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I think what bothers me isn’t so much their shabbos clothing, but that it really isn’t a shabbos activity. The problem is that all parks that I’ve seen have sprinklers on in the summer. My kids MUST run, and bolt for the water.
Ezrat H. : great suggestion! Thank you so much! And thank you all for writing and giving your thoughts and opinions. It definitely helps to hear what worked, what didn’t and all your suggestions. Again, thank you.
My mother always said the guy must like the girl just a little bit more than the girl likes the guy (because she’s very vulnerable). I would never try to convince a guy to go out again if he said the chemistry is off.
I once pushed myself to go out more than once with someone b/c he fit the bill, but I was NOT attracted to him. I continued for quite a while, and the guy really thought things were progressing. My feelings about the lack of attraction pretty much stayed the same, and I eventually ended that. I think it’s very rare that someone with whom you’ve had little or no attraction for, that it can work. Sometimes it can grow (depending upon how neutral the feeling was. A person’s appearance can change with something as simple as a change of clothing and or opening up personality wise. But, from experience, if it doesn’t grow within the first few dates, it probably won’t. I know of only one girl who married a man she was not attracted to (chemistry means either physical appearance or personality or both). She is still married to him after many years. But a) she followed the advice of her rav to marry him and b) she was truly not a shallow girl. She dressed neat and clean, but gave very little thought to her appearance. The friends she chose baalas midos tovos, not the super popular outgoing types who everyone flocks to. So she always chose based on good values.
I’m sorry for what you went through. It’s amazing that you came out intact, and a real credit to you.
I find it hard to instill a real appreciation of Yiddishkeit in the home. A lot of Yiddishkeit is about have to or can’t do’s. I remind my kids to say brachos and explain it’s how we thank Hash-em. I give them good positive verbal feedback (good job!) when they say it. But, somehow, the reminders seem a bit like nagging, and although they’re young, I don’t think they value saying brachos (for instance). We try to make shabbos fun (play dates, going to the park, shabbos treats, etc). But the do nots are so blatant (no elevator in a building, no bike riding, no muktza toys, no touching the air conditioner if you’re cold, no cooking (even if you want eggs or grilled cheese), etc. And the list goes on. Also, with regard to peer relationships and teachers, that can be an even greater challenge with a kid who doesn’t fit in b/c of special issues. The things that I would love to do that inspire me, to learn/read, go to shiurim, actually be able on shabbos to participate in a shul davening… None of these things are readily available to me at this time/stage in my life. So, I read to my kids, and sing to them at night/shma etc.
I made oatmeal pancakes for my kids last night, yum! So healthy…. Oatmeal, eggs, milk, sugar, and you can add a little peanut butter and or banana if you prefer. Serve with agave syrup. My kids gobbled it up!
I do see Sephardim giving tremendous kavod harav. It actually reminds me a little bit of how chassidim love and admire their rebbe.
Sephardim also, as far as I know, are very protective of their minhagim. It’s really inspiring, come to think of it.
Litvish- my nephew, b’h, is becoming more frum/learned each day. He has, b’h, such a “fire” to do the right thing. He tries very hard to be medakdek b’mitzvos. I see litvish/yeshivish this way, in general.
WIY: what’s “shaul”?
80: Please tell me you are not referring to MO as reshaim? I am not MO, and don’t follow their kulos, but find it so unpalatable that orthodox people would be called reshaim. We all have a need to work on our Yiddishkeit.
The other writer was told he is wrong in two possible ways: 1) if he’s davening loud during shmonah esrei and 2) that he’s davening in a MO minyan. He wrote his thread b/c he was bothered by the fact that people were talking, and was told he doesn’t belong in a MO minyan (if I understood correctly). There is no shaichus in my opinion. People talk in yeshivish minyanim as well as MO ones. Instead of advising him to leave the minyan if people were disseminating ideas that are k’neged hatorah (which I would do), he was advised to leave after complaining people were talking.
Shidduch stories…….. A boy I was set up with borrowed a car that was in very bad condition from a friend. It was a two door car, with only one working door (mine). He didn’t want to look for too long for parking in the city, so he pulled into this parking lot with really fancy cars. He waited for me to get out, but I could not! My door got stuck! The parking lot attendant was waiting (oy)! He was so smart! He rolled down his window and climbed out and pulled my door open from the outside! I was actually so impressed by that, that I agreed to meet with him again!
During a second meeting with a boy, I forgot his name and he realized it (blush)!
Lomed mikol Adam,
This isn’t a discussion about whether we believe with the hashkafa of MO, but rather why some would say it isn’t even ok to Daven in such a shul. I believe that many chareidim who feel that way would feel otherwise if they would find themselves in a MO community (ie: near a Sunday activity) and needing to Daven. Who would actually choose to Daven b’yechidus rather than join such a minyan?
Your screen name is so nice… Now we just have to believe it and live it.
I think instead of posts trying to figure out how the two groups are different and never the twain shall meet, maybe we should look at what’s similar, try to learn Torah together and increase achdus amongst AM YISRAEL.
I can’t answer specifically about camp simcha, but if you are interested I would recommend the following: camps for kids with special issues want staff who show an interest and a capacity to work with that population. Begin volunteering now in a pediatric unit in a hospital, call chai lifeline and ask for volunteer opportunities. Any experience you get, at any age will put you in a better position to show maturity, understanding of the issues the kids face, and a capacity to work with them. What a wonderful idea. Good luck!
MO believe inhesder yeshivot: combining periods of full time learning, alternating with serving in frum units in the army.
MO believe that the establishment of the state of Israel is d’hatchalta d’geula. That’s why they are zionistic, support serving in the Israeli army, send their kids to frum tzioni schools.
How do you expect to watch a movie if you’d never go to a theatre and don’t want a tv? I don’t understand.
HK’BH doesn’t ask who is mizrachi in this minyan and who is Chareidi. If you like the minyan, davening is davening. I think the question of who was right depends upon when they scolded you. If they expressed annoyance that your loud tefillah was disturbing their mundane conversation, then it’s time they take their conversation outside. Shul is for davening, not talking. If, however, they, who generally talk loud, were complaining to you about how your loud tefillos disturb them during their actual davening, that’s another story. Then, I believe, they have a right to ask you to soften the volume of your voice. Loud tefillah that enhances kavanah might be customary in certain environments (yeshivos) but not in others.July 31, 2011 11:30 pm at 11:30 pm in reply to: Tipping when the service is terrible. (or not there at all) #792688
I typically tip 15-20 %. However, if not just the service, but the attitude is unpleasant and lacking, I would leave a very small tip, and I would say out loud that I usually give more but found the experience unpleasant. That way, you’ve done what IS socially accepted, and made a point this waitress will remember, which is act minimally generous, get minimal.
I am someone who made the choice to get married knowing there were major obstacles in the union. We were hashkafically very different. A mekubal from a very well known family told me that if I didn’t marry him, I would never have children (another mekubal later told me this wasn’t true). This was an unacceptable option for me. I figured, we could make it work. I can tell you, had he been a mensch, I could have lived with the hashkafic differences. He would have been mature enough to learn from the issues I was pointing out. My marriage is falling apart not because of what I thought would interfere, or because of a fatalistic attitude on my part (even people with doubts go in hopeful), but due to his recent attitude that he could say or do whatever he wants, despite my feelings. I made the decision to get married, knowing I might get divorced, but at the very least wanting children. I am suffering the consequences of that decision now. But seeing my single friends who fear of never marrying, it’s hard to say who has it harder.
I would like to say one thing. I have noticed a difference, when watching shows/movies where couples argue with each other or act not nice (angry, chutzpadicke, etc) it does affect the way I interact with others. T.v. Is, in a way, like a teacher, that has our undivided attention, and it does influence us in a way that we may not always be aware of. There are childrens cartoons that I think are more innocent and benign, but if I felt more freedom to get rid of the t.v., I might opt to do so. I think children grow up better without the influence of t.v., and I would say that for just about anyone, Jewish or not.
I think movies are frowned upon because of bitul Torah and being exposed to untzniusdicke things. Frankly, if a person isn’t going to learn Torah in that time anyway, a lot of movies are very benign. Going to a theatre is another story, though. If I wouldn’t invite the others who are seated in the theaters to my living room, why would I sit with them there? It’s a shared experience, and thus a connection. The trouble is figuring out what’s ok to see and what’s not. By the time you’re ready to reject a movie, you’ve seen too much.
I think you need to figure out what “feels” like a vacation to you. Although I’d have fun in the city, it would not feel like a vacation to me. There’s a website you might want to check out called Time Out New York (www.Tony.com). They also have one for kids called tonykids.com. It lists all the different activities in and around new York (Tri-State area included) and divides it by day trips, weekend trips, free events, festivals etc..
You might find something there.
I didn’t see movies for 7 years, after I saw a movie that was so untzniusdicke, I was horrified and walked out in the middle ( and found half the theatre was yeshiva boys and seminary girls (in Israel). Then, a friend of mine came in from out of town and wanted to see “Who Framed Roger Rabbit, which was partially a cartoon. My parents pushed me to go, for her. That kind of broke down the wall a little bit. Later, I was set up with a guy from a yeshivish background who (unbeknownst to me) became a bit more modern. We went out for a while, but I hung back because of the hashkafic differences. To see if I’d be ok with his way of life, I agreed to see a movie, only far away, where no one would see me. The next night I told him I wanted to see a movie again! I still didn’t want a tv in my future house, which was agreed upon. However, a friend bought us a tv as a wedding present (I suspect so he could watch when he came over). That was the end of that.
Try calling pomegranate supermarket in Brooklyn. I’m pretty sure I saw an entire wall of fresh coffee beans/etc. They have a huge selection and may, in fact, carry flavored coffee.
Tasters choice makes flavored coffee- vanilla, hazelnut, etc.
You can also buy flavored creamer. Check your local supermarket or order online.
I have heard that instructional swim is allowed during the 9 days, but not free swim. I also know camps that do not allow any swim. Perhaps there are different opinions
Can you give a suggestion of such a chashuvah rav who deals with shal-om Bais issues?
I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. You state that you pay 4 yeshiva tuitions a year, but that if you were to pull them out of yeshiva only one would be affected by that (why is that?). Pulling children out of yeshiva sends a message that it is not important or a priority. Torah is like food for children; if you don’t nourish them when they are young they will not grow properly. I see several choices available: 1) is there another yeshiva nearby that has a lower tuition rate? 2) speak with the current principal regarding freezing tuition hikes until things improve financially 3) ask if you can get an additional discount by helping out the yeshiva in some capacity (I know well respected people who had financial difficulty who did this. 4) (if your kids are old enough) lay down the law to them. Tell them that you expect them to help with expenses in whatever way they can and to contribute half of their earnings to you. Maybe they can do babysitting.
I know what it is to live for the current day and not be able to save. We do not own a home and have no
savings, but would never consider giving up yeshiva.
I want to add that I think there may be a market for trainers amongst women who are too intimidated to go to a gym and who need someone to help them. You might want to try going to your local weight watchers center and asking if there is a board where you can post an advertisement.
I hired a personal trainer years ago to come to my home, but it was someoneI knew from the gym. I think I paid about $50 an hour. I don’t see people hiring for two hours at a time. Training is usually about toning and strength training and typically doesn’t exceed one hour. Some may want to do cardio also, but they may opt to split the one hour to half cardio and half toning to keep the price down (or they’ll do the cardio on their own time). I wouldn’t hire a trainer who has no experience, so I’d suggest you start there. Find a few friends who want to work out and give them a super break for a few sessions each ($15-20/hour). Try to market to those interested in training privately who can afford to pay. Advertise in Sephardic publications and other ones that are given out for free in stores (more exposure). Try luach.com. If this is a side interest, you haven’t much to lose.
It’s normal to feel jealous. It’s part of life. What matters is what you do about it. When I went through a period of infertility/miscarriages, I had a very hard time seeing people on the street who had children, let alone a whole group of them. I then asked myself “why am I jealous?” and I realized it’s because I wanted children to love and to guide/teach. I then understood that this is Hash-em’s will and I should be grateful and happy that the children were brought into the world somehow, even if not from me. I said a little kapitle of tehillim for those families that they should grow and be well and be zoche to more. It was very painful for me, but it actually lessened the pain when I Davened for them and looked at myself as being a smaller part of the klall. Pray for your friend that she should be happy (even if you don’t feel it or mean it/it will connect you to her and you will with time feel more joy) and be grateful to Hash-em that He helped her find her zivug so she can grow more and tell Hash-em that you look forward to finding your own. Be’ezras Hash-em, you will be rewarded with a wonderful person whom you will say was worth waiting every minute for. Hatzlachah rabbah!
I know what it is to be afraid of growing old. I have a husband who criticizes me for being overweight, so I can only imagine the taunts and hurtful comments that I might be subjected to. This is not only a youth oriented society, it’s a looks oriented society. Look bad, deserve bad (treatment). I intend to have work done on my skin, when the need arises. Although there is no shame in growing old, I don’t see why we can’t invest in ourselves to make ourselves look the best we can. It can’t come down to our accepting ourselves based on being able to dress well or get cosmetic work done, though. If there is no money for such things, we still have to like ourselves.
Growing old doesn’t mean there will be no one there for you to look up to. I am learning, through difficulty, that people younger than me have acquired much wisdom and possess much kindness. There will always be people there for you to celebrate life with and mourn life with.
Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.
It’s a tease and nothing more. One is inevitably more interested in the other, which leads to heartbreak. Friendship is about sharing to get close, breaking down barriers to become emotionally intimate (which can lead to physical intimacy). Anyone who denies this is in denial or in a relationship with someone who is the more interested party. It’s a modern idea that needs to be eliminated from the orthodox community.
I can tell you that the most Chashuv people I know have made shidduchim with kids from broken families (rosh kollel, learning/chashuv families). I’ve come to understand that they take each person on an individual basis. After having lived life a bit myself, I’ve also come to see that being a good marriage candidate has to do with a persons level of maturity. Life can help a person mature, but so can growing up in a home where good middos are taught.It’s two different ways of maturing. If a guy has all the “bells and whistles” ( money, good looks), but lacks personality or middos, than her admiration of him will diminish very quickly.
While I agree that people look for excuses not to do mitzvos and that there is merit to exploring whether my son was drinking enough, staying in the sun too long etc., I would not respond to a question a person asks in such a sarcastic tone. Comparing possibly being overheated from a second layer of clothing is NOT the same as saying maybe I got a headache from a Kippah. Your wish to make a point/teach a lesson is lost on your silly comparison. Take people’s questions more seriously, and be Dan lekaf z’chus that someone wants to do the right thing and is therefore asking and answer respectfully.
I think you need to have several dates in mind and play it by ear. I once heard rosh hashanah is really the time of everyone’s birthday, that we all theoretically turn one year older at that time. Doing it before her real birthday sounds like a good option. After, not so good. The party will be bittersweet for her, as she’ll have spent time thinking that on an important birthday she was forgotten. There really is no way you can plan this solidly, as the due date is two weeks before her birthday, and a woman can give birth between two weeks before to two weeks after her due date.I vote for “labor” day weekend. You can even joke how she’s giving birth to a new year (I know; corny).
Feeling pretty. I was told for years that I have such amazing hair; hairdressers could not believe I cover it with a wig. No matter how beautiful or expensive a wig is, it just does not compare with being able to walk around with your own hair uncovered. Tznius also makes me feel like I just can’t let loose. I always have to be aware of how I sit, walk, talk, etc.
As I’m not a confrontational person, I never came out right and said I don’t want to be friends with her. I simply stopped calling, writing, etc. She has written by e-mail many times attempting to renew the friendship. I am wary, knowing how rough she can become if upset with you. She doesn’t seem to get the message, but befriending her is opening up myself to all sorts of hurts. I decided to make myself available to her, to help her, but only with this crisis. I think she knows me well enough to know the difference between my caring, and my wanting to pursue a friendship.
Ok. Maybe I shouldn’t be posting here because I’m a woman, but I have a question. My son became very overheated today outdoors, and vomited and felt ill and lethargic for quite some time. My husband argued that tzitzis only needs to be worn if a man is wearing a four cornered garment. I, of course argued that it’s a mitzvah. I hear the supporting arguments from everyone, but, now, after today, I wonder, if having an extra layer can endanger a child’s health(and you might argue that wearing it actually protected him), but he was wearing the neat zit, and realistically, it is like wearing a second t-shirt under the first. Is it, in fact, a mitzvah to wear it all the time, or only to “add” it to a four cornered garment, when worn?
Not quite the same type of giving something up, but years ago I went on a shabbaton from arachim in the mountains. We left too late and had to park our car before shabbos started, miles away in a strangers driveway and walk to the shabbaton. We arrived, walking, on shabbos, with only the clothing on our backs. People were so nice. They gave us pajamas, clothing, etc. It was truly embarrassing, but such a nice feeling to be surrounded by many chassidim (we are not chassidishe) treated so warmly, like family.
She has tried to reach out to me on many occasions to renew the friendship. Her nastiness was not an isolated incident, but a lengthy period of time where she snubbed me and ignored me in public. This was after years of putting myself out for her financially and physically, during the happiest times in her life to the most painful. My family made her vort (spending over a thousand dollars) and I shlepped a large wagon full of groceries on public transportation for over two hours to her house when she went through a trauma. In light of these and other such extensions of friendship, it was appalling that someone could so easily discard a friendship without asking what happened. She has a history of using people and then losing them as friends, and yet, I feel compelled to help, but am torn.July 24, 2011 2:34 pm at 2:34 pm in reply to: Should one mourn the death of a Jew no matter who? #789084
I know of whom you are speaking. While I would not mourn her death as another, I would mourn her not having found her way back to Yiddishkeit. I would use the feelings of loss and sadness as a way to strengthen yourself and your own commitment, which hopefully would be a mailitz yosher for her in shamayim.
Boil quinoa, add craisins, cashews, olive oil lemon juice, salt and chopped mint leaves… Very yummy, and healthy!
Thinking about who he’d marry worries me less than thinking there’s no one left. Maybe he was thinking all the women he loves are taken… I’ll check it out later. I just don’t want him thinking there’s no one for HIM.