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As to closing threads, the mods really could give a “warning” that if people stop being respectful on a given thread, the thread will close. But many threads were closed this week that did not seem so sticky. People should be able to express their opinions, even if the mods disagree with their view, as long as no one is calling someone stupid or irreligious, etc. Diverse views help ALL of us to understand the way the other person thinks, even when we strongly disagree, as many of us do, with each other. We are not children. If someone writes something truly offensive in language, for example, THAT person should be sent a private e-mail warning that he or she will not be allowed to post if it continues. One warning should be enough. After that, no more posts go through from that person.
“BUT HOW ABOUT OBESITY ITS JUST AS BAD MAYBE WORSE WHY DONT I HEAR ANYBODY POSTING ABOUT THAT????? “
That would probably be, because while obesity is potentially dangerous for the person who is obese, it is NOT a habit and it does not cause physical harm to the rest of the world. When you smoke,you ingest the tar and nicotine, but I have to breathe the air you polluted when you exhaled. When I overeat, I am the only one who will gain 10 lbs. and not you, too.
BP Totty, I want to see Moshe Rabbeinu, and I want to see Hashem allow him entry to E”Y.I want to once again see my parents and grandparents aleihem HaShalom, whom I miss more than I can express. I want to see my father, grandfather, brothers, and uncles doing avodas Beis Hamikdash, because they are Kohanim, and I have always thought about what this would be like. Most of all, I want to see a world in which Jews do not have to keep a “low profile” ever again.
This is so eerie. A similar thing happened to us a month after my Bubby O”H died. She was nifteres on Purim and on Shabbos Pesach, on what would have been her 87th birthday and also was the day of her Shloshim, a beautiful black and white dog came into our yard and would not leave. The particularly weird thing about this is that whenever my Bubby was in need of a blood transfusion (because of her fatal disease of the bone marrow), she would periodically begin to hallucinate for a couple of days, and always saw a black and white dog sitting under her sewing machine. P.S. because the dog exhibited incredibly smart and charming qualities, we who would NEVER have considered having a dog in our home for any reason, alowed him to become our cherished family pet. He was a phenomenal watchdog, and incredibly loyal to us. We always felt that Bubby had sent him to take care of us when she was gone, as she herself had taken care of us (she lived with us) for the last thirty years of her life.
I don’t know about the gilgul part, but it’s really fascinating when an animal shows up suddenly, won’t leave, then attaches itself to someone.
thanks
“”hakol d’yedai shomayim chutz miyiras hashem”…therefore since hes doing nothing wrong, he couldnt possible die from smoking…any questions??? “
It also says in the Torah itself, the halacha “V’nishmarten Me’od es nafshoseichem…” I think that takes precedence over the “hakol b’yedai Shamayim, etc.” At one point, NONE of us, including the medical world, knew how dangerous smoking is. Today’s rabbonim should be paskening differerntly.
The proper way to respond to ANY kindness, be it a physical action OR a bracha, is to say thank you. I”YH by you b’shaa tova u’mutzlachas is especially appropriate for a simcha-related bracha. And if someone says to YOU I”YH by you, PLEASE say thank you and amein. Too many girls get their hackles up at a chasunah because someone thoughtfully has “metchemmed” them. Because they may not be in a relationship at that moment, they resent the bracha, and that is a terrible mindset and attitude to show someone who meant well.
As far as the conflicts go, the old adage holds true: If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If one is a social worker, he or she must advocate for the client, whether or not that client has a different orientation, religious belief, is a drug user or alcoholic. If you are out in the field you cannot pick and choose your cases. If you are a private therapist but get some kind of government funding (i.e. someone who manages a nursing home)you may have to compromise some religious beliefs ( please note I said beliefs, not practices) when it comes to serviving the client who hold a different beief system. So that might mean you would be compelled to give an unwed pregnant girl information on abortion, even though it might be repugnant to you, but you could NOT be forced to come in on Shabbos, to do so.
Chops, which one, the purple covered book. or the yellow?
Chops, you are right about good communication, but that is unfortunately a skill that is rarely taught in Yeshivas these days.
Also from Journeys, “Father Please Tell Me (It’s What I Believe)” is a beautiful and haunting niggun.
Maybe you can leave it on the blech on top of another kli. This way it will stay at an even, consistent temperature, will not melt further, but will not harden up, either.
Maybe it is not the best way, but simply one of many ways to find a shidduch. The idea is to keep an open mind and not get boxed into only one method, especially when it is not working for you.
We always asked the question in our chumash shiur, “Was it possible that Yitzchak Avinu, possibly the holiest person ever (because he was pure Yerai Hashem, and a chosen korban)with all his nevuah could not discern that Esav was evil?” The answer my rov gave, is a real maasei Avos siman L’banim, in that we may believe that he was well aware of his son being off the derech, but he had hopes that by giving him the brachos, they would become a self-fulfilling prophecy for him, and he would do teshuva. The idea is for parents to never give up on even the worst child. there is always a potential for good, and since Esav was the role model for kibud Av, there was always hope for him.
Yeah, Jerry was seeing this girl Rachel, and George deliberately fed her lobster in some fried eggs, to get even with her because he was upset with her. I always find it so odd when a character in media who CLEARLY has no semblance of frumkeit in any form, makes such a big deal out of saying he or she is kosher (when in fact they are eating everything treif EXCEPT for the ham and lobster). In my experience, with family members who are frei, they absolutely DO eat seafood, and have no problem with doing so.
“Why can’t the gedolim get up together and say bekol echad that it’s assur gamur?”
My Rov actually DOES hold that way. He was addressing the issue of whether or not one may smoke on Tisha b’Av, and he said that there is no question it would be assur, because it is assur the rest of the year!
sounds delicious
My son is in Hunter, and he loves it. It really depends on exactly what type of field you are pursuing in social work. There is clinical work, and there is whatever the other type is. Each grad school actually is geared to specific “hashkafa” and may not necessarily be right for you. Columbia, for example is more for the social worker academician, Hunter is more for the social worker who wants to work in the field with the clients. My son was accepted (with scholarship)to Columbia, Hunter, Wurzweiler, and one more, the name of which escapes me, but he specifically chose Hunter, because it is known to be tops in the field in which he is interested. Do your research carefully, and know what you want and NEED before making a decision.
Some of these seem very obvious to me, when I see them, but others totally escape me.
So what do you do, mix it up and bake it in a pie shell?
“Guess what I came home from the wedding and I it was oozing a bit. Within a week it was gone. I have no clue what made it run away but b”h for that. “
Probably couldn’t stand the loud band music!!!! Or it thought your dancing was an earthquake and it was fleeing for its sole… (ouch, even I hate that pun!)
9 equals lives of a cat. Clearly
I cry at the “Reach out and touch someone” and Folger’s Coffee commercials.
“mince pie “
Is that even kosher?????? Where is there such a thing as kosher mincemeat?
I would make a trifle – split two choclate cake layers in half horizontally, then layer them in a trifle bowl with alternating layers of chocolate and vanilla pudding, or chocolate pudding and whip. Between each layer of pudding also sprinkle a thin layer of coarsely crushed Viennese Crunch, and top the whole thing with a nice layer of crunch. Then freeze for a few hours and ENJOY. I would take it out of the freezer at the start of the meal, and it should be perfect for spooning out by dessert time.
“Let’s all wear colorful shirts and redt shidduchs. “
Can they be redt shirts?
Great idea. Mod-77
” but then I might seriously bore YW readers! “
And your point is…? (just kidding)
A plantar wart (undersole of the foot) is a little different from a typical wart on your finger. it really does require professional treatment as it is very painful.
A couple – The Deaf Man at the Shteeble ALWAYS makes me cry,
but whenever I hear Yerushalayim Shel Zahav or Ani Mavtiach Lach, though both are Israeli, as opposed to tefila-type origins, I get goose bumps. From Tehillim or davening there are just so many I could never choose one. They all make me emotional. Kol b’rama Nishma is a good example, and Im Eshkochaich,
“That’s why at events girls are on a waitng list and they have to beg the boys to show…. “
They actually often give the boys FREEBIES to attend. My daughter went to several such events and found out from the guys there, that they paid NOTHING to be there (including Shabbos hotel stays).
happygirl, with all due respect, do you really believe what you wrote? Doesn’t that sound a bit like L”H to you, or motzi shem ra on the older singles? Not being married does not equal being less frum. And it certainly does not automatically lead to the “dire” consequences you mention. There are many VERY frum older singles who are just as frum as they were in their very early twenties. They may be disappointed, but they do not throw off the Torah because of that disappointment. SOME might, but wouldn’t you agree it is a little unfair to make a blanket statement like that about older singles in general?
If this shidduch is meant to be, I hope “stranded” will not let her FRIENDS decide for her whom she is best suited to marry. This is especially so because unfortunately, girls tend to leave many of their old friends in the dust after they get married, and then she could be REALLY stranded! Let her marry the person whom SHE deems right for herself, and let the others marry the full-time learners if that is what they desire.
This entire coversation seems a bit premature, by the way.
“are going to proofread my whole post and make me rewrite it… “
Please write 1,000 times, “I WILL carefully proofread my posts.”
J and W22 – I like your style. I hope you meet your basherteh soon.
estherh – – REALLY???????
“That’s happening even without them going to singles events, as singles get older. “
True enough. As their options dwindle, people make all kinds of compromises. I am not saying that is a bad thing, necessarily. Sometimes the very thing that keeps them single is the inability to be more flexible in their thinking (i.e., a girl who will not go out with a guy who has light-colored hair, or a boy who out of hand refuses a shidduch with a girl who is a size 8, which is NOT fat by the way, you foolish guys and your even more foolish mothers!).
“Dear O’omis,
your reaction reminds me of the following joke:
Q: What’s black and crispy and hangs from chandeliers?
A: An amateur electrician. “
Oh G-tenyu! LOL!!!! (sick joke)
“please be gentle on me for i am very fragile.”
If I said anything that was a little harsh-sounding to your fragile self, I apologize. I intended no insult.
“I was not saying that a girl would be trashy because she smoked but rather that it is an indication that she is in general trashy.”
Sorry, but in what way does the second part of your sentence sound materially different from the first? You are saying that a girl smoking somehow demonstrates to the world at large that she is trashy, that ONLY trashy girls want to smoke. That is simply not true, whether you believe it or not. When I went to Seminary (over 35 years ago) in E”Y, my roommate and several other girls all smoked. Not a single one of them was trashy – quite the contrary. They were – to a girl – baalos middos tovos, earnest in their love of learning, kindhearted and frum. One smoked because she was overweight and it helped her to stick to a diet. The other one smoked because her brother (in Yeshivah full-time) smoked. My roommate smoked because she came from another country where it was not viewed as a negative for women to smoke, and she could not break the habit. It also calmed her down when she was feeling a little nervous for some reason. Honestly, I don’t know how any of them mangaed to get through a school day without smoking, but somehow they did.
I cannot condone ANY of those reasons as being a good one for someone male OR female to take up this awful habit. Were it only a health issue at stake, Dayeinu. But it is the health issue, the stench, the fact that smokers are intrusive on NON-smokers’ air space, it is a powerful addiction (I have with my own eyes seen people light up a minute before it was Aus Shabbos, because they could not wait a second longer), and worse – a terrible waste of money literally going up in flames(which if you already have money to burn, you should better give it to Tzedaka, than spend it on poisoning your lungs and the air the rest of us breathe). If girls are trashy because they have a cigarette in their hands, then boys are bums for doing the same. To think otherwise, is being double-standardly judgmental.
I REALLY must proofread before I hit “send post!” I am SO embarrassed by all those typos. I guess I was just a little excited… I do tend to get all soapbox-y on this topic, and get careless when I do.
(thanks, mybat)
Jewishandworking22, you got my point exactly! (though I do disagree on the point of a crisis – as I do think we have created it ourselves).
Rabbi Orlofsky is a fabulous speaker, charismatic, funny, intelligent, and extremely worth hearing.I have not heard his tapes on platonic relationships, so I cannot comment in a relevant fashion about this, at this time.
“If you dont know what is going on now with a large number our youth,
due to liberal parents not educating their kids and preparing their kids,
letting young teenagers run loose, meet whoever, whatever, wherever. etc..
Hashem Yeracheim. Have some common sense people, PLEASE!!! “
THAT is the crux of the problem. Parents have ceased to be parents, either in their desire to be their kids’ pals, or becuase they have so much going on in their work lives, social lives, etc. that they have abdicated thier parental role. Kids are being brought up by housekeeps, some of whom do not speak English. If parents were raisning their kdis properly as mine did, they would know where their kids are, they would CARE where their kids are going and whom they spend their time. My children always brought their friends home, and we always knew to whose home they were going. If they were expected back at a certain time, that is when they came home. And if they ever gave us reason to be disappointed in them, they had to earn back our trust. And they did.
I socialized with boys all my life, at shul, in College, on Shabbatons, in camp situtations, and I NEVER saw one problem with anyone. If anyone has readjusted the world, it is the Yeshivishe system that paints a girl as “trashy” for talking to boys, and the boys as not good Yeshivah bochurim if they do not cross the street when they see a girl.
We never had a shidduch crisis (in as great proportions as we see today)until the last ten or fifteen years, and more so now than ever before. If you want to feel that the problem rests elsewhere, that is your prerogative, of course. But I suggest you read the book about the shidduch crisis, by Dr. Michael Salamon (I do not have the exact name). He is a frum therapist who has been dealing with this problem for a long time now in his practice, and I would venture a guess that he might not agree with you, either, with all due respect.
BTW, Potsandpands, you write well, and I commend you for your articulate thought process, though I clearly disagree with you. I know many Yeshivah bochurim who BARELY speak to their female siblings or acknowledge their presence when they are home, much less learn how to have a regular conversation with a potential shidduch. Whatever works for you, keep doing it, as you are obviously content, B”H. But for the many, many boys and girls who are NOT able to meet their zivugim, or are getting divorced in the shana rishona, because they barely knew each other before getting married, this clearly has become more than a crisis. It is a plague.
“I do, however, have one suggestion before we implement yours”
My “suggestion” was the way things were always done when I was growing up. We lived a wholesome, healthy socially and halachically acceptable lifestyle, and I had friends of both genders. I was never afraid to talk to a boy on a date or any other time. I also did not feel pressured to think that every date was “the ONE” so that I could not relax and enjoy getting to know the person with whom I was on a date.
You infantilize kids, potsandpans, when you say they are not capable of exercising self-control. That may be true in an environment such as today when they feel like kids let loose in a candy store when they are around other genders. That is what happens when boys and girls are treated as mysteries to each other. I was a kid, once, too, beleive it or not, and my parents raised me to be both tzniusdik and a conversationalist who was comfortable speaking with virtually anyone.EVERYONE is capable of exercising self-control, but they must be given some tools to develop that control. That is what good chinuch in school and parental reinforcement at home are supposed to be, no?
Don’t equate a girl having a boyfriend with her having low self-esteem. That may or may not be true, but IMO it is a frivolous and unfair statement. The kids whom you believe have no knowledge of what is appropriate or not, are possibly that way because they are not permitted to act appropriately with each other. You learn social graces by example, and by utilizing them in social settings. Do kids automatically learn how to eat without talking with a mouth full of food, if no one sits them down at a dinner table and teaches them good manners? I know that the Bais Yaakov (or Yeshivah of your choice) mentality dictates a certain frum lifestyle, but that lifestyle is ultimately ironically causing problems with many children who are not learning how to relate to each other in a frum but also healthy and proper way. I am certain you will disagree with me, and I am not trying to change your mind, because we both know that will not happen. But if you try to be a little objective, you may possibly see SOME merit in what I say, even if you reject it.
Torahis1, that most CERTAINLY is a double standard! I am personally unalterably opposed to smoking, whether by a male OR female, but please do not try to say it is somehow less disgusting, smelly, filty, a turnoff, or unhealthy when it is a BOCHUR doing it. It only LOOKS worse for a girl, because we are conditioned to view girls differently, more like woemn in genreal society were viewed in Victorian times. And btw, you are most incorrect when you say only trashy girls want to smoke. Girls smoke for a variety of reasons, and one of them is because it helps them to lose weight. It is no more unnatural for them to want to than for a boy to want to. The difference is that this obnoxious behavior is not only tolerated, but it is also ENCOURAGED among many bochurim in the Beis Medrash, who are emulating what their rebbies are doing. I want to end my post with the repetition – it is disgusting for ANYONE to smoke, given what we now know about the clear and rpesent danger of its effects from both primary and secondary exposure to it.
That poem made me cry.
Oy vavoy, I am SO ONLY calling an electrician for this!!!!
“The shidduch scene has gotten really strange in the last ten years. Can’t we come up with better solutions”
Yes, we can, but no one is willing to hear them. They are too radical, i.e. (gasp!) allowing boys and girls to meet each other at fun get-togethers (NOT shiurim, and not overseen by a Rov)and not going through shadchanim. Allowing boys and girls (even more of a gasp!) to actually talk to each other from the time they are little kids, through their adolescence, through adulthood, is even better, because it ensures that both sides learn how to socially interact comfortably and not awkwardly, in a normal way.
If a girl smoked, there is no reputable shadchan who would redt her a shidduch. She would be thought to be trashy. If ever there were a double standard, this is it!
What is wrong is a) too MANY prizes are being given out fore extremely inconsequential things, so the impact of receiving a prize is greatly blunted b)the impact of oral praise is being lessened as a result. “Wonderful job!” is a powerful statement. So is “I am SO proud of you!” Not everyone is going to reward a person in a tangible way throughout life, and it is a good lesson to learn early on.
Positiveaymayim – BRAVO.
” boys usually say yes to a FEW girls at the same time (obviously ones who pass “inspection”). “
Whose inspection, exactly???? I believe it is the boys’ MOTHERS who are inspecting to death. I have a son who is not yet married. I don’t “inspect” his shidduchim. The only things I am interested in prior to a FIRST date, are the following: Is she a sweet, kind, balabatish girl? Are her parents and siblings warm and caring people with a hashkafa close to our own? If those two criteria are met, there is plenty of time after a first date, to determine if further information will be necessary. That’s how I see it, and it has never steered me wrong yet. I am not interested in hearing about tablecloths, dress sizes, gorgeous or not, “best girl in Yeshivah,” or not. Twenty years from now, it will matter very little if my daughter-in-law was an Aleph plus student.What WILL matter will be whether or not her middos, along with those of my son, were imparted properly to their children. After having children, many girls will have gained weight over the years. Looks are very subjective. What a parent thinks is attractive often is not, to the son or daughter.
It’s time to stop being concerned with external naarishkeit, and start being realistic about what really matters for our children’s future.
Beautiful, ICOT. Good Shabbos and a Chag Sameach to everyone, also!