Forum Replies Created
October 10, 2017 7:00 pm at 7:00 pm in reply to: What’s the proper time for a bochur to daven shacharis during bein hazemanim? #1380005
(I’m wondering if there a message that u call me
ballabuste – gender change?)
Telling a bochur not to take things to an extreme
by davening shachris -is appropriate.
Giving him a chance to choose his minyan time is
giving him breathing room.
As a parent on must loosen the reins but not let go so that
it drags on the floor.
PS which Chazal are you referring to? I’m surprised there is such a chazal.
There is one saying to maintain discipline. (Chosech shivto sosoneh beno )
One must maintain loose reins to stimulate growth yet
maintain at least 1% pressure to prevent weeds.October 9, 2017 12:13 pm at 12:13 pm in reply to: What’s the proper time for a bochur to daven shacharis during bein hazemanim? #1379432
That where one would exercise parental authority.
And if one never enforced anything then one is creating
A problem.October 9, 2017 11:19 am at 11:19 am in reply to: What’s the proper time for a bochur to daven shacharis during bein hazemanim? #1379345
I approach it rather simply.
I ask my kid/bochur to tell me what time are you davening tomorrow.
Then I hold him to it. Even it’s 930- as long as he has a zman. (Of course as long as it’s not a farce such as -I don’t know how about 1145)
And as long as he has a one hour Chavrusa somewhere in the day.
Is clearly inconsiderate.
The first and easiest thing to do would be the have the same good food by the men as by the ladies.
That’s would do it for me.
There’s a whole spread by the ladies and some loser herring and beef stew.
What were you thinking.February 23, 2016 10:43 pm at 10:43 pm in reply to: which is frummest? football, baseball, basketball or hockey? #1139548
Easy, for being a fan.
Hockey is definitly the most tznius, and they are much less spoiled than baseball or basketball.
You can add football to the mix. (Except for the ad’s by superbowl)
(To Birdsons reply)
Gavra at work;
As for touching the tree, it Adam’s major mistake in telling her not to touch it, and not explaining that G’ said dont eat, and it was his own chumra “not to touch”.
It wasnt her chumra, it was wrongly imposed by Adam.
KFB: You have to admit, that tznius plays a role. The only discussion is finding the limits. (That doesnt mean tznius people cant have achdus.)
Why cant a girl be an actress or police officer.
I dont like the answer; be refined.
Leave my “refinment” and “dignity” for me to deal with.
Just tell me why not, according to halachah or at least according to minhag or mussar.
PS I hope to find more time to reply.
TO; “No nickname”;
You are making an assumption, and in this case completely entirely wrong.
(Btw; you had no right to assume this as probable fact. Unless this is your particular case, in which case i strongly apologize)
1) This father used to tuck this girl to bed – with a story- for 5 years.
2) Why would teens be afraid of getting hurt? From an apparently normal father?
THIS IS WRITTEN TO ALL THE ‘COLUMNISTS’ IN THE MAGS/PAPERS; I frequently see the same assumption made; “You should have been there earlier” FIRST who says he wasn’t? Dont make things up. SECOND; If he wasnt all there- he should be cut out? He’s trying now. (Assuming of course he was a normal father caught up in life. Dont many women complain that husbands are clueless? So it took a few years for the father to catch on).
So smug and wrong of these know it all columnists.
PS toam; thanks for backing me up. 2nd time.
To all you teens and afterteens on this post,
Here’s a quote from this post; (i was also upset because my dad is well able to afford it but chose to ignore my existence when i needed him..)
This passes for many teens, (and my sincere feelings for MOI, who apparently has a more hard core situation than whats considered normal)
Sometime its the dad who feels that way. The only time he exists is when he’s needed (Money, favor, car, cell phone, even homework.) Otherwise he is politely non-existent. Oh they say hello, they say good shabbos, then the father ceases to exist. Even when the dad initiates, its a one sentence mumbled reply, or a snarl if they think its beneath their standards. And asking for input/opinion? Not on your life.
I sometimes wonder; why would teens NOT want a relation when they’re reached out to. Or is it something totally else?
What do you teens or aftereteens feel about this?
Here is a Mashal.
A tavern owner wanted to close his business and no longer deal with the rif-raf.
So he closed the business, but the crowds hang out there demanding their drinks.
So a rebbe advised him;
“did you empty your shelves?” “Yes i did.”
And did you restock with other merchandise?” “No” ansered the chosid”.
Aaah thats the problem; as long as the shelves/space are empty its not enough, you gotta fill them with different merchandise, and they’ll then go elsewhere.
The nimshal is, to get rid of old ‘machsovos/thoughts” you have to fill the space with new stuff.
Nature abhors a vacum.
Also here is an inspiration.
Ever notice the ‘nun’ is missing in ashrei! Goes straight from mem to samech.
Thats cuz Nun is for ‘noifel’ falling, and everyone falls.
Never the less, the very next posuk is “somech Hashem lchol hanoflim” Hashem picks up all who fall, all you have to do is ask.
As we see in ‘tzetel koton’ Of R’ Elimelch in the prayer before prayer,
we pray so that we should pray well.
In A nutshell? if you’re having problems ( or even if not) say a ‘kapital’ Thillim, and say Hashem just help, i need you, and you can and want to.
And He does.
Can you tell me where i can find R’ Wallerstien speech.
When was it? Maybe i can find it on Torah anytime?
i know exactly what you mean.
its like so final and like totally giving myself over, or like i’m dead?
I’m going to have to try it anyways.
Good point on the daf. I didnt realize it was so bad. I thought joining the daf shiur before minyan was a good thing. Maybe i”ll just say 5 thingies of T’hillim instead.
On the sleeping issue; do you read in bed? Glass of tea?
Do you say Shma in bed or before?
Thanks but i wasnt looking for broches, rather i was looking for input.
What are your procedures? what are you rituals, and how do you prepare for bed?
Also, how important is all this and in what way?
( I know everything is important, but is this more or is it less important than other things?)September 6, 2012 4:56 pm at 4:56 pm in reply to: Need Source for Allowing or Not Allowing Teacher to Confiscate Items #906959
Say i did it;
I dont recall where. If i did i would have quoted. (not everything in one’s memory banks can be automatically recalled as to where it originates.
Yes if he has control over his student’s body (to hit) he has control ovwr his possesions.
And of course if a teacher uses unreasonable force of course he is guilty.
If i remember where i saw this, i’ll write back.September 6, 2012 3:22 am at 3:22 am in reply to: Need Source for Allowing or Not Allowing Teacher to Confiscate Items #906951
I Have personally seen the following Psak.
A teacher who hits a child for good reason and (mistakenly) kills him is P’tur from Golus. Similar to a doctor during surgery, or a court officer who whips within the proper amount.
THEREFORE; since a teacher/rebbe has physical authority over his students, their possessions are forfeit.
So yes the teacher, when acting in good faith- has full right to confiscate and not return.
3)Shabbos; Do something to get his attention. Ask him what his favorite dish is. Even something not on a usual Shabbos menu. Sushi/McNuggets/Chinese. If all fails, make/buy him a cheesecake for next to his cereal. (If you want to really blow him over, set a place for him for his milk and cereal, and leave a smiley note) Pack him a lunch! (Check with your rov re helping him carry outside) Why do I say this, because any connection is healthy.
4) When he leaves at night, there is no reason you cant say; Please be safe; I need you.
Hatzllocha to you and to “imaofthree”.
Write or wrong.
First of all, many many times the parents have an impossible task. King Chizkiyahu himself was foretold by a Novi of Hashem that his grandson will grow up wicked, and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. And he was a righteous and caring powerful king. The grandson? King Menashe!
You could drop a hint that he can come with his friends for Friday night.
Do you love Yiddishkeit? How do you express it? Are you happy?
This is a tough one, but try and give him direction in life without preaching.
Important; Make the home and the Shabbos table a happy and fun place to be.
Please be moichel me if I have offended you.
If you comment I will attempt to reply.
Competition, Competition, Competition.
3 Questions to ask your school;
1) Has anyone monitored how many hours per day/week (assuming she does all thats assigned) your daughter studies, prepares and is busy with school work, including studying on shabbos? And add that to regular school day/week. OVER 50-60 hours per week!
2) what percentage of girls require no outside assistance. That includes resource room, assisted homework room, tutoring of any kind. If its more than 25%, of all girls, that means less than 70-75% of the school is keeeping up! whats wrong with this picture?
3) who is the poisek of your school, (other than the principal who is nogaia bedovor,) that approves this. assuming the board actually was brave /forthright enough to be frank with the rov and advise him.
I CHALLENGE ANY PARENT TO FIND OUT AND ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.
PS did you know that rabbi Matisuhu Solomon wrote in his own sefer, that giving homework is wrong!! (anyone want the page number, tell me) Why arent we following Daas Torah?
WHO DARES TO ANSWER.
First to Doodle #2,
The answer to your comment is; if my family would be involved then i would be doing irrational/unacceptable things. just like the father of the victim can not be the presiding judge.
My comment; there is a clear haloche that we do not purchase stolen t’fillin or sefer torah for more than its market value- otherwise we are encouraging theft of these items.
Similarly we do not redeem captives for more than the market value of a corresponding slave for the same reason- not to encourage copy-cats and repeats.
The burden of proof rests on the other side to explain why these restrictions do not apply here.
Hashem should cause the speedy return of Gilad Shalit, safely.
1) Am i being serious? I dont know- are you being intelligent?
2) 4′ (feet) is narrow- ya; i dont see any specs in the question. And it doesnt take much imagination to make the sukkah 8×8 instead of 8×4. the only spec was ‘easy’.
3)3/4″ plywood. where did you get that figure from? Of course its heavy. Get a 1/4″ for one-time and a 5/8 for yeaar to year.
4) Splintering? So what- the only criteria was ‘simple’.
5)Door; good point; Clarification – one of the panels should be on a hinge instead of an ‘L’ brace. Then you can add an eye-hook on the other side.
6)Will require tools – So? are screwdrivers dangerous? Putting a screw into wood sounds simple.
7) Protruding screw ends; they sell screws in various sizes.
PS two days before yom-kippur – you should be a bit more polite.
1) Buy 6 sheets of plywood. (4 FEET X 8 FEET)
Stand them up for walls Walls; 1 x2 x1 x2.
2) Connect them with angle thingies (and straight ones) .
3) Get 4 2×4 put them on top of sukkah, and lay out schach on top.
Remind me not to get involved on this site.
WHo twisted your knickers in a knot?
1) I said shadchan OR some other formality, im in middle of a report and dont recall the exact procedure required.
2) The gmora uses the terminology of “found her in the market” and did what he did. who ever thought they did it in the street/ OBVIOUSLY they moved indoors.
3) Shadchan IS mentioned. It is ‘savlan’, and the gmora and choshen mishpat discuss the details of how much they get paid. divided into starter middle and close’r. (Does he get a save? lol)
4) why are you gratuitously denigrating how much i did or did not learn. (YOU SAY; “I did not see any other Places, nor did i see this gmora”) Are you a talmid chochem/kollel/yeshiva bochur?
is this where torah leads you?
5) Finally, i did not dismiss anyone else’s learning. i merely expressed my point of view. Apparently it was too much for you.
Have a nice life.
Allow me to clarify.
Especisally the G’mora Kiddushin issue.
I am addressing the issue of dating without a shadchan, and not at all the issue of the bar scene. I amm talking about if a specific person is on your radar, do you need to find a ‘shadchan’ or can you go on a formal date without a shadchan. (not just hanging out)
So here is the g’mora.
The issue is as follows, there are 3 formal ways of kedushin
a) Giving money/value/ring. (all the same)
b) Giving a document written; im taking you for a wife. (no money or ring).
3) Doing what married people do, and verbally stating; “with this act we are married”.
In regards to the 3rd method, the g’mora states that if done without a shadchan or some other formality, (i dont recall if ‘T’noim’ are needed,) then Rav gave malkus because it is not appropriate.
And thats the end of the story.
(my personal opin; Music is the most imoprtant.
Many people dont want to come just to be invited- problem cuz then they come.
Make an early chuppah, invite to dinner those you really want yto, plus some almonehs from your shul. (SCHEDULE!! the pics) and then invite the world to dancing.
TO taking a break;
Can i come work or your dad? lolJune 27, 2011 3:25 pm at 3:25 pm in reply to: A third of Litvish families I know, have one or more single daughters 25 and up #909007
I would add, as long as one of the first questions asked is, “how much are they willing to give”, or “how many years will they give”, we have not addressed a major problem.
Doesnt anyone see we have reached a point where boys have a price?
Is this acceptable?
Solve the money demands, and i am convinced a lot more girls will be married.June 27, 2011 3:15 pm at 3:15 pm in reply to: A third of Litvish families I know, have one or more single daughters 25 and up #909005
To Daas Yochid,
I will take issue with you on a number of points; however i will try to do it politely.
1) “You totally miss the point”; it is inaccurate to say i missed the ppoint, when there WAS no point, there was only a statistic stated, without editorial. so everyone has to make their own point. You may disagree, but you should strive to be accurate in your arguments.
3) “you insist on ranting” Please use arguments, not denigration and intimidation.
4) “litvish system, blaming it, and ignoring the facts”. Actually it seems i AM using facts. You may disagree with my correlation, but then i would have liked to see a response to what i said. not to what you are afraid i implied.
7) you haven’t addressed the outrage of young couples after all the cash and benefits are making more than their shver/father, yet they have no problem milking them, and frequently against their will. Ever heard of “seudah sh’ein me’sapekes l’balah”? A fine boy would not accept money from shver/father who struggles to pay his own bills. nor would he allow himself to demand more for himself, than the shver/father earns. Contrary to many kollel couples nowadays.
8) “So you think Rabi Akiva was wrong?” Amusing you should choose this example. R’ Akiva took no money from either his shver or father. You did omit other examples, such as all the shoemakers, butchers, and wine merchants in the g’mora.
A) We all know stories of Rosh yeshivas telling boys; “dont settle for less than x amount of dollars”. Doesnt the gmora in Kedushuin say shidduchim based on money is bad for the children?
B) Will the next thread inquire why so many litvisher go off the derech? (yes chasidish also- but they eventually are more likely to come back)
C) what kind of torah allows a yungerman to squeeze his shver/father?
D) If the father will also be forced to participate then fewer non-learners will be able to force payments.
(I Understand there are many (or perhaps most?)kollel whose parents give willingly. but the twofold pressure is there.
SHIDDUCH QUESTION NUMBER 1; HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE?
So i conclude, you have criticized me, and disagreed with me, but you haven’t responded to what i said.June 26, 2011 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm in reply to: A third of Litvish families I know, have one or more single daughters 25 and up #908984
it pains me to say this, but i am not surprised.
this seems a direct resu;t of the litvish situation.
1) girls are expected to be money makers. (Smell the coffee) so low earning girls are ejected.
2) Women are expected to work, so those who want to raise their children instead of a “goyte” or at best some unsupervised basement daycare, are also not desireable.
3) after the litvish parents demand a “price” for their son the “tachshit’, they are taken aback when the shoe is on the other foot and they have to fork over mega-bucks to marry off their daughter. (to an alleged mega-masmid)
4) many litvish multi year kollel families were supported by grandparents, it was only a matter of time before the house of cards collapsed, and the girls are the first casuality.
5) I PROPOSE, Support be mandatory EQUAL among both sides. (Let the boys father see if his son is worth it.)( i mean gender equality, if one side can afford more- kol hakovod)
6) Furthrmore, shame on any kollel boy whose combined support of parents, and shver CASH, and wife, and hud and food stamps all this in after tax dollars, shame on you if it is more than your parents and/or shver, and you are still milking them while they shvitz.
i dont think your torah is worth that much, under such circumstances.
If the litvish families will fix the moneey situation, i predict half the girls will get married within the year !1June 21, 2011 10:38 pm at 10:38 pm in reply to: Many attempts were made for the Kallah. How would you proceed? #791149
To wolf, As to when the obligatin to pay;
It used to be minhag at the engagement- ewhen they had a real vort with tnoim.
In todays time the obligation is when they actually marry.
To Gavra, actually there is a special haloche that making a shidduch obligates you even if no kinyan is made.
There are similar rules regarding “sirsur’ being a broker for anything.
There is a siman in chosen mishpat dealing with this. (Im embarrased to say i cant remember which.)
To of course, if the parents dont pay the couple is obligated.
Speak to the rov, and then send a note to both michetanim (c.c. to each other) then send a polite note to the couple, wishing them siyata dishmaya. (Consider; Ask them if they would like to consider it as tzdoka)
Actually you probaly just want the decency of recognition.
In which case say you feel hurt they didnt invite you, and perhaps they can send you a note and a token of their appreciation, and an invite to the bris/kiddush
( People like you are the “real thing” L.O.L. – you’re prob too young to get my pun)
In any case, it may be hard to ask the Mrs. you are helping to pre-sort.
But here’s a soloution.
Any time you come across a piece of laundry you dont care to handle, put it aside. then when you’re done you’ll simply have a very little (small) pile, which any normal Mrs. would understand. PS. It is perfectly logical as to why you wouldn’t want to handle the Mr. personal laundry. Duh! He’s not your father.
I wouldn’t reply, but I deal with teens so I will.
First remember you’re doing something you have a feeling for, and something that is a fundamental of the beautiful part of yiddishkiet. so you dont have to be worried if you’ll have the right approach, just go with the issue, and since you have valuable and credible merchandise (yahadus) to sell, it will carry. Of course being tznius goes part and parcel with talking in a courteous and respectful manner.
Its people like you who give us a good name, and personify and manifest all that is good.
The first approach would be to put forth why you feel so, but in a personal sense.
Example; “mom, I feel so weird going out exposed. It just feels embarrassing”. Also “I hate when people look at my legs, or stare at me. its sooo creepy’.
(If true- Use reverse teen; say all my friends are wearning this.)
Or -(on a different day, otherwise you will freak her out) mom, doesnt it feel so dignified when im – or you- dressed properly? and also I know when someone talks to me, he is treating me like a person.
Or “why do people go out dressed short and then tug it down all the time, if they’re uncomfortable why do they dress like that? Are people really so enslaved to fashion like that?”
Are you in an atmosphere where you mix with boys? if yes tell mom (and dad – you have no idea how supportive dads can be.)you want to keep away the psycho-s.
Psst; little secret; dads are so easy, an occasional smile, a short DMC, and no “deliberate in your face”, he is sooo owned. Like butter under a hot knife.
I hope this helps.
Lastly; keep searching- always. ENjoy the journey, being frum promotes happiness and is not an antithesis.
check out the sefer from R shimshon Pincus.
i dont meant to needle, but do you mske it a point to show up at least one minute ealry for davening.
You would if you gave it chseevus.
i started doing it ( including early enough to say 5 kapitals thillim, )and starting seeing results within a week.
As a godol said, a large part depends on whether they had doubts and then drifted off or became not frum and then came up with questions.
To quote; ‘I have answers to questions, but no answers to answers.’
Sometimes unfortunately the heart filled with a desire leaves no room for the head to operate. On the other hand, a family member who has warm and fuzzy feeling for his family or at least somewhat pleasant memories, will usually be willing to listen.
And if that was not in the past, then make it so in the future. Send them a care package for friday night- but instead of gefilte fish put in shushi. drop them a note, invite them for simches, go out to eat, and dont preach then. build up a bank account of positive memories.
To critics I say; loving is not approving. and any teen or young adult knows that. ive dealt with them- they know. I love my fellow member of the tribe, I cant love my flesh and blood?
My knee jerk response is no one – not even in his yeshiva, pointed out the purpose and pleasantness of yiddishkiet. so he’s gone to find meaning elsewhere. he’s intelligent and possibly abhors doublestandards.
I venture to say it is only out of respect to you that he is willing to ask questions.
If so i would be willing to try to answer legitimate questions. (as Josef hatzadik said ‘biladai). May Hashem put the answer in my mouth – or in this case fingertips and spellcheck.
Might I add; under no circumstance beat yourself up. Remember this; Cheskiah hamelech built up the level of torah of klal yisroel tremendously (those who know) yet never the less his own grandson in spite of being forewarned by a novi no less, turned out to be the rasha king menashe. So dont nobody be uppity and preachy around here.
There for but the grace of Hashem go you.
PS I sent a message to EDITOR to give you my email address.
(PS you’re educated enough to put plural apostrophes where they belong, that gave credence to your sincerity) )
instruct teen, 1) conditional that they can keep phone, they must give one the parents the phone while not in use or every so often. this enables parents to see who texts. 2) you must look at their phone bill monthly, and tell them you will be doing so..
3) spend some time with your kid doing something THEY choose. AT LEAST once in two weeks. (shopping, resturaunt, baseball game, driving)
I cant believe i read this, but since i did here is one i like.
A flea and a fly in a flue;
Were stuck so what could they do;
Said the flea;”let us fly”,
Said the fly; “let us flee”,
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
lETS UP THE ANTE;
iS IT PERMITTED TO NOT PAY TAXES ON CASH SALES.