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In defense of shadchanim, not that I’ve dealt with so many, they’re not so bad, though I had one disconcerting experience I won’t go into.
And yes, learning is what makes the world go round. (And dare I say, even the learning of working men from 5 – 9.) What we need is a climate of chanoch l’naar, and bachurim having someone they deal with on a personal level, instead of just hearing the herd shmooze. Please don’t think I’m knocking such a shmooze. We can’t afford to bash our gedolim, roshei yeshiva, etc. or to add to the cynicism. We have to be machshiv these people to the best of our abilities. But we also have to nurture and encourage our kids to have very personal relationships with good mentors, who will tell them what they need to hear.
To realistic guy: here are three words that will close the Moebus strip of endless discussion – Chemotherapy as Metaphor.
Boy, good thing I checked in again. I think I made it clear that I thought it a safe assumption our OP (original poster) was a LOT closer to realizing his goal than Bilam, for all the positive reasons one could think of.
To Heshy: let me publicly ask you mechila if you felt at all dissed.
(The only reason I referenced Bilam was that I couldn’t help but think of his wish to die like the righteous, without having to do the hard work. Maybe I should have thrown in a few more lines of “lehavdil.” And my thinking that maybe he might not be here again…yeah, a century’s a long time to live, but still not enough time to hang here too much. And sorry if that offended anyone.)
If you’re going to walk the walk, I doubt you’ll be appearing here again. Lehavdil, please don’t think I’m comparing you to Bilam but you know how he wanted to die like the righteous? You have to live like the righteous. I’m sure you’re a lot closer than Bilam though. Hatzlacha!
And a P.S. One way to do it is to make yourself as needed by the klal as you possibly can.
Realisticguy: hatzlacha. Leaving aside dina demalchus dina, I think that if Rabbeinu Gershom could come back to life if only to consider and consult about renewing the cherem he would do so in a heartbeat as we are no readier for polygamy than we were in his time.
AZ: my contribution to ameliorating the shidduch crisis also includes raising mentschen and hopefully, when I get there, not being a crazy mother of sons. I think that the societal issues are as important a part of the pie as the demographics.
BDE.
There are many excellent sefarim. It’s interesting, I’ve seen this in a few families, that different siblings will get a different psak for questions (e.g. a relative who got married during sheloshim, one brother shaved, one didn’t, they had to come to a concensus about where to sit, etc.).
You need, and should have a rav. This is uncharted territory for everyone, and not just the first time they go through it, years can pass and people get rusty (not a bad thing; I hope you don’t go through this again for many years).
I feel terrible for all of you who have ongoing poor or non-existent relationships with your non-custodial parent. And divorce is never easy on the kids – the build up and transition are always going to be tough.
But doesn’t anyone out there know healthy children of divorce? I do. There are people who manage to do right by their kids.
I’ll second, third or whatever – NO REMEDIES.
Ask your dr. if it’s ok to try Celestial Seasoning’s Tension Tamer tea, even it’s all in your head.
All the good advice other people gave you.
Try to get a mother’s helper. If possible, give YOURSELF a time out with a book, deep breathing, crossword puzzle, etc.
Remote possibility but ask your dr. to test your thyroid.
Wow. That ended quick. I guess this really is a decaffeinated forum.
Could be quiet because we don’t know what tzuhitst means. (“You hit”?)
I shouldn’t have used the word good. There are many different types of good kids and good aspirations. I meant, girls who want, like Tcharna in This is America, a lamdan, vs. boys who are the genuine article.
I would just like to say that while I have reservations I’m not antagonistic. I truly appreciate that shadchanim aren’t being paid enough, that they are working l’sheim shamayim, and all that goes with this.
It’s just such a chaval that their job is so much harder. There are many societal issues that are making it harder, lunacy in the investigation process (what size dress does the bubbe wear), expectations, yes, the demographics of more girls to boys, and I could go on. We have to start addressing this too. Bring some sanity to the world. Let mothers know that they are making themselves sound like poor future MIL material. Figure out why there are more good girls than boys. (And I have to say, there are many people dealing with this – kol hakavod to them.)These are just some examples of what we parents have to do NOW to restore some sanity and ehrlichkeit to the process.
(Note: this rant doesn’t even mention support. We can go there later.)
Leaving aside the fears that an unscrupulous (or may not unscrupulous, we’re all human) shadchan might push kids to date beyond the point they should, I can’t help but think of Yonasan Rosenblum’s comment on appeals to help the boys in Japan, along these lines: yes, it’s a terrible situation, and yes it’s a big mitzvah, and isn’t it amazing how we all band together like this…BUT WHY DID WE HAVE TO GET TO THIS POINT IN THE FIRST PLACE?? (My caps, not his.)
I’d do what asyyeger said, or catch someone’s attention, wave, etc.
You might like Rabbi Reisman’s motzei Shabbos shiur of last week on just this subject.
Hey, welcome innocentdeceptions.
Do you have plans for another book or series?
About the ninth grade library: I would say no. An individual parent can decide to let he daughter read it but I don’t think the school should spend the money on it. This differs from the Holocaust, true events that happened, and written up in a productive framework.
I realize that there is a school of thought that says, let the school get it, let our kids read it, better this stuff than the YA wasteland at the public library. But some books just need to be read with the parents being aware that the child is reading it so they can discuss it. This series is fairly decently written but disturbing. In the first book, Innocent Deceptions, not a single deception was innocent. In this book there is, if imaginable, even more dysfunction, extensive description of addiction and exposure to the workings of AA, a very disturbing relationship based on a child bearing a name of an ancestor who’d been through is own gehennom and didn’t fully transcend it, and much more.
I don’t think any school library wants to get this and open the can of worms that won’t be opened from your typical soap opera or poorly edited and translated stuff. OTOH, I don’t think a parent who “lets” (because we know kids read stuff we don’t “let” them) her older high school girl read it is being derelict.
Pity I just found out about this to miss spreading the word. Was there discussion about SCD?
And to knowsitall: talk to your doctor. Maybe scoping’s in order.
Dr. Peter Hauri has a pretty good book called No More Sleepless Nights.
I assume there aren’t any other physical symptoms, like weight loss, rapid digestion, tremors? These and more could indicate hyperthyroidism. (Despite what drs push, the best treatment is not nuking the thyroid and leaving a patient hypo for life but anti thyroid drugs.)
http://www.digestivewellness.com has a tape of a gathering for Crohn’s, with doctors and a rav who spoke, from personal experience, but I don’t remember his name.
I thought ambidextroses meant people who like all kinds of sugar.
Never mind. I don’t belong.
For SCD info check out http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.com . There is also a business called Digestive Wellness with prepared kosher SCD legal food; there are people there who mentor, though it may cost. There are egroups such as longislandscd and kosherscd (sorry I don’t have more details); I’m sure there’s probably a decent yahoo group for general IBD talk.
ECHO might be helpful to find good doctors.
Sure he (or she) has where to go – all the groups and organizations promoting SCD, for starters.
There are also numerous support groups, on line and in real life, for IBD.
Presumably one got such a dx from his/her GI; what does the GI have to say? (And how does one find a GI? By talking to people with IBD, organizations such as ECHO, etc.)
Feif un, the rabbanim said not to give ANYTHING? Not even a smaller donation than usual?
A23, doesn’t he need to ripen a bit?
Sure. Doesn’t Miriam Adahan have a book on this?
Daas Yochid, thanks for the info. Apparently it’s as easy as clicking on a link to try to contact Dr. Miller. (And that’s cool, I was wondering if it was the same person. I remember him from NCSY [open to the public] concerts in the seventies.)
“Aishes Chayil,” the ONLY, and I mean ONLY reason you would have a snowball’s chance in gehinnom at being allowed to post such a thing is IF you contacted ALL the schools and heard, from people in authority, that they weren’t allowing the name Gilad ben Aviva on their lists and why. Oh, and IF, after that, you contacted a rav and asked if the correct course of action to drum up support would be to go the coffee room and post what you did.
Yes, you DO have to call them if you feel a need to rant in such a forum.
And guess what. You don’t have to send your kids to those schools.
Mamashtakeh, thumbs up. We say the words matir assurim a few times a day, a good time to have in mind all those imprisoned (yes, Alan Gross too, of course). There’s also a Tehillim sign up for Gilad ben Aviva at http://www.cholimlist.org .
You might be scaring people off; they may think you’re talking tires.
It is menschlich to buy something. I don’t know where you live, maybe there’s a dept. store that does this knowing the girls will not spend big or become regular customers but that they will spend something.
And caveat emptor: you may not like how it’s done. You really want to go for something subtle.
I think fix-it-up’s issue is having to spend so much for a kid to feel in, and the impression that the gashmiyus emphasis in E”Y (or lack of it) would be a breath of fresh air.
Moving to E”Y with kids of a certain age is very very complicated. You can probably google JO articles, I think one written by Rabbi Kuber, and a Mishpacha article by Rabbi Berkowitz. (IIRC in the latter article Rabbi Berkowitz stressed not fighting city hall and toeing the line.) I don’t want to belabor this because of “ureh b’tuv Yerushalayim.” I don’t know if the same applies to Lakewood, but certainly basic laws of shmiras halashon bashing any group of Jews applies.
So a)tread carefully and b)consider out of town.
AZ, re your most recent point 2 (results astounding, soon to be rolled out across the country): alluding to a plan, telling people to contact NASI, etc., not spelling things out is not the discussing you offered earlier.
Always assume there are newbies out there who haven’t familiarized themselves with the archives.
Have a great Shabbos.
Canine, thanks for the words in bold.
And yes, a second income is necessary but if the husband starts working sooner rather than later (wouldn’t it be interesting to see the learner/earner concept expanded….) there is less pressure on the wife and she may be able to work part time.
Mikehall, I’m not going to go there but I will say that they’re not so pashut for kids who haven’t been through the feeder school systems, who are being addressed here. And they’re pricey, too.
To the original posters: may I suggest you edit it to hashkafa rather than mussar?
There was a LOT written in the 80s – JO, Jewish Women’s Outlook, an Artscroll anthology called From Hearth to Home or something like that (culled from the 80s, mostly) – that just seems so quaint and precious now. Younger women I’ve talked to aren’t getting the same messages their mothers did in school, about the ideal of being home, how we should feel as privileged as the cohanim who cleaned the BHM”K, etc., or if they’re hearing it not necessarily in a way to internalize it and feel good about it.
Not knocking the books, just saying that tapes/CDs may do much more since I don’t know what you could find written in the last ten years.
Not exactly what you want but the Our Lives series was nice.
AZ, I’m heartened to hear that you’re willing to discuss the solutions. Does that mean we get details or just teasers?
Eh, we’re all mutts. (No offense, canine.)
So going back to the original poster et al, in addition to coed classes, are you also willing to put up with sex ed, science, etc. (you’ll just love the lit choices, I’m sure) that the system will provide?
Mazel tov!
Nothing to add but may you all stay close and share many simchos together!
cshapiro, you and your friends are very impressive. I would say that for this book, it’s really good to have a mentor, especially if Breslov isn’t your derech. If you can get such instant feedback that’s great.
observanteen, I don’t know about you but you know why I’m an FFB? Because my grandparents made a conscious decision to be shomer Shabbos and keep simcha in their house. You know how easily I could have been something else, had my granparents made other decisions re Shabbos, or stayed in Europe a little longer and maybe fled to Communist Russia and survived but where would I be…
I’m just grateful they did what they did, made my life easier and richer. And I just treat every BT as a victory; they’re as much a symbol of Jewish continuity and hope as the babies Dr. Gisi Perl delivered after the war (you must know that famous story).
I don’t think that there isn’t enough investment in the frum community as much as that the energy that’s been invested hasn’t been effective. Now that’s something worth looking into. If you’re not getting the chinuch your soul needs in school, try to get enriched out of school. Check out sites like torahanytime.
Hatzlacha!
The “whom”‘s impressive but one, or possibly both, of those tos is superfluous.
If E”Y, try MASA, your local federation and chapter of the ZOA.
You probably won’t be able to apply till you get in though. Hatzlacha!
The overall context was how true nekama is seeig real justice come, without any negios on our parts, and how we have to be “klal Yisrael fans”, promoting our interests in the purest way, with achdus. (Maybe I’m extrapolating a bit, those last few words.)
Refuah shleima!
I don’t know what the circumstances are but have you exhausted the allopathic options? Are you looking for alternative or complementary care?
Hey New, I checked in because this was titled crises and I was wondering just how many you were going to be talking about.
Seriously, last night Rabbi Reisman mentioned how we need to be davening, and davening hard; the ramifications are scary.
It sounds like a very viable option.
Seminaries everywhere are expensive, even in the states if parents have to send their kids out of town and just miss qualifying for gov’t aid. (I heard some people explaining how Israeli seminaries cost next to nothing for them because of the various grants specifically for Israeli sems, they qualify for gov’t aid and even insurance help, etc.) Sem is a worthwhile investment IMO and I think your daughter will gain immeasurably. As I said, this seems like a fine option for her.
Now about coming home 4x a year: do ALL the girls really do that? Do some stay, and spend the time with friends’ families? I have a hunch more than a few girls do and they don’t feel at all nebby about that.
Hatzlacha!
I didn’t check it out but honestly, I don’t think you want to posit yourself as a frum Drudge because to me that insinuates exposes and sleaze. I’m not going there.
I hope you get input and support from the pros. But here’s one lay idea:
When kids go off these days often they don’t just leave Yiddishkeit, they leave productive living. If he’s still focused, e.g. school, responsible at a job, endorse him for that, and any act of mentchlichkeit you see. Everyone needs that but IMO especially kids these days who may feel like a gornisht.
Iy”H all you girls SHOULD have a choice. For many girls, it’s amazing to get into ONE of the sems they applied to, in which case the choice has been made. Hatzlacha!
Reading the title and trying to figure out, uncle’s and aunt’s what?
I doubt Hamodia is trying to trounce Ami, et al, as much as boost their circulation. I hope subscription prices won’t go up; they are keeping the new inserts non-glossy which should help.
But if people are willing to pay what they are for the weekly magazines, this new approach is quite understandable.