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from Long Island – excellent advice. I would just like to make one correction: I’m not sure if it’s fair to make such a generalization about shadchanim from strictly Yeshivish communities. I think it’s not that they can’t see out of the box, but simply that they are dealing with a particular type of boy/girl. Every shadchan has a certain niche that they deal with.
LB -almost everyone crosses on red lights in the US if there are no cars. Most people even cross in the middle of the street where there aren’t even traffic lights.
Personally, I am makpid for several reasons. 1. Safety 2. chinuch reasons if any kids see me 3. Kiddush Hashem
But I think most people are not makpid if there are no cars coming. Why does that shock you?
Unlike M&M’s, they are pareve. At least most of the time, if not all the time. I don’t know if they make them milchiks, but if they do, I probably wouldn’t call them “chocolate lentils”; I would probably call them “Cholov Yisrael M&M’s” or “Cholov Yisrael Reese’s Pieces”.
Speaking of which, can anyone explain to me why no one has yet invented Cholov Yisrael Peanut Butter Cups? Someone I know made them once, and they tasted as good as the real stuff, so there’s no excuse.
If someone were to do that, there would probably be a tremendous market for it, and I would probably start keeping Cholov Yisrael since there would no longer be a reason not to.
I look at all the threads above the last one that has my name listed as the last poster. But I sometimes skip the ones that have boring-looking titles, although I might go back to them if I’m bored after I go through the others.
I will usually go first to the ones that I remember commenting in to see if there were any responses.
Interesting – iron deficiency does not seem to be the cause in my case. Aren’t there people who just have dry skin by nature?
The dry eyes concern me a bit. Most of the time, it’s not such a problem, but I had one short tekufa where I was seriously afraid my eyes would stick, c”v.
Do you know what the cause of dry eyes is? Is it connected to dry skin?
I’m just asking since you seem knowledgeable on the topic.
Joseph & BMYer – shkoyach for being melamed zchus on Am Yisrael, especially the tzadikim who are mechanech their talmidim to collect tzedaka – which is in fact a tremendous Mitzvah, for which one attains tremendous schar.
The GRA’s wife and her friend made a deal that whichever one was nifter first would come back in a dream and tell the other one what Olam Haba was like. After one was nifter, she came back to the other in a dream as promised. She told her that she can’t describe Olam HaEmes to her, but she can tell her one thing: The two of them used to collect tzedaka together and one day when they were out, one of them saw a certain rich man and pointed him out to the other.
They both went over and collected the money from him. However, since she (the nifteres) had been the one to point him out to her friend, there was no comparison between her olam haba and her friend’s olama Haba. The schar for the simple act of lifting her hand to point out the rich man was so great that it made he
<<ZAP>>
WTP – interesting idea, but it might make it hard to keep certain Mitzvos like eating 3 seudos on Shabbos, bentching, making brachos, davening, greeting people, being friendly and nice to others, etc…
Also if you attached the tape in such a manner as to close your lips, I would think you’d be in more danger of inadvertantly ripping off lipskin with the tape anytime you breathe or move your lips at all.
Mammele – thanks for the tips. I actually drink tons of water, but I have always had dry lips and hands and eyes and hair. I think it’s just my nature – I don’t think it’s connected to how much I drink.
And the last time I had a blood test, my iron levels were fine. Is there a connection between iron and dry skin?
He might not have realized that Hebrews are Jews. I know a giyores who told me that when she learned about the Children of Israel in the Bible she always felt that she wanted to meet them, but she thought they had died out or been dispersed and didn’t exist anymore.
She was amazed when she came to Israel, and discovered that the Jews are the Children of Israel and they still exist.
JA – I am SO, SO, happy to hear that you have made friends! That is so important – who cares what grade they are in? Better to have friends in another grade than not to have friends at all. As Chazal say, “oh chevrusa oh mitusa”. I hope I quoted that right – if not one of the men can correct me. Basically, I think it means that without a friend, one has no life. Having friends is one of the most important things in life – maybe the most besides for Torah & Mitzvos.
I agree with Winnie the Pooh, iacisrmma, the Wolf, and RebShidduch.
WTP – great post!
JA – reread WTP’s post and take it to heart. It’s very good advice.
Hatzlacha!! I’m glad to hear that things (or at least some things) are looking up for you. Hope it continues! Please keep us updated.
I figured out who this perfect boy is!!!
He must be Joseph’s son! That’s why it’s the first time that he has a “talmid” in the Parsha, and that’s why he only has one, and that’s why he’s responsible for his shidduchim even though he seems unsure how to go about it, and most importantly, that’s why he thinks he’s perfect!!!!!
You’re such a good father that you consider your son to be perfect!
Winnie The Pooh – I have heard of that issue (mainly in books, I think), and it may be a real halachic issue discussed by the Poskim, but l’maaseh, I don’t think I have ever met anyone who was makpid not to bring dolls into their house.
It seems that there are probably opinions that it’s okay, and most people hold by those opinions. I think the svara to permit it is that the dolls don’t look like people.
Avrum & Iacisrmma – thanks for answering the question. I never knew about this issue before, and it sounds like something that affects all men who are makpid on jackets, so I was wondering what most people do. Thanks for answering.
Avrum – what do you see most people in your shul doing? What did most of the other guys do when you were in Yeshiva?
Iacisrmma and Avrum: Thanks so much for your answers and explanations.
What I mainly wanted to know was: Do most “Yeshivish” men (the types who are very makpid on levush in general – always wear a hat and jacket, etc.) usually keep their jackets over their Tefillin? According to what Avrum wrote, it sounds like it’s almost impossible to do so halachically, and yet Daas Yochid quoted the Kaf HaChaim that one is supposed to do so.
So I was wondering what most “Yeshivish” men do? I guess I mean Lakewood types and Chareidim in EY and Yeshiva Bochurim in both countries.
“You could probably even sell it as shabbos lip tape and make some money.”
Now that sounds like a great idea!!! I could make all different colored tapes and start a whole new style.
I haven’t read through this thread, so I don’t know if it’s been mentioned yet, but who amongst us has not learned at some point that mishloach manos must contain foods which have 2 different brachos??
There is no truth to that. The Mishna Berurah states very clearly that the mishloach manos must contain two different types of food (and not two brachos) He even gives the example of two types of meat (which would obviously have the same beracha).
“If it were really Assur, I have a hard time believing that this, alone among all of Hilchos Lashon Hara, would have slipped the attention of the CC.”
Catch Yourself – +1. I was debating if I should point that out on another thread or not. Glad you did.
Geordie – that’s what I was assuming as well, although I didn’t remember when it happened.
The idea of a doll that is called “American Girl Doll” sounds very goyish to me.
Thanks so much Lightbrite! I’ll have to see how I can get ahold of it.
This issue has been bothering me for a long time, and I have been having trouble figuring out what I can do about it other than putting scotch tape on my lips before Shabbos.
Thanks!
IF you REALLY WANT to, you can give boys very clear messages by ignoring them.
But this can only work if you are really clear on what you want. The problem here is that you are saying one thing but giving over a different message through your actions, body language, etc.
You will not be able to get rid of him until you have convinced yourself that it’s what you want to do.
That is why you need a therapist ASAP to help you to figure out how you feel about things.
Meanwhile, at least stop giving him rides and stop talking to him.
Maybe you should consider switching to an all girls’ college.
Thanks for explaining, RY. I had missed the word “boy” in American Girl doll. I think that was what confused me.
Wolf – I think my last post was not yet posted when you wrote yours. Please make sure to read it. It is very important. It is going to be very difficult, if not impossible, for anyone here to discuss this with you properly (especially since we don’t know what we’re talking about).
This is something that is clearly bothering you, and you need to discuss it with a live person who can help you to put things in perspective. But choose that person with care. Make sure he is a wise, sensitive, understanding, intuitive person. There are some learned people who are overly cerebral or not good listeners and don’t have the necessary qualities for these types of discussions.
Wolf, it really sounds like this is something that you should discuss with a Rav. It is true that you can’t disagree with the Chofetz Chaim, but it is also true that if something the Chofetz Chaim says makes you feel bad about yourself, you must be understanding it or applying it incorrectly.
The Chofetz Chaim was the Gaon of Shmiras Halashon and Ahavas Yisrael, and he would never have said anything that was meant to make Wolf feel bad about himself.
The moderators decided to announce it when one of the posters was offended because she mistakenly thought that RY said something inappropriate to her (which wouldn’t have been inappropriate in any case, but since she’s a girl, it certainly wasn’t).
What about Reb Shidduch? She’s looking for a learning boy. And if you make the shidduch, you can get the shidduch gelt.
I don’t know if you are of below average intelligence and learning or not (I tend to think not), but even if you are way above average, you are still nowhere near the Chofetz Chaim and can not disagree with the Chofetz Chaim. I do not think there is anyone in this generation who can disagree with the Chofetz Chaim. I don’t think the Gedolei Hador would disagree with him.
If you are finding something he wrote hard to accept, I would take Lakewood Maidel’s advice and discuss it with a Rav, since as she wrote so wisely, it might not mean what it sounds like, or he may be able to explain it in a way that is easier to accept.
If you are still having trouble accepting it, then:
Realize that the Chofetz Chaim is way greater than you are and the fact that you can’t understand something does not take away from its truth. If we were capable of judging and determining which teachings of the Chofetz Chaim are true, then we wouldn’t need the Chofetz Chaim. What makes the Chofetz Chaim the Chofetz Chaim is the fact that he is way above us.
When I find that there is some idea that I have a hard time accepting, I just tell myself that it must be emes because it is from _____, but maybe it is something that I can’t really relate to at this stage in my life, so I try not to think about it too much (assuming it’s not something that I have an obligation to put into practice). If it’s not something that you have to deal with, why think about it when there are so many other aspects of Torah?
Accept your limitations and move on.
There’s a lot of prejudice against singles in this world.
In this case, though, it could be that there is a good reason for the policy. But it is still annoying and frustrating for you.
I think you need guidance but you are getting it from the wrong people. You need a therapist and a mentor ASAP, and until you do something about that, nothing is going to help (as can be seen by the turn this thread has taken).
You also need a new group of friends. Weren’t you attending a shiur in Lakewood? What happened with that?
Maybe you need a new shiur. Or a new college. You are definitely hanging out with the wrong crowd.
When you said “besides for Barbies” which category were you putting Barbies in? Because I would say that if there’s one doll that Yeshivish girls don’t play with, it’s Barbie.
They are accepting it and they are not arresting anyone or threatening to arrest them. That puts it in the category of a law that is not enforced. That is why I was told that it is muttar to cross on red lights in the US – even though it’s illegal, it’s not enforced. (Note: that was years ago, so I don’t know if it’s still true).
Not that I know of. That wasn’t my point. My point was that there are laws that are technically on the books but no one cares about. Or perhaps more accurately, they only care about them in certain circumstances. For example, in this case, they don’t care about it on Purim. And they make that clear when they put out warnings and guidelines that don’t say that you are not allowed to drink, but instead tell you how to drink.
And what about every Shabbos for that matter? Don’t many Frum families serve wine to their kids on Shabbos?
Ok, so I just googled “random laws in the USA”.
Here is a sample (from various places in the USA):
1. Chickens are not allowed to cross the road.
3. It is illegal to sing off-key.
4. It is illegal to sell a toothbrush and toothpaste to the same customer on a Sunday.
5.Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down.
6. It is illegal to eat fried chicken any way other than eating it with your hands.
7. It is illegal for a woman to drive a car down Main Street unless her husband walks in front of the car waving a red flag.
No one meaning no normal person. When I was a kid, we had this book called “Kids America”. It was a huge book with lots of random, interesting things in it. I only remember two things from the book. One was the song: “I’m my own Grampa” and the other was a list of weird laws from different states.
I don’t remember all of them, but I remember that in one state (possibly Florida) you’re not allowed to take a shower with no clothes on. And in one state, you are not allowed to walk a certain pet without a leash. I think it was either a crocodile or a duck, but I’m not sure (it was definitely not a dog). Okay, so most people probably follow that one, but I imagine that most people in Florida do not follow the first law.
And there were lots of others, but I don’t remember them anymore.
Meno – shkoyach! You answered the other question that was bothering me – why was Reb Yidd with a guy in the first place?
I am not a baki in the halachos of dina d’malchusa dina, but I am under the impression that if the government is not makpid, it’s not a problem.
If it were, we would all be in trouble, because there are a lot of strange laws on the books that no one follows.
In Lakewood, the law enforcement is well aware that boys under 21 drink on Purim and they do not tell them not to – they just tell them how to drink responsibly. I am sure that the same thing is true in any community with a large Jewish community.
I have never heard of anyone getting arrested on Purim for drinking or giving drinks to minors.
Note: I am not giving an opinion about whether or not one should drink/get drunk as per halacha and/or safety issues, since I don’t know enough to have an opinon in those areas. I am only commenting on the dina d’malchusa dina which I am pretty sure is not an issue.
I don’t think I have ever heard of any Posek who said that it’s assur to drink on Purim for that reason. The issues are: 1. What is the halacha of drinking on Purim? & 2. Is it dangerous?
btw, I don’t know how most girls feel, but personally I am always hesitant about dating a boy who does chessed round-the-clock.
And having a life full of activities, hobbies and volunteer work would probably entail the same problem (although I don’t believe that anyone has ever redt a boy with that description to me).
Which is that I am not really interested in a husband who is never home and never available for his family.
One clue that you are kidding is that it not possible for a 23 year old boy to already be a Talmid Chacham and yet have a life full of activities, hobbies and volunteer work. I’m not sure if that is possible for anyone, but certainly not at the age of 23.
probably. Around these parts, it can be really hard to know sometimes when people are kidding or not.
Maybe let your friends and aquaintances know that you are available. I’m sure you will get lots of calls. And then more people will hear about you and call you.
Do you know or know of any elderly people in your neighborhood? I’m sure they can use this service. Does anyone you know have elderly relatives or acquaintances?
Maybe you should post/check postings on some of the Frum email lists.
What do most men do? (never having been on that side of the Mechitza).
Are you serious or joking?
FuturePotus – Shkoyach!!!! That was very well-said. Glad you decided to post despite the closed thread!
Mammele – + 1 googol. Spoken like a true Yiddeshe Mammele!
Thanks for explaining that so well, Lightbrite.
Future Potus: My answer to Reb Shidduch was to a large extent tailor-made to RebShidduch based on what I know about her from other threads.
Therefore, it might not necessarily apply to everyone. BUT at the same time, as a general rule, people do have to consider how they come across and the message they project with their clothing and styles, etc. Often girls are not aware of the image they project and it may not be the image they wish to project.
To some extent, that is what dressing tzniusly is about. What message are you projecting? That can be what makes something untznius. And girls are often unaware.
How is he your talmid? I always thought you work.
And is this whole thing a joke? The perfect boy would not need someone posting about him.
Then don’t tell him/her that you got a call about him/her. They might start asking you what you said, and it could be very awkward. Even if you think you can avoid letting on that you said something negative, there’s a very good chance that they might figure it out or at least suspect something. (have you ever read “Diamond Dust” by Reva Pomerantz?)
Or they may find out that the guy heard xyz about them and put two and two together and figure out it was you.
It actually happened to me at least once that someone told me that he told the guy negative things about me. And it wasn’t even the reference – it was the shadchan!
“lilmod, I think I was convinced into starting to date him and his friends.”
What does this sentence mean? How can you date him AND his friends? Don’t you usually date one guy at a time? And who convinced you? And what do you mean that you think you were convinced?
Have you started dating him yet?
If not, don’t start. And if yes, STOP ASAP!
And the issue here is not about marrying/not marrying a learning boy. Marrying a boy who is not learning is not the end of the world. Going out with this boy IS!!!
He is BAD NEWS for you!!!! STAY AWAY!!!!
Stop talking to him period!! And get new friends! And drop these friends FAST!!! And get a mentor. And start seeing a therapist ASAP!
Moderators: Maybe this thread should be deleted? The whole thread is dedicated to speaking about a specific Jewish person. How is that okay?