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Thank you all so much for your beautiful words of Chizuk and for your Tefillos which I am sure will be heard by the Av HaRachamim and thereby bring Yeshuos to the world. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support! May we all be Zoche to have our tears and heartfelt Tefillos go straight to the Kisei HaKavod and be accepted L’Ratzon. May we have only Nachas from our children and share many Simchos.
No – I don’t think “how am I going to show my face in shul now?”. I think “how much I wish my son was in Shul with me now as he was when he was younger”. He was and still is, a beautiful Neshoma, just so troubled. When his friend R”L lost his father at age of 7 y.o., my son broke down crying in pain for his friend’s loss. My son used to be the first into Minyan every morning and then he had a terrible year in Yeshiva (where he was exposed to things a child should never hear) and everything fell apart. My thoughts are – deep down he is in so much pain and yearns for his real mission in life and for and closeness to Hashem; yet to my sorrow, he cannot find it. It is as if a person had a child afflicted with a terrible disease, R”L, and the cure was available, but for some reason, the cure could not be made available to the child. How helpless would one feel then? This is how I feel. Hashem Yerachem on all children in such a Matzav and that they all should be brought back B’Karov Mamush to realize and partake of the beauty and radiance of the Torah, Mitzvos and closeness to Hashem.
Thank you very much for your kindness and suggestion. Can you please suggest an organization that helps people learn over the phone?
Rabbi Paysach Krohn Shlita explicitely talked about this issue in one speech and urged the Olam to wear a tie at Shabbos Mincha as taking it off is disgracing the Kavod Shabbos. Plain and simple -no reason to “Dray a Kup” with any ridiculous Sevora to take off ties. In the Telzer Yeshiva, we all wore our ties for Shabbos Mincha and if we did not, we would certainly have been disciplined. Of all the Gedolim I have been Zoche to see, not one would come to Shul any time, least of all on Shabbos, without a tie. Those who would disgrace the Shabbos by such a causal attitude should be ashamed of themselves – it is in my opinion – to be like the Goyim around us who have turned casualness into a “style”. That Charedi people should copy this in even the slightest way on Shabbos is a disgrace. In the Breuer’s Shul, the Gabbai gave me on a tie to put on for an Aliyah on weekdays; who could imagine even walking into Shul without a tie on Shabbos!March 7, 2012 4:02 am at 4:02 am in reply to: Tefilla for teens in crisis – need your ideas to improve it #857906
Thank you very much for your kind words, which validates my efforts so much.
I wrote a paragraph to daven for the parents of these children, but did not include it in the “Tefilla” proper:
Crushed by their own inability to steer their children onto the path filled with such aromatic and breath-takingly beautiful flowers
To turn all this beauty aside to paths so foreign and so stenchful, for reasons no one can understand
Oh Hashem, all their parents wish is to raise their children to an emotionally healthy life filled with Torah and Mitzvos
Please answer their deepest prayers and yearnings with happy tidings
For with You is our hope and Your salvation knows no boundsMarch 6, 2012 5:13 am at 5:13 am in reply to: Tefilla for teens in crisis – need your ideas to improve it #857904
MiddlePath: Thank you so very much for your wonderful words of Chizuk and support. Your words come at such a wonderful time for me as I going through a very low period. You have given me Chiyus and reason to march forward. Yasher Koach and you be blessed manifold for your kindness.March 6, 2012 12:55 am at 12:55 am in reply to: Tefilla for teens in crisis – need your ideas to improve it #857902
The little I know: Perhaps you are right and I have no business writing this “Tefilla”, considering my low stature (I am not saying this to jest – I really know I am low in stature). However, I wrote this Tefilla in response to the advice from my Rebbi Shlita. I do not know what good will come out of this writing. Considering the low response to this thread, I guess very little will come of it. For sure, if the Gedolim write the Tefilla, it will be a million-fold more valuable (or more).
Hi – what a pleasant suprise and honor to be asked about my wellbeing in the CR (and to have my “name” in the title of a thread!). Thank you very much. It is very much appreciated. B”H, I am keping in reasonable spirits; writing the Tefillos has given me a cause and the strength to hold up while I am going through a painfully long time trying to get a civil divorce after giving the Get 2 years ago.
Perhaps you might be able to give me some ideas about another Tefilla I wish to write – I was advised by my Rebbi Shlita to write a Tefilla to Daven on behalf parents of teens “at risk” (i.e teens living in the street and off the Derech etc.). Do you know where I can find material to learn about the pain and struggles of these parents, so that I can identify with their Tzuros and thereby try to find words for a Tefilla? The idea of such a Tefilla would be to ask HaKadosh Boruch Hu to give these parents the strength to endure in the interim and ultimately to “reclaim” their loved ones, having found their way back to live emotionally and spiritually healthy lives.
Thank you very much for your kindness.February 12, 2012 8:15 pm at 8:15 pm in reply to: #850686
I think that the objections of “adocs” and “147” are non-starters. The Tefilla for Agunos was written for a unique tragic situation: women who cannot remarry because they are denied the Halachic “bill of right” to do so by a husband who uses the Torah’s laws to hurt her. The case where a husband is denied parenting rights is truly an inexcusable injustice perpretrated on him and on the children by the wife, but is not anywhere in the same class of tragedies as the Agunah case is. To criticize a prayer for an Agunah because it is not “gender neutral” is like critizing a Tefilla for sick people because it did not include other groups of suffers such as financially impoverished people.
The Agunah’s tragedy is precisely because the Torah’s laws are being “hijacked” (I borrowed this phrase from George W. Bush) to punish the woman (i.e. deny her the right to remarry) by the husband for his selfish reasons. The case where a wife is being unreasonable and unfair to her ex-husband, has nothing to do with “hijacking” the Torah’s laws.
No man has the right to use his Torah-itic powers over Kiddushin and Nissuin to deny his wife the basic right to find her true Zivug once the marriage is irrevocably over. The right for a woman to receive a Get is a so fundamentally undeniable, that it must NEVER be held hostage by financial, custodial or other negotiating positions. I have the right to say this since I am an ex-husband who was dealt painful “hard-ball” tactics by the ex-wife; yet it would be unconscionable to me to hold up the Get process even in the face of these tactics.February 10, 2012 7:07 pm at 7:07 pm in reply to: #850678
Another version of the Tefilla for Agunos follows. I hope that Agunos will get Chizuk from these words and that other people will be aroused to Daven on their behalf from the bottom of their heart:
TEFILLA TO DAVEN ON BEHALF OF AGUNOS
May it be Your will, our beloved Father in Heaven
To bring the tragic plight of Agunos before Your Throne of Glory most favorably
May Your mercy be aroused by the unbearable suffering they undergo constantly
And remember them for salvation and mercy from the eternal high heavens
O Hashem, please draw near to them in their anguish; please deliver unto them a complete redemption
Please take them out from darkness to light, from sadness to happiness, from suffering to total relief and from hopelessness to hope
So that Your loved ones will be rescued, please deliver with Your right hand and answer me in the merit of Soroh, Rivkah, Rochel and Leah our Matriarchs
When the humble will see Your salvation, they will rejoice – those who seek Hashem, and their hearts will be revived
For You Hashem listen to the prayers and supplications of Your nation Israel with mercy
No doubt that there are women who abuse their power with regard to child vistation and other issues pertaining to their estranged husbands. “Control freaks” know no gender bounds. (I know sadly from personal experience since I am a male who gave my wife a Get promptly when she wanted it and now I am getting constantly manipulated in my quest to get the civil divorce.) However, I must stop you when you say “most Agunot only have themselves to blame”. I have no data to support me, but I am sure as one can be that the vast majority of Agunot are innocent victims in dreadful states. Therefore,we must support them in the fullest way, including Tefilla.
Perhaps you are equally a victim and my heart goes out to you. May Hashem show you mercy and that all your family issues should be resolved L’Tovah in a Mazel-dik time.
I was a Mashgiach for a Kashrus organization and without a doubt, any manufactured product (with very few exceptions, and chocolate bars are not an exception) do require a Hechsher. (Even dried fruits need a Hechsher because of manufacturing issues!). It is impossible for someone outside of the Hashgacha world to know how a product like a chocolate bar was manufactured (whether Treif products were manufactured on the same machinery). Also some ingredients seem innocuous to a lay person, but may in fact be animal derivatives. Instead of arguing here, we should demand that Jewish schools teach these basics to the students, or at least invite Hashgacha experts to do a few workshops with the students.
Upon thinking this over more, I came up upon a stumbling block, since it is hard to determine how a true Makir Tov would behave on a higher level (than non-Makirei Tov), in the following scenarios:
I claim, I can only marry a Makir Tov. But what should my (future wife do, in order to be a Makir Tov i.e. how can she rise above the behavior of non-Makirei Tov). Should I expect that every time I change the baby’s diaper, set the table or change a light bulb that she should tell me what a Tzaddik I am or throw me tiker-tape parade (rhetorical question)? So what is realitic to expect from a true Makir Tov wife for daily nice things I do for her or for the household? Obviously if I will be waiting for my tiker-tape parade, I will be bitterly dissapointed. So what behavior is exhbited by a true Makir Tov that can make the marriage so much better, than sets her aside from a woman who believes that she is entitled to nice things from her husband all the time. If I am not making sense, just please tell me in your own words, how a Makir Tov spouse makes all the daily chores and hurdles much more pleasant to get through (simiar to what “Think first” wrote above: Its all about being appreciated, where there appreciation things can be tough financially or otherwise and the marriage will continue to blossom, where there’s no appreciation people feel lonely and forgotten.”. Lastly, what must I do for my spouse to give her the Chizuk to remain a Makir Tov through all the difficulties of taking care of a family?
Unfortunately in today’s society, many people have an attitude of “It’s coming tome to me” (someone know this in Yiddish – please write in), or sometime known as entitlment. This a major contribution to the Kafoi Tova attitude we see rampant (I think). It must start in the home when children are still little, to show them how to reject his attitude of being Kafoi Tov. Instead we need to focus and find (on our own) miracles and grfeat Chasodim from Hashem as well as from people. – I know someone who sent a small gift of appreciation to Rav Breuer ZT”L. The donor promptly received a letter in mail from Rav Breuer saying how underserving he was of the present and how much he appreciated it. It seems that this is the attitude we need to inculcate children so that when they reach “The Parsha”, this will be built ino the personality. Please provide feednack, stories etc.
Thank youJanuary 1, 2012 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm in reply to: A male trying to empathize with the plight of Agunos #846793
It occurred to me that we shoudl say the Berocha of ‘R’eh Vunyeinu” (7th Berocha in weekday Shemona Esrei) with much more fervor and have in mind the sufferinG Agunot, i.e that Hashem should redeem them quickly for teh sake of His name.
I would like to write an English prayer for Agunot as some of you have read other prayers I wrote (such as for deperately ill children and childless couples). However, in order to write such an emotion-laden prayer, I must somehow be able to put myself in the Agunot’s shoes and experience their painful emotions (to a 1/1,000,000 degree of the suffering) they and their children are going through. In order to put me into this state of mind, I need to hear stories about their horrific plight and anguish. Would someone please kindly share some stories of horror that the Agunot are going through? Don’t spare me any agony – it is high time that a prayer was written for exclsuively for their suffering.
Thank you very much.
Your intuition is right on target – I must be made to understand the “basis” for my ill-fated “decision” back then, so that I won’t repeat it every again. While I could list probably 10 serious fundamental mistakes I made in deciding to marry my ex-wife, the first and foremost is that I decided to stay engaged to her after she did not thank me for the diamond ring. If I could have a time machine and go back in time, the first thing i would have done (after I did not received a thank you), was to jump on a phone and call my Rebbi Shlita and ask him if this omission on her part is fundamental Pegam (i.e. Kafoi Tov) and if, therefore, I should end the Shidduch on the spot. I finally did get enough guts to say to her: I am afraid you did not like the ring since you never said anything about it”, ber resposne was so “far afield” and did not adddress the fudamental Pegam of appearing like a Kafoi Tov. I think her answer showed even more so how she not into thanking and I should have again called my Rebbi on the spot.
What to learn from this, for Shidduch seekers? Identify must-have Middos (for the health of your marriage and Mikdash Me’at you wish to build with this person) and stragegize how to put an opportunity into the dating schedule for her to activate the good Middah you are looking for, as the previous responder posted (By the way – all of you responders were great. A major Yashefr Koach for your thoughts, ideas and strong words of encouragement).
By the way, there was an entire tumult in the CR a few month ago about the gentleman holding the door for the lady. I feel that a true Gomel Chesed woman would naturally not wish to have the door held all the time for herself and would therefore likely would hold the door at least once and say something like: “my turn to hold the door for you”. We are looking for more of a Nosein (givver) than a Mekabel (receiver). Of course , it is our duty (for men) to be at least as diligent in doing Chesed for her and she should expect this of you as well. My father A”H used to run to hold the door for whoever was coming into the building coutrtyard to let them in (or out) even though B”H he had Aishes Chayil waiting for at home; this just means that he wanted his identity to be one of a Nosein. We should seek to find a true Nosein and be one ourselves as well.
From WIY’s post: “Usually people who don’t appreciate have a slew of other problems. So keep your eyes open for signs of an attitude problem, arrogance, selfishness and self absorption, thinking they are always right…”.
WIY – you are so correct – if only you would have been at my right side ready to advise me before I got married, I might have been saved from a disaster… – what started out as a failure to utter a simple thank for valuable presents (i.e. for the diamond ring during engagement), turned into slew of other issues after the Chasunah – i.e. always thinking she was right, unwilling to change one’s tone of voice in communicating despite my request that she talk B’Nachas even when she must criticize. Probably was also self-absorbed and had a negative attitude toward Rabbonim that she knew better than them waht to do – i.e. such as refusing to go to the Mikvah often). However, it is still very tough to judge the entire character of a person before marriage (remember the Vort of Havei Dun Es KOL HaAdam L’Kaf Zchus (Pirkei Avos) – i.e. when one sees a incipient character flaw, and assuming you really have “fallen” for that girl, you may eaily justify your choice for her in that her flaw is limited to a minor scenario, while convincing yousrelf that the entirety of the person is still good. Well obviously sometimes these justifications are killers and could cause one to throw out the better part of one’s life in a miserable marriage. Pleae kindly advise and give perspective on this issue.
Thank you very much.
Does anyone feel that it would L’Toeles L’Rabbim if we put together a small Chbbur (in En glish) on this sunject, with help of Rabbanim and Frum marriage counelors.
The topics that would be covered are:
1 Define Hakaras HaTov (especially in its fullest form).
3. Where do we learn this Middah (examples of fulfillment of this) fromm Tenach, Chazals and stories of Rishonim and Acharonim?
4. How does HaKaras Hatov work to create the glue for the good marriages and exactly how does one best fulfill this Middah in marriage situations, especialy as “the going gets rough”? crancky childrem need to picked and shipped off to school,and dealing with major injuries, laying sports, sulking teeanager.
5. How does one fix this Middah if he/she is lacking? Can the marriage be saved if one partner only saccepted fault in this Middah after some years into the marriage, T
6. How does excellent Hakaras HaTov contribute to happy, healthy marriages, especailly when other factors one many other issues that can drag down tha marriage (such as exhaustion from child-rearing, exhaustion fom the check-producing job)
Please kindly offer suggestions as to which Rabbanim, mental-health therapists to consult to gain material to write the Chibbur and which aditional subtopics (within this overall theme of HaKras HaTov/marriage, we should cover.
Thank you very much.
Thank you all for your most helpful suggestions and for sharing your life’s experiences. May we be Zoche that our marriage and that of our children should be filled with Simcha, personal fulfillemnt and spiritual growth and be a Kesher Shel Kayama.January 1, 2012 6:58 am at 6:58 am in reply to: A male trying to empathize with the plight of Agunos #846792
Wow – I am so gratified by the words of Chizzuk, empathy and Your Tefillos on my behalf. It means more to me that anyone can imagine to have such support in my corner and to read such words of validation. May Hashem bless you all with great happiness, spiritual and material prosperity and unlimited Nachas from your children.
Thank you very much to all of those who wished me encouragement and Chizuk. May your Tefillos be answered L’Tovah, B’Karov as well.November 22, 2011 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #888446
To say that your problems are self-imposed, i.e. that you have set your standards too high (as “ronrsr” psoted above), is blaming the victim – to make you feel guilty on top of your already low feelings. I would say to definitely ignore such advice. Rather, I believe you should concentrate on ways to increase your emotional devotion in Tefilla (it may already be high, but always can improve) and doing acts of Tzedaka and Chesed that will increase your Zechusim. I know someone who had a “miracle child” born after he worked very hard to continously do acts of Kiddush Hashem over a period of time – not big acts – just small things such as helping people “Shlep” their bags from the store, holding doors open, going out of the way to show honesty in money matters openly etc.- to show people how wonderful a Yid behaves – and after each act of Kiddush Hashem, he was Mispallel (in one sentence in English) that the merit of the act of Kiddush Hashem should lead to having a child. It worked.
It was said about Rav Schwab ZT”L that when he found some money on the floor in a train station, he told his son that he (Rav Schwab) will return the money to the token booth clerk (although Al Pi Halacha, he could keep it) and he would “put his beard in the window” of the token booth to show the clerk how a Yid acts honestly. I think doing such acts of Kiddush Hashem are a very big Zechus and after each such act, you should ask Hashem in your own language that in the Zechus of this act, He should bring your Shidduch to you soon (but don’t take it from me alone; ask your Rov if this sounds like a good idea). Don’t be afraid to “talk to” Hashem and explain in your own words how desperate you feel and how much it would mean to you (and how much more complete your Avodas Hashem would be) to find your Shidduch. Of course Hashem already knows your feelings and needs, but our Avodah of Tefilla requires that we express this in words to Hashem. If you want to post your matrilineal name, I will be happy to Daven for you. May you be Zoche to find your intended Shidduch very soon in a most pleasant and happy way!November 22, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #888444
I feel very much for your Tzoro which undoubtedly is very poignant and profoundly impacts your daily quality of life. I unfortunately do not know any Segulah (although I have been told that people do go to Kivrei Tzaddikim in Eretz Yisroel to Daven for a Yeshuah from this Tzoro). I wrote a “A “prayer” for a soul searching for his/her Zivug” and posted it in the YWN CR at:
Obviously, I cannot claim that this “prayer” has any power since I am a simple person who has little merit (and probably many sins), so it is not at all anything like a real Tefilla formulated by a Tzaddik. But, perhaps when you read this, it will resonate with you and give you a little Nechoma. My real hope is that by reading it, it will stir in the reader deep emotions and prompt him/her to Daven (e.g. Tehillim or even his/her own self-composed Tefilla) with his/her full emotional being (as Chana did when she was Mispallel for a son), which will have the power to break through the gates of Shomayim. I do hope that you will post back and tell us if this “prayer” resonated with you.November 21, 2011 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm in reply to: Moving somewhere else since there are no jobs in NY #828901
I live in the Midwest and would be happy to look around for you for a job, but I need to know what your field is and what line of work you are interested in. I am not certain how to get a line of communication with you since our ID’s are protected in the CR. I have helped others re-work their resumes to be more attractive for employers and if there is a way for us to communicate directly, I would be happy to do the same for you. Also, where to live in the Midwest depends on the age of your children and what kind of Chinuch you want for them. For example, Chicago and St. Louis have many more Chinuch options than Cincinnati and Indianapolis, but have certain disadvantages as well. I wish you Hatzlocho Rabboh – if I can be of help, please let me know.
yytz: Thank you very much for your most kind words. It is very heart-warming to see such kind words especially months later.
Several months ago, I posted a “prayer” in YWN CR, for others to be Mispallel on behalf of childless couples. It can be found at :
I think that we need to find an area that we as a community are lacking and make 120% effort to improve to show the RBS”O that we heeding His messages (via the recent unimaginable tragedies) seriously. I think that we can all stand improvement in the area of adherence to Hilchos Shabbos. Maybe we could, as a small group here on the CR, take upon ourselves to learn 2 Halachos about Shmiras Shabbos daily and start a chain reaction for Teshuva in this area. I remember hearing that the Chafetz Chaim ZT”L wrote that it is almost impossible not to violate Hilchos Shabbos if we don’t seriously study the Halachos. Could we agree to take one Sefer, perhaps “The Shabbos Home” by Rabbi Simcha Bunim Cohen (Artscroll) and learn every day 2 Halachos without fail? If you agree, please ask others to respond to this CR thread and we can get this Teshuva movement going strong.
What common act of improvement can we all do that would show the RBS”O that we are serious about taking His message (sent via tragedies to young children) to heart? I can certainly think of many improvements that I, as an individual need to do, but it would seem that such a spate of tragedies from the RBS”O indicates that we as a community are failing in some way spiritually. I think that one thing we can all improve on is our adherence to Halacha, especially Hilchos Shabbos which I believe the Chofetz Chaim ZT”L said that it is almost impossible not to violate if we do not study the Halachos very seriously. Maybe if we all take upon ourselves to study 2 Halachos about Shabbos. Maybe we can all agree to take one Sefer – perhaps the Shabbos Home by Rabbi S.B. Cohen and learn every day – would this be possible – maybe we can get a chain going to many people. Perhaps we could get the Haskomah of a Gadol to take this improvement on ourselves.
Yes you certainly have permission to print both prayers. Some time back I wrote a prayer on behalf of childless couples. It is still on YWN (Tefillah section) with the title: Is it time to Daven on behalf of childless couples?”
Thank you all very mcuh for the kind words. Of cours you may print or distribute it.
May Hashem answer all your Tefiilos as well.
I heard on a radio show by a computer world Mavin that Steve Jobs would fire people instantly willy-nilly in the company elevator if they could not answer a question he asked them on the spot. Clearly not a man to emulate or to shed tears over. By contrast in the Goyishe world, I hear reporters saying that people walked into Apple stores and started crying over his death. How can there be nothing of more gravity to cry over, especially not even knowing the person?! What vapid minds, hard to believe they were created in the Tzelem Elokim.
Does anyone know how to donate money for the family? – Not that money can take away one miniscule fraction of their pain, but it might help get them avoid having financial crisis (father can’t work during Shiva and he might need to be home more to help out and unable to get to work) on top of their grief.
I meant to say women have precedence over men for Pidyon Shevuyim (freeing from captivity). My apologies about the spelling error. The point is you can’t just quote one Halacha (about the life and death situation) and neglect to mention the other Halachos (about Tzedaka and Pidyon Shevuyim) that don’t support your point.
I asked a prominent Rov and he assured me that the Gemora’s statement that a man should not follow a woman applies when walking behind her (e.g. down the street) and does NOT apply to a situation where the woman (e.g. your date) walks first through a doorway and then stands aside waiting for you to join her on the other side of the doorway. According to those who want the man to walk first across the doorway and let the door close after him (or hold the door by putting their arm behind them as someone proudly posted that he did when dating), he would still see the woman walk across the doorway to join him, which would present the same problem as when the woman walked through the doorway first. So then you are forced to say that the man should turn his head opposite of the side the woman is coming from, etc. You can see how ridiculous this gets. The point is that walking behind a woman who is walking ahead of you presents a unique problem (which the Gemora forbids), one that is NOT encountered by letting the lady cross the doorway first and wait for you on the other side. No one said you have to watch her walk through the doorway while you are holding the door for her
Also, please DO NOT quote the Halacha about men vs. women on a sinking ship with insufficient liferafts. What about the same Siman in Shulchan Aruch that says that women take precedence over men for Pidyon Shevutim and Tzedaka? Why did you “cherry-pick” and just choose the one Halacha that you believe supports your view? Also, this situation has nothing to do with holding the door for a woman to go first.
Pac-Man: Please provide the Simun in Shulchan Aruch that states this Halacha.
Pac Man and Daas Yochid:
I’ll tell you what – let us make a wager – we’ll ask a Rosh Yeshiva what is the Torah way. If your way is the Torah way, it is a great sadness. I can’t begin to tell you what a Kiddush Hashem people at work make when one holds the door open for co-workers. According to your way, you could only hold the door open for male co-workers, but not for female co-workers!
Also – you failed to address my point that this Chazal only means when walking along a path – do not walk behind a woman; show me where it says that this Chazal also applies when going through a doorway. This behavior is boorish in any society. How much more so it is boorish to do this to a date or wife. I hope that the YWN editor will step in and put some true Torah perspective on this.
I am no Posek, but the idea that a man should not walk behind a women almost certainly is TOTALLY irrelevant when just walking through a doorway. It means that in the street, a man should walk in a path that is not behind a women. No one said that a man has the right to be rude and not hold the door or jump into the doorway first. To think that Chazal would tell us to do something rude is unconscionable. It is warped thinking and if that is how the fellow will be, let someone else have him as their husband – you don’t want to go near such a person. The ways of the Torah are “Darchei Noam”. The Gedolei HaDor always truly knew/know how to be gentlemen above everything else.May 30, 2011 10:33 pm at 10:33 pm in reply to: "Prayer" for Injured Kallah and all other injured and ill young people #1115225
Thank you very much for the kind words.
I made a serious mistake in the “verse”:
It should be:
My sincere apologies for this blunder.
We should try to feel some of this pain when we Daven for childless women. Let us give a little extra of our emotional self to this cause when we Daven. In the final analysis, through our Tefillos, we can give to this cause even more than the doctors, as per the words of the Chazon Ish ZT”L, that the person who Davens for another’s need accomplishes more (down here in THIS world) for the one in need than the person who physically is Mishtadel to help the same needy individual. Hopefully, in this Zechus, Hashem will give them the same Yeshuah as He gave to Chana.
kako: The people that I know who went through this seismic Nisayon were indeed exceptional people – quite elevated spiritually – not that I would wish for anyone to obtain spiritual refinement through such a Nisayon. I once “met” a Frum couple in the waiting area of a fertility expert (I was waiting there for a different medical need) and I felt that I was way “out of my league”, i.e. that this couple was spiritually miles ahead of me for having gone through such a Nisayon, to the degree that I felt myself almost in the presence of greatness. Chas V’Shalom we should doubt Hashem’s ways, but sometimes I can’t help ask “how is it that couples who are at best mediocre parents have children “1,2,3” (without any effort) – while couples who would make wonderful parents, i.e. who are shining examples of spirituality – have to struggle so much to have children.” I feel that maybe the prayer I wrote helped me express to HKB”H my sense of sadness and frustration that I feel for these couples. I hope that this does not make me Chas V’Shalom a doubter of Hashem’s wonderful Hashgacha Pratis.
Can you please expound on item # 1 that the Gadol told you – how did you internalize this thought into your own life and how do you feel that it led to your Yeshuah? Did you feel that Hashem was with you, helping you withstand and prevail over your suffering and that He did not let you feel alone?
The wonderful song “Besayata Dishmaya” by Yerachmiel Begun has lyrics “when we need Him to help us, He’ll always come through; never will we will be alone, with His help we can stand on our own”. When I hear this song, I think of couples going through this suffering and also of singles needing their Shidduch. I just would like to acquire some of their faith and Bitachon to get through.
Thank you very much for the kind words. Can you please kindly write a few words to describe the pain you went through – I want to be able to feel this pain when I Daven for these couples. I imagine it is so hard when everywhere you went, you were reminded of the fact that others had children while you did not. Despite writing the prayer, I lack the sensitivity to fully understand the anguish; I would like to come to a better understanding. Also, I believe that the public would benefit by hearing what people like you went through.
No but I have a deep admiration for Rav Stein Shlita, may Hashem give him a Refuah Shleima. For him to request Hashem’s aid for Yiddishe Techter while his Niftar son was right in front of him, speaks volumes for his character and keen insight into the pain of Yiddishe Techter.
Your pain was so superlatively recognized by The Gaon HaRav Chaim Stein, Shlita. In addition to his public request (mentioned at the top of this thread), where he asked the Tzibbur to Daven for the Shidduchim of the Yiddishe Techter, the following dramatic event was noted by Rabbi Avrohom Birnbaum. It refers to the very tragic moment of the Levaya of HaRav Stein’s son in Cleveland, where Rav Stein Shlita delivered the Hesped:
chalilavchas: I fully agree wih you – please give us tips on how we can be of help especially for those who are not big time “social-bugs” and don’t know many singles well. Also, I live in a small Jewish community and don’t get to know many singles.
While Hishtadlus is certainly vital and encouraged, we must always bear in mind what (my Rebbe, in the name of the) Chazon Ish, ZT”L said: The person who Davens for another’s need accomplishes more (down here in THIS world) for the one in need than the person who physically is Mishtadel to help the same needy individual.
adorable: I feel for your pain very keenly and I am really at a loss for wise counsel to give you, other than to repeat what Rav Zecharya Gelley Shlita once told me to accept this difficult process as L’Fum Tzara Agrah, (according to your pain in doing a Mitzvah, your reward is accordingly great). Since getting married is a Mitzvah, so the Shidduch process is a Hechsher Mitzva (preparation for a Mitzvah) and therefore the greater your pain, the greater is your reward. Hopefully this perspective this will enable you to see the opportunity that Hashem gives you to come close to Him through your (painful) process, by trying to do the Mitzvah with Simcha – which raises a person to a high level, especially when it is ever so difficult. Remember that Hashem tests those that are beloved to Him.
Don’t let anyone tell you “your Nisayon is not really so hard – look at the much more difficult Nisayonos others go through (e.g. sick children R”L)”. Nonsense. Your Nisayon is truly a test and it is really difficult and Hashem Yisborach, for whatever reason known to Him only (for your eternal reward) wants it to be difficult for you, but at the same time Hashem wants you to accept this Nisayon B’Simcha. Having this attitude will bring you close to Hashem and maybe (I can’t say this with any real authority), this might shorten your test period. I could tell you all the pain I am going through with divorce and not being even able to look for a new Shidduch any time soon since my ex-wife (who I gave a Get to when she wanted it) makes it so hard for me to get my civil divorce, but I don’t suppose my problems are a Nechama to you (if they are – Kol HaKavod!).
May Hashem give you the strength to approach your Nisayon and (Hechsher) Mitzvah process with Simcha and to bring you the ultimate Yeshuah of bringing your true Zivug very soon.
m in Israel:
In no decent system of laws would failure to be suspicious get someone 6 years in jail (and 13 was asked for by prosecutor)- that is what they are charged for. If I think I am doing something legal and I was fooled, my mistake should not land me in jail for 6 years. How can you call this system of “justice” fair? Whether they are being singled out or not, it is still terribly unfair. By your arguement if everyone got jail for jaywalking, it should be fair since they were all treated alike. And let’s not give the judge any credit for leniency; if you go to http://www.japanpidyon.org, you will find that it states “The defence attorneys were dismayed at the callous nature of the judge’s dismissal of the defence arguments”, with many examples backing up this charge. The judge failed to examine many of the exculptaory evidence items and made up a ridiculous charge that the Bochurim’s failure to realize something amiss could have cost many lives, thus justifying 6 years in prison for negligence! Yes – it is a tremendous waste of Hashem gift of breath to laud or defend the Japanese while you should be using that very same time to beg for Rachamei Shomayim on the Bochurim’s behalf. Hayetachen that you should defend the Japanese?
RSRH: No one is condemning the overarching system of justice that Japan claims to have; rather the application of “justice” as pertains to the Bochurim (see the 2 points I made above) is completely arbitrary and capricious and neglects to work with the real facts of the case, and this is what we call out “foul” to and abhor.
Moreover, what really is called to question is: what drives you to defend the Japanese judges and prosecutors who are going out of their way to leverage every ounce of punitive measures they can dredge up against 2 fine people (non-criminals by any stretch of the imagination), when our every morsel of energy should be used to be Noseh B’Ol Im Chaveiro (with the Bochurim) and to feel their pain; and from this realization of pain, to cry out to Hashem on their behalf? Every ounce of energy used to defend the Japanese is robbing yourself of the energy to throw yourself in front of the Kisei HaKavod and beg for the plight of the Bochurim. The Japanese can defend themsleves just fine without your help; Jews need other Jews to defend them against our oppressors.May 15, 2011 9:33 pm at 9:33 pm in reply to: Using "self-composed" prayers for people facing serious tzuros #824335
Truth be told: “I now remember reading that Yated article about Harav Stein Shlita by his sons levaya. He asked his son, not the oilam (though I’m sure he wouldn’t object and would be happy about it), to “beht far di techter”.
What you say is true – this was at the Levaya itself in front of Harav Stein son’s Aron. I am referring to the Hesped approoximately 2 weeks later in Lakewood where , if my memory, serves me correctly, Harav Stein Shlita spoke to the Oilam asking them to be Mispallel for the “techter” and also for childless couples. If someone could check with the Yated to find out if this is true, I would be very grateful.
I appreciate all the kind words from the CR responders. In truth, I starting writing this prayer well before my own marriage blew up, but now that I am alone again so sadly, in an ironic way, I can now say the “prayer” with more Kavannah since I include myself in the ranks of the distressed needy. I not only want to get married again to be Mashlim myself as does everyone of you who are alone, but also to provide a home for my children who now live away from me. I struggle with loneliness and depression every day, so I know how all the others in a similar Matzav feel. May Hashem send all of us a true Yeshuah B’Kurov.
I feel for your pain and hardship – but all I can offer to do is to Daven for you and your happiness. I was told by my Rebbi that the Chazon Ish said that one who Daven’s for someone else’s need, accomplishes more than the physical Hishtadlus one does. HaGaon HaRav Chaim Stein, Shlita, publicly implored people to Daven for Shidduchim of the “Techter” (sisters) who are having trouble finding a Shidduch. I would be very happy to do this for you.
Your screen name is “burnt out” – is that how you feel as a result of your Shidduch efforts? Can you elaborate? – I want to try to put myself in your position and to feel a small degree of your pain and from this mindset, to Daven for you and others in your similar situation. I remember the sadness I felt as young single sitting at a Seder table on Pesach while others my age were with their spouse. I imagine that you are having similar feelings.
May Hashem bless you with the happiness of finding your Bashert in a speedy and pleasant fashion, at a time of much Mazel.