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I’m a bit confused.
The subject line of this thread is proposals to address the shidduch crises. But, the responses are predominantly about the effect of the financial burden of having children on shidduchim. While I certainly see a connection between the two issues, they aren’t one and the same.
To begin with, is it axiomatic that both problems must be solved at the same time or can they be addressed separately?
Regarding creative solutions to the financial burden of raising children, one radical approach might be to pool resources. Rather than each family being responsible for funding the education, clothing, feeding and medical needs of their children, the “community” takes on this responsibility instead, similar to the way the old socialist Kibbutzim used to do (do they still do that?).
Everyone – no matter how many or few children they have – is assessed an annual “tax” and the resulting pool of funds is used to pay for those things.
How the community is defined, how the assessments are performed, how the money is collected and managed and who is chosen to oversee so massive a responsibility are just some of the probably mind-boggling number of issues that would need to be agreed upon for this to take place.
Infighting and attitudes that perpetuate it.
This issue is actually recorded in the midrash (Mekhilta, Ex. 20:7) as a difference of opinion between Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai (Beis Shammai behaved as you suggested, though with verbalization as others have noted).
The Mishna Berurah (250:2) clarifies the dispute and suggests that Beis Hillel wasn’t entirely opposed to the position of Beis Shammai.
Since the person in question knows ahead of time that he doesn’t know the bracha acharona by heart, he should forgo eating at the kiddush until and unless he, somehow, arranges to have a copy of the bentsching available.
Once parents cease sending their children to camps lacking adequate (however they define that term) kosher standards, those standards will rise to meet the demand. However, that will undoubtedly significantly increase the cost to parents.
Yes, it’s a very tough choice of what one can effectively do.
In my limited experience, even a “respectfully” written note of advice or criticism by non-members to a pulpit rav (yes, I know I’m generalizing here) will rarely lead to change.
As some – including the original poster – have already noted, the rav is likely aware of the problem and either hasn’t succeeded in changing things or doesn’t consider it his top priority.
In an meager attempt to be “dan le’kav zchus” for that rav, regarding priorities, I suggest that it’s possible that the congregants have even more serious observance issues, r”l, that the rav feels need to be addressed before he weighs in on decorum.
> How about invent a hot water system that can be
> used on Shabbos. We have urns for coffee. Why not
> make the actual boiler work in a similar way so that
> you can turn on the hot water in the sink/shower to
> wash dishes etc.
Yes, this does already exist. I lived on a Kibbutz in 1976 where they designed/installed such a device on a hot water heater. When in switched to “Shabbos mode”, it kept the water temperature in the tank below yad-soledes.
However, I don’t know whether such a device would help regarding the issue of showering on Shabbos/Yom Tov. That may depend more on whether poskim consider this change sufficient to relax the original gzeira.
The question of what did this bochur gained from having been to Israel when he’s subsequently observed viewing inappropriate material is an odd question.
Since there’s no way for us to know what spiritual level this young man was on prior to his visit, similarly there’s no way to assess what positive influence his visit to Israel had on him.
Perhaps the better question to ponder is what improvements we can make in our own lives and the lives of those who learn from our behaviors to counteract the negative influences around us.
I think that by definition “toys” include just about any object that a child can make use of to engage his/her imagination and learn about him/herself and his/her environment.
It doesn’t have to be confined to traditionally accepted toys like a ball or a doll. Even items commonly found around the home like cardboard boxes, pebbles, bottle caps, articles of clothing, etc. can be the catalyst for exploration and experimentation that fascinates the child and that he/she can learn from.
In my opinion, as long as the item is age appropriate (e.g.; not a choking hazard, a sharp object, toxic chemical or fire hazard) there’s not much to worry about.
As for spiritual dangers from reading materials, that’s a much more complicated issue than I can respond to.
You didn’t mention whether you add sweeteners to your coffee. Some people find that sugar and even artificial sweeteners can trigger feelings of hunger.
In fact, the whole concept of a forshpeis (appetizer) is that tasting certain foods gets one in the mood to eat additional food items.
So, consider reducing or even eliminating sweeteners from your morning coffee.
A teacher suggested that possibly this behavior began as a result of the need people had to share seforim (too poor for everyone to have their own) and would sit together on a bench and take turns bending over to read a passage and then give the next person a chance.
Eventually, the behavior took on a life of its own.
“lo ra’av la’lechem, v’lo tzama la’mayim, ki im le’shmoah es divrei haShem” (Amos 8:11) 🙂
In defense of the multiplicity of charities collecting for identical needs, one should keep in mind that as small as Israel (or any place, for that matter) may appear to be on a map, it’s really tough to physically reach out to a large percentage of its needy citizens.
Just like one needs local synagogues, schools, medical facilities, markets, etc, one needs local charities.
About 4 years ago, a DVD titled “Bikur Cholim – Sense & Sensitivity” hosted by Rabbi Paysach Krohn came out. It included an extremely funny skit called “How NOT to Perform Bikur Cholim” which I highly recommend people watch.
Sometimes a serious lesson taught with a touch of humor can leave a lasting impression.
The video skit can be found online.
Remember that some people (or their kids) have allergies to certain animals, so it’s always important to inform your potential guests like you would inquire about food allergies, etc.
Then, there are people who have a fear of animals no matter how friendly your think your pet is. Oddly, it’s sometimes the friendliest pet that frightens people the most because of its excitedly happy reaction to the visitors.
By the way, it’s not just dog owners, but also those with cats, large parrots, etc. who need to give this some thought.
While I agree with the two previous responses not too make too much of an issue which can potentially cost you your job, r”l, it may not hurt to ask your peers how they feel about it (assuming it’s happened to them, too).
If you find that there’s consensus among many cashiers, consider writing up and presenting respectful feedback (emphasis on “respectful”) to your supervisor that for his/her consideration.
Of course, you have to know your management. Some don’t mind constructive ideas to make things run more smoothly that don’t cost money while others have little patience for what they automatically assume to be the whining of malcontents, etc.
I don’t know why one would assume that the oil used on wooden cutting boards comes from pigs.
Oils most commonly recommended for wood items that come in contact with food – like cutting boards – are:
1 – White mineral oil, a petroleum derivative
2 – Pure beeswax – Rav Dovid Heber states that it’s kosher
3 – Coconut oil
4 – Carnauba, from palm tree
5 – Tung oil (no, not tongue), from Tung tree, bad for
those allergic to nuts
6 – Linseed oil (raw, not boiled), from flax plant
7 – walnut oil
8 – Shellac or lacquer, which is a secretion of the lac insect and Rav Dovid Heber quotes Rav Moshe as holding that it is no different than honey in this respect and is a kosher product.
I thought that those with a chasideshe heritage don’t hold by the same time limits for things like zmanei tefillah as their litvishe counterparts.
So, can’t they get as much shut-eye as they need?
“no learning, no davening really, no bentching, not caring about nivul peh, onas devorim, lashon hara.”
Sadly, one can find people behaving this way across all socio-economic groups. Every person must grapple with his/her yetzer hara and make the right choices. No one escapes challenges.
On a more positive note, if you look for them you can find many people who do the right thing. Seek them out and try to learn from them.
That’s much more helpful in the long run than overgeneralizing about an entire class of people.
Some people appreciate getting wholesome things they serve at a meal, like the Purim seuda (and I don’t mean for dessert).
For example, among those who have their seuda late in the day and are busy delivering and cooking in the morning, a non-junk food lunch for the kids is a welcome relief.
The Goq: No, not Long Branch. I think it’s best that I not provide info that might lead to identifying that individual (I could have provided it to begin with).
As they say: Loose lips sink ships. 🙂
Yitzyk: Yes, I agree with you.
Just to clarify: he didn’t issue a “psak”, per se (he didn’t frame his argument in such terms).
I figure he was just being “a good husband” and, given his status, I didn’t feel I was in any position to argue the point.
This notice is posted on the web site of my NJ township’s department of public works:
“Citizens are reminded that it is illegal to attempt
to unlawfully reserve street parking.
Doing so may risk removal of offending material as
the case requires.”
Of course, many people are either unaware of or ignore that rule.
A well-respected posek in my town lives near the train station where there’s a lot of competition for parking spots, especially when snow piles block a bunch of them. When I attempted to use the cleaned out spot in front of his house, he came out and forbade me from doing so, claiming that it was reserved for his wife’s car.
I understood his position all too well and I did eventually find a spot quite a distance from the train station, but I was not a happy camper.
I don’t think you’ve stolen or hijacked any tefillos. You prayed for your father’s recovery (may he be granted a speedy and complete refuah), which is always a legitimate thing to do. Doing so in no way impinges on the tefillos of others.
May your sensitivity and concern about the impact of your actions on others be an added zechus for your father.
Since kids will be kids and, as you’ve now learned, some adults don’t understand the seriousness of the problem, you might want to consider a different approach.
More than likely, your physician has discussed with you what to do in the event that your daughter has an allergic reaction, like epinephrine injections, etc.
Make sure she carries (wears?) the antidote with her at all times with a note explaining in simple terms when and how it is administered (intended to be read by a by-stander in case of emergency). If she’s old enough, she should be trained in its use.
My former boss used to ask me that question fairly regularly. I’m starting to think that may have had something to do with his ending the relationship. 🙂
I think the issue is fear. Some people fear choosing the wrong partner to the point of avoiding the choice altogether. They worry that even though they like each other now, will that change over time? How well will the two of them face life’s inevitable challenges?
Concerns about the impact of mental health issues on a marriage can escalate rapidly and horror stories abound.
So, we assure them with advice like have havtacha in haShem and confidence in yourself and your partner, but not everyone’s concerns are so quickly assuaged.
I know I’m veering off topic, but the mention of Zalman Umlas reminded me of his father who I knew when I was in high school back in the 70s. Rabbi Umlas (I don’t think I ever heard his first name) and his wife ran the Sunday morning breakfast concession and I think they also doled out the Thursday night “mishmar” suppers, as well.
What I recall of him is that he was always a jovial man, but he didn’t put up with any guff from us wise guys.
Probably the most memorable for me were his very impressive basketball trick shots. His abilities on the court were all the more impressive considering that he was, shall we say, not in classic “athletic” shape. 🙂
I don’t object to being treated like a product unless they shelve me by the stinky cheese section.
Finally, a scandal one can sink one’s teeth into!
I remember how impressed I was the first time I received an invitation from friends offering me a choice of attending the tisch and the chuppah or the chuppah and the meal. It not only made sense controlling the astonishing cost of a wedding celebration, but it also afforded the recipient a guilt-free way to manage one’s time.
Perhaps I would have felt differently were close relatives involved, but for me at least, some of these affairs seem to go on and on beyond my patience to stay (not to mention my bed time).
Well, the first word in the title of this thread says it all: “Deceiving”. No one has the right to deceive anyone.
We’ve read repeatedly that even the most stringent, but knowledgeable observers of shemiras halashone agree that the parties involved (shadchanim, parents, etc) must reveal certain types of information before a wedding is planned. As always, consult YLOR.
Perhaps this could be seen as a teaching moment for a teacher.
One approach might be exploring with the children to analyze *why* they prefer one item over another. It doesn’t much matter whether the object is food, color, music or even people, the methods we use in making our choices may be equally as sound, unsound or arbitrary.
The teacher can then work with students to consider the benefits of overcoming one’s inclination in some cases and in deciding which situations merit a second look.
Note that translations of Hebrew or Aramaic isn’t always a simple matter.
While “?? ??? ?? ??” could refer to obesity, it could instead refer to skeletal structure, musculature or be merely a matter of personal observation and measure.
On the other hand, notice the word “????”. That could change the whole message of the medrash to mean that HaShem will help a person overcome just about any of those traits. But, ultimately one’s reputation is earned, not divinely granted.
My car doesn’t have a Shmuz magnet, but the car itself is a shmutz magnet.
Does that qualify?
There actually can be an unpleasant side-effect of too much coffee. Coffee – actually the caffeine – is, among other things, a laxative.
In practical terms that means that some people will experience “the runs” if they consume too much of it in a short period of time.
If you have a car and don’t mind driving 10 miles north to Aventura to get your meals ahead of time, there’s a terrific kosher supermarket / take-out place called Kosher Kingdom that I highly recommend (their web site lists only a small fraction of what they offer: link removed
You’ll probably need a refrigerator in your hotel suite as well.
It’s important to define terms. What does “love” mean?
There are different kinds of love we experience. There’s love for children, parents, other relatives, close friends, etc. Which type of love are we obligated to feel towards another Jew not in one of the aforementioned categories?
Rabbi Dessler, zt”l, in “Michtav m’Eliyaju” writes that the best way to to come to love another Jew is to help them. By investing one’s self in the advancement and development of another, one comes to love the recipient of those efforts. In a much smaller scale, he suggests that this is a component of the parent-child bond.
I did the upgrade and am happy with the result.
The upgrade process itself was not as smooth for me as it should have been, but fortunately there are a lot of very knowledgeable people who post work-arounds for just about any issue that one might encounter. Bear in mind that W-10 has been out for quite a while among volunteer testers and software developers, so a lot of the oddities have been discovered and addressed in some manner, though MS itself has been oddly slow about publicizing fixes.
One thing to consider is that in the default install settings, many of the privacy controls are set to share as much personal information as possible. That maximizes behind-the-scenes potential revenue-generating data gathering, which is what MS is counting on to recoup their investment in putting this all together and boost their profits over time.
One can override these settings during installation by choosing the custom set-up option and picking and choosing what gets shared carefully. Of course, nothing is foolproof, but it can cut down a lot of the marketing “noise” some people have complained about.
B’hatzlacha.
It’s a sensitive issue, but, for me at least, there are differences in methodology between selecting one’s personal rav or posek and formulating an opinion about more public figures with international notoriety.
Choosing one’s rav is more about compatibility, approachability and accessibility than knowledge, provided the rav has the integrity to recognize his own limitations. Issues beyond the knowledge and experience of any rav can be addressed in consultation with other rabbanim possessing greater knowledge and experience.
However, as far as public figures are concerned, the best approach is simply to listen/read pronouncements made in their name and then refrain from public criticism of those pronouncements or the person even on topics one feels strongly about. There’s just no way anyone can judge from a distance the character and abilities of those publicized as Torah leaders.
In what I think are the vast majority of times, people choose and then root either for or against a particular gadol the same way people choose to root for against sports teams or athletes, l’havdil. It becomes more about one’s personal pride (he’s the rav I chose or he supports *my* opinion on the matter, so I proclaim his merits or, r”l, the opposite) than an honest evaluation of the issue or person.
A white shirt exposed to real work doesn’t remain white very long!
It might be a good idea to first determine whether her kashrus standards are the same or better than those of her date.
Of course, isn’t the guy taking the woman to dinner a standard shidduch activity? This sounds like an underhanded way of getting to her to pick up the tab.
I think it’s really important question. even in towns where the local Vaad instituted cost caps on such affairs and the community adhered to them, the costs are still very high
While I do like the idea of putting aside money each year for each child, that takes a lot of commitment and sacrifice (mazal, too) considering other major expenses a family typically faces over the same period, housing and tuition being obvious examples.
I think it will take a lot of courage on the part of well known, respected and well-to-do families to trail-blaze a new approach to weddings and make them less about the pomp and circumstance and more about emotionally supporting the new couple. Once classy, wealthy people make it fashionable, there will be far less pressure on those of lesser means to over-extend themselves to keep up appearances.
In my own, personal, clearly biased observations, I’ve met married people with all sorts of abhorrent traits – physical, intellectual, ethical, behavioral, etc. So, there’s no set of traits that assures success or failure in the shidduch game.
In the end, shidduchim – and many things in life for that matter – is about salesmanship. If the product isn’t selling, then improve the product or find less discriminating customers.
Yes, it sounds crass and perhaps it is, but hiding one’s head in the sand and howling at the moon isn’t going to solve anything.
Either stop obsessing about how the world *ought* to be and deal with the world as it is or learn to live without the things you seek.
The rav of my shul has given a few mussar shmusim about those who leave used tissues for others to, um, “enjoy”.
As improper it is to habitually neglect returning seforim to their proper place, I think the tissue thing is far worse (ugh!).