are afraid of to overcome it. you can do it, i know you can. because if i did all this, so can you.
again, Hatzlacha and keep us posted!
i know its hard but try to put yourself in new situation. nevermind, not try, FORCE yourself into new situations CONSTANTLY!, with new people, some you’ve never met before. maybe go to a different camp by yourself, YES BY YOURSELF, (or if you have to, one or two familiar faces) this will help you slowly but effectively get over the anxiety. you also dont have to be the most outgoing person, but like i said, put yourself out there! also, maybe try switching schools, this will give you a chance to start over (same with camp)- Shinui Makom Shinui Mazal. These are things that helped me get over the anxiety. i know this is hard and telling this to you may seem unfair, but i wouldnt dare tell anyone to do something as hard as this unless i have gone through it myself. I know the pain but i know its possible to overcome and overcoming it is VERY WELL WORTH IT! It will be hard and somewhat slow, but i can assure you this is one of the most effective ways! Hatzlacha! (keep us posted!)
KC, your story really touched me. only a couple years ago i was in a similar situation, lasting from childhood till about 10 or 11 grade. the difference is that i didn’t even realize there was anything wrong to do anything about. i guess HaShem helpes me figure it out. im glad you recognize that somethings up and that your seeking help. this makes is easier to cope with.
anyways, im gunna jump right into things and tell you some of the things that helped me get over this stage of my life. (which i learned the hard way)
1. this may seem very obvious but this was one of the best pieces of advice i ever got: people change! and sometimes that change will make people grow apart.
2. it’s ok to be not-so-close friends with people. you dnt have to be best friends with all your friends. you can have friends that you only go out with once in a while and it’s o.k. This may be why you feel like you have to “own” friends. (i used to feel the same!)
3. being quiet is an amazing quality if you use it correctly. people who are quiet think before they act, they are good listeners (something which the world needs more of!), they are introspective, giving them the quality to really work on yourself, and they are good observers and therefore have alot to say, but dont know how to sat it. with that said, it is very important that you take slow steps in talking more to people, even if they intimidate you- dont let them. if u are intimidated think to yourself who cares what they think, they have their own faults which can intimidate them and i have HaShem on my side.
4. sometimes the yetzer hara will try to prevent you from doing the things you can do best, so whenever you fell shy or intimidated think is this something HaShem would want me to say or do now? it the answer is yes, theres nothing to be shy about, do the will of HaShem and speak if you have to, who cares what they think!
5. this might be a funny tip but it helps. EAT HEALTHY. social anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain in the serotonin neuro pathways which can be fixed by eating healthy(as opposed to meds which you end up relying on) ( maybe look into the Rambams diet, there are books on it that helped many people)
6. for the record, i was made fun of for being too tall when i was younger, being called the tall monster =).
7. build a kesher with a rav/teacher/mentor. i made the mistake of not doing so.
8. in your free time, DO CHESED, tutor, do favors for people, babysit, offer to help people, go to events,… the list goes on forev. Make yourself part of a community to help build your life up. this is how you build connections and possible friendships with people (even though these are very hard with social anxiety, push through!)even the smallest of things make a difference.
9. i heard in a speech given by Chevy Garfinkle, In olam haze, HaShem doesn’t necessarily gi ve you what you deserve, HaShem gives you need to serve. use your challenges and grow from them.
10. DAVEN DAVEN DAVEN!!!!!!!! i cant stress this enough.
wow. didnt realize this would be so long. i guess this really brought me back. anyways these are things that helped me, i hope they help you too.
try one of the oldest, most reliable methods: Tefillah. Pour your heart out to HaShem! (with your own words!)
maybe look into the Ner Yisroel/ johns Hopkins program
Machon Raayah sounds PERFECT for her!
or what seminary did u go to?
Here’s a story worth mentioning: (please dont judge!), the past 2 days have been kinda ruff and today i said to myself that i’ve finally had enough. I just needed to clear my head and my yetzer hara got the best of me. I grabbed my laptop and was about to watch one of my old shows -I realllly didnt want to but couldn’t control myself, just as i was about to click play my eyes started tearing and i whispered 4 words: HaShem please help me! and then i clicked play. just them and there the screen went black and said “error occurred, try reloading”.
to some people the message may not seem so obvious, but to me the message is clear. i didn’t “try reloading”, like it had said because i knew this was a sign from HaShem. And right then and there i realized that HaShem watches us during every moment, and He is with us every step of the way, even during our hardest times. HaShem wants to help us and guide us! and He always listens to our every Tefillah, even the softest and shortest, during our lowest moments: HaShem please help!
guess what?! shes coming for shabbos! there are also other girls staying at friends of mine in my area so we’ll probably get together for meals. (btw in school, she does seem to be doing a bit better, i see her speaking to a few people and smiling a bit more) Just Daven To Hashem to help! -That’s prob the most effective thing we can do!
im glad i could help. btw im also going to sem without my close friends, so were in the same boat. =)
well, each situation really depends on the person and the seminary, but my general advice to anyone in this situation would be: DONT GO TO A SEM JUST BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOING! Rather, go to the one that best fits you and you know you’ll do great, even if that means going without a friend. In the end, im sure you’ll make tons of friends- you’ll just have to be a little more outgoing then you normally are at the beginning, but after a couple of weeks youll be fine. and because you know that you will thrive there, it will make it easier to be more outgoing and achieve other goals as well.you don’t want to go through sem regretting not being in another place you could have gone to (that was much better for you) but didn’t go because you wouldn’t have a friend with you. so please, DONT FALLOW YOUR FRIENDS TO SEMINARY!
how is binas different from keser chaya or machon raaya? is it more yeshivish? academic?
the thing is that i wanna do something fun and interesting seeing that this is my last “real” summer. and i needa figure it out! time is running out! help!
i think i remember learning it in psychology class, i think it has to do with our perception of time as we get older…
anyone know of any summer jobs i could take in Israel this year? any ideas?
sorry logician, im not letting u off so easy! i just didn’t have time to respond. now that i do, here’s what i have to Say:
First and foremost, i have heard 2 teachers explicitly say to a class that one of the main reasons that students should have a kesher with a teacher (besides for discussing a particular issue) is so that they will have who to turn to in the future if they need. and this, is actually my main problem! i don’t want a kesher with my teachers just in case i need something from them in the future, but i want a kesher with them because they are my role models. I really admire and look up to them and i can learn so much from them! therefore yes, i do want them for the future, but not just in case i would need them one day, i would want to constantly touch base with them and constantly learn from them.
So, when i heard the teacher say that the purpose of a kesher is so just in case we should ever need something in the future, we can turn to them, her tone made me sort of delfate. to me, it sounded like she said that they are taking us under their wing as a “nebach” or “chesed case” and help us until we leave high school. then, in the future, if we chas veshalom should bother them with our problems or ask them for something, they will be there.
ok, so i may be exaggerating a bit, but firstly, this teacher made it seem like building a kesher with a student is a job or a bother. Does it really have to be that way? and secondly, why is it that students have to have an issue to discuss in order to build a kesher with a teacher? can’t we just want to say hello and have a friendly conversation?!
(Note: input from teachers themsleves is welcome and sought for)
still need help please!
referencing television in the cr???? not good!(shaking head)
Wear what you think is kavodig and tznius enough to go to a wedding. Most people forget that the reason we go to weddings is to fulfill the Mitzvah of Hachnasas Kallah. so, while you are still supposed to look nice, its not supposed to be a fashion show or a social scene! Ur dressing up L’Kavod a mitzvah! so wear whatever will help you fulfill this mitzvah properly.
Note: i personally would ditch the heels if you could get by without them! (most people can). or at least wear really comfortable ones that aren’t too high! ppl with heals slow down the dancing soooooo much!
im still at a loss on how to even approach them, i feel like they are always on the run.February 12, 2014 7:39 am at 7:39 am in reply to: Good Shabbos World!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #1155469
Every week i wait for Shabbos from the second havdallah is over! Shabbos is my saving grace!
problem: live too far away to visit on Shabbos. also i don’t really have anything specific to speak to them about, just think that the kesher is important to have, so callings not really an option either…
ask your LOR, then you will finally get a clear answer.
so i did leave a letter with my # on a sticky note in her locker. she hasn’t called me but she did thank me. i also brought up the situation as a general matter (without mentioning any specific names or info) with a teacher ( who is fresh out of sem, was in high school with me, probably the only one who would effectively spread the message around the staff.)
i wish i could tell you that she turned her life around completely but there isn’t much i could’ve done to help her without making her feel like my chesed case (she already made it very clear that that’s how she feels so i wouldn’t want to exaggerate that). for example, i was thinking of inviting her over for a shabbos (shes only a yr younger than me) but this might make her extremely uncomfortable and think that im only doing this because she opened up to me. however im still debating if i should because even though she might feel that way now, inviting her might be better for her in the long run.
LAB- there is a vast difference between the two, having kids is necessary and required by halacha while piercing your ears is not. therefore, there is nothing wrong with avoiding it for a higher purpose– tznius (of preventing someone from wearing big/long earrings). Again, there is nothing wrong with wearing earrings regarding they are appropriate, just introducing a concept. That’s all.
are there any teen camps that would accept girls my age as a counselor?
if someone avoids getting their ears pierced, they can also avoid the challenge of wearing big/long earrings– that aren’t tznius.
note: in not against earrings, and im not saying that most earings aren’t tznius and should be avoided, im just presenting an idea– that is generally overlooked that should be taken into account.
get a job doing WHAT, is the question!
maybe she should use extensions or add hair another way, but they should be the Same length as her hair, just used to fill in the gaps.. and make sure her hair will still be Tznius with these added extensions.
Speak with a Rav.
is there any advice i can give her to cope?
just to clarify, the baby in this incident was no longer nursing and already eating solids. back to my point: water before juice!
im fine with giving kids juice as an occasional treat, but to simply replace water with it really disturbs and scares me! especially cuz i have seen it so much at people i have babysat for or stayed by. ill never forgot this one time i was staying by a family whose baby had a burning fever and soar throat and was nonstop crying. the poor kid was a mess and for days the mother would nonstop give her apple juice bottles! barely any water! im sorry, you just don’t do that! i felt so sorry for the baby and even tried to “sneek” her water bottles or dilute the juice. i understand that its hard for a mother to find ways to stop her sick kid from crying but apple juice, which by the way DOES NOT QUENCH THIRST at all, is not the way to go! (it has been proven that some juices actually dehydrate you!) and for the record, the baby still was nonstop crying even with the “yummy” juice. it just made her feel more sick snd gross. she needed the cleansing effect water gives you when you are sick. and this is what inspired me to write this thread. so mothers, babysitter and sisters, please use your Seichel and hydrate your kids in the proper way, especially when they are sick because water is one of the most powerful substances on earth and is key to securing good health.
fkelly has a point, you did stop for 2 weeks! that’s huge!
Here is something I have come to realize: even if you are slacking off now, you can always go back the next time your ready. cuz its gunna take time for you to get to the point where you have no desire to watch anything at all. (in which case, if you think about it, there’s really no such thing as going “cold turkey” or “all or nothing”) so even if you do stop cold turkey for 2 weeks and then completely start up again, that’s perfectly normal. Maybe the next time you stop, it will last for 3 weeks instead of 2.
this battle will last awhile. In all honesty, BEFORE i started this thread, the first time i stopped completely was only for 4 days, then the next time for 2 weeks, then for 3 months(but unfortunatly for that time i still watched youtube.) then i did one month were i watched shows but no youtube, (then i got frustrated with myself and started this thread…) -you see the pattern… point is: even if you fall, don’t let it discourage you. Remember “Sheva Yipol Tzadik V’kam”
and about the whole unwinding in someone else’s imagination, i completely get you! My solution: make yourself busy/ occupy yourself with other things- not necessarily chores, but other things you enjoy aswell. (and since your a man and have a chiyuv to learn, then learn more as well). However, I also get that alot of the time that might not work, so this might sound a little nerdy but sometimes dealing with your own life’s situations in different and creative ways will have the same effect as wondering in other people’s lives. (i hope i phrased that in a way that makes sense)
lastly, remember to Daven to HaShem that He should help you (and all of klal Yisroel for that matter) stop. cuz although, there are many personal benefits from cutting out tv, in essence you’re really doing this for HaShem.
You shouldn’t worry about things like getting into seminary simply because you have no control over it. Therefore, it won’t help whether you worry about it or not.
This is really your Yetzer Harah trying to distract you from the things you should be worrying about: the things which you DO have control over- like bad middos you can fix or aveiros that you can overcome… Rather loose sleep over things like that! (even though its secretly really fun to think and worry about sem! but don’t let it get the best of you!)
I’m not saying that sem isn’t important- it is!- i know, im in the same boat! but its just pointless to worry about, because at this point there’s not much you can do (besides daven!) to change the situation.
These are great! any other dikduk rules? (that could potentially help girls who are applying to seminary and might have trouble translating meforshim in their upcoming interviews?)
thanx everyone for all the inspiration 🙂
For those of you who decide to do the once a week thing, keep in mind that you must be consistent with it. don’t just pick one random night every week or else u’ll keep pushing it off. stick to every tuesday, or wednesday etc… and keep that day 100% motion picture free (no shows/movies/youtube…no exceptions!) hope this helps!
Here’s a tip: if u have a playlist of nonjewish music on ur iPod, label it NISAYON. How r u ever gunna listen to that stuff when every time you go on ur iPod you see that word!
another way to look at this situation:
HaShem is just testing you. He’s just giving you an opportunity to get closer to you. If you listen, know you will have failed the test, ultimately ruining a chance to get closer to HaShem.
Daven for HaShem to help you overcome this!
And imagine the guilt and regret you will feel after you listen, knowing you could have overcame your taava.
Just to clarify, I technically didn’t stop right away. These are just some of the things I did BEFORE I started this post. A couple weeks after, I said I had enough and went cold turkey.
newyawker (or for anyone really)- I suggest you take small steps at first then go cold turkey. For example, pick one day a week that you won’t watch any shows and on that day, find something more constructive to do with your time, like learning, family time, errands… (for me it was Wednesday, my BY chesed day).
if that’s too hard then try something like watching only on a smaller screen to take away some of the chashivos…
Just remember that you are doing this in order to get closer to HaShem and it says in Shir HaShirim Rabbah (i think), “My children, create for Me a small opening of Teshuvah, as tiny as the head of a pin, and I will open for you openings that even wagons and chariots can pass through.”
Lastly, daven for HaShem’s help along the way. (most important)
What helped me the most was the guilt. Before and after every show, i would constantly think about all the time i was wasting and the things i should be doing during that time.Knowing i would be judged for every second that passed.
More importantly, i would think about how it would affect my future (my seminary, who i marry, my kids…)
Just keeping you all posted. Its been about a month and i haven’t watched a single show!!!
Its a long journey but just daven that HaShem should help you along the way.
At first it was tough but it gets easier as you go along. if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask!
just letting you all know, ITS POSSIBLE!
Keep going strong! Tizku LeMitzvos!
Just making a point: Every time there is a shiur on Tznius, many people think “uuggghhhh another speech” but when its up for discussion in the coffee room, its one of the most commented-on threads!
The reason for this is because everyone knows deep down what the Halachos are, but your just trying to find loopholes. Well guess what? I’ve got news for you: THERE ARE NONE!
So throw away your short skirts and tight shirts and learn the Halachos!
teshuvah u’tefillah u’tzedaka maavirin es ro’ah hagezairah!
what about the girls? what are they like?
how yeshivish? nice? jappy? out of towny? in towny?
oh cummon!!! no replies??? no one is willing to share anything they know about the seminary?
the worst is when the adults bully the kids…
no one believes the kid and they are left defenseless