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A woman who gave birth to a baby with a problem told her doctor that it’s interesing that on her block several babies were recently born with problems. The doctor responded that what is interesting is how most babies are born healthy. A healthy baby is a miracle.
I think the same can be said about marriage. The fact that two people can be made to live together and most stay marriage forever, that is a miracle.
I would say that many marriages that end in divorced, even before the engagement, there wasn’t a big level of comfort in making the engagement to begin with.
Sure, there are divorces that happen because of interfences from the in-laws, however, just because people say that was the cause doesn’t mean that is the cause. Parents may encourage their child to leave a marriage simply because they see it’s bad for their child. Doesn’t mean the child isn’t thrilled to pieces to get divorced. All they need is that support from their parents.
We all make mistakes, and sometimes the marriage is a mistake because there is simply no compatibility.
Sometimes one partner is really an emotionally sick person, and no matter what the other partner does to make the marriage work, it won’t help.
There are those that don’t walk around with socks on Motzei Shabbos, because an avel removes his shoes after Shabbos and walks around with socks.
A pushita yid:
You have things backwards.
“Women must know that they have an innate attractiveness to their husbands, and as long as they try to look nice and talk gently and supportively to him, he will love her 100 times back.”
If a man will be nice and talk gently and supportive to his wife, she will love him 100 times more back.
“Women must adjust to a man’s way of thinking.”
a man must do the same for his wife.
“A good man is kind to all, regardless.”
Certainly not with such an attitude.
From Chofetz Chaim Hilchot Rechilut: Chapter 9
Certainly if the observer knows that a deception is in progress he should warn the customer. [One of the examples:]
C. If the shopkeeper is inflating the price. This is only if the price is inflated more by than one sixth (i.e. one fifth of the correct price); the Chafetz Chaim explains that overcharging by less than one sixth may be permissible.
Personally, as for menchlichkeit, I don’t see anything wrong with what she did. In her eyes, she was doing you a favor and while you didn’t appreciate it, a lot of people would have.
1000% and very well said!
I think mid-winter vacation is a good idea. My kids kvetch a lot about not going to who knows where, but even so, I think they benefit from having a few days off. I take off one day from work to spend with them, and we all have fun. True that I would prefer that they not have those few days off, but that’s a self centered attitude.
The question is:
What is worse: putting oneself in physical danger, or putting oneself into spiritual danger?
If both are bad, who cares what is worse? Both shouldn’t be used.
However, I would say without a doubt that a spritual harm is a whole lot worse than physical harm.
One difference between them is: facebook looks innocent and is potentially harmful. Smoking everyone knows is harmful.
While nobody keeps such things secret, many people wouldn’t like it that it became a subject of discussion on this board.
I know I wouldn’t.
I think you should write your sister a letter. This way you can be careful what you say, and you won’t be putting her on the spot.
It would be a real pity if there was just a misunderstanding that has caused this. Or perhaps she has a real reason, that is easy to fix.
If she doesn’t want to offer any reason, she can just ignore the letter. And if you think it’s better, you could state in the letter that while you would love an explanation, it’s not necessary for her to respond if she doesn’t want to. Or she can respond whenever she feels up to it.
If you word it right, you won’t offend her. And no harm will be done.
I don’t agree with those who say leave it alone, just be happy she’s happy. You can be happy she’s happy, but if something can be done, why not try? Futhermore, she may not be happy, but doesn’t want you to know it and that’s why she is keeping away. (Obviously you should take this possiblity with a large grain of salt, since of course I don’t know that is true, just throwing out a possiblity, since I know people who made believe they were the happiest married couple, while nothing was further from the truth.)
“These women want the best OB doc, but when the doc decides to do a procedure, they all scream I don’t want it -it’s not necessary. If you don’t want to have any procedures use a mid-wife, not a doctor; that is the difference between the two!”
I’m sure this is news to not just me. Procedures are to be done when necessary, whether one is using a midwife or doc. If mid-wife can’t do the procedure, she calls in a regular doctor provided the procedure is necessary. If it isn’t necessary, a regular doctor shouldn’t be performing it either.
Patients should always be pro-active when dealing with doctors. If something isn’t necessary, then women have the right to object it not get done. And that right shouldn’t be compromised just because she wants the best doctor.
“A midwife in a hospital is the best of both worlds.”
Giving birth is scary. How anyone can be comfortable doing it at home is beyond me.January 1, 2011 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973327
“You feel that women can’t be trusted. I feel that women who are happy can be trusted. WE DISAGREE.”
Actually, this is not what we disagree with. I happen to think women can be trused. At least a whole lot more than men.
If you look at my previous posts you will see that what I disagree with is your premise that a happy woman won’t fall prey to the net, while an unhappy woman, if she is susceptible to the net, she will be susceptible finding bad outlets without the net too. I dont believe that is true at all.
Your story about someone calling you proves nothing.
Just the fact you received that phone call, changes your perception, but may not be reality. Just like a person who is mugged will believe crime went up, even if crime really went down.
1. as I mentioned before, I guarantee most sheitel machers didn’t receive such a call.
2. It was ONE man who called you.
3. It was a MAN who called, not a female client who requested help in finding someone.
Sure these things are not new. But there is no comparison to sick men randomly makinig phone calls, (and randomly finding a woman in a vulnerable state), which most frum women likely hung up on, and having a source in the home for those who need an outlet by looking for someone to talk. It was not women who were calling men on the phone!!
And the internet is ADDICTIVE. I saw a cartoon that says it all. A message popped up on the computer screen, “you have been online for one year, would you like to get off and get a life?”.December 31, 2010 4:27 pm at 4:27 pm in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973325
I changed my mind about not explaining.
I guarantee you more than 95% of the sheitel machers in brooklyn didn’t receive the kind of phone call you did. And you know of ONE sheitel macher who did this. If there were more, there were very very few. Well, this “sheitel macher” of today are in 1000’s of peoples homes.
Futhermore, for a frum woman to do this, no matter how unhappy she is, she has to have very weak hashkafos and/or be sick in the head.
Not so online. One can be completely anonymous online. One can just “chat”. No big deal. Which is a vast differences from being willing to meet a strange man in person set up by this sheitel macher doing who knows what.
After a long time chatting with one person they selected, feelings can take over, logic flies out the window, and then all hovac can break lose.
And indeed these things happen even to women with good marriages.
And it’s very poshut to understand that having access to bad places in your own home, is vastly different than going out to the places you mentioned. They are many miles apart.December 31, 2010 2:42 pm at 2:42 pm in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973322
And btw, ARIES, there was something in your post that I never heard of. The things I read on YWN boggles the mind!!! This is a frum site, why should I be learning about some garbage that until now I never heard of? People ought to post in a more subtle way. There is no reason to be so explicit.December 31, 2010 2:30 pm at 2:30 pm in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973321
“If someone is unhappy in their marriage and they want to find a way to get some happiness in their lives, they don’t need a computer to do it. Does the internet make it easier? Sure, it makes everything easier, but again even those who don’t have a computer will find their way to happiness if they want to”
You missed my point, and I won’t explain it again.
However, I do strongly object to your using the word “happiness”. You can call it pleasure, addictions, get relief from pain or many other words. But happiness they do not get.
I have a cd called “The road to happiness” by Rabbi Frand. He asks if happiness means pleasure, and said that the celebrities in hollywood seek nothing but pleasure, yet, they are not happy at all. I heard a BT speak who used to work with celebrities from Hollywood and said “they are the most miserable people on earth.”December 30, 2010 12:29 am at 12:29 am in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973318
You are articulate and insightful, but I stand by what I said. For one thing, if, as we believe, that men have a harder time and are much more prone to this type of behavior, then it is more men who would be doing bad things with or without the internet. A whole lot more than the women.
People are unaware of how strong the yetzer hara is. And how sneaky. At first everything is “I’m careful”. I would never do something bad. Then the first time someone does something even a little bad, the person feels terrible, and says never again. But the yetzer is strong, and there comes a second time too. With each time, it gets just a teansy bit easier, until there is no longer a battle. And of course when there is no battle anymore, it means the person lost the battle. This can happen to the strongest man or woman. The one who davens erlich, learns a lot (if it’s a man), says tehillim etc. The tzadik or tzadeikis!! My point is, a woman who won’t go out looking for trouble, might get into trouble by having the internet in her home!!!
There is a joke, “A clean house is a sign of a broken computer”.
For those who think it’s no big deal if a woman spends too much time online, think again. The kids suffer, the husband suffers, and the women herself suffers.
Imagine a woman who doesn’t have children after being married many years (or some other tzorah). If she needs something to do, to distract herself, she may take out a tehillim and cry to Hashem. Or, she will go shopping. Or go out with friends. Not so with a computer. She can spend hours online, and it’s a waste of precious time, even if she doesn’t do anything wrong. And don’t make the mistake. A woman is not immune to the yetzer hara.December 29, 2010 11:08 am at 11:08 am in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973306
“Flowers, unfortunately these things happened when women were unhappy way before the internet was invented. When women are unhappy opportunity finds away to find them with or without the internet.”
You gotta wonder then what the fuss is about the internet anyway, since according to you, anyone who wants to do wrong will find a way without the net too. And those that don’t want to do wrong, won’t be affected the net.
To bring glory and praise to Hashem.
A few weeks ago I was at the dentist. The Frum dentist was critisizing to his gentile assistant about how bad Jewish mothers of large families are when it comes to take care of their children. I won’t go into everything he said, but i was appalled!
Speaking Lashon Hara about Jews to non-Jews is a terrible chillul Hashem.
Hay you’ve got me on this one, but no reason to rush to divorce for this alone.”
If you can say this you have zero understanding of abuse, nor are you familiar with any real abuse.
Maybe I got you on this one because you think women are stupid and worthless too.
Good point! I pulled this list off a site, which I shouldn’t have done. Usually though, when there is abuse, the abuser matches multiple of the signs, not just one or two.
Mood swings doesnt mean becoming saddened about something, but rather flying into a rage about nothing.
As for actions dont match words: This is such a classic symptom of an abuser. And it’s certainly not as simple as a an instance of failing to do something he promised to do.December 28, 2010 1:25 pm at 1:25 pm in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973299
“A woman will only fall prey to another man if and only if there is trouble in her own home. That will happen with or without internet.”
First part I agree with you 90%. The other part is not true. The internet unfortunately gives opportunity that she won’t have otherwise.December 28, 2010 1:14 pm at 1:14 pm in reply to: Should The Wife Have Total Control Of The Home Internet? #973298
How about when the woman is a goy? does that make things equal?
Also, not all of them “run off”. But marriages can and do suffer when the husband has a secret life. And in such cases, it doesn’t either have to be equal.
Some signs of abuse:
I never in my life heard anyone call that abusive.
Rather some men rationalize that this is their wife’s problem rather than admit they are abusive.
There is a story of woman was driving on the highway when saw a serious accident that had just occurred. Horrified, she recited a chapter of Tehillim on behalf of the injured.
[number] around [something] [such-and-such a date]
Any person who helps another person only increases their zechusim. Just like giving tzedakah or any other help we give.
From the preface of book “Praying with fire” (a great book btw)
The mabit writes that tefillah is a mitzvah in the Torah, “To serve Him with all your heart”…. The gemarah says “it means tefillah”…. The form of the mitzvah of tefillah is to express Hashem’s praise and to ask for our various needs, because by doing so, we affirm that the fulfillment of our needs lies in His hands alone….
The Chovos HaLevavos writes that the purpose of tefillah is not to change Hashem’s mind but rather to bring us to the realization that our fate is completely dependent on His will, that we can only survive through His mercy. The very act of prayer, however, elevates, exalts, and transforms us, so that we are no longer the same people we were before……
Rav Eliyahu Lopian said “When people pray for another person, they become like his talmidim in that he is causing them to gain merit.”
In other words, whenever a person causes a good thing, whether consciously or unconciously, he gains merit for causing it.
When we pray for a sick person, we draw closer to Hashem, and we become transformed through prayer. The sick person caused this transformation, and the merit for that goes for him. The more people that pray for him and are elevated, the more merit he accumulates.
So in answer to your question, do you yourself benefit from saying tehillim for another person? Absolutely!!!December 23, 2010 2:08 am at 2:08 am in reply to: If You Could Be ANYONE For One Day,Who Would It Be? #720753
Every single day we are given the opportunity to be a new/different person – ourself but in a better version.December 22, 2010 6:38 am at 6:38 am in reply to: Chinuch: Would you allow a game console (Wii/PS3/XBOX) or not? #719739
If it ends up being a bad decision, once bought, you can never change your mind about it. Yup, kids need an outlet, but why must it be something that has potential to poisen their soul? There are other outlets.December 16, 2010 2:49 pm at 2:49 pm in reply to: Shaitle Fraud Chillul Hashem Video: Sha'ar haTumah haChamishim #718144
>>But I always thought that if the story died down, rather than allowing for more scrutiny..<<
This is pretty laughable too. You have been scrutinizing the videos to death.
People have very long memories, and while it may not have been a topic for long, over the next 30 years people will bring up “remember ….”
At least the video by Georgie gives most intelligent people reason to doubt the guilt of the couple. And in a great many peoples mind, it exonerates the coupleDecember 16, 2010 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm in reply to: Shaitle Fraud Chillul Hashem Video: Sha'ar haTumah haChamishim #718143
I watched the Georgies video again, and as I stated earlier, I didn’t see that she fumbled, but if she did a little, it is normal. That was my point. And if I had to speak to prove someone’s innocence, I would!! Regardless of how uncomfortable it t made me.
To be honest, I hesitated responding to your posts since it’s clear no matter what is said you will believe in the couple’s guilt.
>>You sound very frustrated! <<
You think you’re an expert in human emotions and know exactly how people should respond to everything! There was no reason for Heidi to mention at the time of questioning that Georgies was one of the people who said the wig is irrepairable. And, you’re wrong here too!! I’m not frustrated. Why do you think I should be?
>>I dont have an axe to grind here! I dont even know these two people. <<
I know you don’t know them!! It’s very easy to be critical of and hurt people you don’t know. If u would know them, I guarantee you wouldn’t be talking this way about them.
>>Actually I found it very eidel how they just walked out of the courtroom , quietly, without expressing any remorse even to the moderator about their feeling s<<
I only spoke to Heidi once and she is indeed a very eidel woman. But what you just said that you were impressed they didnt express any remorse is really laughable.
Torah, Avodah, Gemillas chassadim.December 15, 2010 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm in reply to: Shaitle Fraud Chillul Hashem Video: Sha'ar haTumah haChamishim #718137
>>I saw that same interview and sad to say, it seemd like a sloppy cover up. She fumbled so many times, I’m surpirsed she was courageous enough to speak out.<<
I dont think she fumbled at all. And if it was me speaking even about just the weather, knowing I was on camera, I would have fumbled.
>>1.She was in France according to her on Succos. This happened in November.<<
So what? Who says she wasn’t still in France whenever this court case happened? and how do you know when the case happened?
>>2.H had nothin g to wear so she had to make a rush sheitel. what happened to the fall??<<
People do not wear their fall for all occassions. For example Shabbos, Yom Tov and chasunahs, they won’t wear one. I dont know when the sheitel got ruined, but perhaps it was before the yomim tovim that she needed a regular sheitel? Regardless, she may still have needed a regular sheitel
>>3. ‘H eide is my favorite customer’ ugh, pleassssse. She only bought one sheitel there!!!<<
So what? One can go to Gerogies also to have the wig washed and set. She’s wearing a wig for ten years. How do you know she hasn’t been going to her for 10 years?
>>This interview made it ten times worst,<<
I dont think so. I think it makes it ten times better. At least puts a doubt in a persons mind, that perhaps Heidi isn’t guilty at all.
>>and YES it is OUR business if our fellow Jews create such a ruckus on national televesion which can seriously harm our relationship with the outside wordld!! <<
No, it is NOT. And what do you think you’re doing, Ms High and Mighty? Do you think your posts on a web site about how guilty she definately is is a kiddush Hashem? In fact, YOU are making this chillul Hashem a whole lot worse.
And your questions are not logical. You are looking for holes to make heidi look guilty. And I’m sure you can find a 100 more questions to “prove” her guilt.