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Joseph is correct about the tehillim names. There has been so much confusion about the correct names since motzai shabbas (ive seen avigayil, gila, francis etc.) This is very confusing and disheartening. Of course Hashem knows who we are davening for, but WE need the comfort of knowing that we are davening in an ideal way with correct information.
Please immediately publicize the correct tehillim names below, as confirmed by Mr. Gavi Sassoon himself. He was interviewed in EY (also a very powerful video, which should be publicized, see below), and confirmed his wife’s and daughter’s correct names.
link removed
The correct names are:
Gila bas Frances (wife)
Tziporah bas Gila (daughter)
as someone who works with a professional photographer, i’d say it depends on how you want the pictures to look. outdoor pictures have the potential to be beautiful if the photographer knows what he’s doing with lighting and posing, and they also tend to come out more natural and candid. studio portraits can look more ‘formal’ unless you want to start incorporating props which some ppl do, but its easier to control the lighting.
either way, make sure your kids are well fed and well rested! best time for pictures is after lunch and a nap. bring non-messy foods just in case they get cranky (dry crackers and water). know your kid and work with their schedule.
depending on the behavior of your kid, it might be easier to be outdoors then in an intimidating studio with lights and umbrellas etc. but then again you may have them running loose around the park…
I always love outdoor pictures if the lighting is good. make sure its not too sunny or you’ll all be squinting, and its better to do it either early morning or later in the day when its not so hot out. partly cloudy days are best because you get the light from the sun without the overpowering heat or shadows from too many clouds. if you’re doing outdoors, decide on beach or park type of venue and have your colors to match or blend. I love white and denim/navy on the beach, it contrasts great with the sand and water, so you can do white shirts with jeans/denim skirts or navy pants/skirts.
also if you do outdoors, make sure the photographer poses you well like he would in a studio and doesn’t say ‘just sit’ or ‘just stand together’. you should get a nice combination of candid and posed shots.
I like the idea of doing both a studio and outdoors, if its not too much more money and the photographer is willing. you should definitely do studio first and then bribe kids with ‘if you’re good, we’ll go to the beach! ‘ 🙂
bruchi basically said it all, but wash your face well, moisturize more than usual and lots of primer, especially on eyes. put on more eyeliner than you would usually. and if you don’t have a satin pillowcase, a silk slip (like you would wear under a skirt) pulled over your pillow works like a charm. the elastic (meant for your waistband) keeps it on the pillow and a slip is about the same length as your pillow. i do this every shabbas and always still have eye makeup on.
lol in all your bickering over nothingness (nobody ever said it was a halacha, there’s alot of room for chumra sensitivities when it comes to tznius…)….nobody answered nechomah’s question!
SOCKS 🙂 but i doubt any were covered in crystals and pearls….come on though, when you look at those incredible pics from the chuppah and mitzvah tantze, dont tell me your eye isnt drawn straight to the kallah!
saw the pictures and videos (there’s some good ones on youtube) and found it fascinating. whenever the kallah was in public (chuppah, mitzva tantze) etc. thats when she had a veil on, so all the pictures show her with the veil cuz when she was only with the women i assume there were no pictures.
i happen to think it was very nice, you really dont need 25,000 men staring at you in any situation, especially at your wedding. she’s the only ‘white’ thing in the room (dress) and she sticks out enough already….its human nature to glance or gaze at things that stick out (ex: most ppl will reflexively notice other people’s skin showing, part of the reason why tznius is so important)
i also loved the ‘hat’ piece that she had on to cover her hair, it was stunning. i saw a close up shot of it, covered in crystals and diamonds. tasteful, tznius and elegant, gorgeous
great post! though my babysitting days are long passed, here’s some that always annoyed me…i try not to do these to my own sitters
6) please tell us where the food is and/or which food we can eat, especially if we come around dinner time. we don’t enjoy rummaging thru your cabinets to find stale pretzels.
7) if you plan on staying out very late (definition varies, but i’d say passed 11pm), then tell me BEFORE i accept the job. maybe i have a test or school the next day? and for goodness sakes, dont call at 11:30 and say you’ll be back in 15 minutes and then don’t come home for an hour. at least tell me your stuck in traffic
8) please call 5-10 minutes before you’ll be home. i’m not doing anything terrible, but its common courtesy. this gives me time to hang up the phone with my friend, gather my books, wake up if i fell asleep… or at least knock before you come in.
9) i watched your kids, maybe even fed them, put them to sleep etc. pay me at least as much as you would your cleaning lady. if you’re not sure what the going rate is, just ask. chances are its more than you think.
anyone for lucky number 10?
challah? really? homemade challah is sooooooo much better than bakery
made potatoes, pasta salad as side dishes for shabbas- nice filling carbs. also a plain chicken recipe, not too saucy or spicy. salad- fiber will keep you feeling full. and water water water water! started drinking more than usual already today…it works!
musical: the whole THING takes 5 minutes, from sitting in the chair to being done. they have to find a vein, insert needle, connect vials. taking the blood out maybe takes 1 minute.
and you’d better get used to the blood tests iy”H for when ur pregnant….there’s alot of ’em!
there is nothing to be nervous about, unless you have a personal fear of needles or blood. here’s what they did in my HS in a nutshell (if it will calm you down to just know the process). a couple of technicians from dor yeshorim will come (could be men, depending if ur school arranged for just women or not). they will probably wear gloves white lab coats (for sanitary purposes), dont let that scare you. then they call you in one by one, you sit down, roll up your sleeve and they tie a band around your upper arm. this allows them to find a vein in your arm. then they prick you with a needle- that is the only part that hurts/ pinches slightly. once the needle is in, you don’t feel a thing. if i recall they take 3-4 small vials, which is NOT alot. the whole thing is over in 5 minutes. if you think you’ll get queasy, then do what i did and DON’T LOOK. i just turned away and said please count 1-2-3 so i know when it will hurt. on ‘3’ it hurt for a second, and i just didn’t watch the blood being taken. 5 mins later it was over, really no big deal. then they give you a card that has a number on it and tell you 100 times dont lose it. that number is your dor yeshorim number for when you call up to see if ur compatible with someone. i thought i might lose the card so i actually just put the number into my phone as security.
I don’t know if my school arranged it, or DY did, but we had cookies and orange juice afterwards, to get our blood sugar back up. if you’re really very nervous, i’d recommend drinking extra water that day (before the test) so you’ll be more hydrated and have more energy to start with. the amount of blood they take is not enough to make you feel very ill, but everyone is different. i recall out of 80 girls in my grade only one felt so sick afterwards that she had to go home. everyone else just had alot of orange juice! the main thing is to have alot of sugar afterwards, this will give you some energy back.
its reeaaaallly not a big deal, and it happens to be very important. probably a couple of girls in your grade are nervous/scared and getting everyone else hyped up for no reason. i actually think its quite convenient that they do it in school, then no matter when a girl starts shidduchim (right after HS, after seminary), she has the info available.
good luck and you’ll be fine!
You can think outside the box a bit and get a really nice present for pretty cheap. I got so many expensive platters and things that I don’t use, I just have on display or in a closet. The things I use are the ‘original’ gifts. For instance, a friend of mine got me a havdalah set- candle, small matchbox, small silver tray. It was very thoughtful, inexpensive and I use it every week. We also got a nice silver napkin holder that’s on the table all week, as well as crystal salt and pepper shakers. A vase is also nice. Think outside the box a bit, and for goodness sakes don’t get a challah cover. I must have 10.
FYI, the Hensels each have their own set of major organs, and only share parts of their spine. From the outside, they look like one person with two heads (two arms, two legs), but inside they are clearly two people. This is unlike the baby born in Brazil which has two heads but ONE (or one set) of all other major organs
first off, wherever you go, take the kallah with you so she can choose patterns, appliances etc.
bed, bath and beyond is great, they have absolutely everything and they have 20% off coupons that you can sign up to get. (and a little secret- they accept expired coupons! so dont throw them out!)
you can also try jcpenney and macy’s home collections, often they have very nice dishes and kitchen things that are on sale, especially now during their holiday season. it might be easier to find sets of 8 or 12 dishes in the jewish stores, but other stores sell a standard set of 6 and i just bought 2 boxes=set of 12. you can get nice corelle dishes for milchigs as well.
for large brand name stuff (cuisinart, bosch, kitchen aid, calphalon, blender, pots/pans, toaster, microwave) etc. i’d do some research before you go shopping, because often you’ll find a cheaper price online and stores will often match it
mazel tov! happy shopping!
while there are ‘wic approved’ brands, like ‘hacham’ said, those manufacturers pay wic for this privilege. HOWEVER, stores routinely allow you to take different brands, based solely on price point. what nobody has mentioned yet is that wic checks are designated to specific foods, but ALSO to a specific price. for example, a milk & juice check might say 3 milks and 1 juice, TO NOT EXCEED $22 in cost. therefore, some stores don’t care what milk or juice brand you take as long as it doesn’t exceed $22, which would then cost them $$. as far as im concerned, if the amounts are the same (# of pkgs or ounces etc.) and the store allows you to take better brands, this is not stealing on your part. whether the store has a liability, or is doing something illegal because they are allowing other brands to be purchased, is their issue, not the customer’s. as long as you stay under the price, you are not stealing from the government.
that being said, to specifically take a brand that is the wrong measurement, or to take food in the incorrect amounts would surely be stealing. for example, i have 48 oz juice on my check and i went to a certain store to get wic food. i asked the storeowner what i could take and she said i could take the 59 oz tropicana juice, since it didn’t come in 48 oz and ‘its all the same anyway’. i did not feel comfortable doing that, since my check was only for 48 oz.
‘ef613’ i think the bottom line is that one needs to use their seichel. just because a storeowner may be letting you steal from the government (as in the above tropicana example), doesnt mean you can or should. but the distinction needs to be made between what is stealing and what is acceptable.
p.s. the next time i went to that store, the owner told me that tropicana was not a choice anymore. so it seems he did teshuva 🙂
and ‘yacr85’ you can’t by cheesecake on wic. i think ur confusing with food stamps
are we asking what is the real thing? or whats the craziest sounding thing you can come up with?
i always thought it was queenser
and baltimoron is one of my favorites although i think its baltimorian
manchester is mancunian with a hard ‘c’ (like a k sound)
sri lanka is sri lankan
and then of course there’s
holland…dutch
denmark…danish
5 two letter words in a row: ki yad al keis kah
5 words starting with alef in a row: omar oyeiv erdof asig achalek (shalal…) from oz yashir
men employed by their shver: yaakov/lavan, moshe/yisro
there’s a great book called crack it! with an orange cover that has alot of these torah riddles
as a newly married, i can tell you what gets used and what goes straight into the closet!
we use: silver mezuzah holder, silver napkin holder, and i have some vases and serving bowls displayed nicely in the breakfront
in the closet and we never use: large serving trays (we’re not having that many guests yet), extra challah covers & shabbas tablecloths (we got a ton so we just use one, and the rest are away)
the nicest gift we got was a silver picture frame. even while we hadn’t really gone through our wedding proofs yet, i picked one nice picture to put in this frame. i’m sure you can buy a bunch of these for not so much $. the person also got it engraved with our initials, which was a nice personal touch.
check out crc online they have a very helpful pesach 2011 guide. http://www.crcweb.org/passover_2011.php
i usually listen to music or a shiur while cooking, so when done cooking (about 1-2 ish these days) and need to clean off kitchen table, then computer goes off! but im not a coffee addict so s’ok, more like an email addict
you know your bag of bags? like the big shopping bag that you save to stuff all your little shopping bags in once you return from the supermarket? so i found a BAG OF BAGEL CRUMBS from one of those 6 packs of bagels, in the bag of bags. have now thoroughly cleaned that closet…
There’s a really good reason for that-the shwarma in Israel IS better!!! In USA u get a lousy soggy pita with a dab of chummus and some meat. Anything more than that-onions, eggplant, salad, chips (fries) you have to ask for or worse pay extra for! In Israel you get a LOADED laffah with all the works for 20 shekel!!! Hello….no contest!! Troll, I’d love to take you to gas station shwarma sometime by the tachana…all u sem gals know what I’m talking about!! Then we’ll see if u cud keep defending USA shwarma.
don’t know where you live but the bare escentuals store in queens center mall will do your makeup for free. (its the company that makes bare minerals makeup). they’re more than happy to do it, cuz its good free advertising for them (your face) and you don’t have to buy anything- but their makeup is really good so you’ll probably end up buying stuff anyways! probably any bare escentuals store will do it also, just give them a call
chazak, here’s a suggestion, why not make one coffee room called ‘i’m making a wedding, what hall should it be in and who is a good photographer?’ and now im confused, are you the girl’s side (i.e. need to know good halls?) or the boy’s side? (i.e. need to know good photographers?)
mark mittel/masterpiece studios.
sounds like tiferes mordechai would suit your needs well, but you have to ask about valet parking because im not sure they have, or you have to pay extra. its stunning hall, will fit ur guests and great price- i say go for it!
im confused what your question is- you mention that you’re stuffed, are you asking our opinion if you ate too much?
lol, all kidding aside, once the seuda is over, its perfectly fine to take food home, in fact the hosts usually expect and encourage it by having the caterer provide silver foil, paper bags etc. then they dont have to deal with all the leftovers. especially at a bris when people like to pack things up to take to work for lunch. it would be nice to wait until towards the end once everyone is done eating to be sure there is enough for all the guests…but otherwise, why not?
tiferes mordechai- new place between flatbush & boro park 600 mcdonald avenue, a bit on the smaller side but could probably fit 400 guests comfortably, dance floor not so big, but again if you’re having 400 it probably fits your needs, beautiful decor- they really focused alot on the interior, which you don’t find with most halls. i was only at one wedding there and service and food were fine, like i didn’t notice anything blatantly bad
ateres chynka- located in flatbush on elmwood avenue off ocean pkwy, much larger and their minimum is like 500 so might not even be an option for you. huuuge dance floor and dining hall, we fit 530 very comfortably and with big dance floor. i go there often for weddings and love the food, and we made a chasuna there ourselves and the service was great, the whole process very organized, they answered all our questions, and alot of ‘extras’ (nicer meats at smorg, choices at meal) were included at no extra cost, it was part of the pkg deal. we were very happy there, but again you have to meet their minimum. the only annoying thing which is a very small detail is that they have a custom-fit canopy on their chuppah and they dont want it to get ruined so they dont let any florist put ANY flowers or toulle or anything on the chuppah, so it looks very plain, but we just put nice flowers in the front and it looked fine- not a reason to not use the hall, im just mentioning it.
you may want to look into tiferes rivka, another new place that just opened.
mazel tov and good luck!
Liora,
I read a few other comments that have been posted since my first post and pretty much everyone is echoing the same idea. Its unfortunate that you heard this your whole life, and are therefore attributing a great amount of importance to it. Although, I do give you credit for sharing this openly with your chosson, that shows that you can discuss issues which bother you (even if they may sound silly to others) and that’s very important in a marriage. Food for thought: Don’t you know any sefardim married to ashkenazim? Tall people married to short people? etc. I think if you would rack your brain enough you could think of several examples of wonderful marriages where the two parties do not look alike. And if you really can’t think of anyone, then just realize that chances are that the issues these couples face, or that any couple faces for that matter, has very little to do with their physical appearances being different, and more likely has to do with differences in personality/outlook on life/goals in life/hashkafa etc.
i have two words for you: OY. VEY. First of all, mazel tov. Second of all, the fact that couples look alike is because as a general rule (note: general, there are exceptions), people are attracted to features that they find beautiful, so it stands to reason that if your self image is intact, you consider yourself and your features beautiful, and would look for, or be attracted to similar features in a mate. This, of course, is NOT a cardinal rule (i.e. opposites attract) and is DEFINITELY NOT an “inyan”. The fact that people say at vorts “wow, they really look alike”, is because hey, maybe the couple does look alike! (for the above mentioned reason, or any other reason under the sun). People say alot of things at vorts and weddings, would you consider those to reach the level of an ‘inyan’ just because people are yenting about it?
On a more serious note, the sentence “I feel like this is stopping me from being excited over my chosson” is worrisome. Are you actually not excited about being engaged to him, and this look-alike question is just a cover-up for a much bigger issue? Like, are you actually not attracted to him? Or, do you just have this (slightly skewed) idea in your head that couples should look alike, while many, many, many couples that do not look remotely alike (short & tall, fat & thin, fair-skinned & tan etc.) lead perfectly beautiful marriages? I hope I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill, but honestly if you feel the need to convince yourself (even ‘religiously’ by asking if its an ‘inyan’) that you are excited, the questions you should be asking yourself are much deeper than a coffee room about couples looking alike. Best of luck!
just eat the shmorg food, its always the best
and ateres avrohom shmorg is the best, BP Totty!
but seriously, are you going to the wedding for the food?
personally, i find purses ANNOYING. any excuse to get that heavy bag off my shoulder and i’ll take it. a small wristlet is really fine.
and popa, try sticking $100 in ur shoe when ur wearing tights…it might be a liiiittle obvious if its sticking out. most girls dont wear socks on dates that you could stuff a billfold down into ur shoe!
if its the winter its easy to stick $, phone and keys in ur coat. but dont answer ur phone or text on dates, its rude. just for emergencies only.
Obviously, everyone’s situation and mechutan’s situation are different, and should be worked out together BEFORE the engagement so there is no sticky situation while preparing for the simcha. I can only speak from my own experience: Usually the boy’s side does FLOP, as mentioned above, (sometimes FLOPS, with “S” being the boy’s mother pays for one sheitel). The best way to figure out if FLOP or 50/50 is more fair is by figuring out the guest list. If the guest list is very close to 50/50 then that would probably work better. If not, then FLOP works well, and usually comes out to about half anyway (minus the cost of the wedding hall which the girl’s side pays for). I am referring to NY weddings by the way, out of town things maybe work differently and out of town-NY shidduch definitely works differently. Hatzlacha with your son in shidduchim- what’s he looking for?
As a girl who was debating going to seminary in E”Y, and did in the end B”H, I have to say it was the best decision. Yes, its expensive, and yes, it may encourage a sense of entitlement by the fact that its ‘expected’ and ‘accepted’, but ultimately it changes you. Right after high school is the ONLY time in a girl’s life where she has a chance to TRULY work on herself, her hashkafos and develop her own ruchnius. She has very few responsibilities (no husband, kids, house etc.), so why not send her to a place that will enable her to reach the greatest heights? The clarity that one experiences in E”Y is unbelievable, and to have a chance to experience such menuchas hanefesh for an entire year is very special.
WITHOUT A DOUBT, I would not be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone to seminary in E”Y. My personal hashkafos, my dating hashkafos, and ultimately the wonderful husband that I was zoche to marry all stem from the foundation that I received in seminary.
To directly address your question, its not a ‘cop out’ for a girl to say ‘oh, i’ll change in seminary’, because she will! Its much easier to change in an environment of growth, where everyone around you wants to grow, then to stay home and live as you have always lived until then.
In terms of the expense, its very important to know yourself/your daughter when thinking about seminary in E”Y. No doubt there are girls who just ‘chill on daddy’s expense for a year’. All that really depends on the type of girl and the type of seminary she goes to.
So, YES, we do need it!
the answer to your question is an unequivocal NO!!! some dates are just so bad that forcing a 2nd one for no reason is a complete waste of time. before anyone starts with their excuses of ‘nobody is themselves on a first date’….’you have to give it a chance’ etc. i say to them that to make a 2nd date required would probably just worsen the shidduch crisis situation that we’re already in. you cant force people to like each other. period. the boys seem to have all the veto power in the shidduch world, up until the dating actually starts. a girl does not have to say yes just because the boy does.
and by the way, kudos to dr. pepper for giving a girl a second date no matter what. that’s very classy. eventhough if you had a miserable time the girl probably did also.
if a WOMAN CAN tell that another woman is wearing a shaitel than its muttar. note that its if another woman can tell, cuz men usually cant tell anyway the difference if the shaitel is very natural.
since the conversation turned towards shoes, i’ll address that first- it is SOOOO important to have good shoes. i was in seminary 3 years ago and i’m still suffering from the effects of having bad shoes in seminary (this is not a guess, it was verified by a podiatrist). i went with a few pairs of ballet flats, the kind that are very popular now in america and took sneakers just for tiyulim. i didn’t realize that in E”Y you walk EVERYWHERE, mostly because its stunning weather, you want to see E”Y and all its sights, and even if you take a bus or taxi somewhere, you go exploring. This led to my shoes wearing out very quickly, but i just kept wearing them because I had nothing else, and I found israeli shoes to be uncomfortable. i wore my flats til they had holes in them and when i came home from seminary i began suffering from severe pain. i now have the feet of a much older woman with corns and bunions and hammertoe and all sorts of painful foot ailments. i have to be very careful now with the shoes i wear and i rarely wear heels. i dont mean to scare anybody, but the best advice i can give to a seminary girl is to bring several pairs of SOLID leather shoes that are comfortable and give support. hatzlacha!
this is based on info from a year ago, but i thing its the following: ur allowed up to 50 lbs. each in 2 suitcases. if the suitcase is anywhere from 50 lbs.-75 lbs. (approx) its $25 charge per bag overweight. (if u think about it, that means if u have a 75 lb bag ur paying $1/lb overweight) after 75 lbs. the price skyrockets to over $100 per bag overweight. i don’t know how much they charge for a third suitcase, but you should consider your options carefully. it might be worth it to bring two 75 lb bags and pay $50 ($25 per bag) then pay $100 or more for a third bag. also you can weigh suitcases at home on a bathroom scale. the most accurate way to do it is to weigh urself without the bag, then weigh urself holding the bag/suitcase (its best to have someone else be on the floor reading the scale while ur trying to hold up the suitcase!) i have done this several times and have been within 1-5 lbs accurate when compared to the weight at the airport.
dont rely on this info exclusively because this is mostly from memory of my previous trips to E”Y, but I think its mostly accurate. nesiya tova!
isnt it best to say it when ur going over the george washington bridge or tappan zee cuz thats when ur leaving the ir/city?
anything with carbs- potatoes, pasta etc will keep u feeling fuller longer and give you ‘fuel’. also drink PLENTY of water, not all at once at the seuda, but keep a waterbottle nearby the whole day today (erev) and take sips every few minutes, it builds up ur body’s hydration slowly and keeps u hydrated for longer as opposed to just downing a waterbottle a few minutes before the fast. some ppl like powerade before a fast, but i think the benefits of powerade are more considerable if you drink it after the fast, cuz it replenishes you from dehydration
stay cool and have an easy and meaningful fast!
sounds to me like that might be a problem with the memory card not the camera. if you have a different memory card, try using it for a while and if the problem persists then its the camera. you can call canon support, they’re usually very helpful- i once called them and the lady told me about a promotion that i had never heard of, where i could mail in my defective sd600 and she would send me a new camera for half the price. i dont know if that works on the sd750 series but you should definitely find out since the 750 is an older model.
in terms of recovering the pictures, if they are ‘stuck’ on the memory card, you can send it to a data recovery place and see if they can get it out. i know one in florida that i use for business related data recovery its called LC Tech the number is 866-603-2195 and ask for Eric. or go to lctech.com.
BP Totty-We do the opposite! we use china on a shabbas when we don’t have guests and disposables when we do have guests (cuz its too much china to wash otherwise)…we’re out of towners so maybe its dif in BP… and i meant we scrape all our chicken bones and cholent dregs onto one plate and then stack the dirty plates at the table! in fact, my european grandmother does it! she cant walk very well, so she feels like she is helping to clean up in this way- we pass her all the plates and she stacks them in front of her while sitting, then someone else takes them in to the kitchen. so really by ‘scrapping’ we’re doing kibud aim! so there crzy shadchanim! 🙂
and oomis, i have no idea what the stacking issue is about, but i think it may have to do with kavod shabbas, meaning that it is not kavod to scrape at the table (i do admit its kind of gross, but its pretty convenient!). maybe it has to do with laziness also……
1) She’s the youngest so is she spoiled?
2) Don’t you think she was too frum to go to such and such seminary?
3) Does she have any outstanding student loans?
Why are the crazy questions only asked about girls?
I literally once had an argument with a shadchan that called about a friend of mine. She asked me what she looked like so I said she has dark hair and blue eyes. The shadchan said, ‘No she doesn’t, she has brown eyes’. I’m like um, no I’ve known her for 15 years and trust me she has blue eyes. Shadchan: “Well how could she have blue eyes and dark hair?”……Literally arguing with me for 10 minutes about this!!!! Hello!?!! does it really matter?
And as for the scraper/stacker shabbas dishes question, i always say i’m a ‘scrapper’ cuz we scrape AND stack at the table!
um, all halacha aside for a minute- is anybody wondering what i’m wondering…..? WHO TOOK THE PICTURES? 🙂 (see YWN photo album)
Oy vey! For you and especially your wife! As a frum woman, I can definitely and unfortunately relate to the uncomfortable situation your wife is in. With all the ‘benefits’ of working and living in a ‘frum’ environment, breaches of tznius are unfortunately all too common. Here’s my advice:
1) ASK A RAV!! Even if you/your family is not the ‘sheila asking’ type, this is something that could use the objective chochma of a Rav. Without saying names, or even the name of the supermarket, outline the details of the situation. I find that talmidei chachomim have certain insights and suggestions that are so helpful when implemented. If you don’t want to say its your wife, say its your sister, daughter or mother, or some other female family member.
2) In general, I don’t think a ‘note’, anonymous or otherwise, would be so effective because unfortunately this shopkeeper probably doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Honestly, he might just think he’s being friendly and doesn’t realize the damage he is causing. If that is the case, I would say that your wife might actually be the best person to have this ‘discussion’ with him. Subtle body language and verbal cues are effective in this way, your wife can distance herself physically if a conversation turns inappropriate, not make eye contact etc. Sometimes it helps to make it seem like your own problem, or to lighten the mood- she can say, “my husband sends regards” or “should we really be discussing this”? If he’s not getting the ‘hint’ after that, a casual mention to a supervisor may do the trick. I don’t think it would get him automatically fired (which may not be a bad thing), but rather a reprimand could come from a source of authority (his supervisor), without directly involving your wife.
and a bracha to anyone struggling with this yetzer that they should be able to overcome it!
you are 100% right! thank you so much for bringing this up, its something that has been bothering me for a while now. recently, a teacher of mine from seminary was in america for a family simcha and was appalled to see that barely anybody was 100% tznius at this chasuna. people think that tznius is ‘style’ as opposed to a mentality and way of life, therefore, if tznius is ‘out of style’, it can be discarded. the saddest thing is when bais yaakov girls who went to good schools, come from solid homes and are outwardly ‘frum’, can be seen with skirts that absolutely DO NOT cover their knees as far as the eye can tell.
i advise anyone who is struggling with this particular yetzer, or anyone who needs chizuk in their tznius to attend the Bnos Melochim events which are airing in many communities this week. Hopefully the work of this great organization will inspire those who are still lacking in their tznius.
So glad you asked! I personally know the Roshei Yeshiva of the high school/beis medrash there, Texas Torah Institute, a branch of Chofetz Chaim. They are Rabbi Eliyahu Kaufman, Rabbi Shloimie Pacht and Rabbi Aryeh Rodin, who hold administrative positions in the high school and beis medrash between the 3 of them, (and some others that I may have forgotten). The yeshiva has been there for about 6 years and B”H is flourishing, as is the frum community in Dallas. There is also a girl’s high school, that was there previously I believe, and 2 shuls that I know of in what is referred to as “North Dallas”. For more info, contact Chofetz Chaim yeshiva’s main branch in Queens, NY.
onlyemes,
this topic and your question is quite intriguing. as a professional graphic designer i encounter such situations often, and it brings up a few points: First of all, the whole concept of Photoshop is to play into a certain psychology and pre-conceived notions that people have about an image. So for example, the most common type of “photoshopping” is to alter something on the face (taking out pimples, undereye marks etc) to make the person look more ‘presentable’ or ‘polished’ by today’s standards. I believe that such editing is not geneivas da’as per say, since one is only ENHANCING that which is already there. Photoshopping elements of one’s appearance, is similar to putting on makeup before a photo, but instead of enhancing before the picture (makeup), the enhancements are put in afterwards (photoshopping).
The question then becomes, <b>what are we using the Photoshop tools for- enhancing or deceiving?</b> Many would agree that in today’s day and age, most of the images we see from the secular media are of an “ideal” image, that is simply deceitful. NO ONE ever looks like a person in a magazine, and no one ever will, because such an image does not exist in reality. It is sad to think that so many girls, for example, idealize such images and behave in unhealthy manners to achieve it, but I digress.
In the case of your specific question, another layer of psychology is presented, as this institution does or does not want to convey a certain stereotype-with the shirt color of the bochurim (in my opinion, this is a clear indication of the focus of gashmius on our generation, but again, I digress). On this point i agree with tzippi, that changing the color of his shirt is no different than having told the bochurim “tomorrow is picture day, so everyone wear a nice white shirt”, (which is done in many yeshivos and bais yaakov schools anyway). In no way is a person looking at this flyer or brochure deceived, as long as this is a yeshiva where boys DO wear white shirts usually.
As for “filling up the Beis Medrash”, that one is a bit tricker, and a shailah should probably be asked. While shirt color has no bearing on the level of Torah study in this yeshiva, projecting an image of a full Beis Medrash when there usually may not be one, could be considered geneivas da’as. Anyway, a Beis Medrash with a few empty seats is a more natural look anyway, unless this yeshiva’s Beis Medrash is always filled to capacity, which most are not. An institution should definitely not use graphics tools to imply a higher level of Torah study then is actually present. While using “fillers” or other such tools is OK for gashmius aspects of an institutions, one must be very careful when portraying the ruchnius aspect of a yeshiva, which should remain true to the spirit of the school.
one word…shidduchim…shidduchim…shidduchim 🙂
no really, all kidding aside, its very easy for one’s words to get twisted around or misinterpreted. this is true of course with a face to face conversation, but even more true with posting comments that express your views. On blogs, media sites or news sites such as YWN, its very easy for someone to misunderstand your opinion, which could then come back to haunt you. Also, since most people remain anonymous on YWN, one feels more comfortable expressing his or her views. I don’t think anyone should take someone’s opinion less seriously just because they remain anonymous.
I’m not ashamed that I have the internet, that’s completely beside the point, I’m just concerned with the backlash of a person who can’t read between the lines.
For example, I post on Onlysimchas using my real name, when someone i know has a simcha. i have had situations where acquaintances come over to me and say, “oh, i saw you posted under so and so’s name, mazel tov” etc. This kind of situation is completely innocuous, and obviously OS allows klal yisroel to share in each other’s simchos in a very real way. On sites such as YWN however, where one expresses opinions as opposed to just saying “mazel tov”, posting under your own name can be tricky.