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Ha, my distant cousins had one for their daughter. They’re Conservatives and major feminists (or at least she is..) thank goodness we got there after the ceremony but we found little booklet things that were what they would say by a pidyon haben just feminized, with the whole pillow….
What does gematria magic come up with that?
The excerpt is really good!!!!!!!!!!
Keep it up and good luck getting past the writers block!!!!
hey observanteen – I am thanks 🙂 Sleep is such a miracle!!!! I think lack of sleep caused a lot of problems 🙂 even though they are still there at least I can handle them now…even if they keep piling up. 🙂
soliek – ya well it might be true but it sure doesn’t feel like you’re doing anything. I’m probably misquoting but a spy once said (might have been in a book or something) the hardest part of being a spy was waiting for something to happen, something like that 🙂 Oh well.
am yisrael chai – um yeah I did but that was because I’m a little sick so I was at home and had no energy to do real work 🙂
2scents – thanks for the advice. What if something can take a while, like you do it once, then have to perfect it but you can keep on perfecting it forever. How do you stop yourself. Also I don’t know what generation your from (I’m not trying to be insulting) or how long each thing on your to-do list is but i’m from the new generation and I can’t spend hours on one thing and each thing can take hours 🙁
But I’ll try to do a to-do list it makes everything more organized in your brain.
But the problem isn’t really my to do list. It’s more like a mental list of things that I need to do and all these issues that keep cropping/piling up without enough time to do it, literally unless I wanted to have 3 hours of sleep. No joke.
Sorry BPguy didn’t see your post before…I wish I could, truth is I would love that!! Ahhh the beach if only I lived near one just sitting near it calms me down, but unfortunately I can’t get away for a few day. Although reading a book or a walk may help..thanks for the advice.
soliek – 🙂 I haven’t been reading the CR so thoroughly, I missed that thread. I wish that was the only stressor but if I can get rid of that one then at least it’ll be a little easier. I understand that, great words of advice from your Rav, really. But it’s easier said than done. Kinda like if you have an anorexic or bulimic friend or a friend who cuts, you can’t force them to stop harming themselves but at the same time every time you see them and you know they are harming themselves you wanna cry (or at least that’s just me) and even though you can’t do anything to help them because they refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem….it still hurts that they’re hurting.
But I was talking with my friend (she keeps Shabbos) about this and her and someone else emailed a Rav and he said the same thing. But it’s hard to just sit and do nothing!!!!
THANK YOU for all the advice, oh my goodness you were extremely helpful I don’t know what I would have said to her if you hadn’t told me what she should do. so THANK YOU!!!!!!!
It’s really good MiddlePath, thank you so much.
wow I just read what I wrote and I sound really bad….I’m not suicidal or depressed (at least I don’t think so :)) I’m really a happy, stable, healthy (just a little under the weather now) person. And in general I’m not like this at all….
Sam2 – I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying. Sorry but I”m a little confused.
am yisrael chai – thanks for the practical advice. I’m going to try to do it. 🙂 (now I need to actually find time to 😉 but I will. And welcome back!!!!!!! I saw a thread about you leaving….you’re words are always inspirational (there is another word but I’m blanking on it).
observateen – hey thanks 🙂 I checked out the site and did the test, it’s kinda creepy how it’s basically accurate. I don’t think I have anxiety, the test didn’t say I did (that’s not why it’s accurate). I want to look into the thing cuz it looks really good, thanks.
lol I’m on here 🙂 (I’ve been lurking rather than posting) and I have done stuff but then I just feel like I should be doing 1600 other stuff that I need to do.
And my friends are happy people, in general. I don’t want to get into too much detail but we’re all stressed and have a lot going on but when we’re together we still laugh and are happy people, just there’s nothing we can do. I think that’s what I meant, how they can’t even help (even though they’re the only ones who understand.) That’s life though, right? 🙂
soliek – thanks 🙂 I’ll keep that in mind. But seriously it’s not so simple to chill when you find out that some of your friends aren’t keeping Shabbos…
So you’re bomb (you don’t have to answer :)) I was wondering what happened to you. Thanks for asking about her. She’s ok. We just saw each other over a recent Shabbos (I don’t remember which) and her life has gotten worse, but in her words she says its better because now she is ready to let go. I was telling her what you said, about how she has to emotionally detach from her mother. I forgot exactly what you said, how you did it living in your house so after Shabbos I copy and pasted everything onto a document so I can reread it and then give her more helpful tips from someone who actually was in the same boat. But she’s moving out!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 (I just need to find her a space to live now, but at least that) and let me tell you this, I just found out (from here) of some other things that she went though, I’m in awe of her cuz you would never know of any of this if you met her on the street!!!
Thanks everyone 🙂 I appreciate it.
blabla I wanna give you a air hug!!!!! I know how hard school is and how you want to punch some teachers in the face (big time, there’s like a line where I am to do that :)) and I have been coming home some days almost depressed, and I Baruch Hashem have a group of friends I can talk to.
But from what little experience I know, if you feel this way about your teachers, then probably other girls do to. So why not talk about it with them and come up with a way the principal can help you guys!!!
(oh and practical advice…I’m about to do that now, is do kickboxing or tae-bo and every time you punch think of someone else who’s face your punching i.e. your teacher…it’s supposed to help!
Thanks kapusta but not what I’m looking for.October 18, 2011 2:10 am at 2:10 am in reply to: I (finally) found something new york city dwellers DON'T have…. #818276
lol so true….and I don’t even live in the city (although the suburbs don’t give much stars….grass we have tho).
Funny story, I was in the country with a few friends and we looked up at the stars and we were like oh they’re so pretty. So one girl was like what are they? We’re like stars you city girl (btw she lives in suburbia too). She was like I know there are stars up there but those are twinkling. So the other girls we were with started singing twinkle, twinkle little star.
We heard an interesting thing to get rid of bugs by your Sukkah, if you use dryer sheets and put them around the perimeter of your Sukkah. We did it last year and it worked, this year there was no need to because of the rain.
yid4life – I admire you for trying to work on this. I have a sibling that I have a really hard time with, I can’t stand them sometimes. And it’s been going on for a while. I’ve given up having a relationship with her (besides for the little that we need to have being siblings and all).
But after I read your post, I’m going to try to be like you and work on me when I’m around her.
I wish you the best of luck because I know that it’s really hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for inspiring me (I hope it lasts now)
I don’t know if this is an issue for you, but if your not American and not a permanent resident of America, it can be very difficult for you to get financial aid and scholarships.
How about the one state solution…the link wouldn’t be approved but either on youtube or google check out Klavan’s One Sate Solution. I think it’s the smartest one yet.
Build a relationship with her. Then you can suggest things but first you should build a relationship, because that is what will make her more open to becoming frum. Also, if you suggest a book or something and she says no, don’t give up on her and drop her as friend, because that will give her a bad taste about orthodox Jews.September 6, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm in reply to: New Hangman! Join the fun! thread (to replace the broken one) #863962
y?September 6, 2011 6:26 pm at 6:26 pm in reply to: Does Anyone Else Find This Short Story Disturbing? #840707
I don’t think it’s only Brooklyn per se (although out of town would probably be more open) but I don’t live in Brooklyn and the community I live in is very nice, warm and all. But we are giving a BT a hebrew name and her mother and grandfather want to come. We were discussing which shul to do it at, and immediately ruled out the one we daven at because it is a FFB crowd and they wouldn’t feel comfortable because no one would say hi or go up to them and make them feel welcome.
It’s a mentality. It probably started when they were young, as a protection – don’t hang around people not like you because they might be bad influences. It’s not right, and something should be done about it ASAP because it’s a tremendous chilull Hashem (which for the record is a greater aveira amongst Jews than non-Jews…)September 6, 2011 2:11 am at 2:11 am in reply to: Lies about everything to impress and feel superior between family and friends #806131
just looking – I feel for you!!!!! I had a friend who did that ALL the time, and she said stuff that weren’t believable for a variety of reasons. I felt like busting her out on it all the time because it’s the pits to have to listen to it when you know that they are lying.
You could call her bluff (if you do it in a non-confrontational way it could work) or just in your head be like she is doing this because she is a nebach and doesn’t have any self esteem and just grin and bear it cuz you can’t change her.
Good luck!!!!!!September 6, 2011 1:57 am at 1:57 am in reply to: Whats a good cellphone family plan thats reasonable? #806000
Sam2 – we have 5 phones on our AT&T plan and didn’t pay a $750 deposit, maybe it was just your situation? Did you add them all at once or something?
Ofcourse – AT&T is ok. We have a good plan with rollover minutes, only one phone is a smartphone (iPhone) and texting. We have big phone talkers but never went over.
Hey, I did respond last time, guess I forgot to hit send post. Just want to let you know I read what you wrote and really appreciate all the advice you gave. (I was away without internet for the week, so that’s wy I didn’t write this sooner.)
I spoke with my friend bout what everyone said on here how that she really needs to leave but if she couldn’t then to diminish her mother in her eyes. (I didn’t remember everything.) Oh and she realized that she will probably be paying for her wedding…or if her mother did it would be with her money anyway 🙂
So she said that it doesn’t really hurt her when her mother yells at her but what really gets her upset is when she does stuff for her family (this also includes her siblings) and they don’t appreciate it and just yell at her either way. She couldn’t really explain so sorry its so vague.
Does anyone have any advice on how she can not feel that way or something?
Mazal Tov adorable!!!!!!! May you be zoche to build a BNB!!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy to hear!!!!!!!!!!
Hey everyone who asked…so we had her for Shabbos and it sounds like she really enjoyed it!!!!!!! Let’s hope she doesn’t feel the need to go to India anymore to search for spirituality!
Wow bomb that’s hard to cut off ties with someone and still live together.
So you’re basically saying that she should have no emotional contact with her mother?
Observanteen – that must’ve been really hard!!!! I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me. oh my gosh.
Thank G-d I have my own life as well. I don’t see her all the time and don’t worry I do not obsess over her life, for better or for worse. I only got really concerned when she started talking about giving up, I wasn’t sure what that meant for her.
Wish me luck on telling her all this!!!! 🙂
“no i mean if you know of any places which would take me on in such a role…id gladly help out”
What about Project Chazon (Rabbi Mechanic’s thing), I think he deals a lot with kids at risk or what about contacting Rabbi Wallerstein, I know he does things for girls but he’ll know where to point you in the right direction.
You totally should!!!!! Good luck and thank you soooooooo much!!!!!!!
Wow, that’s terrible to hear but I guess 2 weeks of depression are better than suffering for years…
Quick question: did you move out of the house once you cut off all your ties with her or you lived in the house with her and just stopped talking?
I think I’m going to tell her to read this (pray she won’t kill me first :))
She invites me over there all the time (well it’s not really an issue anymore unless one of us drive. Maybe she just wants her house to feel like a home or thinks that if she has friends over then her mother will be nicer.
You make such logical points (and at least I’m not alone in what I’ve been saying to her) but I guess it’ll help her to hear from someone who’s been in a similar situation that she needs to stand up for herself, because a) no one will do it for her and b) it’s not going to help if she doesn’t.
She kinda did that lol don’t want to say help but basically told her mother she’s only going to do something her mother wants if her mother gets help….I don’t think that worked though.
I’m going to tell her this, I don’t know if she is ready or ever will be ready to cut off ties completely to the extent that you did (after all she needs someone to pay for the wedding 😉 although I doubt her mother will) but your advice will/should definitely help her become mentally stronger for herself, if no one else.
Also, I don’t mean to be too intrusive and feel free not to answer these questions but do you have any siblings (I think in the Ami article you mentioned but I could be dreaming) and did your mother treat all of you the same way or did she just single you out?
Hey bomb thanks for the response.
So my friend is pretty self sufficient, she buys a lot of her own stuff but for like necessities, yeah she depends on her mother.
I can only imagine, I mean she’s your mother so even though she didn’t act like a mother should, she was your mother. It must’ve been very painful!!!!
I’m not sure if my friend has heart to hearts with her mother anymore but her mother will like pick fights with her randomly. I don’t think they have any emotional thing, she hates her mother (that’s what she texted me.) But her mother is still her mother, and deep down she wants her mother to recognize and show that she loves her so every time her mother does something to try and hurt her, it hurts. But I’ll let her know..maybe I should make her read this thread, if she doesn’t ‘kill’ me first.
Oh, we’re open about and don’t dance around it. Although I rarely go to her house, instead she comes to me. I’m not sure exactly why (I don’t have problems hanging around at anyone else’s house), but I never liked going over to her house and preferred her coming to mine. I don’t think its cuz of her situation, but do you think she might think that? Thanks for that (at least I know I’m doing something right :))
LOL it took me a few to get the apple joke 😉 Hope you become successful in all your endeavors.
Do you think that her line of thinking is correct? That if she listens and does everything her mother says her life will be better? For instance, she bought some things that she needed with her mother’s credit card and her mother got angry at her and said she has to return them. I told her not to, I said if your mother wants those things gone, she’ll have to return them herself. So she said yeah well then she’s going to take my license. I said so hide it. She said well what good is it if you can’t drive. So I texted her back and was like, your not going to be allowed to drive anyway. So don’t return them you won’t be able to drive for a few days and soon your mom’s going to need you to do something and your gonna be able to again.
Do you think it would be better for her to lay low and listen because she’s only going to be home for a “little” longer or should she stand up for her rights? (personally I think that she should stand up for her rights because I feel that more emotional damage will happen (even if she is speaking to a therapist) if she just takes everything.
Um, I guess the Mods can send me your email address, if you don’t mind at all.
“make a comic book about me…” – lol
Once again, thank you so much for everything!!!! I really appreciate it!!!!!!!
MiddlePath – you truly are an outstanding person!!! I’m sure all the people who know you in real life must be blessed to have such a great person amongst them!!!! You are an example of how people should live, if only others were like you!!!!
And may you find someone who truly realizes how great you are to be your wife….soon!!!!! May you continue to inspire others!!!!! (in real life and in this coffee room)
bomb I’m like speechless!!!! I feel terrible that you had to go through something like that!!!!! You sound like you are a really strong person!!! That must of been terrible for you to go through!!!! Everyone above me said it better but that’s what I’m thinking.
So to respond to you – first off thanks so much for the advice, I assume it must be hard for you to relive those years and I really truly thank you!!!!!
So my friend, she did try living somewhere else but for certain reasons she cannot cut ties with her mother fully and although the situation was better when she lived somewhere else, for whatever reasons she is back at home and for many other reasons she doesn’t want to leave although I’ve told her again and again that she should get out. But she won’t.
“Your friend can develop problems of her own.”
We were talking about this how the children of abusers can turn into abusers themselves and all once they have kids. She realizes this and is getting help on that aspect.
“I can guess what those complicated reasons are because that’s why I never left my home.”
You probably can, on some levels and I don’t feel comfortable spilling her whole life story out, but there are other reasons because her whole life situation is a mess.
I don’t think her mother makes it up to her because I don’t think her mother even realizes she’s in the wrong. Her mother will say some stuff, punish her and then when she needs her to do something she’ll let go of the punishment but only with restrictions. From my understanding I don’t think her mother realizes that she’s ever wrong.
“Your friend can develop problems of her own.”
I think that she is aware of this, (at least in the sense that its much easier for kids of abusers to become abusive) because we spoke about that and she said she is getting help on that.
wow bomb!!!! I can’t even begin to imagine what life like that was like!!! Thank G-d her mother doesn’t physically abuse her but she does threaten her with physical stuff like no sheets and things. I totally agree with you (not that you need my agreement on the matter) that she needs to stand up for herself and not take the abuse. I have told her that again and again that she needs to stand up for herself and that is why her mother treats HER like garbage and not her sister, because her sister doesn’t take it and her mother is scared of losing her sister. Her mother knows that if she treats my friend’s sister terribly she will leave but she knows my friend won’t.
My friend though thinks (at least from what I figure) that if she doesn’t listen to her mother then she will get punished so it’s not worth it not to (did that make any sense?). Although now I think she is starting to realize that either way she’s going to get punished and she needs to stand up for herself and not listen to her mother because it won’t help her in the least bit.
Do you have any advice on how she can slowly distance herself from her mother emotionally (I don’t think they’re that close as it is). And I think she should talk to you 🙂 maybe she’ll listen to someone who’s been where she is but I doubt she will.
Also, besides having a shoulder to cry and hug on, is there anything else that your friends did that you helped the situation at all? Did they give advice that you didn’t want and the like and that got you upset….cuz I want to know also how to help her as a friend.
And thank you again for everything bomb – I really appreciate it.
and coffee addict – the likelihood of that happening is about as likely as hurricane irene not hitting the east coast, unfortunately.
oy vey kids these days – I was walking in the park and all the sudden I heard a loud hello, nearly got a heart attack before I realized it was the ice cream truck.
Sender Av and happiest – on a non-Jewish website they have all these jokes that people submit about molesters being ice cream truck people, kinda creepy if you ask me.
I heard of someone who told her kids that when they hear the ice cream truck playing music it means it’s empty 🙂
Hacham – I’m doing that 🙂 do you know how many of my texts to her say “air hug” 🙂
bombmaniac – I heard about it here and my family NEVER gets these magazines but that week I was by someone who had Ami and that was the only article I read. 🙂 I should tell her that someone else went through what she did and she’s not alone, she’ll come out ok. So to answer your suggestions in order: she is seeing a therapist, so that’s taken care of. She did try living somewhere else but because of some issues she wasn’t able too and she doesn’t want to leave her home for complicated reasons, so how can she manage the situation while living at home for now at least?
I don’t really understand the dependency thing – do you mind explaining it to me a little clearer? Oh and I do, she knows my house is her house, my mother is her second mother…but it’s still not her house.
Also, she’s very passive so if her mother says ok you can’t have I don’t know something that someone needs she just stands by and listens. So when she tells me these things should I just be there or should I tell her to stand up for herself and stop trying to appease her mother cuz it’s not going to help (she did realize that already, but still…)
adorable – thanks for that. Yeah, I’m not there for the hock and thankfully she’s knows that.
coffee addict – I wish it was that simple for her. But it’s slightly different since aren’t you married with a kid? But does that mean it’s never going to change???
The reason that I’m posting this now is because she’s giving off vibes (for lack of a better word right now) that she is giving up – in everything. She has medical problems and doesn’t want to get help for them anymore, and now for these at home issues….she’s losing hope in life, the world, and probably even Hashem (even though she’s been very strong throughout) how do I help her????
observanteen – amen 🙂 thanks for that.
aries2756 – let’s just say she’s a teenager, but an older one. Does that help? (I hope this doesn’t sound fresh, that’s not my intention at all) but what difference does it make?
MPC – sorry that’s slang (at least where I come from) for a therapist.
If I listen to music or something that I only listened to on a long car trip than it will bring back memories…no symptoms though, just memories.
Thanks for your responses Coffee Addict and Yossi Z. 🙂
Unfortunately happiest she didn’t come this week, she got sick but hopefully she’s going to come another time. I’ll let you know how it goes. Daven it works out!!!!!!
Yossi Z. – ya, she’s not interested in Judaism at all (or she might be, it’s kinda complicated) so we just wanted to talk about stuff that she could relate to and see that you can still be ‘normal’ and frum, if that makes sense.
“I would compliment her on something (something she’s wearing, for example, and remark how it bring out the color of her eyes) that would make her FEEL pretty.”
Lol reminds me of a story that happened to someone I know. So the guy is colorblind (I’m not sure if she knew it) and he tells her (while they were dating) I like your blue shirt…actually, she said, it’s pink but thanks. They got married anyway 🙂
I think people forget that “Derech Eretz Kadmah La’Torah”. I hate when people do it.
And just for the record the issur of Chillul Hashem is greater by Jews so when I see a whole many bunch of one type of Jews doing stuff like this and I think badly of them and don’t wanna be like them – they are doing a greater Chillul Hashem then if a non-Jew is like oh, look at those Jews. So just be aware that even if its only Jews around, it’s still something bad.
(And I know there are rotten apples and all that. I’m just generalizing. Like when people say New Yorkers….obviously there are those who aren’t like that but…)
Sorry ZeesKite, I take no responsibility for people who share the same name as me. We ain’t related (or for haifagirl we aren’t related :))
btw it (she) wast so cute!
Are you implying something?
Thanks I. M. Here – don’t know how I missed it.
When I was younger, there were many instances were kids were being followed by people in cars, and they tried to kidnap kids. It was a big issue, the police came and spoke to us….they never said we shouldn’t play outside and IIRC I don’t remember not being able to play outside, instead they taught us life essentials, like don’t talk to strangers and if someone in a car asks you questions, run those types of things.
That is way more effective and a better way to deal with these types of things, than locking everyone in their house.
We went their 2x to see the Amish, the first time it was cute, we just drove around and saw what all the other tourists saw…pretty boring.
The second time, we got lost. What started off as the worst thing (imagine a lot of kids stuffed in a car, no proper air conditioning and sleeping bags, pillows…all around…bad story) turned awesome. We were a while from Lancaster and stopped at a house to see how to get there. The guy said that we were really far but there was an Amish woman running a flower shop. We went, then she took us to the barn behind the store to meet her cousins and we watched them milk their cows (bring nose plugs) we chatted with her cousins then went on horse and buggy to her house which she shared with her brother, his wife and their kids. We hung out with the kids and chatted for a while…it was the best experience ever with the Amish.
If you can do something like that you should, it’s a more real Amish experience.
What is this? (I tried googleing it but didn’t find anything)
I can get the gist of it, but what exactly is it?
Crisco!!!!!!!! Buy a tub, put it all over the infected hair put plastic on top of that and a bathing cap on top of that for a few hours and then comb through…they’re all gone.
Note: you might need to do it a couple of times though
Sorry just say this now…how do I phrase this…if someone is suicidal, is that a mental illness as well, like bipolar, depression…and then your original post would apply to them too? Or is that in a different category.
ItcheSrulik – sorry I wasn’t able to post until now…and sorry it’s not my birthday anymore but….Hashem should grant you (and all of those who are looking for seminaries and yeshivas in Eretz Yisrael next year) that you should grow in Torah, Yiras Hashem, Ahavas Hashem and experience the true beauty of Eretz Yisrael, no matter which Yeshiva you end up in…but Hashem should place you in the yeshiva that is best for you, and may it also be your first choice (does the yeshiva system work the same way as the seminary? 1st choice, 2nd choice :)) and you should have hatzlacha in all that you do there, gasmius and ruchnius as long as it’s the right thing.
Hope that works too 🙂 and sorry it’s late.
Thanks everyone for your well-wishes and MP…celebrate now…better late than never…Happy Belated Bday!
Peacemaker – I’m not using it as an excuse, I didn’t say it was right of them to do it, I’m just giving a reason why some women might feel the need to dress this way.
WIY – you sure about that, cuz from a girl’s perspective why would they. Ya they might change into flats…and a lot of times you can get really comfortable provocative clothes (not that I’m talking from experience or anything :))
Health – that’s true a lot of the time, but I don’t think it plays such a large role. And I feel that a woman would be stronger if she didn’t have shalom bayis issues.
bombmaniac – obviously I’m speaking in generalizations. Of course it’s not everyone. I thought that would be a given. Sorry!
HaLevi – what are you talking about? I know many women who don’t change when they get home, except maybe to change their shoes or something. Why would they?
Yatzmich – I’m not married although I have spoken to older, wiser and married people about this. (I never brought it up, becuase I wouldn’t think that but it does make sense) I’m not trying to be a troll or anything of the sort. I just want to provide a reason for why we might have such a tznius problem. Don’t want to incite anyone’s anger or anything.
My siblings can listen to Rabbi Hill and Rabbi Juravel for hours!!!!!!! (Me on the other hand, I can’t :))
Or try not to just listen during Elul and Tishrei (they’re coming up) and then every day after that do it day by day or a chunk at a time.
We all need comebacks like Rabbi Mechanic has for these people.
Funny story that happened to a friend’s grandmother….they wouldn’t leave even after she closed the door and they sat on her lawn so she turned on the sprinkler system. Boy did that get them away fast 🙂
Thanks everyone 🙂
Hey bomb thanks for this, it’s really informative and eye-opening.
Quick question (please excuse my ignorance) if someone is suicidal does that fall under this catergory?
Thanks again bomb!!!!