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Please stick to your convictions – your standards of tznius are commendable. There are some chareidi ladies that are too flashy. Although we try to put our best foot forward when dating, you don’t want to try to be someone that you’re not. If you aren’t comfortable with large jewelry or a lot of makeup, (which I agree with by the way), then don’t dress that way to bring shidduchim your way. You wouldn’t want your potential mate to do the same. Eg if you want someone with a white shirt and black hat you wouldn’t want him to wear that only to impress. (If he wants to wear because he strives for that, that’s different). Colors, when not bold – like hot pink, can be refined and tznius. But if you don’t have the time for that, when dressing for work – don’t worry about it. Much hatzlocho to you in your journey.
To the OP – you certainly should be able to find a shidduch – sometimes someone with a similar background will have more in common with you, but sometimes a regular yeshivish girl as well. Where are you located? Have you met with shadchonim?
I also once had a miscarriage where I began to bleed heavily at home (after the doctor told me to wait and see what will happen.) My husband drove me to the emergency room, and the OB doctor there <B>immediately</B> delivered the fetus without normal anesthesia that would be done for a standard D&C. I still recall his words – we go to get that baby out of you (to stop the hemmorraging.) Surely EN should have been able to do that?
These conversations seem so dry.
I think we should be crying at the world our children will grow up in.
The immorality of intimacy outside of marriage (probably we came into a world that already accepted this) is also something to cry about. Hashem doesn’t want His creations, the non Jews living like this! We should be crying for that too.
Good luck to you in your quest (I mean Judaism not clothing)!!!
Many places – are you in New York?
Queens, Kew Garden Hills has a large Bukharian community. I’m guessing you’re there. For a yarmuka, tzizis, stuff like that, try Gift World on Main Street. Clothing – not sure in Queens, but if you’re looking for dress shirts or dark pants you can go to department stores like Macys, really anywhere. Hasidic style clothing probably 13th Avenue in Boro Park would be good start.
rabbiorberlin – if not a lot of showers were taken, we used to be machmir not to use the hot water Friday night especially in the summer as it seemed quite hot.
I think she also said “I don’t eat at other peoples houses.” If the topic comes up again, she can explain this is her family minhag. Similar to not “mishing” on Pesach. The person who they don’t eat by might be their best friend/neighbor, but this is a minhag they have. Therefore no offense should be taken. Even wouldn’t eat at the Rabbi’s house, irrelevant of their halachic/haskafic differences.
I will not attempt a halachic opinion. But I will mention that we sometimes turn off the “breaker” on our electic panel – the one that is for the hot water heater only.
The water is then warmish, depending on the season winter or summer and can be used for washing hands or dishes more pleasantly than the icy water from the cold water faucet in the winter.
Some might say the warm is very hot Friday night and might be a cooking question as well, when water enters the tank. If many take showers close to Shabbos, this will make the water only lukewarm when Shabbos starts.
I B”H am not familiar on a personal level with hospice care.
I know my husband once quoted Rabbi Shlomo Diamond (Sephardic community) on the dangers of a “morphine drip” for the reasons described above. I’m just trying to add to the point above that this is a known danger people should be vigilant about.
I will say that I added two drivers (my children) to my insurance and my rates did go up but after a while they went down again.
Hopefully if they don’t have any accidents you’ll see this happen too.December 26, 2013 4:26 pm at 4:26 pm in reply to: Any good ways how to pick up Yiddish to hear a shiur #1019804
I don’t know if these suggestions are relevant for you.
1. Visiting seniors who know English but would also enjoy conversing in Yiddish.
2. I learned a lot of Yiddish from the teitch homework with my kids.
The hormones after having a baby will wreck havoc with your moods and separately SO DOES LACK OF SLEEP. If you have trouble sleeping with the help, you can even ask the doctor for sleeping pills. The goal of the help is to make your life more regular and scheduled, so you can assume some sort of normal routine (eating, sleeping, meals, laundry, shopping, etc.) Anticipating this will help motivate you to accept the help and as the others suggested help from organizations make be comfortable to take.
You make be able to give over shopping or laundry duties to a friend.
Despite your exhausion, try to see what you need, what type of help and when, and you will be able to get your life somewhat under control.
I think I’m going to say something a little different.
Firstly, I love cleaning. I now by choice have no cleaning help, but I did for many years when my children were small. I like things clean and very much dislike it when they’re not.
Your need for cleanliness may not match hers, and she may not like cleaning (now during pregnancy) or maybe never will. She may acutally dislike it VERY MUCH. In that sense it’s not going to work to motivate her to do herself (even for you who she cares about). A cleaning lady may also motivate her to keep things up in between the cleaning lady. I’ve seen that with people who generally dislike cleaning. The cleaning lady does the bulk, but it then motivated them to organize the closet, etc.
The fact that she gets upset at every disagreement and cries is manipulative in my opinion, although she may not be doing it on purpose. I think you should be able to talk about your feelings without her feeling you are demanding YOUR way. To be able to tell her you are uncomfortable with a stranger in the house, would prefer her to clean, but without her feeling threatened that you will NOT LET her have the cleaning lady. That you both can express your feeling about it. Give her time and space to do this in a unemotional way, where her feelings are understood. Then the two of you can weigh each one’s need and feeling and make a joint decision. If she feels heard and understood, she shouldn’t need to cry.
Sort of like kids arguing about who gets the first turn or crayons first, etc. If each feels secure they’ll get a turn, they won’t get upset, but will handle waiting their turn.
If she is getting very emotional about everything, this will not be possible and you may have to wait out this time period. This should pass after the pregnancy and post partum period, but if not you may need some help.
Also, those who are used to cleaning help don’t necessarily require nannies. If she does feel incapable of taking care of kids solely herself – that is her feeling. Your feeling will be discomfort with that. It may take her time to taking care of children. You may find you are more comfortable with a teenaged frum babysitter than a non Jewish nanny. But each person’s feeling can be discussed and take-in into account.
1. An immoral society affects us very much, no matter how much we try to shield ourselves.
2. This type of marriage will cause a breakdown of the family unit. Children won’t be growing up with a father and mother figure. It also affects modern orthodox (YCT types etc) who now want to include this type of lifestyle as normal, although the Torah is clearly against it.
Without getting too complicated, to live in a society that allows such a thing will impact our lives and lower the values in goyishe society as well.
I would advise trying the women’s schools of Neve and Eyaht (in Eretz Yisroel) if they have shadchonim. Many will join for classes during vacation time and aren’t necessarily only those who are newly observant.
The OP did not ask for opinions regarding his lifestyle change, just if he should tell his parents and how. No one picked up on the fact that they are undergoing other stresses as well.
I think perhaps the OP might like to discuss this with their Rav or someone they are close to. Medical issues and or age of the parent should be taken into account. Assuming this sudden news wouldn’t have severe adverse affects, I’d advise the OP to share it with them, perhaps in a letter initially.
I see there are a lot of recommendations for Queens, so I would like to point out, that to commute from Queens to Brooklyn, is very far.
Correct me, if I’m wrong, but by subway, to get to Brooklyn, you first have to go Manhattan to downtown Manhattan (first going through midtown), and then continue to Brooklyn.
From KGH with the bus and then the subway, you can estimate an hour depending on the bus schedule and delays in trains. (This is based on my experiences more than 20 years ago.) I’m not sure how much time to add to get to downtown Brooklyn.
That is really horrible news. Keep strong.
One piece of advice – if you can have someone you rely on, have them call the new places you’d like to apply to, on your behalf. Sometimes an advocate can accomplish what the person himself cannot.
I don’t have any information about someone who will help with the process, but as it’s not complicated (except for adult medicaid – for a senior.) You should be able to call them and ask for an application. Ask them if you should set up an appointment or walk-in.
Look up “your County” Department of Social Services – here it’s Ocean County Dept of Social Services to get the number.
When filling out the application, you will probably need birth certificates and social security cards for all family member, recent bank statement from all accounts, proof of income paystub, etc for 6 weeks, I think. If you babysit, or rent to a tenant or similar, they can sign a letter that they pay you xxx monthly, weekly, etc.
As you apply, they’ll let you know what you’re missing. Again, just call and ask them what to do. It’s not so hard or complicated.
HatlochoAugust 21, 2013 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm in reply to: Place to get affordable, tzniusdik clothes for young girl #1055982
Sorry if I’m being a pest – only trying to help – please type in layering tee on the Children’s Place website on the search on the top right. These are plain tops in all colors. (comes long & short sleeve, so make sure to look at the long sleeve). I know it’s not a blouse, but depending on the age of the child can be fine and tzinus-dik. I even once bought a bunch of white ones for $2 each at a sale in a Children’s Place outlet (yes – near Lakewood)August 20, 2013 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm in reply to: Place to get affordable, tzniusdik clothes for young girl #1055980
I am not trying to suggest non tznius or clingy styles from the non Jewish stores. But many sleeveless tops can be worn as a vest and sun-dresses as jumpers. I’m not talking about an inherently non tznius style, but it looks like a vest – not low cut or strap sleeves or things like that.
Obviously the shell underneath must not have tight sleeves and the jumper/vest must fit properly. Children’s Place sells jumpers/sun dresses in the summer – that look perfect as a jumper with no tznius issues whatsoever!!!August 19, 2013 6:03 pm at 6:03 pm in reply to: Place to get affordable, tzniusdik clothes for young girl #1055972
You didn’t mention the age of the child, but here goes. I’ve bought shells (which they call layering tees $7 used to be less) in Children’s Place, and in Kohls or TJ Max or other non Jewish you can buy sleeveless tops and wear them on top of the shell as a vest. I will buy one or two slinky skirts and just wash them often. For Shabbos my kids hardly keep their shoes on, so I can use shoes from Payless. Lands End shoe prices are also very good if she’ll like the styles for a weekday shoe.
Here’s my perspective as a mother.
I’d like to share things with the teacher that will help my child.
She’s a very, sweet cooperative girl, but has difficulty with a lot her school work. (It’s not really an option to leave her back, because she’s already been left back once.) It takes her longer to absorb new ideas and concepts. She is really working very hard with her tutors. As much attention and encouragement as you can give her is really appreciated.
All us mothers can relate to the chaos and exhaustion.
One suggestion I have – small children can help. Get them involved in helping, even if their help isn’t very effective or helpful – and eventually it will be.
Ask them to throw away something, put something in the hamper. Go to the washing machine together, let them put laundry in and make it fun.
Try to keep certain things organized – ie where you keep their shoes, so they will learn that, and enjoy finding the shoes where they should be, so they will start to learn to want to put them back in their place.
It will be very slow, but make it fun and reward them. Do some of your work jointly with them – nothing too messy, but clearing the table, sorting laundry.
Soon they will learn these routines. And yes, be very strict about not allowing the messy activities. Mommy does not let smearing that, spilling on purpose, make a very sad face. Mommy just washed the floor, now there’s lemonaid all over …
What should we do next time…
Hashem should give you a lot of koach and yes chessed girls is a great thing too.
Can you post your message on the Lakewood Scoop as well. I know many people in Lakewood will see that.
You should have much hatzlocha and find yourself only in a good place.
After a difficult marriage, if you already haven’t, I might suggest that you should find the time to work on yourself, building your self esteem, confidence and inner happiness.
This should be a first before seeking a spouse.
Again, you should have much hatzlocha.April 8, 2013 5:04 pm at 5:04 pm in reply to: Questions About Monsey's Litvish/Chasidish Sociological Mix #1132813
I think many people are misunderstanding the OP.
I’ve often gone to SeaGate or similar new mother homes after having a baby. They are predominently used by the chassidishe community. I am yeshivishe and feel comfortable shmuzing with all the ladies, yeshivishe, modern or very chasidishe. With roommates however, I felt the most comfortable with those who are yeshivishe like me.
When you live somewhere, especially if there’s close quarters, and the majority around you have different minhogim, especially when their minhogim are more stringent than yours, it’s hard to feel comfortable and happy.
One may tend to feel inferior or just feel like an outsider because everyone knows each other, they share a lot of “Jewish geography” together, send their children to the same schools, share similar outlooks and experiences. What’s very fancy clothing, homes, or food to you, may be ordinary for them. Your day to day experiences and expectations in your role as a husband/wife/employee may be very different. You may feel uncomfortable with a style of dress that is different from yours.
Monsey seems to be the best location geographically for the OP, but he wants to feel comfortable and “in his element”, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Probably, besides for a Shabbos visit, I’d advise a touring drive around town.
STOP! We are missing a very critical point here! Halachically, one’s yiddishkeit is passed on to them by their MOTHER, not their father
Dumlat: Question we all need to know – is your mother Jewish? If so, you wouldn’t need to convert at all.
It sounds like you are looking for a Baal Teshuva Yeshiva that is very Chareidi.
I don’t know if one exists or if readers here are familiar with such.
We are familiar with Ohr Sameyach in Eretz Yisroel or in Monsey, Does anyone know is there still a Kol Yaakov in Monsey? There’s also Machon Shlomo in Eretz Yisroel, I think.
These yeshivos are not chasidishe and many of the Rabbaim’s wives will wear wigs.
The Belz yeshiva mentioned might be more relevant. Also, to gain skills you can try one of these yeshivos, and then go from there someplace you’d call “more chareidi.”
Good luck to you.
I am really commenting on something you said earlier.
You said that you’re eating a few slices of bread and butter and you fall asleep – you’re not taking drugs or anything so awful!!
If that works don’t feel so guilty about it. Eat some more fruits and vegetables during the day and save the starches for the evening. Right now when you have a lot of challenges, don’t add to them. (We all indulge in ice cream, chocolate cake, bread and butter isn’t so bad.)
There is a frum website with job listings called luach.com.
You may find some job ads in the Yated or Hamodia. In Lakewood the BP Weekly has many jobs in the back section. It’s worth getting on their mailing list.
Look for secretarial or medical data entry and network where you are as well. You may not be able to find work for a frum company. You can speak to PCS (Professional Career Services) of the Agudah for ideas as well.
I got a nice wood one for a good price in Piccolino in Lakewood. I don’t know if they have a branch in Brooklyn, though.
I think the post of Ms. Critique is not so relevant to your question. There are single girls living here in Lakewood, often working where there are other girls they can socially connect with.
You will also find a lot of girls in Brooklyn, maybe more shiurim to go to there. There are also a lot of opportunities to do Chesed in Lakewood, which helps you begin to get to know people too.
You have to start with some connection, job or friend you can go to for Shabbos or something in whichever community you will choose.
Much Hatzlocha to you.
All sorbets/ices are parve.
You can also make yourself with fruit – strawberries, canned peaches, with orange juice, lemon juice and sugar.
I don’t have a recipe handy, but if you’re interested maybe someone does.
Do you live in an area with a large Jewish community?
The kosher ice cream companies like Kleins etc make parve versions as well.
Another delicious idea are pies – apple, blueberry, which will come with an OU, I don’t recall the company, maybe Eden.
Thank you Gavra at work. You got my point.
(and yes, you cen be dressed “Tznius” even according to R’ Falk and still look “available”. It is a message being sent via clothing.)
Just my hapence – I think you’re just being difficult. I think what I’m saying is well understood by others.
I’m sorry. It’s not easy to discuss these subjects so openly on a public website.
A lady should evaluate whether her clothing is sending an inappropriate message to a man that is not her husband. No I can’t predict the thoughts of every man, but I can know if I am dressed in a provocative way or an understated way or somewhere in the middle. In all cases the clothing is covering the parts required by halacha and is not tight, but for example long hanging hair, swinging in and out of her face, very high wobbly heels, heavy makeup are very likely to send an inappropriate message.
That is the message, the inappropriate message that I am speaking about.
What I mean by empowering, is instead of dicatating to others don’t wear this and this and that, focus on YOUR OWN IMPROVEMENT AND SENSTIVITY. People feel good about themselves when they look within themselves and have chosen on their own to improve instead of because others are criticizing them.
Yes it is. I don’t disagree with you.
I’m not 100% sure what mean by subjective. If you mean the viewer, you have to take into account the norms of that community. If you mean the wearer, although it is subjective, it isn’t helpful to throw up your hands and say this is subjective. It’s more helpful and empowering to say we should all try to sensitize ourselves in this area.
Loshon Horah is also subjective. The words I say, with the tone of voice and facial expression can make a statement a very positive one or a serious aveirah. But I am still obligated to watch my words and my facial expressions, etc.
So instead of trying to give rules here about length and style of skirt, when dealing with a diverse group of people, I am just trying to make the point that there’s halacha, and there is also a message I’m sending, so more people will use their head and pay attention to the message and improve in these areas.
I guess my point was understood and misunderstood. I cannot define for others the words refined and casual. And I don’t want to. What I was trying to say is a person should look at what she (and he as well) is wearing and see what sort of message it sends to others around them, especially those of the opposite gender. This requires honest introspection. That is a part of tznius as well.
I’m not making a defintion or discussing a long skirt, but trying to explain why some might feel the long skirt or the denim skirt is not appropriate. What message does the clothing convey. And this will differ based on the community. Walking in to Meah Shearim with certain clothing may be flaunting and unrefined, whereas in Flatbush the same clothing might not turn any heads. But it behooves us all to ask ourselves the question of what message I am conveying with my clothing even if it covers me as it should.
There are different aspects to Tznius.
1.The first and foremost is that parts of the body that are required Halachically to be covered, should be covered. Clothing that is tight no longer covers, but accentuates and is also considered Halachically not allowed. Ask your Rav or Rebbetzin for better guidelines in this area. Also, clothing that halachically covers must not be skimpy so as to no longer cover during regular movement.
2. Rabbonim among them Rabbi Falk discuss the idea of looking refined and not casual. Not being casual does not mean one can’t relaxed and comfortable, but casual shouldn’t mean being too open, too friendly towards those of the opposite gender.
When my mother and grandmother grew up, women didn’t wear pants. Men wore suits, and women wore dresses or blouses and carried a pocketbook. If you look at black and white pictures in the early 1900’s or 1930’s, people looked more dignified, and the boundaries between men and women were more defined.
Today, goyim want around half dressed with everything showing, in the summer wearing flip, flops, all’s ok, all’s allowed. The media, television all send this message.
Being refined might refer to tucking in clothing, not having hair hanging down or looking shlumpy. Because this look often is one that sends an improper message. I once tried to contrast this for a group of girls. I showed them a picture of a seductive looking lady with jeans and high heels versus a nurse wearing a nurses uniform – both wearing pants, but sending a very different message. Professional versus available. The halacha of not wearing pants is not enough, there’s a message you send when you present yourself that must be correct as well.
I feel for you very much and will give you my opinion whatever it’s worth.
If you live with someone who is controlling and an addict, unless he really wants to change (not YOU want him to change), it won’t happen. And unless he wants to change VERY BADLY it may not happen either. Unless a person is VERY, VERY motivated to correct themselves, work with a therapist very hard, they won’t succeed. In this case it doesn’t sound like he’s motivated either. Also, if part of his behavior includes blaming you for his mistakes, etc, it doesn’t sound like he is willing to see himself objectively.
That being said, I have a good friend who is divorced. Her children and very self conscious and did not tell many classmates about the situation. It is very hard on children. But if the situation you describe doesn’t get better, it will HARDER on them.
I don’t have any information for you but felt bad that no one answered your post.
There is also Aish HaTorah in Israel and Ohr Sameyach in Monsey. Have you tried both of these? It could be also one of the programs you’ve already contacted would have some other ideas for you.
Much Hatzlocha to you.
I heard a shiur last night while in the car, 107.9 – I think it was Rabbi Frand.
He was discussing the halachic implications of Thanksgiving. But what was interesting to me was the history of the day, which he expounded upon.
If 1662 (?approx, I don’t recall), the Pilgrims celebrated in JULY their thanks at suviving a difficult winter. Nothing happened after that until 1782(again approx, I don’t recall) a NJ congressman or similar, suggested a holiday for thanks for this country etc. Again it was unused until during or after the Civil War (1860’s?) when Lincoln established it as thanks for this country and our freedoms etc.
Rabbi Frand, if that’s who it was, went on to say he didn’t know how the current holiday linked up back to the Pilgrim’s story, but eventually it got all mixed together.
I’m sorry that you are being misunderstood by some.
Morah Rach is not saying she wants or expects it, but it hurts when someone around you has a lot and can flaunt it, but doesn’t see you are lacking. It’s hurtful.
Maybe in a few weeks once your baby is a bit bigger you can babysit for one other child. That won’t be so hard and would give you a little extra income and a boost. Also have you looked into any government assistance that you may be eligible for based on your income. (I know there are those who will disagree with this but it might help her.)
Unless you’re in the know, is it possible he has more than one son?August 27, 2012 3:58 pm at 3:58 pm in reply to: Where to start becoming Jewish when family roots discovered #991111
I don’t often type here, more of a reader. I hope others won’t view this as a criticim.
This is a very nice website. I am concerned, however, that blogs are places where the negativity is sometimes emphasized. It’s a place to gripe and vent or share one’s challenges with others. I have the feeling you may be getting a distorted picture of Orthodox Jewish life. Many basic wonderful things we take for granted are not discussed here at all. I hope you will find them here or elsewhere.
Good Luck to you.
I cannot write here who the person is, but it’s not my husband. It’s someone I have contact with at work and cannot change that situation. I don’t think the person is messed up or has problems, but just a bit cruel and insensitive. Maybe I shouldn’t write more here, but I do appreciate all the responses.
Even if I try to feel sorry for them, it’s with so much anger and hatred, not really feeling sorry.
On the ball:
The word “toeiva” here isn’t used to describe a specific Jew (and we do hope they will all do teshuva). It’s used to describe a lifestyle.
It’s the word that writers (perhaps in consultation with gedolim) have been using in frum periodicals and websites to avoid using the words used g__ and homo______. I personally am not comfortable using those words as well.
There are a lot of factors that contribute to a kid going off the Derech that we don’t understand especially when judging from the outside.
In one case I know of, one child in the family was born with a uniquely challenging personality. He was never diagnosed as ADD or anything strong enough to warrant medication.
However, as the schools years went on, he went in a wrong direction. His difficult personality contributed to his lack of connection with parents and other positive adult mentors.
Each personality of every child in a family is different. Although the parents may be good parents, for reasons beyond our understanding, they so far have not been successful with THIS child only.
You shouldn’t feel silly at all. I know exactly what you mean as I work many hours too. When you suddenly have time for friendships you haven’t too many (and they may be at work also.) If you have time for a ladies shiur/parenting class (Shabbos or evening), the discussion following this type of thing can lead to a real friendship.
Also, the neighbors in your building – sometimes things will happen to develop a deeper relationship. Not just borrowing, but ask advice on recipes or making a simcha, schools camps for kids. You can possibly build on the neighbor relationships until they becomes a friendship.