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whatever choice someone makes, with his doctor’s advice, should be respected.
“Rav Dovid Weinberger Shlit”a mentioned cellphones as another cause of divorce. People pay more attention to their machines than to their spouses. Or people are taking care of their kids and instead of giving them attention, are on the phone with or texting someone else. Kids need personal attention.”
You’ll get no argument from me on this one.
Elliot, if you have to ask that, then you are probably guilty of doing so. if you are on a date, THAT is where your mind should be, and not on the millions of chashuveh people just dying to contact you during those two or three hours. People who cannot let go of their phones even to potentially meet their basherts, are just acting like jerks. And believe me, no girl will want to go out twice with a guy who embarrasses her by taking repeated calls, unless he is a brain surgeon on call (in which case he should never have made a date for that night). This goes both ways, too. Girls have no business being ont he phone either. I have a friend who is always checking her e-mail and texting when she is with me, and I have stopped socializing with her on a regular basis, because after nicely asking her to stop, she continues to do this. IT IS VERY RUDE and it tells the other person that you really don’t care about their feelings!No one is so important that he must be reached 24/7, unless, as I said, he is a brain surgeon (or if chalilah there is a family emergency).
amein.
Jothar, respectfully, I know this Rov and his wife, and you do not have an entire picture. I also am familiar with many of the people he has counseled, some of whom are divorced one case being where the wife worked WITH her husband. Not everything is as glatt as you believe. Leave it at that.It is very easy to blame “modern” things on fundamental problems of making shidduchim for the wrong reasons. I personally believe that this is the reason we have such a problem today.
Women have been in the work force for many many decades, working alongside of men. People have been machnisei orchim for HUNDREDS of years, and we did not see this problem the way we see it today. It is naive to think that those two factors are why so many people are behaving immorally, or getting divorced. it is far more likely that people are getting married too quickly, becoming disillusioned with what they were conditioned to think, and then thinking there is something better out there. Whether they are right or wrong about that, that is what they are thinking, and I know that for a fact from the many women who have confided in me in my own line of work (though they are not behaving in an improper manner, just are very unhappy in their marriages).
I agree with Bemused in that people sometimes become disappointed with their own lives and spouses when they see what is out there, but that can happen anywhere and at any time. If we are so worried about the workplace, then perhaps our Jewish daughters ahould not be working outside the home to support their husbands. But as long as we are teaching them that this is their role, rather than the one that Hashem designed “Kirtzono,” we will have women who eventually come to be dissatisfied with their lives. You may disagree,a s is your right, but it does not change the facts.
MM, sometimes people talk themselves into a relationship for many, many reasons (often the number 1 reason is that one’s friends are all getting engaged and married). Thankfully, they realize in time that though someone is nice, NICE is aimply not a reason to get married. One has to look at that person’s face across the table for 50 years or more, G-d willing, so it had better be someone with whom one wants to spend his or her lifetime.
Complete knowledge is NOT yet out there (how can it be – the swine flu is relatively recent). It is a leap of faith, and some are not yet prepared to take it. Why think of them negatively? They are erring on the side of caution, doctors included. Once that vaccine is in you, whatever its ramifications will be good or bad, you are stuck with it (pun intended).
And just as many couples who NEVER socialize (that’s probably a major problem of sholom bayis for them, btw) also break up. I am bothered by this “list.” Some of the points the Rov makes (internet filtering and over use of the cellphone)are absolutely on point. But to say outright that the workplace is at fault or inviting friends out to dinner is at fault, is a little misleading. Part of the reason for the rising divorce rate is that we have raised a generation of people who do not know the acceptable and natural, healthy way to interact with each other. If you cannot have a simple conversation with someone of the other gender without it leading to something untzniusdik, then you have not been exposed to the opposite gender in a normal way.
Someone who will fool around in the workplace will ALWAYS find a place to behave in such a disgusting manner. If someone cannot eat a meal with another couple without it leading to something untzniusdik, that says something really scary to me about his upbringing, though I am sure there is a percentage of divorces among the entire population of divorced couples for whom this was an issue.
To point to these specific issues as the cause for the divorce crisis,however, is a little unrealistic, IMO. Maybe the present shidduch system and rush to an early engagement with someone one barely knows, and rushing further to an even quicker chuppah, is the REAL reason behind all these divorces. Our young couples are getting married for the wrong reasons to the wrong people, and with unrealistic expectations that have been drummed into them in seminary. The girls have stars in their eyes thinking of the wonderful N’shei Chayil Kollel wives they will be, and after the third baby in as many years, with no real independent parnassah on the horizon except for what the wives bring in, the disillusionment is devastating. And if we can be non-emotional for the moment and be honest with ourselves, maybe some of us will realize that what I just said is true. Not pleasant to hear, but true, nonetheless.
Arc, lack of knowledge is PRECISELY the reason why so many doctors are not yet giving a thumbs up to this vaccine. If there were sufficient knowledge of a positive nature, we would all be vaccinated by now. Lack of knowledge does not = ignorance. Not int he way that is being implied. Scientists in the mnedical community also lack sufficient knowledge about this vaccine. It is too new to have provided us with knowledge of its long-term ramifications.
Depending on what’s wrong, keep visits short, don’t talk TOO much, but be upbeat. If the person can eat anything at all, bake or bring some yummy food for him or her, maybe bring a book or magazine. Ask what errands you can run for the patient (PLEASE do not say, “let me know if you need anything,” or “What can I do to help?” Tell them you are running to the grocery or pharmacy and ask what they need from there. Offer to drive their carpool (if any), pick up their dry-cleaning, throw in a load of laundry for them. Having been a recent patient recovering from surgery, I can tell you that many well-meaning people phrased their offers to help as a “let me know,” statement. Most people, myself included, are not going to want to bother anyone. Just show up with groceries and offer to drive them somewhere if they need to go. That is way more helpful than an ambiguous, generic, let me know if you need anything.
No new side effects? What about the muscle paralysis that some have gotten? And no one is claiming Thalidomide was a vaccine – just that it was given routinely to women as something supposedly beneficial and the devastating side effects were not known until after the babies were born. A drug is a drug is a drug. Some are harmless, but others cross the placenta and cause great harm. Since we do not yet know if the and how the swine flu vaccine might affect pregnant women, I would be hesitant to give it out. And since we also do not know the long-term effects on the rest of the population, I amw ith my doctor on this one. Int he emantime, I am buying out the Purell hand sanitizer.
This is such a tragedy for this family. the baby is till fighting for her life. I don’t know the details of what happened. B”H we rarely hear of childbirth tragedies, and may we never hear of them.
“My concerns are that G-d forbid we should not be in a situation as in 1959 with the Thalidomide vaccine which was also rushed onto the market and hailed as a wonder drug. “
That is EXACTLY what I posted. We are on the same page here. I don’t know why more people are not concerned about its safety,at this early stage. In any case, it is a choice people make. I had the flu twice last year (regular varieties) and I was very sick for several months on and off. I still would not rush to get the H1N1 vaccine.
I do recommend that everyone follow the safety guidelines for cold prevention, wash the hands, wash, the hands. wash the hands, keep Purell sanitizing hand wash nearby and in your car. Spray your telephone and doorknobs with Lysol and take zinc, vitamin c, and echinachea. I started to come down with a cold which I caught from my baby ainekel, just prior to having my surgery. Had I become ill with what this typically would become, they would have cancelled. I really doctored myself (went to the doc actually, but he said he couldn’t do anything), took the aforementioned vitamins and minerals through the day, and what normally would turn into a two week “chasunah” was with me two days and I was fine, B”H.
“Oomis: refuah shleimah!”
Thanks so much Tzippi. I am B”H on the mend.
To respond to NY Mom : The thalidomide comparison IS a valid one, in relation to the H1N1 vaccine. We do not yet know the effects of this vaccine on a first trimester pregnancy.The docs in the 50s thought thalidomide was a miracle drug for pregnancy nausea. That is, until the babies of the mothers who took it, were born. I am leery of any possible teratogenic effects that could occur before this vaccine has had sufficient study. It is not exactly like every other flu vaccine, because the disease is more dangerous than most typical strains of flu. It stand to reason that the vaccine to prevent it could be more virulent, as well. My doc will not give it.
“That’s what my aynakal calls the two white things in her mouf”
LOL!
There is not only a stigma that is problematic – often GOOD therapists will not accept someone’s health insurance, i.e. GHI. For someone who truly needs help, that is a devastating expense to bear, among all his other problems. I also believe very strongly that bad therapy is worse than NO therapy.
There is absolutely no issur to do this, but there is something to be said for following family minhagim. On the other hand, many people adopt minhagim when they get married, that were not their family minhagim. Different strokes for different folks.
It is never acceptable (unless one has an ill family member or someone is going into labor) to speak on your cell phone on a date. Turn it off if you can or leave it silent. You can always check your messages when you go to the restroom, if it is so urgent. Never let the other person feel your phone is more important than the date. My daughter had an eye-opening experience, with a guy who took every call he got. The fellow was over 30 at the time, and it is clear why he is to this day still unmarried. He was VERY rude. No one is that important unless he is a doctor, that he MUST talk on the phone every time it rings. And that goes for the girls, as well. You’re on a date, BE on a date!
Jothar, did that really HAPPEN??????? OY! That reminds me of a joke I heard (though what you told over is not funny), that a stranger came to a rabbi and told him he would give him a really huge donation to the shul if the rabbi would make him a Kohein. The rabbi explained that he couldn’t do this, but the man kept persisting. Finally the rabbi asked him why was it so important for him to be a kohein. the man replied, “My father’s father was a Kohein and my father was a kohein. So I want to be a Kohein, too!”
Willi – You are waiting for your guy to propose (are you a female, if not then nevermind) and you are wondering willi or won’t he?
You can’t really have that, Pookie, because everyone’s own poseik might pasken differently from this Rabbi, so WHOSE hashkofa would be acceptable to all? If you mean to have an Ask the Rabbi feature for topics of general and non-disputable interest, then that would be very interesting.
I also do not necessarily agree that this site is not good for a person new to frumkeit. I only think that the potential for harm lies in the judgmentalism that crops up from time to time, which might make such a person feel uncomfortable in expressing an honest opinion, out of fear of being called an am haaretz or worse. I think a spirited exchange of ideas among frum people, is a good thing for the most part. And the perspective of a newly-frum person can be a terrific mirror for us all.
“Just to note, we did tell the guy that we weren’t from around there, and had driven quite a bit to get to his restaurant. It was pretty obvious he won’t get much business from us in the future. “
All the more to the guy’s credit. I have been turned away by restaurants that were closing (extremely EARLY, BTW) at 8 PM. or had a private party booked that was renting the entire restaurant. Whatever the reason for someone going that extra mile, if it is done with a smile when they might not feel like smiling, then I will continue to give them my business, or at the very least, recommend them to others who WILL hire them.
Anon, I totally believe in the idea of giving tzedaka, as a shmira memaves. I am sure it saved my own life recently.
The segula which I mentioned, has been around in my neighborhood over thirty years. I first heard of it when I was pregnant with my oldest child, and pooh-poohed it as an old wives’ tale. I had the MOST horrendous labor and delivery (went into labor on Yom Kippur early afternoon, and delivered the next morning after 20 hours of back labor).
The next time I was due to give birth again, I decided to try the segula, and did so when I was in my ninth month. That labor was short and sweet, as was every one thereafter. Did the segula help? Who knows? But as the saying goes, it couldn’t hoit!
One caveat, however, and it is really important. Do NOT do this if 2) you have not asked your doctor if you can still go into hot water – and if you go, make the experience short, so as to avoid prolonged raising of your body temp and 2) if you are dilating at all or your water is leaking, which can leave the baby vulnerable to infection and it also means labor is imminent, even if it is just the beginning of the ninth. Try to be the first one in the mikvah, also. There is NO prep required for this tevila, whatsoever – it is not a miztvah and there is no bracha. Just say to Hashem what you want when you are in the water, an
Your story reminded me of the time we made Sheva Brachos for my niece at Cho-Sen Islands in the Five Towns, and because several key members of the chosson’s family were delayed on the road, we started dinner much later than the expected time. Consequently, we finished eating much later than anticipated, as well,way past the restaurant’s closing time. The owner could not have been more gracious and professional, and he was not getting paid extra for the overtime. His waiting staff continued to serve us past their expected work time, with a smile. Whatever they might have thought or felt privately, in no way did they make us feel rushed. We, too, did not deliberately linger, but neither were we able to speed through dinner, either. And I mention their name, because the owner treated us like royalty, though I am sure he and his staff were very tired from a long day.
Oh, I dunno. Maybe they could get a job babysitting, as I did, or tutor.
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I don’t know if millions of doses have been given out or not, but even if they have, we do not (yet) know what the longterm side effects of this vaccine may be. It is not like the typical flu. When I was hospitalized recently, I overheard nurses talking about their concern that they were being forced to take the vaccine. I asked my doc for it, but neither he nor most doctors in the neighborhood are willing to give it yet, and they will not assure us that it is safe.
In the 1950s, pregnant women were given a drug called thalidomide, which calmed their nausea. A statistically significant large number of those women gave birth to babies with horrible deformities, having limbs either missing entirely or foreshortened, as well as other malformations. All their doctors thought they were doing the right thing at the time. The H1N1 vaccine is relatively new and there has not been sufficient time for a thorough follow up at this point. It is a gamble, according to the people with whom I have spoken. I sincerely hope that none of my doctor’s patients, myself included, come down with this illness. But I have to also believe that if my doctor is so concerned, there is a valid reason for that. Meanwhile, I just had major surgery, and I cannot even take a REGULAR flu shot yet, much less a swine flu one.
“To Oomis,
Sorry, I don’t believe you. Since you have a chezkas kashrus- please post their names and numbers so I can contact them and re-educate them.”
Frankly and respectfully, I do not need for you to believe me. My personal physician will not give the H1N1 to his patients AT THIS POINT, until several tens of thousands of doses have proved to be safe. He says the jury is still out, and he is not normally so conservative. My husband’s doc (not the same as mine) said the same thing. My kids’ pediatricians (there are several docs in the practice) likewise will not vaccinate my grandchildren, though they have already given the regular flu shot to them.
BTW, I could not post names and numbers if I wanted to. This is an anonymous forum.
Much mazel tov and nachas to all!
I think that many people turn here for advice bedavka because it is an anonymous forum. If a question is an halachic one, it should absolutely be addressed to the person’s Rov. BUT – not every single thing is an halachic issue, in spite of the numerous opinions to the contrary, and not every Rov is able to give credible advice in every matter (non-halachic). If someone is having a problem with a child, maybe someone ELSE on this forum experienced something similar and has a good aitzah that worked for them. Believe it or not, there are some very wise people in the CR, and whether or not you hashkafically see eye to eye, there is a fountain of great advice from which to draw. And I repeat, lest there be any misunderstanding – for halachic problems ALWAYS check with you rov.
“but the number 40 in terms of pple, do you know a mekor? “
So many mystical events took place in Jewish history, or are connected to matters that are of a supra-natural (not supernatural) essence involving the number 40, that I suppose that is why the number was chosen by those who ascribe to it some koach. I would think that the number 8 would be likewise thought of in that way. I have no mekor for this, it is simply something that I have observed in my community.
And the answer to the question – well, what happens if the desired result is not achieved? Firstly, Hashem works on His cheshbon and timetable, not ours. And second, we are still showing hishtadlus and being pro-active in some manner. Can it ever be BAD for forty women to be mafrish challah on the same day and make a bracha on this MITZVAH of taking challah, in the hope that in zechus of doing the mitzvah with a united mindset that it will accrue to the benefit of one who is too sick to do the mitzvah herself? Is it neged halacha for a woman to go into a mikvah when she is pregnant, so that she feels a level of kedusha (much as does a man who is toveil regularly and has NO achrayus to ever do so and is not mevareich when he goes to the mikvah) so she goes into labor with a more positive mindset? The mind is a powerful tool. If one believes that her actions will lessen her difficulty in labor, that mindset alone will help her somewhat.
And if a childless woman has to go to the mikvah ANYWAY, does it HURT her in any way to go in after a pregnant woman? How many women get pregnant after adopting a baby? There is a sound medical reason for this well-documented phenomenon. Perhaps a similar type of relaxation (mentally, and therefore also physically) occurs when a woman truly believes that she might become pregnant doing this segulah. And if it does not work, she can always say, it was not meant to be at this time. It doesn’t take away from her approaching the mitzvah of tevilah with even more kavannah than usual.
Even our chachomim believed in the koach of talismans, cameos, and amulets. I personally never understood this, it seems like l’havdil elef havdalos a form of A”Z, but what do I know?
Many pregnant women are nohagos to go to the mikvah when they enter their ninth month, as a segulah for an easier labor and delivery. There are also women who are trying to become pregnant (but so far not successful at reaching that aim), who go into the mikvah on their leil tevilah, as the next tvilah after a ninth month pregnant woman has gone in. It takes some coordination of mikvah nights with the pregnant woman making herself available bedavka on the other woman’s leil tevilah, but the ladies are very accommodating. I do not know the origins of these two segulos, but I can tell you for a fact that a woman went into the mikvah after my pregnant daughter-in-law, and she became pregnant with her first child almost immediately. Both of them had boys. Whether or not this has any validity, it is an accepted segulah in my neighborhood.
Another segulah in my neighborhood, is the collective baking of challah by 40 women, in order to be mafrish the challah and make the bracha in the zechus of a cholah.
I have never noticed flirting on this forum; the mods would never let it pass, and someone would be sure to pick up on it and criticize it on the spot, were it to actually escape our eagle-eyed censors. Flirting on an anonymous post is in the eye of the beholder. There is no nuance or any indicator of tone (unless one includes an emoticon of some sort), so I fail to grasp how ANYONE could make such an assumption. We don’t even know for sure what each other’s genders are, we only have it on the word of each poster. haifagirl could easily be a 70 year old guy (I don’t think so, really, but anything is possible), and joseph could just as easily really be Josephine. WE DON’T KNOW for an absolute certainty. So all this talk of flirting is really absurd in my opinion, and those who think it is present here in the CR, are reading into things that are not there.
Just say no? That’s your idea, basically. Never happen. The will and impulse to smoke is so strong that people who are literally on their deathbeds from lung cancer will beg for a smoke, even as they choke to death. never underestimate the power that this holds over those who are addicted to it. Even the Rabbonim who smoke, can’t give it up.
too long…. 🙂
OYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
I echo the words of working and haifagirl. I had surgery two weeks ago, and I never failed to express my appreciation to the hospital staff for every little thing they did for me. Consequently, though they were professional with all their patients, they were especially helpful in a timely manner for me. I wrote the CFO of the hospital a letter to inform him of my gratitude for the excellent care I had received during the few days that I was hospitalized, and I made sure to name the names of all the medical staff who had taken care of me. hakoras hatov is a powerful thing. As my Rov said in a drosha one Shabbos, if we cannot show hakoras hatov to the people who do limited chessed for us, how can we ever show proper hakoras hatov to Hashem Yisborach, who does infinite acts of chessed for us every single day?
Every doctor to whom I have spoken about this has said he will not give the H1N1 vaccine out yet. The “jury is still out” on its long-term safety, and as long as that is an issue, I would not indiscriminately give it out. It is not exactly like any typical flu shot, and enough people have not yet been given the shot and then studied for both its efficacy and safety, for doctors to make an informed judgment about it. Maybe it is a godsend, or maybe it will turn out to be another thalidomide catastrophe, causing permanent disastrous side effects in its users.
You should be leery, Mod 80. This thread ALWAYS gets us into a pickle.
l’chvod HaRav
“Why, who will stay home and bake the cookies?”
The one who LIKES to bake cookies.
If we cannot learn from Avraham and Sarah, who not only always opened their home to guests, but in fact always opened them to STRANGERS, then we have learned nothing about the mitzvah of Hachnossas Orchim.
” people today are more immature than they used to be”
And that, IMO, is because some of our kids are being infantilized and over-protected from the outside world, while at the same time forced to date in an unrealistic manner and get married before they are ready to assume the responsibilities of married life.
Wolf, I don’t think the OP was kidding. I think he or she might be a little unrealistic to think there is any type of solution to the “problem,” because our kids must learn to live in THIS world, no matter what their hashkafa may be. We cannot sequester our kids forever, and the only way they can strengthen themselves against the outside world, is to be innoculated with a little bit of it. If that means traveling in public transportation, so be it. The train transport of ONLY Jews, at one time in history, had far worse ramifications than standing on a bus with non-Jews, while trying to get to and from Yeshivah
Bein Hasedorim said EXACTLY what I was thinking. Lech Lecha just cries out to form a perfect D”T for a chosson and kallah. Great P’shat, Bein Hasedorim!
Anon, my doc told me when on a certain antibiotic (Can’t remember which, sorry) not to drink grapefruit juice because it lowers the efficacy of the dose.
I am with Squeak and Pashuteh Yid. They both made very rational points.
If I have to listen to church bells early on Sunday morning, the non-Jews can listen to the siren for 30 seconds late Friday afternoon.
Taking anibiotics for a “simple” cold will not help. Viruses do not respond to antibiotics. If one has a condition requiring antibiotics, then by definition there is nothing “simple” about that cold. It is either a sinus, ear, throat or upper respiratory infection, and may require the intervention of an antibiotic. The problemis that many people take antibiotics incorrectly, do not follow instructions to the letter, eat or drink something that renders the antibiotic ineffective (such as grapefruit juice in many cases), or do not take ALL of the medication ebcause they strat to feel better. This sets them up for a relapse with an antibiotic-resistant strain of bacterial infection.
Pudding trifle, or my daughter’s Better than Drake’s or Entenmann’s coffee cake (and it’s PAREVE!)
I wonder what Avraham Avinu would say.