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  • in reply to: There Is No Eruv In Flatbush / Marine Park! #1188292

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    I am told that the Flatbush Eruv as well as the Sephardic Eruv overlap the Marine Park Eruv and extend down past Gerritsen and North past Ave R. As I said earlier, if you PM me I would be glad to provide my Rabbi’s number and he has far more detailed information about this topic.

    in reply to: There Is No Eruv In Flatbush / Marine Park! #1188289

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    Moderator 105:

    The eruv goes from ave U at Flatbush ave to Flatbush and ave R, down ave R to gerritsen and back down Gerritsen to ave U

    in reply to: There Is No Eruv In Flatbush / Marine Park! #1188288

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    First of all, you have no right calling people mechalel shabbos when you have no idea what you are talking about.

    Not only is the eruv kosher but it is inspected every week. If you would like more information I would be happy to provide the contact information for my Rabbi who deals with the eruv every week.

    Lets stop this “holier than thou” attitude – you aren’t. If you don’t hold by the eruv – then don’t, but stop condemning others who have valid sources on which to rely.

    in reply to: Recent shootings/protests #1166204

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    ubiquitin wrote “Look at the OP which essentially said, who cares if cops kill black people since black people also kill black people.” – that isn’t what I said at all. Actually, its quite the opposite; Why DON”T they care when black people kill other black people? “why does it have to be all or nothing?” Because either you care about all lives or you only care to promote your own agenda. Guys like Al Sharpton only care about lining their own pockets and stoking the fires of racial tension so they can get more publicity.

    Oh, and how aout the following;

    As I asked before, don’t those lives matter?

    in reply to: France – Not who was there, but who wasn't #1051472

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    ubiquitin – I think oomis just answered your question fairly well. More to the point, they demonstrate that they do not care. How many other world leaders were there to show their support at an “anti-terrorism” rally? While it doesn’t mean they support radical islam or the attacks, it does show their ambivalence toward the situation. If it isn’t a big deal, why is Kerry backpedaling now and making “every effort to get there” as soon as he can? What message do YOU think it sends to the rest of the world?

    in reply to: Can you recommend an E-cigarette? #1010223

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    Thank you to everyone that posted, expecially zvei dinim for actually answering my question and providing a specific brand.

    Regarding the whole question of good for you or bad for you, that wasn’t really the questions here. I am sure we can all agree that regardless of the “unknown dangers” associated with e-cigs, they sure seem like a better alternative to regular cigarettes, at least as of now. Even though it contains Nicotine, water vapor is certainly safer than plumes of smoke.

    There is a lot of controversy around the e-cigs because they can’t figure out how to regulate them. The clear answer to a politician is to convince people that they are dangerous – that will surely mean some sort of regulations, and probably tax revenue (they are not really taxed as of now besides regular salestax). That is the real controversy, its all about revenues and control. I once read that if you want to get to the truth – just follow the money trail.

    in reply to: Can you recommend an E-cigarette? #1010209

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    nobody has a suggestion?

    in reply to: BT Communities in NYC #972250

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    Have you heard of or considered Marine Park in Brooklyn? The Marine Park Jewish Center, in spite of it name which some associate with reform, has a large cross section of the orthodox spectrum ranging from really modern to a few yeshivish visitors. There is a new BT couple that recently moved in and they told me that they feel very welcome in the community. The Rabbi is very involved, the shul holds by the eruv (not up for discussion right now, so lets not comment on it) and there are playgroups for children every week. There are about 120 member families, so it is not just a small group and they can arrange for you to come for a shabbos to “check out” the community.

    The beauty of the location is that it has somewhat of an out-of-town feel but all of the convenience of living in Brooklyn.

    Anyway, just something to consider

    in reply to: An interesting Shabbos guest, and thoughts on Rosh Hashanah #969529

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    DaMoshe – Well said

    notsuchalamdan16 – As much as I agree with you about the leadership having a hand in this, there also has to be some sense of personal responsibility. As a parent, I can’t imagine disowning one of my children. Certainly not just because my rabbi tells me to do it.

    in reply to: Letter sent to Mishpacha magazine. #970384

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    Hakatan – how do you know how much ahavas haTorah I have??? Who are you to judge me or anyone else? Additionally, did I say anything about Zionism that prompted your attack? NO, I simply said that if you do not like the rules of a country, you are free to leave and go to a place that you like better. That place may not exist but you can certainly leave this “oppressive” Medina.

    Derech – your comment is exactly my point. “A lot of your folks already left…” Who exactly are my “folks”? You don’t know me and yet you have no trouble separating me into a category of your people. WE ARE ALL THE SAME PEOPLE! As much as I may disagree with your perspective, I would not consider you a separate entity. I highly doubt that at har Sinai they said “OK, all those not on our level, step to the outside of the camp and patrol the perimiter. The rest of us “real Jews” will continue to sit in our tents.”

    You know, I have said to NYPD officers “thank you for your service”, because I know that they too risk their lives every day to make sure that it is safe for us to do what we want to do, whenever we want to do it, and they deserve to be shown a measure of appreciation. What I am suggesting is that you have that small measure of appreciation for the young JEWISH soldiers. Or, at the very least, not kick them out of your shuls or beat them up for walking in the street with their uniform on. Is that too much to ask? IS IT?

    in reply to: Letter sent to Mishpacha magazine. #970372

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    I cannot fully express how disgusted I get when reading these “chareidi” statements. If you all feel so terribly oppressed, why don’t you just LEAVE? Nobody is holding you down. Go to other countries – as rabbiofberlin said, I’m sure all of Israel’s neighbors would welcome you and provide the same financial support and military security you receive now. Better yet, how about you retrace your steps and go back to Poland and see how you do there. Wait a second, they banned shechita there… OK, how about Hungary, oh, wait, they may blow you up as you leave the airport. How about France? Sure, you may worry about someone walking up to a child and shooting them in the head, but at least you won’t have to join their army. FYI, the other European countries are not much better, we just haven’t seen their full potential yet.

    The point is, if your head is stuck so deep in the sand, then you are correct – who needs to have hakaras hatov to the soldiers? According to you they aren’t even considered Jews, right? So what they risk their life for YOU, they owe it to you. After all, you learn in their zechus, you are the one to keep them safe. Is that right?

    Let me explain it to you this way; you have it all backwards. The teenage soldiers that get attacked by so-called “charedim” did not put in place the policies of the draft. They are under it’s obligation to serve but they are not the ones trying to compel others to join. However, when they see this baseless hatred and vicious attacks, you better believe that they will support any legislation that will, in turn, make life more difficult for you. This is how hatred grows – through retaliation.

    The Torah is supposed to teach us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. To be an example to the “umos haolam”. I find it ironic that the people who claim to learn all day missed such an important lesson

    in reply to: Shared Driveway #957403

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    If you share the driveway then you have the right of easement. What that means is that you are entitled to have access to your back yard by driving there and neither party can block this access. If he tries, you can certainly stop him from doing so, or even get an order for him to dismantle his structure if he puts it up before you can fully act. Speak to a lawyer, and fast. You may have a problem if you don’t do anything until after he builds (I don’t know for a fact but it sounds like a very plausible thing to happen)

    in reply to: Shared Driveway #957397

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    If you share the driveway then you have the right of easement. What that means is that you are entitled to have access to your back yard by driving there and neither party can block this access. If he tries, you can certainly stop him from doing so, or even get an order for him to dismantle his structure if he puts it up before you can fully act. Speak to a lawyer, and fast. You may have a problem if you don’t do anything until after he builds (I don’t know for a fact but it sounds like a very plausible thing to happen)

    in reply to: Why did this happen (cooking question) ? #947850

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    It sounds like you were using a sauce of some kind that has sugar or honey in it. The sugars in the marinade solidified and burnt, creating the “slices” on the meat. Turning it sooner would help to prevent that

    in reply to: Good Things about Obama #903724

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    torah613613torah – Where does one even begin with this?

    1 – “He has never openly supported non-family values.” Umm…He is pro gay marriage and transgender rights, how is that for family values?

    2 – “he strongly affirmed his support of Israel during the debates” Right, DURING the debates of the last election he did the same thing, and we all know how warm the relationship is between Israel and the US in the last 4 years

    3 – “he has put himself above suspicion by having Jews..working for him. He can’t be too much of an anti-semite”

    Yes, that certainly makes it clear, after all, its not like racists hire minorities, ever. Especially not for tasks they are “well suited” for and especially not to “put himself above suspicion”, that would just be misleading, wouldn’t it?

    4 – “Sometimes a president who doesn’t seem to openly love Israel, can do a lot more behind the scenes without being criticized by the media.”

    That statement does not actually say anything. However, there are two things to consider; 1 – he has NEVER been criticized by the media for ANYHING and 2 – He can do a lot of damage behind the scenes that we would never be aware of (ie – his remarks to Putin when he thought the mikes were off).

    Bottom line is, this guy is a disaster in the making and the country just enabled him to continue for another 4 years.

    Oh yeah, CHERRYBIM, it is nice to see that you are so proud of all of the illegal things you can continue to do with him in office. Do you not realize that these benefits you are talking about are actually stealing? There is no other way to categorize it. Honest, hard working people are paying more and more in taxes so that freeloaders can work “off the books” and collect benefits on top of it all. Or, as you put it, the ILLEGALS that “need” the benefits. In my opinion, these people are no better than the “brothas” out there. We, as a poeple, are supposed to be better than that

    in reply to: Shocking Study of Modern Orthodox OTD Rate #941446

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    Health – FYI, calling MO “apikorsus” is not speaking any sort of truth.

    in reply to: Romney VS Obama poll #900043

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    The sad truth here is that people vote selfishly, without a global perspective. If the vote was about getting the person best suited to get this country back on the right track, to improve the job situation and the economy as a whole, to reduce the insurmountable debt we carry (and the inevitable consequences), to regain our position as a global superpower, to once again demonstrate that we are clearly against terrorism (and not apologize for it), then there would be no question of Romney winning.

    Unfortunately, about half of the country only cares about getting more for themselves. More handouts, more services, more “free stuff”. These people don’t seem to understand that these funds have to come from somewhere (i.e. taxpayers) and with the way things are going, the number of people contributing to the pool is shrinking. A case in point, there was a woman on the radio last week who got a free cellphone and was saying “Obama gave me a free phone!!! I love Obama”. The problem is that Obama didn’t give her anything, I (and other taxpayers) GAVE IT to her – Obama TOOK IT FROM ME, and he intends on taking more and more until once of two things happens – I move away or I stop working and start taking. Anyone who manages a household knows it is impossible to keep up.

    I don’t think that it is even worth mentioning his foreign policy, which not only makes America look weak and impotent but is detrimental to the existence of Israel and the millions of Jews living there. I don’t care if you believe in the state, you can at least agree that millions of Jewish people will lose their lives if Iran gets its way. Surely that still means something.

    I just hope that enough people gain the clarity necessary to make the right choice in november

    in reply to: BBQ on July 4th?? #963069

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    lesschumras – +1, but you forgot foodstamps.

    GeshmakMan – I like to BBQ as often as possible, so it really has nothing to do with the day, other than what Sam2 said – the timing works well.

    HOWEVER, knowing the posters on here, I am sure you will get many differing opinions on the topic and I am sure that some will find a way to make it assur to BBQ for reasons you would never have thought of. “maybe it could lead to socializing…” “maybe you will use the internet to find a recipe…” etc. Clearly these things are assur so obviously you shouldn’t BBQ

    in reply to: Words from an ex IDF solider for Yom HaZikaron #1163104

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    I am both enraged and saddened by some of the posts on this topic. To think that some people who call themselves “frum” can go on and bash other jews and their level of observance and religious orientation is appalling. I guess they don’t teach the story of Rabbi Akiva in those “yeshivos”. I bet they wouldn’t even allow him to attend their yeshiva since he was a BT – after all, how much can he really know? This is the epitome of sinas chinam. This is the reason his talmidim died during this time. They were too busy burying their head in seforim to acknowledge their fellow jews with respect.

    Why is it so difficult for you “frum” posters to exhibit some humility and respect the fact that there are people who lost fathers, brothers, sons etc.. and they choose to remember them on this day? Some of you say that there is no tehillim said today – HOW DO YOU KNOW? My shul had a very moving maariv yesterday with several kepittel tehillim lezecher nishatam. Even if you disagree with the “medina”, as you are all fond of pointing out, why can’t you recognize that for many, this is a day to commemorate the people who gave their lives to save others. These are JEWS who died to protect other JEWS! They did not ask what kind of Jew you are. They did not care what kind of kippa you wear, what shul you daven at or if you eat gebrokts. They just went out and put themselves in harms way so that others can live safely.

    You may be better versed than me on many topics but it seems that there is one crucial subject that yeshivas seem to be leaving out of their curriculum – Derech Eretz.

    in reply to: Closing the Streets in Boro Park for Shabbos #871195

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    Not only is this notion ridiculous but so are the people who think this is a good idea. Is there not enough hatred of the jews already? Do you really think that trying to bring this plan to fruition would help anything? If your area is so frum, then you shouldn’t have a problem with people driving down your block. The fact that they do only goes to prove that your theory is wrong. In fact, one can argue that it would be discrimination against the non-jews who live in that area. Besides, what do you really hope to accomplish? Do you want to be able to walk down the middle of the street on shabbos instead of on the sidewalk? Do you simply not want to see cars pass down the street because it diminishes your “Kedushas Shabbos”? You have a very simple choice – Move to a place that already has this rule in effect.

    I am so tired of people EXPECTING others to accommodate them. WAKE UP – you live in America, and as such you need to follow their rules, not try to force your rules on them

    (end of rant)

    in reply to: Name My Store :D #860144

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    I think that in order to come up with a good name you need to first determine where your store will be located and who your target audience is. For example, Kosher Byte would not get you as much traffic in the Bronx as it would in Flatbush.

    So, if you answer the two questions above it would be easier to come up with something (IMO).

    in reply to: Health insurance for large families with decent income #850558

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    I had this exact issue a couple of years ago. I was making too much to be on healthy NY but not enough to be able to afford a decent plan. I was lucky to find a person that brokers different plans and he was able to offer several options that do not have an income requirement. The plan that works best for me is a high deductible one from Oxford. It is a family plan and it costs about $11,000 plus a $2400 deductible (between all members combined), after which it is the regular $20 copay per visit. It doesn’t sound so much cheaper than the one you have now but they have an excellent network and I have not had any problems so far. I believe he also deals with Dental plans. If you want the contact information, please ask the mods to allow you to email me and I will be happy to forward the information

    in reply to: I had to share this joke #1064038

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    I have seen a restaurant called Suun Fat – not for dieters.

    How about these:

    Be quiet – Wai Yu Toh-King

    Oh my – Ho Lee Kow

    I was in an accident – Ding Mai Ka

    in reply to: My Motzei Shabbos Rant #833237

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    yitayningwut -I think the problem is that there is WAAAYYY too much emphasis these days about everyone being happy. Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone should be happy. I just think that realistically, we can’t all be happy all of the time. The issue is that kids are never going to be happy when they are told to do something. It doesn’t matter if the school day was only 3 hours, they would be unhappy about that too. The constant desire to do things just to make kids happy is actually causing more harm than good. They never appreciate things anymore. I bet when you had a day off from school it was like going on vacation – what to do with all this free time? Do today’s kids appreciate a day off? No. They want to know why they didn’t get two days off, because that would really make them “happy”.

    I think we would all be better off if we thought about what the kids need instead of what would make them happy

    in reply to: chofetz chaim bkln- white shirt policy #862582

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    shmoigeboige – If that was the case, why implement the policy?

    in reply to: chofetz chaim bkln- white shirt policy #862579

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    I don’t get it. If the “community” is pro white shirts then they should dress their children in white shirts. It would seem obvious to me that if they are dressing their children in colored shirts, then that is what they want. Maybe the parents are sending their children there specifically because they CAN wear whatever shirt they want? Aren’t there plenty of other (right-wing) Yeshivas that have this policy? If the parents really want such a school why don’t they just send to those schools and leave other people alone?

    in reply to: The Value of a University degree #833464

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    As some other people pointed out, it really depends on your personality and what you want to do in life. If you want to be a professional then you will need a degree just to be competitive with others in the job seeker pool. However, if you are good with people and are a good persuader, maybe you should look into sales, where a degree does not mean as much.

    I will give you a good example of two people I know: One has a masters in the “therapy” area. She currently has over $40,000 in student loans but cannot get a full time placement for work. As a result, she nets under $2000/month.

    The other person was a housewife for the past 15 years. She did not want to be a secretary, to work for $10/hr, so she decided to take a shaitel macher course. Now, she charges about $35 per shaitel and more for extra things like haircuts, colors, etc. If she only gets 25 shaitels per week, that comes to about $3500/month. That is clearly more than the first example and she doesn’t have a huge debt looming over her. The best part is that its all in cash, which is not reported (not that I condone it but that is what she does).

    At the end of the day, who do you think is better off?

    Again, I am not saying that it is for everyone, but in some cases it makes more sense to forego the degree. You just need to figure out what you want/need to do

    in reply to: grand jury duty #830947

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    Skiaddict – I would suggest that if you do not know the facts, you should not comment because others may use your incorrect information as fact. I have heard just the opposite. That the problem is if you have a capital case and the defendant is Jewish, and he is convicted, it is a problem because we cannot condemn another Jew outside of bais din. I do not know which it is for sure but I would not make a definitive statement about it.

    Secondly, Grand Jury is entirely different from regular jury. Excuses like “I hate blacks, muslims, police etc…” do not work because you are not deciding on guilt or innocence, only whether the case should go to trial. I know this because I just served recently. I had the two week service, which is every day as opposed to the longer duration which meets only twice a week. The first thing they said is that they do not care if you are biased so don’t even bother with that excuse. I tried to explain that I am a small business owner and the only person in the company and could not just close for two weeks. You know what I was told? “You will just need to make other arrangements”. The bottom line is, unless you cannot speak/understand English or you are a primary caregiver (that you have small kids at home), you will probably not be able to get out of it. I’m not sure if they care that you will miss school. The only positive I can mention is that there is a lot of free time when you serve. You may only hear an hour of actual testimony all day because it depends on when they can bring in the witnesses.

    Anyhow, the best of luck, I hope you can work around it

    in reply to: Google Voice #942230

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    I use it all the time. Aside from pretty decent international rates, it is also great if you don’t want to give out your real number. You can route the calls to any phone and you can even change it as often as you want – so if your’e leaving the house you can send the calls to your cell, etc. Additionally, when I get a voicemail I get an email with a transcription of the message and the number that called. It isn’t always perfect but it is a great tool.

    Keep in mind that if you are calling internationally, the rates are going to be much more expensive to a cell phone vs landline (like 15 vs 2 cents/min).

    Good luck

    in reply to: How do you know when its time? #825807

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    Aries – Thank you again for your input. Your latest message has been the most helpful. You do not simply say “do something”, you have actually given me some suggestions to address the problems. I will acknowledge that I do not always know how to phrase what I want to say – especially during an argument. I will certainly try to follow your advice as best I can.

    Flowers – I am not sure why you are so on my case here. I don’t recall seeing posts that are saying that I am wrong, just that I shouldn’t be too hasty to make my decision and that I should continue to work on it. Besides, me being right or wrong has nothing to do with my question. What I was asking is when does one say “enough”. When does one realize that working on it is not going to work and you would both be better off apart than together. I also never said that the previous therapists told me that I’m wrong – I just said that it didn’t work for us.

    BTW, our monthly bills are closer to 8500 and while she brings in about 1500 a month, we are still in the red every single month and will not be able to survive for much longer at this pace.

    Now, to address your other comments: She is not exactly pushing me to make more money. Its more like whenever there is something she wants to spend money on (which is pretty often) she says things like “why can’t you just make more money so we can afford this” or “well…if you made more money then I wouldn’t have to feel like a pauper”.

    Additionally, SHE is the one that decided to get a masters. She had a BA and was working in the city at a job that had potential for advancement but she wanted to have a masters. She has made it quite clear that she does NOT want to be a stay at home mother. It is not for her. She wants to leave the house and work. I didn’t decide that for her. Consequently, now that she has her MS, I don’t think it unreasonable to expect her to go to work. How can you seriously tell me that it is “undue pressure” on my part when the kids are at school and she is only working 8 hours a week? Not only that, but she doesn’t even take care of the house. I would agree with you if she were a homemaker and I was pushing her away from that. HOWEVER, she does not clean – we have a cleaning lady; she does not cook – most of the time I end up making supper and certainly I make most (if not all) of the food for shabbos. I even do the grocery shopping. So pardon me for getting defensive but when I hear someone say that I should take on “a little more responsibility around the house…” it really gets me upset. How much more should I take on? Why is it that I have to be the one to make it easier on her? As S2021 said, we are supposed to be a team, right? If she doesn’t want to work, shouldn’t she make it easier for me to run my business so I can produce more? But that is not the case. I am constantly asked to take care of things during business hours, especially since I work from home. I’ll give you an example: the other day she arranged a play date for one of our kids while the other was in school so she can go to a doctor. She then called me to say that she was leaving the doc but wanted me to pick up our child. when I asked why she couldn’t just pick up on the way home she said that she wasn’t sure how long it would take and our child needs to be picked up now. So I went. So far it sounds reasonable, right? But then, she called me when I just got to the other house (about 15 min later) to say that she just got home and did I pick up our kid. Now, it may not seem like a big deal but I just wasted a half an hour, in the middle of my day so I could take care of this. Meanwhile, she could have just as easily done it (even faster since it was on the way) without disturbing me. I then had to watch my kid for another half an hour while she went to pick up the other one because “it would be easier for [her] if she didn’t have to take this one along”. I did that too – just to make things easier for her. Then, she asked if I could do something else… When I told her that I really had a lot of work to do and maybe she could do it herself, do you know what she said? “I forgot, I have the laziest husband in the world. Fine, I’ll just take care of it myself then” and walked away upset. What am I supposed to do?

    Now, I know that as you read this you must be thinking “I’m sure that he is embellishing this story”. Let me put it this way. I have a business partner who also works out of my home. He has said to me, many times “I would never believe half the things you say if I didn’t see for myself.” Anyway, the point here is not to rant about my wife. The point is to figure out how to change this situation and not be stuck in anger and resentment.OR, if there is even anything to work on. As of right now, I feel like I have a roommate not a wife. I don’t want/need a roommate.

    in reply to: How do you know when its time? #825800

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    Flowers – Its ok, I understand, although your reaction is representative of our culture. Too often the husband is automatically seen as the aggressor/perpetrator/the reason for the problem. Even after all the facts are revealed, the perception remains tainted with a bias against the man.

    in reply to: How do you know when its time? #825797

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    Aries – No, you did not scare me away. In fact, I sincerely appreciate the time you, and many others, have put into formulating your responses. I simply realize that the situation is too complicated to be summed up in a few paragraphs and to receive appropriate advice I would have to provide much more information, which would not only reveal too much identifying info about me but also stretch the attention spans of even the most patient members of the CR. I would like to respond to a few comments though:

    1 – if money was not an issue, there would still be a problem. It is more a matter of priorities in life and lifestyle choices to which money problems add an ever-present agitator

    2 – I make more money now than I ever did working for someone else so this is not a matter of me playing entrepreneur to “see what happens at the expense of my family”. The problem is that we have to pay for our own health insurance in addition to rent, childcare/yeshiva, student loans, credit card bills etc.. I know that everyone these days has those but for me, those bills alone represent about $6000/month. That is before things like heat, electricity, groceries, car expenses… Again, I know that everyone has those problems. MY problem is that she has a degree that will pay her over $60/hr if she was willing to work. If she contributed just 25% of our income we would have more than enough to cover.

    3 – I know that working in certain settings has higher stress levels than others. That said, I come from a school of thought that when you are struggling financially you cannot afford to be picky and you do what you have to do. How can she complain that we do not go away on vacations “like other people” but then she won’t take a job that, while stressful, would enable us to put money away to do just that? I simply can’t understand it.

    4 – I work from home. That allows me great flexibility with my schedule. I DO help out at home. I take care of everything from finances and upkeep of the house to making dinner and taking care of the kids. In fact, the only thing that I do not help with is laundry. We also have a cleaning lady because my wife is not interested in cleaning. The point here is that I do many things already. I feel like all of the major responsibilities of our household rest on my shoulders and I get very little help from my “ezer”. To say that I should take on a few more things to pick up the slack is to say that I should absolve her of ALL responsibility in the house. If that is the case, in what way will she be a wife?

    Aries – you asked “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Obviously, I would rather be happy but at what cost? I just can’t look the other way ALL THE TIME. These things do bother me and they don’t go away. Ignoring them only allows them to build up until they explode.

    Haleivi – the metaphor about the sink is flawed because you would not just leave the leaky sink and say “well, that’s just the way it is”. You would try to fix it and if it couldn’t be fixed you would replace it rather than listen to the constant drip, drip, drip all day, every day. Wouldn’t you?

    Look, I am not saying that she is a bad person. She is a product of her upbringing (with a single mom who tried to compensate by letting her have whatever she wants when she wants it). I do not blame her for that, even if it frustrates me. She is a good mother and cares about the kids. I just don’t know if the two of us are ever going to be on the same page. No, I haven’t made up my mind. That is why I am trying to put this into words and seek advice. However, I do question if we, both being good people who may have a happy future with someone else, would be better off going our separate ways now instead of “sticking it out” until we really can’t stand each other. We are both pretty young (early 30’s), at this point we may both be able to find happiness with someone else. If we carry on like this for another 5, 10 years we will have a significantly lower chance of that.

    Finally, thank you FLOWERS for your opinion. Obviously I am a narcissist because I am asking other people for help with MY problem. How silly of me to be concerned with my life.

    in reply to: Dancing at Chasonus issue #824611

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    I think it comes down to one question: are you there for the chassan or the shul? Based on your answer you should be able to figure out where to dance

    in reply to: How do you know when its time? #825761

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    Hi. First I just want to thank you all for the replies. Just to put it in perspective (BPT), we are now in our 6th year of marriage. Yes, parnassah is always a point of contention. I was the sole provider for over 3 years while she pursued her masters. Then she worked part time for a while then was out of work for a year. Now she has started work again (based on the school sched) but she had less than 10 hours of work per week. That itself is not the issue, rather the fact that she constantly complains that I do not make enough money. Meanwhile, I am trying to make my small business grow but it will certainly be a while before I can bring home serious money. She on the other hand is very picky about her assignments and where she will work – the work conditions have to be perfect or she will not take the job. No matter how much I stress to her that we need the money she simply will not “settle” on just any job.

    This brings me to ARIES’ point. Maybe a life coach would be the answer, I don’t know. What I do know is that we have been to 4 diff therapists, 1 not frum and 3 frum. None of them accepted insurance and we had to pay out of pocket between $100-$250/hr. After spending $1000’s in the past, I don’t have much faith that the 5th time will be the charm. Additionally, we are running on a deficit of over $1000 a month (since she makes almost nothing at her part time job) and between credit cards and student loans we owe about $80,000. I simply can’t afford to see someone and spend even more money I don’t have.

    To all of the posters that say that this is not a place to get therapy – I completely agree. I am just trying to see other people’s perspectives on things because mine is not objective. It would be very helpful to hear from people who have gone through a divorce, what got them to that point and whether it was for the better.

    I am simply at a point where I am trying to make it work because my love for my children outweighs my issues with my wife. What I’m afraid of is what will happen if/when the balance goes the other way

    in reply to: Why is Challah Braided? #813126

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    They are braided because they look pretty and are more appetizing that way. Personally, when I bake challahs I make it like a breakaway which is so much faster and still looks pretty. Tell your wife to try it next time

    in reply to: I was a bit taken aback by this… #802988

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    I would guess that the father was named in the suit since the crime took place in his home and perhaps he can be held responsible

    in reply to: DIVORCE CRISIS – young couples getting divorced #1200074

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    Aries – Both of your points are excellent. I still recall how my wife (we were just dating then) would tell me about so and so and how they were engaged and what kind of ring/stone they got and how so many of her friends were getting engaged. There is certainly something of a herd mentality involved. People approach marriage as something “everyone else is doing”, even if they don’t admit it. It looked to me (I know I may be wrong) that people get excited with the idea of having an engagement party and then an ofruf and a wedding and sheva brachos and to see all of their friends show up and be happy for THEM, not to mention the presents – who doesn’t like presents. The problem is that once the lights go out at the last sheva brachos, and sometimes even before that, the excitement wears off and you now have to deal with reality. Suddenly you have to start doing your own dishes and laundry and you have all kinds of bills, and maybe you don’t have all that much money to spare… That is when the bond of marriage is forged. It is a time when couples need to learn to lean on each other for support and get through it together. The problem is that many times each person turns to their mommy or daddy instead. Unfortunately, the parents often do more harm than good. Instead of encouraging the couple to work through the problem, many lay blame on the son/daughter in law and plant seeds of discontent in the mind of their child.

    The other problem I see is that there is too much pressure on young people to get married. These days I hear all the time something like “…and she is already almost 20 and not even engaged yet…” This constant pressure by the community to hurry up and marry is simply ridiculous. As if a girl is worthless/hopeless or worse, something is wrong with her, if she is not engaged right out of HS or Sem. How often have I heard “Nu, they went out on 3 dates already, what is taking so long? They need to decide yes or no”. Well, maybe 3 dates is no longer enough to decide. Maybe people need to back off and allow the couple more more time to see if they’re compatible. We live in complicated times. We have a role reversal in the home that is changing the dynamics of marriage – but we are not changing with it nor educating people how to deal with it.

    I believe that the divorce crisis is in large part due to a combination of these factors. Coupled with the “disposable” mentality we now live with, it is easy to see why people are so quick to let go when the going gets tough.

    in reply to: Neturei Karta advertisement on ABC radio #773025

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    I simply do not understand how anyone can support, publicly, the position that these people preach. Do they not realize that their public displays serve to legitimize the actions of anti-semites to harm ALL Jews? It is the most vile display of sonas yisrael when these people are seen shaking hands and even embracing the very person who has openly supported known terrorist organizations and has pledged to wipe Israel off the face of the map. Make no mistake about it – his goal is to be rid of the Jewish People as a whole, not just the state. Anyone who is unable to see that is either delusional or in serious denial!

    in reply to: shaving this friday #1072885

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    Yes, its true. However, if you didn’t shave on Fri you cannot shave motzei shabbos, only on Sunday

    in reply to: Menahel's Decision To Expel A ?Good? Boy #767321

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    Participant

    Thanks Aries, my point exactly

    in reply to: Menahel's Decision To Expel A ?Good? Boy #767311

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    HaLeiVi

    Actually, it is the story.

    From the original post:”The Yeshiva questioned the boy who did not deny the fact that he had an innocent conversation…”

    in reply to: Menahel's Decision To Expel A ?Good? Boy #767307

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    Participant

    Assuming that the story is true, I still think it is incumbent on the school to find out what the circumstances are before expelling a student a few weeks before graduation. What if the boy was simply asked to borrow something from this neighbor and it happened to be that the girl was the one in the house to give it to him? Should he completely ignore her until someone else from the house is available to give him something? I understand the idea/hashkafa of boys not interacting with girls. However, there are times when things are not what they appear. A nosy, self righteous neighbor can ruin a boys life over something that was innocent in the first place and, as someone else pointed out, lead him OTD.

    Very sad

    in reply to: gift for wife #1000388

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    Participant

    How about a nice watch? There are so many beautiful models out there now that you can get in that price range. Trust me, I’m in the business and even I get amazed with the value you can get sometimes

    in reply to: A Serious Situation #766336

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    What happened to becoming an OT?

    in reply to: subtitle #771646

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    Participant

    I would love to see what you would come up with for me

    in reply to: What makes your blood pressure go up on a scale of 1-10? #765843

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    Participant

    My mother in law – perfect 10

    in reply to: Secular Studies In Mesivta #765354

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    gregaaron – I agree that chemistry may not be useful to you specifically but in general it is difficult to say that it will be useful to one person and not to another. A curriculum is designed to provide a broad range of topics that are useful in some way. It is no feasible to customize classes for each student based on what they will need later in life. Particularly for high school students who can change their mind about their future on any given day

    in reply to: Secular Studies In Mesivta #765325

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    What I think is interesting is how you addressed this forum to seek opinions and then get upset with the opinions provided.

    Secondly, there are at least a couple dozen people that seem to disagree with you. You wrote to WOLF that he is commenting based on a singular experience but the others are coming from a variety of experiences and they are saying the same thing. Doesn’t that make you stop and think for a second that there is something to it? Then again, what can we possibly know that you don’t?

    in reply to: Secular Studies In Mesivta #765306

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    HIE

    Perhaps you can put aside your youthful arrogance and listen to the many (more experienced) people that have responded to your post. The fact that you can type 60 wpm means nothing if they are spelled wrong or placed in the wrong context.

    You boast that compared to other schools you have a much better secular education. If that is the case, it is frightening to think how bad the other educations are and where that will lead them in life. Just remember that being the best of the worst is not necessarily a good thing.

    Overall, I see your attitude as a reflection of two things:

    1 – Todays society’s “on demand” attitude, or “I want to do what I want when I want”

    2 – The attitudes adopted by yeshivos to belittle a proper secular education. This is especially damaging because the children’s negative view of secular studies (as evidenced by HIE) comes as a direct result of those attitudes. Why should students conduct themselves properly or value the education if they are told by the school that it is not important???

    I personally feel that it is extremely important to have a proper education. How else can todays young people get a job or career in an increasingly competitive job market? Certainly not if you don’t know the difference between their and they’re. You may not think much about it now but when you I’YH get married and have children you will be thinking about these things. Like how to pay for yeshiva and bills and groceries etc. If our community produces only learners the entire system will fail because nobody would be able to pay for the school’s existence.

    So, before you type another 60 hurried words as a response, maybe take that minute to absorb what has been said in this post and try to see that perspective. You may thank us in the long run

    in reply to: Not Looking For A Psak, Just An Opinion #770222

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    Gavra:

    That was my point. If it is not allowed in her community then it is not allowed by proxy either.

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