Forum Replies Created
SJS – you’re right. a woman is an eizer kinegdo; so when the man is doing something wrong, sometimes there should be “shalom bayis” problems. worst advice i’ve heard was when one spouse was told to have nothing to do with his family in order to save the shalom bayis in his home. (the family was not abusive or intrusive – the wife just couldn’t stand her in-laws).
following the halacha cannot cause shalom bayis problems. i would imagine that in most cases people following mrose’s advice would actually cause a shalom bayis problem. don’t add on to the torah. if a person is on that level of kedusha, i am sure they would not be on the internet, even in the CR.
nice, good shalom bayis is boring in print; it’s the problems that are more interesting to write about. 🙂
smartcookie: i think you’ve eloquently described the biggest problem in shalom bayis today.
also, anyone read sara yocheved rigler’s book and her experience with rats in the house?
i heard that eretz yisroel was filled with mice; so they brought in cats. now eretz yisroel is filled with cats…
hmm… anyone ever read the book, “the king, the mouse, and the cheese?”
just when he’s older – be careful of the gifts you give – toys that use imagination and build skills are usually a plus; but not all books and games may be accepted by your brother and his wife.
that’s great that you really want to maintain the relationship, and care about their wishes. if the whole world would be such a mentch, lot less problems in this world.
the educational trust fund is a fantastic idea; and when the kid is older – taking him/her out to the park may be much appreciated – especially before pesach. 🙂
want to be my kids’ uncle?
people should work on themselves before marriage. try to be as healthy (emotionally) as can. look for a healthy spouse – not one that you will cure. and remember (though it’s hard to always do so) that we get married to give, not to take.
(but certainly not to take abuse) 🙂
smart cookie – thanks. me too.
i really like the things people are saying. sm and shrek thanks for the good advice.
the more i hear, the more i can internalize, and it reminds me each day to work on myself.
anyone, have some good tips that they learned or works for them that helps shalom bayis?
it’s so much easier to write about what can go wrong in a marriage.:)
husbands should show and feel appreciation for their wives for what they do and wives should show and feel respect towards their husbands.
actually, i was wondering what the CR will be like when mashiach comes. Will chat rooms be Va’ad mussar rooms?
eclipse – good for you. but i wasn’t criticizing you – i was criticizing them. how could they have such a lack of tznius and ask you that?!?
smart cookie – i second the motion.
But stop only blaming the women! it shouldn’t be that after having 5 or 6 kids, the husband expects the wife to look like she did when she was just married. That’s sick! There is something wrong with the husbands if that is the case – usually, it’s that they’ve seen things they shouldn’t have seen. they have the problem; not the women! (though we have the responsibility of not putting an obstacle in their path – so women should dress, walk and talk modestly!)
i haven’t read every post, so forgive me if i say something that someone else has said. But i don’t think it’s just the way women dress; it’s even more that men and women talk to each other without the barriers people used to have. Eclipse, you mentioned once how some men spoke to you about getting their wives to be more positive. THAT is so un-tznius on the men’s part. Couples need to be tznius and not joke around or talk personally to a married person of different gender!
i don’t know how old you are, but if you have married friends, call them! i know very few people who were completely redt by pure shadchanim. sometimes, a friend would think of the idea and have a shadchan redt it. hishtadlus, doesn’t necessarily mean going to shadchanim – just tell EVERYONE what you’re looking for, so when they bump into the guy, they’ll immediately think of you. good luck!
cshapiro: i know that the system isn’t perfect, but it really can work. anyways, it’s better than the alternatives. in secular world, can meet at bars and don’t know a thing about them. in MO boys and girls can be friends for years and not even think of marriage cuz all know each other for too long. or basically they can do what we do – someone who knows both of them and thinks it’s a good idea and then sets them up. if you used to be different, sometimes, people don’t realize that you’ve changed. so, tell everyone – your friends, relatives, teachers, etc. what you’re looking for and daven, daven, daven! maybe, the guy himself has to change, but he hasn’t changed yet 🙂 good luck! Hashem could make the sea split; He definitely can have the right person find you. (also, there are shadchanim that deal with YU guys – maybe, call them.)
cshapiro: true, they all say wonderful things, until learn how to really ask. i’m talking from experience. after many years of being single, i learned to call at least 5 different people and ask very specific questions, listen for hesitancy, follow up with “what do you mean?” and more questions. also, do your parents know exactly what you are looking for, not just in general, but what you really deeply want? if you’re the oldest, your parents may not have much experience asking questions – talk to others who can also help you. most honest are usually the boys’ rebbes, if they understand clearly who you are and what you want. be specific and clear. same words can mean different things to different people. sorry, if i’m coming on strong, it’s just that it took me years to get this right. (after getting married, i helped some people do it right, and they married the first person they went out with). good luck 🙂
if you’re shidduch dating, then do it correctly. know your haskafos and research the guy’s hashkafos very, very well!
it is sad that these kids are being exposed to things that their community and family would not want them exposed to. but definitely not everyone does it. i agree with mytake about talking to your child and davening! different people have different taavos. it may, however, not be wrong for everyone (though finding purely clean stuff nowadays is very difficult), but it is a matter of who you are, who your community is, and what level of kedusha you choose to have in your home. one’s kid learning shapes from an innocent show may have nothing wrong, but you are exposing them to watching things on the TV and/or computer, but it all depends on where you live – hard to raise children to be frummer than their neighbors and friends.
why is it a chillul Hashem? i’m not saying it is or isn’t, just trying to understand why it would be – if the gov’t has a program to help people who are not earning a certain amount of money? (And the kollel guy is not lying about any info. in order to receive the stamps!) Would it also be wrong if a genius used food stamps while studying intensively to discover a cure that would save hundreds of lives? If you say that food stamps should not be used in such a case and it’s better that the guy get a job as an accountant, then fine. But if not, doesn’t the world exist because of limud Torah, so in fact the guy in kollel is saving our life. on the other hand, long-term Kollel for most people is not practical nor advisable, but taking food stamps while one is learning, why isn’t that okay?
mytake, i liked your explanation, and will try top do it.
dan: interesting, what you said was similar to mytake, except mytake used talking to oneself and you used visual technique; i’ll try the 2 together, im yirtza Hashem.
lomed: first of all, most people would consider me pretty calm. i know that i have work to do, but generally in places where it’s considered “normal”. i agree just reading mesilas yesharim won’t help much which is why i asked my question and got various answers. although therapy may or may not help, it would definitely be extremely costly and time-consuming to work out all of one’s middos in therapy. though, what you said about thinking beforehand of what might upset me and imagining how i can handle it, seems like a good idea also.
wow! you’ve all got great ideas. i agree with you, mytake, that different things will work with different people, though i think a lot of these ideas are great (except for the therapist idea – i don’t have a major problem, just trying to improve my middos – trying to get on to the perfect person thread :).
i really liked what all of you said – keeping a journal, doing 1 day or certain time, picturing someone else (gadol) etc.
Halevi, what you wrote seems really cool – though i think i really have to think about that to see how to use it.
mytake, i think that’s my problem – i know intellectually that things are not really someone else’s fault, but what Hashem has planned for me; but i find it hard to truly feel that emotionally and not get upset. How did you connect the brains to the heart?
Thanks everyone – you’ve really got great ideas.
dunno, i just read your message, after i typed my previous message. i’ve had some things evolve over time, like tznius, but how did you utilize focusing on your goal to help with other kinds of middos?
i also think that gila manolson’s book is great.
how have you used mesilas yesharim, orchos tzadikkim to actually improve yourself? does anyone have a technique, book, or method that they have actually used that has helped them improve? (i guess the middos i’m more thinking about is anger, savlanus, but even all middos). thanks.
i once spoke to someone who worked with OTD girls. she’s met many, many OTD girls and she said that for a girl to go off, she usually had to have been hurt pretty badly, either, physically, emotionally, or other. it was only a few years ago when i had this discussion, but things change all the time and don’t know if the situation is still the same. she thought that ta’avah was involved with boys, but didn’t find that to be the case with girls. (she was not an expert on the boys, just the girls, so don’t know if true or not). obviously, everyone has bechirah, but adults also have tremendous responsibility and need to realize it.
seems like this thread has s.a.d. just think about pesach cleaning – that will cheer you guys up.
always here: did you ever hear of the book “healing back pain” by John Sarno? maybe it can help. refua shelaima.
people don’t communicate personally anymore, but only in virtual reality? 🙂
i know this is not a teenage word, but everyone uses it on the computer nowadays, hate to sound so ancient, but what does lol stand for? lots of lice? loads of laundry? lots of laughs? licking orange lollipops?
well that’s better than those who remove the stickers and switch them all around. try doing the rubik’s cube when 1/2 of it is black. of course if it was all black… 😉January 31, 2011 2:21 pm at 2:21 pm in reply to: Of your Shidduch related decisions what would you change if you could #735773
eclipse: i’m so sorry that you had to go through what you went through.
my advice for people who are asked shidduch questions: please, please answer honestly. if the boy or girl has a problem, don’t think that marriage will solve the problem. just think, if you hide this information and the 2 get married, will you be feeling guilty for the rest of your life? obviously, ask shailos! but ask!!!! and if you should tell, please tell!!!!!!January 31, 2011 2:16 pm at 2:16 pm in reply to: Of your Shidduch related decisions what would you change if you could #735772
i would do what i did after many years of dating the wrong type. clarify in thought and in words what was very important to me; tell everyone, even those who would think i was too picky, too unrealistic; and look into the other side very well (asking questions, and following up with questions when i heard hesistancy in people’s voices), and trusting myself when i felt the answer was no!
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, “Please help yourself.” the other one said, “Okay,” and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, “Really, now, if you had offered me first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!” The other one replied, “what are you complaining for; you have it, don’t you?”
A student one day met his absent-minded professor in the hall. He asked his professor, “Have you had lunch yet?” The professor thought for a moment and said, “Tell me, in which direction was I walking when you stopped me?”
the best part was doing it before the books all came out. A group of us friends would work together, and would solve part of it. Step by step, we figured out how to do the whole thing. The books are probably an easier method to solve them, but i can’t solve it any other way now. we went away for pesach 1982 and someone thought i was a genius for knowing how to do the rebuk’s cube. that was the first and last time i remember that anyone ever thought i was a genius. 😉
it is amazing. i heard him tell it about 12 years ago. i can’t even think of the best part because he tells the whole story so well. the amazing thing is that the keleman’s really know how to work on their middos, and he uses this story to show emunah.
i know many, many people who got married later or are not married yet, whose parents looked for what they wanted and not what the child wanted. and, yes, the guy’s personality may be important. best thing is to think of what kind of people you’re generally attracted to (as friends also) and tell your parents that for now you’d like to look for such-and-such. then, if after 6 months or a year, can re-evaluate and expand options. good luck!
Ever read the Ordinary princess? princess is totally ordinary – book makes fun of the typical princess story. very cute and sweet. (but she does marry the prince and live happily ever after:))
ItcheSrulik: :). I was afraid nobody would get it.
I’ve just started posting, though I’ve been visiting the cr off and on for about 8 months.
the answer is 42.
It depends where the boy and girl are coming from, meaning how much of American society they were exposed to, and how much they want to feel towards each other before getting engaged. If both sides look into each other very well, and both sides really know who they are and what they want, the boy and girl can know that they’re ready to get engaged after only a few dates. if they actually want to feel something emotionally towards the other person, they have to date longer (but not everyone was brought up in a society where that is necessary). (“chemistry” can be felt on the first date; that they like the person; are not un-attracted to the person; and that they would like to spend time with the person)January 27, 2011 8:02 am at 8:02 am in reply to: Is it unTznius for a girl to ride a bike, razor, ATV? #817174
It completely depends on what is acceptable in that community. Generally among charedi in Eretz Yisroel, girls don’t ride bikes after the age of 9.
Also, if you’re looking into being a PA, check if each state hires them, if you’re ever thinking of leaving New York. I know Eretz Yisroel, there are no PA’s, but there are many American men and women doctors.
I like yeshivaguy1’s idea – discussing some of the articles from Hamodia, Mishpacha, yated ne’eman, etc.
Sorry – don’t send. I sent it twice by accident and I don’t know how to delete it