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MiddlePath, whoever married you will be one lucky girl 🙂
Thanks for the responses!
To-MiddlePath, thats very special of you to do that-make the girl feel completely comfortable and listened to. I am just wondering- if you dont like a girl, would you somehow act a bit different (not for better or worse) when with her, as opposed to if you do?
I can relate a bit, since I was about to get engaged to someone who was totally not for me. Due to lots of hashgacha, I ended up speaking to a professional-who was really was good (there were some professionals who advised me-just get enagaged, you have commitement issues, fear of the unknown). This was a while back and B”H I have the clarity now to know that he really was not for me, I was blinded in the moment though, and the anxiety and lack of excitement I felt then was telling me that this is something serious.
I was on a date in one of the lounges. Surprisingly there was only one other shidduch date there (usually the place is crowded)and I happened to think the boy was quite cute at first glance! An hour later I get a closer look (still just us 2 couples in the lounge) when the boy gets up to get his date a drink-and I realize-its my BROTHER!!
Im going to take a look. Thanks TBT!
I am not very young, but definitely not older. Mid 20’s should suffice.
Another thing that I was thinking that signals clarity is feeling the you both bring out the best in each other and feel completely comfortable with and respect and communicate well with each other. I am just wondering also since I have a friend who told me she got engaged to the first guy who seemed normal, he wanted her and there wasnt anything inherently wrong. But now shes having trouble in her marriage, especially with communication 🙁
Quack, thanks for giving us insight on this. It’s good to hear from someone who has been there.
Aries-Thats actually what I mean by clarity, just couldn’t verbalize it into words. Thanks for saying it for me 🙂
I think me and my father had different definitions of the ‘c’ word.
In terms of predicting the future with the guy, I am aware no one can do that…Its about being present in the moment.
Shnukie-That’s an interesting post…
Thanks for the answers all! The way I’d define it, (PBA-wont use the ‘c’ word) I guess, is seeing clearly-at the moment- that someone is meant for you to marry vs. what my father says, that most people only get engaged, not cus they know that, but because the person seems good, and they are still taking a chance.
The way I see it, is that you should continue dating the guy you are with now. You never know. I think that if you are meant to marry the guy who was just suggested to you, Hashem will make it come around again, no matter the odds.
HIE-Yashar Koach for making this wedding Leibidig. Sometimes it aint so easy to get out at night…
I have to agree with what S2021 pointed out. Without exception, all my married friends mentioned (mostly when looking at their wedding pics) that honestly they were so happy to be getting married, they didnt even notice at the time who was there or what was going on around them! They only seemed to care if the Chosson showed up! And I was at a few weddings where there werent too mant friends, esp at the end, but the Kallah was glowing nontheless.
I dont know details about this Kallah, if she was getting married in her hometown, second marriage, age, etc. It could be that many of her friends were married and had to get home to husbands/babysitters, but what is fishy is that closest friends would probably stay.
What is also interesting is that if this happened only in the middle of the second dance, then this Kallah probably did get quite a good amount of dancing with people at that point (I hope!)no?
Regardless, I do feel bad that she was feeling that way on what is one of the happiest days of one’s life.
Thanks for the replies, all! Yours, smartgal and TBT especially gave me chizzuk 🙂
Yossi Z-Everything ok? (If you dont mind me asking)
Any additional thoughts are welcome as well 🙂
What I was really wondering was the comments my dad made-that most people dont have clarity, and even if you Daven for it, it may not be good for you. Is that really the case?
Try taking a part of Tefillah every day-for example start with Birchas Hashachar and focus strongly on that segment. You can even break it up if it may be too much, but definitely think about what you are saying when saying that part. Once you got to that for a while, start with more Tefilos-focusing on that, and what you have been focusing on before, and as you become more familiar with and able to understand what the Tefilos mean, add the rest of Davening so slowly but surely you will find yourself having Kavanah on some level the whole time. Sometimes it may help to break it up a bit. Having Kavanah throughout the whole Shacharis isnt easy :-/
Also I have a picture of the Kotel on my backdrop on my laptop. Its fun to say Shemonah Esrei while facing it 🙂
I know I am going a tad off topic, but what I find interesting is that most 10 year old girls will not tolerate sitting on a strangers lap-especially a stranger that they dont trust/know or who is acting in a more hostile manner. I would have thought the girl would have resisted sitting on this ladys lap even for a few seconds, never mind the whole megillah reading…
Best Segulah is getting connected to H-Shem-through doing all these segulos 🙂
Its quite interesting to see what some of the posters in the CR are in the Meyers Briggs. I happen to find the whole personality thing fascinating. I dont like putting people in boxes, but the truth is, the “boxes” here are very big, since everyone is unique.
This -and the enneagram, definitely helps me understand where people are coming from, their motivations and helps me understand their point of view and they behave the way they do. Great tool for Dan Lekaf Zechus! And in Shidduchim, I found it helps as well. In fact there is a book that I borrowed from my friend thats called-“Just Your Type” which goes through all the type combinations and says the pros and cons in a marriage with that specific combination.March 2, 2011 9:38 pm at 9:38 pm in reply to: Rather stay single than marry someone who isnt what they envisioned……. #747285
I hear the fact that people dont always get what they are looking for, but what if they are thought out in what they need, or are looking for something they need in a relationship? Ie. I have a friend who her list is someone deep, gentle, thoughtful, connected to G-d,sweet and sincere. These are character traits she claims she cant do without and feels attracted to. Is it possible she may end up with someone who is not that?
I personally like talking Jewish geography, funny stories that happened to us and what we want to name our kids (jk!) on the first or so date. Then there’s always the topics of camp, school, jobs, family, etc.
Some people progress and get more comfortable and serious faster than others. A lot of times its good to play by ear. Of course topics should get deeper and more serious as time goes on. That also helps further a developing connection.
In terms of length of dates, I dont think there is a rule. I think that 1 1/2 to 2 hours is ideal for a first date, unless of course its going very well-my cousin got engaged after a 14 hour first date! Not typical but it worked for her 🙂
Stamford Hilly Billy-
Thats a real tough situation to be in…I feel for you.
From my (a female who has been dating) point of view, its hard to know when you are really interested in starting to date and getting close to a girl. Sometimes intimacy can be very scary for people, myself included. Alot of times we are afraid of rejection or not being accepted for who we are…
In terms of “goals”-that word can mean different things to different people. Some people may have a goal to get a top job and make it rich and have many comforts in life. Others may have goals to constantly work on themselves to be better people, or to get closer to Hashem…there are many goals people can have-emotionally, physically and of course spiritual. It depends on the individual person.
In terms of dating, you seem like a very special and thoughful person, who has a lot to offer. If you dont mind me asking-have you been on a date before, just to get your feet wet? Sometimes that may help ease someone into the dating world. Of course its impossible to know after just a short time of dating, but it seems that a girl who is caring, understanding of you, accepts you for who you are and is motivating and upbeat will be a good match for you and you can help each other grow and bring out the best in each other. Thats really one of the goals in marriage-to bring out the best in the other person, and help the other partner grow in what he or she is lacking.
Of course one important component in being ready for marriage is working on oneself, self introspecting, and knowing who you are. A partner could help you go along with that and give you an objective opinion on what you would really want to do in life. Of course this should be a girl who is well thought out, but they are definitely out there 🙂
Another thing-if you dont mind me asking. Have you tried therapy in any sort? Its hard to find a good therapist but with the right one, and perseverence and determination, they can really help change your life and bring you to a healthy, self satisfied and clear place. I know of some good ones who have helped people who are afraid or wary of marriage for various reasons become much more healthier and have happy and strong unions. If the mods allow, maybe you can message me privately? I hope this helps…
Blabla, part of this can be for you. I remember those teenage years. They can be quite turbulent, and even if its not so obvious, I am sure many girls you know are also going through something similar. I am having you in mind and want to give you a Bracha that Hashem should be with you and help you find true and longlasting happiness very soon…
CShapiro-I LOVE garden of Emunah! It is a great book, and so helpful and empowering to read…can change our lives!
Thanks for the advice. He is close to 30, so its not an immaturity issue, just not having the right social graces. For example, he told me he wants to marry me the second time we went out and wanted to see if I felt the same way, and then got very insecure since I couldnt answer him the way he wanted me to! Also, there were other things, but its not shayach now. Sometimes the ins and outs of dating could be so confusing. I am glad I had clarity on this one..I hope he is doing OK!
Thanks for the answers. In my situation, I just gave it a second shot. Maybe things will change. However, it wasnt like there was a even a potential for attraction. As bad as this sounds, I could hardly even look at him. Also was the fact that I did not go for his personality. He was quite socially awkward and said some inappropiate things during the date, that I dont think he realized was inappropiate, and he didnt seem so smart and thought out. He is a good person and definitely does have a good heart-thats why I decided to give it a second date.
Thanks for the replies. I am just wondering what the definition of chemistry or attraction means when dating. Like when the boy or girl says-“I just didnt feel anything”, or “I dont think its for me”-and cant really put out a solid reason.
Bochur24, I liked that perspective.
What I am curious about is that some people have a harder time in marriage and feel naturally less compatible (usually personality wise) after some time in marriage and for others, it goes easier. Does that have anything to do with marrying bashert-or not?
Ie. I have a friend who married the first person that seemed good enough for her, but she is having a very hard time with different communication styles and she feels she should have been looking for more and dated him longer-and she is wondering if she married someone who isnt her zivug..
mms601, that was a beautiful letter. Thanks for posting!
They did a wonderful job everywhere Ive have driven today.
So why is it discourages to daven to marry a specific person or to have everything work out with a specific person who has all the good qualities?
I like that answer. I am wondering-where does the inyan come not to daven to marry a specific person if one can potentially marry anyone and make it work?
Never mind-I didnt word this properly…I started a new thread.
I am also wondering about this. Is there a way to marry someone who is not Bashert and what exactly makes someone “bashert”?
Or should we not worry about this…?
How he treats other people around him. I dated a boy who was very sweet to me, but tended to criticize other drivers exessively and people he worked with, people around us, etc.
Thanks for the feedback.
I wonder also…what makes a specific person bashert or not bashert for someone? Can any great girl be bashert for a great boy? (and vice versa)