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  • in reply to: Tipping a delivery boy – Mandatory or Optional? #920285
    so right
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    I give the delivery guy from the pharmacy 50 cents. What’s the big deal? No one will tell you how much to tip (if it isn’t a waiter – which has a standard 15%) and there is no standard “percent” for a delivery guy.

    “pumper” is absolutely correct. I can spare the two quarters.

    in reply to: Professional Shadchanim vs. Personal Shadchanim #724019
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    There are Seforim that strongly criticize professional shadchanim (in general) for being manipulative and untruthful. I don’t have the citations from the meforshim at my fingertips and the moment, but the criticism is very real (and accurate).

    The OP just indicated they bring unkind words. The specific criticisms I cited were my own examples. The same Seforim do say you must pay a shadchan for a successful shidduch. One does not contradict the other.

    in reply to: ??? ????? ??? ??? #724027
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    ??”?

    ??? ????? ??? ??? – ?? ??? ??? ?? ?? ??????

    ?”?

    ??? ????? ??? ???. ????? ??????? ?????? ??? ????? ?? ??? ????? ??? ??:

    in reply to: How much should one spend on dates? #725201
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    Personally, I think the girl should pay for 50% of the dates. (The guy’s goes on way more dates every year than girls, and it’s only fair.)

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724316
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    Okay, now that we’ve firmly established that Torah & Kollel is the way to go, let’s discuss college.

    Rav Moshe Feinstein ZT’L denounced college in a Teshuva, and in a famous speech delivered to his students, published under the title “The Counsel of the Wicked” (Vaad LeHaromas Keren HaTorah, New York, 1978). There he reiterates that everyone has an obligation to become great in Torah, we should not care so much about Cadillac’s (yes, this was said in the “olden days”), and that learning Torah is what we should be pursuing, not secular stuff. He says in America you do not need college to make a Parnassa, and we should be willing to live on little, not a lot, for the sake of Torah, and that R. Nehuray’s statement of abandoning all skills in favor of Torah applies all that more today that we live in a country where you can make a parnassa without college, with no miracles needed.

    There is a tape available in many Seforim stores called “The prohibition to learn in Colleges” (Yiddish), which contains addresses by Rav Moshe Feinstein ZT’L and Rav Aharon Kotler ZT’L condemning college.

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724312
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    “Kollel is a place for a real talmid chacham.”

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724311
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    I’m telling you how it should be. Not what you see. What you see may or may not be the correct approach.

    Kach hi darkah shel torah – pas b’melach tochal — bread salt and water – if you have that, you have parnasah.

    We should not care so much about Cadillac’s, and learning Torah is what we should be pursuing.

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724309
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    they would recognize that im ein kemach, ein Torah.

    Im ain kemach ain torah just means that if you have no food, you cannot learn. If you are supported by your parents, in laws, Yeshiva, or wife, you are not in a situation where you have to steal, and you have fulfilled the Chazal.

    Anyways, the standard of livelihood required is bare minimum. “Kach hi darkah shel torah – pas b’melach tochal etc.” — Bread salt and water – if you have that, you have parnasah. The Rambam writes that a typical Baal Habayis works 3 hours a day and learns 8. This is what a “working person” is. Three hours a day. 8 hours learning.

    What in the world does that have to do with today’s working man’s lifestyle where he works 8 hours a day and almost never even learns 3? It proves nothing that Chazal endorsed working, since working in those days meant learning 8 hours a day.

    There is an obligation on every Jew to become as great in Torah as he is able. The Rambam praises those who learn all day and don’t have jobs, as the elite “Shevet Levi” of our days. Clearly, even if working is endorsed, it is inferior to those who learn.

    The Rama says it is a Midas Chasidus – praiseworthy – for someone who can become a Gadol B’Torah and make an independent living, but continues that not everyone is capable of this — saying that if you have a choice between becoming a Godol B’Torah or making a living, becoming a Godol B’Torah comes first.. The Rama even brings opinions that the community should support its Torah scholars even to the point of affluence.

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724306
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    henrytheignorant,

    so practice Kach hi darkah shel torah without becoming a nazir.

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724300
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    henry89,

    you are quite ignorant of halacha. one can earn enough “Kach hi darkah shel torah – pas b’melach tochal etc.” — Bread salt and water while learning all day.

    in reply to: Coffee Room Topics!!!! #721676
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    Talking about repeating threads… THIS very thread is rehash of an old one of just a month ago!:

    Different strokes for different folks

    And it is worth repeating squeak’s response over there to the comment:

    OP: when the Coffee Room was first started, I used to enjoy reading the different topics. Now, the coffee room has basically become a “bashing forum”

    squeak: Ummm, which Coffee Room are you talking about? Nothing’s changed in that regard ūüôā

    in reply to: Boys Who Learn & Go To College At Night #724297
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    actually, unless the yeshiva guy has the potential to become a big big talmid chachom, then he should of course learn part of the day and go to college or some vocational school the other half/night. this is the most optimal solution. one must earn a parnasa.

    actually, unless the working guy has the potential to become a big big business man, then he should of course learn all day. this is the most optimal solution. one must learn.

    in reply to: Am I shallow? #727201
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    dunno:

    If he can live with it later, he can live with it now.

    And if he can’t live with it now, his potential bride-to-be better start worrying if he will be able to live with it later.

    in reply to: Am I shallow? #727198
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    Why does it bother you if someone strives for a “blue eyed, blonde haired, tall, size 0 girl”? If that’s what they want and can get, good for them!

    How will he react when his then wife is no longer size 0? Or when her hair is no longer blonde? Or when she is hunched over? Will he no longer want her?

    in reply to: Kids Calling Adults By First Names #721451
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    Homeowner: How is that related to this thread? That is a matter of minhug, and either way is proper. If someone is a 45 year old bochor, then that’s what he is.

    in reply to: Am I shallow? #727194
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    Before marriage, however, why shouldn’t someone strive to get everything they’re looking for?

    Some people do. They insist on a blue eyed, blonde haired, size 0, tall, witch.

    in reply to: Am I shallow? #727192
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    Just because a certain factor may stop a relationship from forming does not mean that it will break an already existing relationship.

    If a relationship can withstand it, there is no reason to let it prevent a relationship from forming because it exists.

    in reply to: Am I shallow? #727189
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    popa: If it can be dealt with in marriage (and in fact he better be prepared to deal with it), then a bochur can deal with it with a bride-to-be – as much as a husband can deal with it with a wife.

    And what if a bochor is 29 or 32 or 35 and cannot get is fantasized bride? Can he lower his expectations on looks and weight? If so, so can a 19 or 21 or 23 year old bochor. Especially since all of them better be prepared for unavoidable changes after marriage.

    And what about old age? Will the husband to be divorce her when she hits 40 or 50 or 60? She ain’t gonna have those looks anymore. He can deal with it then? So the bochor better be prepared. And if he can deal with it then, he can deal with it now.

    in reply to: Am I shallow? #727185
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    popa, what if the change in metabolism after a child or two or three no longer allows her to maintain something close to her ideal weight or looks? What recourse will the now stuck husband have?

    If the husband can now live with it happily, there is no reason to suspect the bocher dating can live happily with a less than fantasized weight or even looks.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721208
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    Again, it is beautiful for a husband (or anyone) to open the door for his wife (or whoever), or for a wife to open the door for her husband. My point is the specific practice of a guy davka opening the door for a girl — not because her hands are full or she is weak or for whatever reason needs the door opened for her or even because he happened to be near the door so he opened it to be helpful and mentchlich/mannered [all of that is perfectly beautiful and proper if done] — but rather my comment is on the practice of him doing it specifically explicitly and expressly as a (especially if public) display of “romance and chivalry”.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721207
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    mamashtakah: I ironically note that you only took issue with my characterization of “majority” as you disagree with me, but not that of popa’s comment 2 comments before mine characterizing “majority” (that my comment was a response to), as you did agree with him! (And as I said in the comment itself that answered your subsequent question, yes, a godol was consulted.)

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721203
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    popa,

    An member of my immediate family has a Litvish Rosh Yeshiva that is a member of the moetzei gedolei haTorah, and he asked this question and was told no. Furthermore, not only would a majority of litvish gedolim concur that it is proper to not davka open the door, I’m not sure any would disagree.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721198
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    I agree with popa that the argument here is to what extent we are supposed to breach tznius in the courting process. I am stating that this, like Mayan’s Rosh Yeshiva’s example of giving a rose by the badeken, is crossing the line. And I am pleased to see in addition to popa being able to “see this viewpoint”, Proud Hadarling and bjjkid too experienced or witnessed proud Yidden knowing that they shouldn’t play the open the door romance.

    I didn’t mean to imply this falls strictly in the category of chukas hagoyim. But tznius is a definite issue. Not everything is black and white. That doesn’t mean its okay. Like I said, a guy walking down the Avenue in a bathing suit is not either a strict black and white violation. And I don’t know where it is written that 6″ high red heels are either.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721172
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    “popa”,

    I disagree with you. Romance, and its chivalrous offshoot, are pritzus. But I’ll put that point aside for the moment and ask you what I asked cshapiro: Should the guy also hand her the fork in the restaurant, due to “middos”? Would it be bad middos if he doesn’t hand her the fork?

    And if not, why is handing her the fork at the restaurant, any different than opening the door for her?

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721169
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    mamashtakah,

    Now that I’ve asked, can you ask your Rav and let us know his reponse (rather than your assumed response of his)?

    cshapiro,

    Should the guy also hand her the fork in the restaurant, due to “middos”? Would it be bad middos if he doesn’t hand her the fork?

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721164
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    I did, and he said no.

    It’s not “assur” per se for a guy to walk down Avenue J in his bathing suit either.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721158
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    popa,

    The Brisker Rov had an arranged marriage. He didn’t date “girls”.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721157
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    Mayan

    Of course its right to wait for them to go in, and wait for them, and to help them with whatever they need. Somehow I think they don’t need help figuring out how to open the door or how to lift their fork in the restaurant. If the goyim would have a “minhug” of bowing to their date as soon as they met her, you would have all the same clowns here who believe in following chukas hagoyim yelling how important and “mentchlich” and “proper manners” it is to always give your date a bow when you see her.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721154
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    dunno

    If someone opens the car door for a BJJ girl, I don’t know how he ever got that date in the first place, but I do know he will be told he will be needing another date after that night! And if the date of a Brisker boy “expects it” (you were kidding, right? “expects” the door to be opened for them??), after that evening she will be hoping she is near the top of some other guy’s date waiting list.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721146
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    postsemgirl: Exactly! If it were really a matter of “mentchlichkeit and courtesy”, that same guy would be opening his car door anytime he picked up a hitchhiker or gave his brother a ride to yeshsiva or whatever. He doesn’t do that. Just this goyish romantic chivalry drivel.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721143
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    oomis, considering you are mo, your perspective is quite different than the rest of us.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721136
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    Frum girls (especially the frummer ones) don’t expect to have the door opened for them, and in fact are turned off by it.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721115
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    Bobchka,

    If the skirt/dress needs adjusting from getting into the car, the skirt/dress is too short.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721110
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    dunno

    Let me guess… You’re a girl.

    in reply to: Mother-In-Law #720236
    so right
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    I disagree. A son has to listen to his parents first. A daughter has to listen first to her husband. Jewish Law 101.

    in reply to: Mother-In-Law #720233
    so right
    Member

    ‘A son is a son all your life. A daughter is a daughter till she finds a spouse’

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721082
    so right
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    If I wasn’t sufficiently clear, let me rephrase my point another way. Try disregarding my previous comment(s) for this experiment:

    I think girls should open the car door for their dates. And I also think healthy non-pregnant girls should give up their seats on the bus/subway for (same age) guys, as a matter of courtesy and mentchlichkeit.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721079
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    WolfishMusings: I am referring to the general idea of someone opening a door for someone of the opposite gender, which is completely fine. With a girl getting into a car, there is an additional problem you wont find with opening a door to a building, for example.

    in reply to: subway seats #873185
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    popa is correct. If a Yeshiva bochor walks on a bus or train and there is no seat available, a BY girl should get up and give hers to him.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721074
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    WolfishMusings: That’s a misunderstanding. My point is not that there is anything inheritantly wrong with a man holding a door open for a woman (or vice versa). Rather the goyish idea (as I described in detail above) that a man should do so for a woman, moreso than vice versa – all things being equal.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721072
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    Anyone positing that it is okay for a Jew to engage in romance or chivalry, is sorely lacking an understanding of what romance and chivalry represent. Romance comes from the 14th century vernacular French word “romantique”, meaning “characteristic of an ideal love affair”. Chivalry, as described earlier, is a Christian concept of romance, that includes loyalty to the Church and fellow Christians.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721070
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    haifa:

    When examining medieval literature, chivalry can be classified into three basic but overlapping areas:

    1. Duties to countrymen and fellow Christians.

    2. Duties to God: this would contain being faithful to God, protecting the innocent, being faithful to the church, being the champion of good against evil, being generous and obeying God above the feudal lord.

    3. Duties to women: this is probably the most familiar aspect of chivalry.

    WolfishMusings: I’m reading your comment as being equal both ways, unlike most others.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721063
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    Yes, popa. And he said it is directly from the goyisha playbook, and not something bnei Torah do.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721061
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    At least WolfishMusings is agreeing there is no more reason a Yid should open it for her, than she for him. Look up chivalry before opining that it is permissible for a Yid to engage in.

    And a Yid should definitely not be “romancing” someone he isn’t married (or at least engaged) to.

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721054
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    Itche: The tznius problem can be inadvertent. And you didn’t answer the question of how your excuses fit into the question of – why shouldn’t the girl open the car door for the guy?

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721044
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    here is the definition from the oxford english dictionary:

    noun

    1. love, especially when sentimental or idealized:

    he asked her for a date and romance blossomed

    2. an exciting, enjoyable affair, especially one that is not serious or long-lasting:

    a summer romance

    in reply to: Opening the Car Door for Your Date #721043
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    pba:

    tznius – watching a girl go into a car is about as problematic with regard to tznius than any other movement. hameivin yovin. in fact, a man should not be behind a woman at all, aside from the getting into the car issue.

    chivalry/goyish ways – these two go hand in hand like a glove. romance with someone other than your spouse?? are you kidding? find me one roshei yeshiva who will tell you its okay to “romance” your date. oh, and first check how websters defines romance.

    in reply to: How was your fast? #718371
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    How is everyone’s fast going so far?

    in reply to: Changing The Tone On Looks In Dating #718869
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    popa, you’re single. Don’t kid us, you gave that away long ago. Here are some of the lesser proofs from your threads:

    ShidduchimóGirls are Shallow

    Why I'm going to let my kids run around in shul

    Sure nothing is conclusive, but one needn’t be a rocket scientist to figure this out!

    in reply to: What I Learned From My Troubled Teen #718508
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    It was entirely out of line and abhorrent, not to mention erroneous and unseemly, for him – a bochor – to tell a mother already in great pain for more than one reason that “you obviously have some kind of guilty conscience” and “you can always apologize and change” and that “you can work on yourself”, to mention some of the more offensive comments.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 476 total)