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I also want to mention that I had a friend whose mother was very enforcing as to what kind of boys my friend went out with. She vented to me because though i can’t quot for sure from chofetz chaim, but i did learn in seminary that if s/o wants to unburdent themselves to you, you can listen to them but your mechuyav to also be dan lechaf zechus other person( which is easy in this case…its mother’s love and worry)
However, in my friend’s case i encouraged her to speak to trust worthy adults/Rov and she got practical advice as to how to navigate shidduch process.
she’s much older than you but is B”h just got engaged!!
C.S, my first reaction was a bit of a wonderment…20 yr old panicking already? but truth be told the shidduch system can stress any girl at any age out!!! and it doesn’t help when your mother adds to that tension but being overly worried about you “being single whole life”.
I know girls who got married at 23 with boys who are 23, the girls had to wait for the boy to grow up and start dating lol
I know of girls who got so pressured into getting out of the “single” stage that they married too quickly, without real introspection as to whether they really felt comfortable with the boy or not. some got divorced, while some are unhappy with their marriage and going to counsling ( im not saying that this doesn’t happen to those who get married later or those who arn’t so young) but the factor leading to the above mentioned divorces is the recognition after the wedding, party, balloons, pictures ect that this boy isnt’ really for them, or this boy lacks middos but they overlooked that cuz they JUST NEEDED to get married!!
Chas Veshalom don’t put urself in such a matzav!!
you deserve to feel comfortable with your spouse and not deem him “weird”
The question is when do u say” im not going out with this boy anymore” and when “i’ll give him another chance”…I think im gona go with yoshi and say that mayb give some of boys you date a 2nd date, 2nd chance.
I know myself…I have dated a boy whom i thought was too blunt and strange on first date, only to realize that he was very nervious and on 2nd date it was much better.
Things didn’t work out for other reason…however i was glad i gave it another date to know for sure!
I have a friend who also has “technical issues”, nothing she did or cud do about, nothing that would really reflect on who she is and what great person she is…however
she gets redt boys 10 years older than her!!
thats where i stepped in and tried to see if i can redt her shidduchim…
so my advice to you….FIND A DIFF SHADCHAN! or a family friend who cares and wants to look out for you! don’t be embarressed telling family relatives and friends what ur looking for….they might suggest s/o “normal” and they might present your “situation” to the other side with more optimism and in a more respectabler manner so that others can overlook any technical issues and see you for the great girl that you are and for what u have to bring to the table!
and last, DON’T panick, daven to Hashem because HE KNOWS what He’s doing!! He knows right time and right place and right boy for you…so daven to Him!! and then relax, because you know He’ll take care of you. as long as u do your hishtadlus and be reasonable in your decisions Hashem won’t leave you hanging!!
We shud hear only simchas from everyone!
yeshivahman…thats just wrong on soo many different levels!! ha ha!!November 13, 2009 8:18 pm at 8:18 pm in reply to: What Newspaper / Magazine do You Read / Trust Most? #681636
im an avid Hamodia reader! i read the magazine part cover to cover and the news part i skim to the interesting stories/articles! I like it soo much because it is very organized and easy to find certain sections!
news i pick up on YWN;) and other general Jewish sites…
aussie…I think Hadar or if your willing to consider seminaries in America…BY Intensive has great name and I know of girls from chassidishe backgrounds who went there…
are u kidding? this isn’t gona work at all….for a girl/boy who has been waiting all those years, davening that Hashem should send the right one, hoping everytime that this time will be the one, this boy/girl isnt just gona marry a name out of a lottery! they won’t appreciate the other person, they will only feel compelled to marry them! who wants to be in a marriage where ur forced to marry that person! I know staying single is hard…but being married to someone you don’t like is even harder…so pashute yid, you may “solve” the shidduch crisis with this…but your certainly gona escalate the divorce on!!!
Rabbi Dr. Twersky deals alot with this issue in his books and articles. He emphesizes that to overcome a bully you need to be assertive about the other person’s wrong doing WITHOUT coming across as being over emotional. When the bully sees that his pranks or insults do not ellict the response he/she wants, they move on to next person!
I have worked with young boys before and i have seen this…the good boys who don’t get tormented by the bullies, are those that are assertive and nonchalant…they simply say “whats your problem? go bother someone else” or “I don’t care what you have to say, your words/actions don’t bother me…”
It may take some time and a few unsuccessful attempts from the bully side to get the response he wants, but once bully realizes that he/she won’t get it from that kid, they get bored and move on to a differen victim…
Of course a teacher and principal should be consulted and advised about this but
it is a very important skill to teach a child to stand up for themselves in a non aggressive and assertive way.
haifagirl…unless you really think that some people are gona read “pp” and think “police patrol”…”political principles”… “peer pressure”…or “pretty place”…neither of which would make sense of course other than “people”
Lol…I had a feeling you were going to comment about that…but looks like you knew I was talking about people when i said PP…because thats what people typicaly use as an abreviation!
Litvishe and yeshivishe are synonymous but i think that while litvishe describes more of a background, yeshivishe describes more personality- someone whose involved with his Yeshiva which typically means he’s frum, takes his learning seriously, and is 100% black hatter type…
Chassidishe- real ones belong to a specific chassidishe community that follows the guidance of a specific Rebbe. A chassidishe person will follow the takanos set by his/her Rebbe.
chassidishe boys can be “yeshivish” in sense that again they are frum, take their learning seriously…and identify with their yeshiva.
here’s another term “heimish”- that term means s/t differently to many people:
some consider a person heimish if he/she comes from hungarian descent…some consider heimish a person who merely comes from a chassidishe background but is not necessarily affiliated closely with the chassidishe circle…
some pp consider heimish s/o who takes an interest in chassidishe seforim, minhagim, Rebbes’ tish, and mayb even s/o who speaks yiddish fluently and is part of his e/d lingo…
I dunno what “rule book” ur refering to…if you mean those things that are obvious to e/o but not really written out…then I guess ya, this is one of those things!
there is some truth to the jappy part…however, I know many many girls who went to Bnos Chava who although may wear brand names, but are the sweetest nicest girls you will ever meet!
Ralph Lauren is cheaper and more accessible in some states than others, so when I saw many NYers wearing them, i wondered if that was supposed to be “the style” but later found out that many NYers got them in Marshals for decent prices…while where i come from, Ralph Lauren shirts can be very pricey!
point is…you have to diffrentiate between the ones who wear expensive clothings and ones who have that “superior” attitude that they are better than others( unfort. there are those…)
From my experience, in the beginning of the year, everyone is into how they look BECAUSE you want to make a good impression on pp you just met. However, later in the year, I have actually heard teachers( from diff sems) complain that girls are walking around “shlumpy” lol because at that point, girls are comfortable with their sem and surrounding and dont feel the need to look top notch…
also recommend going on mostlymusic.com and i think they have a list of “hit songs” (though some songs on list may not be “in” right now)
Ben Bag Bag-Shweky
Bye Bye-Shua Kessin
regular mazel tov songs…
typical songs played at weddings
k, I know this may be off topic a bit…but since we’r discussing bus issues, in israel the bus situation is crazy!! i don’t know if you ever noticed, but the pushing that goes on in Guela to get on the last few buses is incredible!!
I mean forget shomer negia…I have seen grown adults push eachother…men pushing ladies…bochurim pushing girls to squeeze in…never understood why there hasn’t been some kind of a protest against that!
I remember in sem, during the first few weeks, some girls back late after curfew and explained to the aim bait that they couldn’t get on the buses back because of everyone pushing…especially the men/boys,
the aim bait said they need to learn to be israeli and push! i think thats funny but sad as well that this is what needs to be done to get on a bus!
and no, you can’t take a taxi everyday…its very pricy since the taxi drivers try at times to rip americans off( but thats for a different thread…)
They cant pay taxes if they barely get paid…
Uh? what is this whole debate about? this is a forum where pp are stam schmoozing after long day of work ( or during work)…I don’t think anyone has patience to proofread their sentences…PP just wana get their message across! just like u won’t make pp proofread their text messages…no reason why pp here should be super careful about commas, punctuations…we have enuf of that in college;)
I wish there was a clear cut outline to lay out exactly what every seminar is like…but i want you to know that same type of girls can apply to BJJ Bnos Chava, BYA and BNos Sara and then when acceptance letters arrive, girls decide where they want to go…so the group dynamics which you are asking about will change every singel year in every seminary…thats why you hear that some years this seminary had a fantastic year while another seminary, girls didn’t like it that much…
but you can never really know what type it will be that year until you go there…
however u were asking about BJJ and Bnos Sara…I heard Bnos Sara is warmer…thats from my friend’s experience.
and just like with everything in life…it pays to daven to Hashem that He directs you to right seminary cuz this is one of things in life where you need mazel as well!!
Just remember that its hard to get into some seminaries!! especially BJJ! so apply to a few places your comfortable with and let Hashem do the selection for you!
ronrsr…i was laughing at ur first two comments! the third one has a point- they now even make chrismachanuka, a holiday that incorporates both holidays to help accomodate those assimilated families!
jphone…check it out on mostlymusic.com
i heard about that…well not sure about 150,000 but definitely s/thing about a girl side being responsible for purchasing the apartment…
someone close to me was urged to go to a mekubal who in truth was more of a talmid of a mekubal, who told her not to go forth with a certain situation in her life.
she was devestated to hear that and later this mekubal called back that he “recalculated” and its okay and everything will be good and great…
now those hours/days in between the two conversation was very hard for her, she was depressed about the original answer she got and when she received the update about how everything will be okay and that she should go forth with a certain decision, she still
couldn’t get over the original “advice” she received…
point…kabala is not a determing factor in making life decisions and Rabbi Yisroel Belsky said its mamehs against “tamim te’hye im Hashem Elokecha”!!
its like going to fortune teller and making life decisions based on what you hear from pp who may be familiar with kabbla,may have even learnt it for a long time, but in no way are at status to render life decisions and provide advice that people to literally to heart…
at times this “advice” might not even be accurate at all and very misleading..at times devestating!
I have friends who went to Bnos Chava…the place is big, academic some pp say bit jappy( jewish american princess)type..like high maintance NY type BUT i know tonz of girls who went there who are not that type at all and loved it! they have phenomenal teachers! food there bit of a problem…lol dorm is nice
BYA- has great balance of school work and H.W…girls who went there liked it very much
yes…bit higher level of HS BUT they have inspiring speakers come all the time and have great shabbatons and teachers like class discussions!some parts of year have more H.W than others but work is manageable and there’s plenty of time to breathe and relax…food and dorm is nice. Lots of girls from NY but also lots of out of towners as well!!
BJJ- very academic…lots of H.W, teachers tend to be older there( BYA has mixture of older and younger teachers) but i heard classes were great!! variety of girls from all backgrounds go there! but in general the more academic or bright kind…
dorm is big and nice near geula…one of the olderst sems around so they have that charm to it but again prepare to have lots of reports and H.W
(hebrew is holier thats lashon kadosh!!!)
thats not true…
hebrew is the israeli language that has many madeup words in it such as “Glida” and “Mitriya”…that have no source in Torah
Lashon Kodesh is Hashem’s holiest language…thats the language of the Torah…where
every word has a root, meaning and isn’t just man made…
not to cause confusion…the question was posted by a mutual friend smarty12
I would like to update everyone:
I am very much aware that every situation is unique and requires daas torah:
B”H the person in question asked daas torah and with help of a Rav was able to show the parents how sincere and eager The boy and girl were about the shidduch! B”H they are engaged!!!
I can say that it was only after consulting daas torah that things set in motion because B”H the parents were eirlich enough to listen to daas torah and not make
excuses why it doesn’t apply to them or why s/o else has no right to tell them what to do ect ( which happens in some cases).
Thanks for all the advice and comments…with them I was able to help this friend organize thoughts and feelings in way that was presentable to parents!
You are also allowed to shop if you will wear the piece of clothing on yom tov…so if u find a nice outfit to wear for simchas torah…then its allowed!
okay so now that your recognize ur short comings…there’r 3 basic steps ( each of which need introspection)
1. Charata-Regret…u need to really think about how your sins/shortcomings and regret how they either had negative influence on you or at least prevented you from Growth and how they must of upset Hashem, who loves you dearly and holds you to such high regard and who wants to see you live up to your potential and not hold yourself back from it.
2. Azivas Chait-literally “leaving sin”-u must stop try your best to stop doing these sins…show Hashem your trying your best to fight Yetzer Hara…it makes no difference if u’ll succeed or not…its the trying the counts…Hashem looks at the conscious effort and toil u put into stopping the negative activities….the rest leave up to Him..He will help u overcome them.
3. Kabala La’atid- you have to consciously decide that you do not want to repeat these sins( this is regardless of whether u’ll do them again) but u must want not to do them in the future…Hashem can see thru your heart and can tell if your sincere about it. YOu can daven to Hashem to help u not repeat these sins by telling Hashem that your human being and need heavenly assistance to repel the Yetzer Hara( evil inclination). G-d doesn’t expect u to turn into an angel overnight…working on onself can take a lifetime…but as long as your sincere about every teshuva then Hashem gradually leads u to successful repentance and growth.
I would totally recommend Chochmas Lev! I have a good friend who went there and loved it! they had a long day of classes but very minimal H.W and testing! very hashkafa based and great girls, from all backgrounds go there! not as BYish as BJJ, BYA ect..
Seminar may be similar with fantastic teachers but there is work…h.w. tests ect. However the day is shorter and while some parents might be thrilled with a long day of classes to keep daughter away from “hanging out”, I can tell you that some girls get burnt out from whole day of classes and need more breaks! if a girl gets burnt out from classes that whole point of sem is counterproductive!
Shoshanim is a more out of town seminary…however as far as I recall my friends who attended did have alot of work to do outside of class…well guess long story short is that most seminaries today compete with eachother for the “TOP” name and they do that by increasing accademic levels!
but I think chochmas lev has a great balance and doesn’t increase workload like other sems do!
Belev Echad…one word: OUCH!!!!!!
everybody remember…its supposed to be a humor thread!! especially today on purim!!
here’s another one:
boy takes girl to 7 eleven after a date and wants to buy her a slurpee…indian cashier guy( told in advance to do this…) announced on loud speaker “All couples get free slurpees tonight!!” so guy turns to the girl by the slurpee machine and says “so…what do u say??wana get married.. we’ll get free slurpees!!”
Belev Echad…that story is hard to believe…u sure its true?? lol
This one is also really easy and is a change from all cutlet recipes:
Sweet and Sour Meatballs:
1 lb ground beef
1/4 to 1/2 cup flour or cornflakes crumbs
1 bottle gingerale
1 bottle ketchup
1/2 cup brown sugar ( or regular)
( you can cut down on sugar if gingerale is sweet enough for you but the brown sugar does add a certain flavor)
1/2 cup lemon juice or vinegar( optional)
bring to boil all sauce ingredients in a large pot and then mix the beef, egg and flour and form small balls and drop them into the pot and let cook for an hour.
SIMPLE AS THAT!! and they are delicious!!!
Thanks to those who posted dough recipes…however im STILL waiting for a good chocolate filling recipe!! and don’t say chocolate chips cuz its not the same as a good chocolate filling!! Ames…I totally agree..whats the story with the jelly? as far as i remember, every place i went to on Purim, people were snatching the chocolate ones and the fruit ones were just left pilling up in the back!! so chocolholics…start sending recipes!!
notpashut…you gave me a good laugh!!
Does somebody have a good recipe for chocolate filling i can put in the hamentashen?? every year i check out all these cook books but they only have recipes for these fancy fruit fillings that my family would never touch! so if you have a good chocolate hamentaschen…i would really appreciate it!!
I think its for all of these reason, that people appreciate more suggestions made by friends and family as opposed to shadchanim! Friends know each other and want the best for their friends and won’t push them into s/thing they don’t want because “statistically” their age renders them undate-able or too picky!!
So friends…family…get up and you earnestly start suggesting and redting shidduchim cuz you know them best!!!
Everyone needs to seriously relax!! world has never had a place safe for Jewish people! we depend on Hashem for everything and that includes safety and protection. So I am not convinced running to Eretz Israel is the solution- it has its dangers as well, especially since its surrounded by its enemies who are waiting for the right moment to strike!
We need to have bitachun in Hashem and not run off anywhere without serious evaluation and YES…asking your Rov for the correct guidance!
I am only asking this question because I really want to understand: why is it inappropriate to compliment eachother once engaged? I am asking in response to some comments that said that its okay to compliment on a date but not once engaged? why is is okay on a date and not once engaged? if once you decided that the significant other will I”H be your spouse, why can’t you compliment them?