Forum Replies Created
He asked you, in light that there’s no one left, who he would marry? Or generally, who will he marry? At nine or ten I was thinking about toys and friends. Kids are so advanced.
Why do you need to know who asked? The title of this website is the yeshiva world. Presumably, that includes tzioni yeshivas also. I took it to refer to yeshivish wold, but in reality, that’s not what it’s called.
Thank you for correcting the title. I wasn’t sure how to do that.
Ok, fair enough, child’s strange question.
If a man pays the rent, how can you tell him to leave? Not that I’m ready to do that, but shouldn’t the one who wants out leave? This is part of what worries me. Homelessness with kids.
Does it make sense to bring up the topic again? Kids talk about things and then move on minutes later. If he brought it up, I assume he’s bothered by it though. Zahavasdad – Gevalt! What a generation we are living in!
True, but the issue is phones can be lost. Watches which are generally not removed, are usually not.
Maybe it’s a matter of knowing our kids and what developmental level they are up to. I have a toddler who is a runner. Even his playgroup Morah told us to use a leash with him outdoors. Twice he bolted into the street, once in front of an oncoming car. It would be impractical to use a “leash” in a park where the point is to have them run. Thus, the Teddy bear clip comes into play. Not that I would use it to substitute watching my kids (I’m on them like a hawk), but I’d know if I’m running after one I could check on another at a moments notice. That’s me. The tracking device could be misused to track before needed or once kids have earned their independence. But what about between 8-12, when kids are being trained?
I didn’t do it, but heard from others who have who complain about vomiting when they either eat too much, or ride airplanes, b/c of the air pressure.
I have felt the same way. Friends can only understand so much and have so much patience. I let a friendship go years ago when I saw one friend complain about how the second one was always unhappy, complaining. This second friend went through(and was going through) so much tzar at the time, I felt it was a betrayal of friendship not to be there for her. I lost trust in the first friend and dropped her because of her treatment of the second. Truth be told, though, only a therapist has endless patience to listen to tzaar. Relationships need to be balanced. Why are your friends frustrated with you? Is it because they want to move you to action while you are still in a place of wanting and needing to be heard and understood? Have you told your friends that you don’t feel understood?
I’m sorry, but you’re responses sound very sarcastic. After a child is lost and then murdered I do not see anything wrong with looking for extra measures to protect our children. Would you rather take another chance, c’v, having a child get lost? Would you be willing to bet your child’s life or that of your niece or nephew or grandchild? No one is suggesting hiring a private off duty cop. A gps locator device could protect a child venturing out for the first couple of times/months. I cannot tell you how many mothers and I have spoken about our worries (for years, not just the past week) of or kid getting snatched in a park where we may not see them for a moment.
Your point is valid, but I disagree. First of all, Leiby a’h, left day camp around 4:50. He was supposed to meet his mother 10 minutes later. He walked for over half an hour before meeting the wrong person. His mom would’ve had at least 15-20 minutes to track him. Knowing that it was his first time walking, she also could have had the option to check periodically when he was supposed to his way to make sure he was going in the right direction. Yes, kidnapping and murder is b’h fairly rare, however, lost children, missing children are not. Children being given some freedom for the first few times/months is also not so rare, it’s a regular occurrence.As far as the Teddy clip goes, it’s also more useful than you think. Many parks are large, and have several areas for kids to run and climb. It can be very worrisome when parks have multiple exits and you have multiple children where some have a tendency to try to run out of the park, not understanding gates and boundaries.
Not all will opt for this, but some might, so why not discuss it?
Thank you all for taking the time to write. It does give me some perspective on the matter hearing how others view what’s been happening. Time to get my courage up. Do you think I should call an abuse hotline first or speak with a rav?
About the website I mentioned, you can tell her that anonymously talking to other women who have had the same experience can be an invaluable source of support. First really be there for her and with her, though, or sh’ll feel like you’re just redirecting the grief and need for support.
Adorable, I had my first miscarriage (I had already gone for several sonograms) days before my sister gave birth. That was a really painful/mixed feeling hospital visit. I did not tell my sister until years later that I had any and she still doesn’t know I had looked forward to having a child close to the age of hers. Even seeing babies born around the same time as a woman was supposed to give birth can be a painful reminder for years to come. Time does heal wounds, though. The hardest time is when it first happens. My husband was very supportive after the first (I was depressed for two weeks), but for later ones, he feared so much I’d need support that he just pulled away. That’s when I found the website.
Correction: there is a monthly fee. It’s either $10 or $18 /month depending on if you want only web or web and SMS. Yearly in advance it’s $110 or $200 similarly.
It can be used in Canada also, and for a 30 day vacation period in Israel.
They also have a cheaper item for parks etc for young kids: It’s called the “mommy I’m here child locator”. It looks like Teddy bears that you clip onto your child’s shoe. You hold the remote and if they wander, you can locate them within 150 feet (it will cause the child’s Teddy to chirp if you activate it, allowing you to find them. That costs $60 for two Teddy devices and remotes, and I think there’s no monthly fee.
Ailu v’ailu…. Both philosophies are right. We need to make an effort religiously as well as practically. Being smart is making our own effort/hishtadlus and then davening and relying on Hash-em.
Tell her you love her and you are here for her in any way she needs. Don’t be afraid to cry with her. When I had multiple miscarriages, my best friend was so sad for me she began to cry and I did not feel so alone. Give her a website for other women experiencing fertility issues called fertile thoughts.com. It literally was my lifeline when I needed support. They have different forums for different issues including primary infertility, secondary infertility, miscarriages, male issues, advanced maternal age issues and concerns, adoption, etc… Almost anything you can think of. Good luck.
I think the $200 covers the full cost of the item with no recurring monthly fees (from what I read). This seems like a better device for kids because THEY wear it enabling us to find them, whereas with a gps, I don’t see how it would track a person without a clip on them.
For those interested, I started a new thread that will list safety devices.
Oh my goodness, how could anyone figure it out? Thank you though. I needed a little bit of comic relief from recent events.
It’s illogical that I feel guilt. I was nowhere near that area and didn’t even know what was happening until later. But, just being here, in Brooklyn, thinking about how close I was relatively, somehow not only angers me towards the perpetrator, but a little bit towards myself. This has made me more aware of how I am spending my time, and I have come to value davening and tehillim much more. I hope all the love and caring that we all are feeling towards this little boy’s neshama is brought up to him and gives him tremendous comfort and menuchas hanefesh. If we could not give that to him before, maybe it would be given to him now…..
I know I’ll hate myself for answering first. I’m terrible in math, but I’d guess 4,000 inches (don’t laugh). A billion would be 100x that of a million, and a trillion would be 100x that of a billion, right? Please let me be right!
I’m sorry I didn’t understand the latter part of the last post. You’re saying you don’t think my husband has done anything wrong?
When I discussed the problem I was having (mentioned in original post) my mother in law shifted the blame to me and said “why did you let yourself go?”
I feel an urgency to keep on top of this. We need to keep our eyes out for available devices, and what’s needed. What concerns me about phones is how many adults periodically misplace phones. Imagine kids! No less, imagine a kid on a bike, or at school, with notebooks, sefarim, knapsack, jacket… It’s a set-up for losing things. Maybe it should be a gps locating device small like a pin that clips onto clothing. We heard of something like that. Time to work on it. Give some controlled independence, when appropriate, with safety measures in place. We can’t cover all bases but we can try to cover some. Could we start a new lthread discussing and reviewing safety devices for kids? I think it would be helpful.
Ok. I get your perspective.
I think the point of the discussion is to try to learn something from it. We can’t learn for someone else the lessons they MAY need to learn. My point is, is it a possibility/realistic to advocate missing persons having a direct link to videos? My husband thinks it’s a violation of privacy rights, but being that it’s taping in public places, specifically with the option AVAILABLE to view BY missing persons IF someone gets lost, how is this a violation?
Correction. I’m not saying the boys are not moser nefesh or don’t work hard on themselves, but anyone who knows girls knows the efforts they have to make to put themselves together that young.
There’s more pressure on the girls to be ready younger, and as they grow, more and more girls are coming into the market. Girls need to be ready very young, set up financially either by parents or having their own means of parnasah at a very young age (how is an 18 year old going to do that?). The boys have the luxury of time, both biologically and socially. So there’s a scramble to get the girls set up and matched young. This scramble puts the boys at the advantage, when a person/gender is not as desperate, they can afford to take their time. The amazing thing is that it is the girls who are so pretty, make such a monumental effort to look good, work hard, behave nicely, and are willing to be moser nefesh letorah, who scramble and not the boys. I agree with you. It seems backwards.
No. It’s my first.
(thank you for the tel number)
Bob maniac, this is a matter of intelligence. A child is lost. Take a leap and make an independent decision to help. What’s so hard? I understand your wanting to be Dan lecaf zchus, but I think it’s misplaced in a situation of safety and danger to a child. Better that worker had risked losing their job, than deny a desperate person a chance to get help to locate a missing child.
Maybe we can all take it on ourselves to speak with the hanhala of our children’s schools to arrange this kind of safety training by police? I think they did it in yeshivas Boyan, but I think we each need to insist upon it in our children’s school’s. not to act panicked, but why wait for school? The kids spend so much time outside in summer, let the camps start and have a repetitive run through at school.
Bob maniac, I disagree with you. Imagine a person coming to you saying a child is lost who may have passed by your store and could we please see the video? Would you give them a hard time and say I can’t (b/c I don’t have permission, or I’m the only one here? Call a supervisor and get permission, ask what to do. I also find it improbable that an employee was alone. I’ve been in that store. It is almost always crazy busy, even on off days.
Heimishe mom- I love the bracelet phone. Where did you hear about that from?
I don’t know in the end if they complied with the request or not to allow them to see the videos, but I know they gave them a hard time, I think partlybecause of a lack of staff to help do it.
I really think there needs to be a system in place where missing persons can access the videos of local stores/houses (outside), to help them on the spot locate kids. They need to have immediate access online, not to waste time. This could have saved Leiby’s life a’h, as the whole way they located him was via video, which took I think more than 24 hours.
His lack of frumkeit affects me in the sense that he gets annoyed and gives me a hard time when I am involved in things: when I bench either I’m taking too long (I try to have kavannah), or it’s not a good time b/c the kids need me (why can’t he get up off the couch and stop reading his computer magazine to help me watch the kids while I bench? ). He doesn’t make time in his life for frumkeit and doesn’t want me to make time in my life for it either. My situation is so unbelievable, that it’s hard for anyone to advise me. A friend once saw him throw cups of cold water at me in a fit of rage, but when we tried to talk to my best friend about it, she asked “did that really happen?” (nothing like that has ever happened since). Even she couldn’t believe it. She does not want me to walk out, as she sees how hard it is out there for other singles. But she is not living my life. Her husband goes to minyan round the clock and does not put her down, b’h.
My parents want to help, but have limited resources, both financial and emotional. The advice I got is what I’ve been doing, which is to work on myself (my appearance) and get a job, so I could be independent if need be. The problem is, we’re not robots where when person has weight to lose they just do it and gamarnu. I did, and then had a setback after having a rough year with my special needs child. So I look at my future and think, how long can I live like this for where my husband simply refuses to touch me? I hate going to mikvah, which only later highlights the rejection. I’m afraid to go back to the rav to tell him my husband is still having this issue. I blame myself, and then wonder if the way he’s behaving is normal. I’m not running to move on. I just don’t want to be frozen in life forever. I am not a confrontational person, and am scared to be alone, so having these conversations both with our rabbi and him is difficult. Our rav is the rav he chose to pas kin any shailos that might come up in marriage. He was also the rav my husband went to after his first marriage fell apart. The only other rav we have is the one from our shul, who is quiet, busy, and we don’t really have a relationship with him (he was our mesader kiddushin. To dump all this on him is heartbreaking for me.
I just noticed that the safe haven sticker would be available to designated prechecked homes. An improvement, but not a complete remedy. A stcker, unless huge may not be visible. I’d like to see how they make it visible to children.
Tears…….. 🙁 I’ll look into the suggestions. Thank you. If anyone knows of any such groups and/or contact info please let me know.
It’s hard to say why they got and you didn’t when we don’t know what you went through. Maybe it’s a matter of “marketing”, so to speak. Their tragedy was so jarring and unexpected and I think the community connected to it in the sense that anyone with children, neices, nephews, grandchildren, was shocked into understanding how vulnerable all of our children are. So, donating is a way to help the family and give zchuyos to Leiby a’h when we were unable to help before, prompted by perhaps an unfulfilled wish to have succeeded in helping as well as being moved by all of our own fears and concerns for the safety of our loved ones. I don’t know how to ask this without putting you on the spot, but are you angry because you still need help? Maybe we can pool our resources of contacts to try to connect you to those who can give you the extra help at this time.
The preprogrammed cell phone is a great idea. Only caveat; children can lose or misplace them, so other measures are important. I definitely agree with the cell phone idea. I also think there needs to be a system put in place and legislation regarding missing persons having immediate access to videos. What are your thoughts on the video idea?
I think what makes my situation so confusing is that I’ve been told to bud out of the religious issues with him (by a well known rabbi). He is frum in some ways, but not others. He keeps shabbos, kashrut, tzitzis, niddah (easy for him when he’s not attracted to me/torturous for me) doesn’t Daven, put on tefillin, bench (I always have to remind him on shabbos, and he always has some excuse why it’s not a good time/the kids need us, etc.). We went for couples counseling. He didn’t want to do the work. I used to be much more self confident, sought after. Now , I can’t fathom making a life on my own or anyone wanting me. Am I wrong for thinking the religious issues are my business? I fear it will affect my kids religious development. There are so many threads about not breaking up a marriage. How do you know if/when you need to when you’re friends and your rabbi are telling you to ignore the issues?
I understand the link, however, Leiby a’h didn’t die al kiddush Hash-em. He was murdered without anyone knowing at the time. The result of his untimely death is a tremendous amount of davening, learning, and chesed. His death brought about a kiddush Hash-em. That is his zchus. Maybe it’s just a technicality with the difference of time.
In terms of it being a gilgul neshama, who knows. It’s speculation at best, but if a person in their lifetime wants to have the zchus of dying al kiddush Hashem, shouldn’t they have that zchus in their current lifetime when they mean it, versus another, when they wouldn’t? Again, an emunah and bitachon issue.
Yes I agree it’s commendable, but to say his 9 year old grandchild was taken in what sounds to be in lieu of that is very disturbing.
I heard within the last half an hour on the news on the radio. Maybe 1010 Wins. They also said he was drugged. Hash-em yerachem. The only thing about that is hopefully it diminished the time he was alert and in fear. It angers me to hear the story about what his grandfather said. If a person questions whether they should have lived I think they are the only ones who’s lives should be questioned for that (“al tiftach peh lesatan”). I don’t want to judge anyone. I just am beginning to see that it’s time to work on my emu a’h and bitachon.
The problem with those cross streets is that it would have required Leiby a’h to turn on an avenue to find a store. This was his first time walking alone. I don’t think he knew the area well enough to orient himself. A child might also think “just a little bit further there might be a store”. I applaud the law and think it’s useful and necessary, I just think they need to do more. I think it should be compulsory in the case of a lost child to allow the searchers to see the store video. Shame on the Childrens Place for giving them a hard time with viewing it. That’s lost time. Maybe the videos should be directly linked and accessible to either the FBI or missing persons division. Imagine if they could view all surrounding outside house and store videos within minutes? How much faster they can help a child. Mr German proved the importance of that.
You’re right, there are other issues. My husband doesn’t go to shul (except on shabbos shacharis, when we drag the whole family to make sure he goes and the kids see), doesn’t daven at home, doesn’t put on tefillin. I spoke with a rav and was told to bud out. I also discussed the above mentioned issue and was asked by this rav if I thought he was being unfaithful. I did/do not. Since that discussion, and because he works till so late, I have wondered, but hope and believe that’s not the case. There have been instances of verbal abuse. I was once told by him after a wedding, that I didn’t belong sitting on the side of the table where I sat (with friends/who are thin) but rather belonged on the other side of the table with the middle aged obese women. I was speechless. He doesn’t talk to me like this all the time, but when he does, I can’t believe what I’m hearing.. I never grew up like this. Part of what keeps me from walking is I am unemployed, have very young children, one of which has special issues. He is a very loving father, and I don’t believe anyone would have the patience he has for our child’s needs. I keep postponing walking out, thinking if I just lose enough and save enough, either things will improve or I’ll be in a stronger and better position to help myself. But with this weight setback, I’m beginning to wonder if I set myself up to wait endlessly, until I’m too old to make a life for myself.
I am so devastated to hear he was alive in the apartment till late Tuesday afternoon/early evening, and wasn’t helped or found. It pains me to think of the fear this poor child felt. I wish I would’ve been zoche to save him/ or that a video of him were found sooner. They might have been able to track him sooner to the apartment and help him. My heart is breaking.Somehow, I feel so responsible to have been so close and not helped him. It makes me so sad. I guess I have to work on my bitachon. I don’t know how anyone can ever get over this.
How about “BaGrill” ?
It’s downright chancy to let a stranger take your child into a bathroom (frum or not, ten years old and below). we all know the stories of frum people molesting children, however rare. Never leave a child unattended outside a bathroom. Bring them to security and have them watched there. Ask for a family bathroom, if possible. If a slightly older child needs to go in to an opposite gender bathroom, send a younger sibling with them, together with a frum stranger. Offenses are less likely to occur with two siblings together.
Was there another response that was deleted? I just realized My response may have been regarding a comment that is no longer visible. I think each person has to decide how they want to help. As long as I know 100% of the funds collected will go to the family, I would not question it. That is how I think. Others may choose differently; that is their perogative.
I apologize if I offended you, Itchesrulik. Your question is a legitimate one, and I do not take it to mean that you will/did not donate. I think the discussion of costly private therapy bears elaboration regarding the reasons it might be needed as an option, for those who might wonder, when donating.
I lost nearly 70 pounds of extra weight and was able to return to my original clothing size from the day we married. He stlll rejected me for months on end, at which point I became discouraged and began putting the weight back on (my issue; I’m working on this). I’m just questioning, am I crazy for waiting around, wasting months and years on end thinking things will improve and the attraction will grow? How am I to understand a man who is attracted to his wife when they first marry, and then, even returning to this weight, a lack of attraction or interest? I just don’t get it, and don’t want to waste my life waiting to see if it will be fixed, if I just become “good enough, or thin enough”.