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Same way you get to Carnegie Hall. Practice, Practice, Practice.
yid.period – of course. I personally love short cute divrei Torah. I love discussing them, and hope to find a boy who likes to do the same.
todahrabba – Never once has a guy asked for a bubbly entertaining girl in my experience. and as for isn’t there more to a girl than personality… there may be but I think it’s definitely something appropriate to ask for, if you know you need a particular personality!
shorosh: Their Emunah can be deeper and their determination as well since they may have overcome more challenges. Every person is different – I’m just making generalizations.
coffeefan – oh my. A boy once brought me to a place next door where my father works. He walked in on us in the middle! (I told the boy that my father works next door and would be there… he decided to go anyway!) He just totally did not get it. I still am trying to figure out what I could have said!
s2021 – yeah I was just thinking, if this is the latest chumra, what are all the girls who don’t look like models going to do?
No, I would actually like such a boy, they are generally much deeper than regular frum boys and have been frum long enough that there is no difference.
PBA: Just wondering.
Do boys think it is weird for a girl to ask for a boy with no unhealthy habits?
guy ocho – I think girls find looks easier to ignore.
Stamford: After the first two dates, the conversation should flow on its own and get more serious.
No, they don’t keep on getting longer… the first should be limited to like 2-3 hours MAXIMUM, the second can be longgg if you really like the person, then it sort of plateaus. (Not that I’ve dated so much, but based on hearsay_
1. Music
2. chocolate
3. smile even if you dont’ feel like it
4. talk to a friend
5. go take a walk.
Then come back here and tell us if you’re still depressed.
Every girl is different. For me, intelligence, integrity and kindness.
What about Teddy Bears?
You just need to slow down… you move too fast!
The funny thing is I get told this all the time in real life too!
Most of the reputable ones online also cost $$$$.
Also, studies show that part of what works with nutritionists is that you feel personally accountable to someone. Working online may not provide you with that level of motivation.
Also, if you’re allergic to them, pets aren’t good for you.
But some kids need them as a healthy outlet.
Why not go to a real life nutritionist?
I got an alarm clock that also has a vibrator. It’s amazing – the first time it went off I thought there was an air raid siren, but it sure woke me up!
I don’t use it every day because I don’t want to get used to it – the vibrating alarm is great when you’re sleeping over and don’t want to wake anyone else, and the noise + vibrating is great when you’re going to be really tired in the AM and want to make SURE you get up.
Also, no alarm will work if you don’t get minimum sleep!! If you don’t go to sleep before 12 it will definitely be hard to get up in the morning, even if a herd of buffalo pours water on you as they stampede through your room dropped by a helicopter.
Never heard of this, and I’ve had pets for years and various rabbonim in my house throughout that time.
You mean you hate yourself because you’re not as thin as you would like to be, and are jealous of skinny people. Thank Hashem you’re a healthy weight if you are and you wouldn’t want the opposite extreme either.
As a very skinny person, I can tell you there is nothing to be jealous of. I struggle to keep on the pounds and am at least 15 lbs underweight. When I get sick it’s hard to eat and when I fast it takes me 3 days to recover. This runs in one side of my family and only goes away after we have kids (then we become normally thin instead of terribly underweight.)
It may sound like fun to you but believe me it used to really scare me how easily I bruised and how hard it was for me to gain weight.
You mean the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s tziyun? People go there to get engaged (Lubavitchers)
Last night, I told my 16 year old brother how proud I am of him for NOT drinking. He says there’s a lot of social pressure but I’m glad his head is screwed on right. 🙂
My father drinks a cup of wine then goes to sleep to fulfill the mitzva.
Canine, you’re absolutely right. Personally, cursing is an immediate turnoff for me, no questions asked. I don’t care if it slipped out, some things are not allowed to slip out. Some people may be used to it from their parent or at work – Not me.
Whereas, “stinginess” as long as he makes sure I’m not starving (Ie on a 5 hour date (not that I’ve gone on too many of those) makes sure there’s a snack) is actually a good thing in my opinion. It shows he isn’t going to waste his money on impressing every girl, and has more to offer than money.
real-brisker: In general, it’s generally not the way a ben Torah should be driving. Deracheha Darchei Noam – even on the Derech!
If done on a date, though, that indicates that it wasn’t a mistake – it’s his way of driving and he doesn’t even realize how dangerous it is and that he could be making a chillul Hashem.
I wouldn’t consider this a deal breaker but it bothered me a lot.
Reckless driving. I was in a car on a date, and he sideswiped another car filled with children.
Another person I went out with, was a great driver and I must say it impressed me that he remained calm and asked if we could stop talking so he could concentrate when there was a tricky area.
Yossi Z. That you don’t like discussing yeshiva politics or gossip.
I heard that there’s an opening for a grammar checker. 🙂
No,I was a teen fairly recently and love being an adult.
Just last week, I was feeling burned out and decided to take a day off from work and studying and relax. I walked around Boro Park, ate some pizza, and went home. The weather was ok and I felt so calm and relaxed and ready to jump back into things.
I could never do that when I was in high school.
Also, I love learning what I’m interested in and picking classes, and working in a field suited to me, instead of having to do whatever the schedule in school is.
So make the most of high school, but remember that what’s really going to count is your choices in the real world as an adult.
Yossi Z., that’s impressive.
How about asking girls what they do, their job, what’s their favorite part of the job, what shiurim/books they like (if she’s an intellectual type), if they enjoy reading and if so what,
do they follow politics, do they read Yated, Hamodia, Mishpacha, Binah, Ami, or Zman and why.
If not intellectual – what do they do in their spare time, what do they do for fun, on vacation, chessed committments… let it flow!
And complaining about it will help us how?
We should write when we oppose and when we support. Showing we care is the way to get things done. And mods – there’s an earlier post of mine that doesn’t seem to be up in this thread 🙂
Thanks!
m in Israel – Thank you for being the voice of reason on this thread!
smartcookie – you’re right. I daven that Hashem should send me a man who is healthy inside and out and takes good care of himself, due to his Yiras Shamayim.
Thank you for correcting me.
Never had any problem with it.
For girls:
1. compliment him on his parking/driving (especially if he stands back to admire his parallel parking…. that’s your cue)
2. Let him start and direct the conversation, but don’t be afraid to speak up and say what you think (boys don’t generally get hints, and they don’t get offended easily)
3. Smile when you talk
4. On a first date, do not bring up anything controversial. Starting the second date, you can bring up more interesting topics. On the first date, let him decide where the convo will go.
5. Ask him about himself… his favorite summer, class, future plans, etc. Ask him if he could tell you a little bit about his yeshiva (they LOVE talking yeshiva politics!)
Leeches are an example of an old medical practice being put to good use. While they won’t help for strep throat, for example, (in the past, they used it for everything) they are great for limbs with gangrene! So both types are good, at the right time.
Thank you for posting this.
Of course it is appropriate for us to express our hakaras Hatov.
I will do it now and am ashamed I didn’t think of it earlier.
Of course I want to marry a guy that smokes! If he dies young he’ll leave me all his money and I can marry somebody else. If he doesn’t, I’ll get to nurse him for years through cancer, heart disease, etc. Who wouldn’t want to marry such a guy? And a masmid, with good middos, a tachshit of a bachur who loves Shabbos (and dashes out to smoke immediately after.)
No, I wouldn’t want to even date a man who smokes. I just didn’t want you to be totally bored with the responses in this thread.
1. I have 2 friends for whom Accutane literally saved their lives. They went from being extremely ugly to the most beautiful girls and had no problem with shidduchim. Severe acne can cause way more pain and is very dangerous (it can become infected and is extremely painful.) But you need to see a dermatologist if you ahve serious acne, and you should accept accutane if they recommend it.
2. Go to Edita 718-646-6831, a lady in Flatbush that treats acne with all natural medications. This worked for my acne which was not so bad. But I went to a dermatologist first and only tried Edita when other stuff didnt’ work (mine is stress related, as opposed to the more severe hormonal types.)
6 Ways You Can Sleep Better Naturally:
1. Get up 1 hour earlier than usual in the AM, so that you’ll be tired at night. You may need to break the cycle. (6:00 is a good time for me. Do it with a little sister or someone who will be excited about it the first few times.)
2. Some people are tense so they can’t sleep. This is usually my problem. 🙂 I start thinking about all the things I have to worry about tomorrow. Chamomile tea, drinking a lot of milk before you go to sleep (with supper, so you won’t need the bathroom), or taking plain tylenol (if you get the drowsy side effect like I do, it’s healthier than other sleeping pills) really helps with tension. Note: DO NOT take benadryl or anything addictive as you will build up tolerance.
3. Think about taking a yoga class. When I did, it really helped me learn to relax and focus on my body in a calm way. I still use some of what I learned there when I need to relax.
4. If you get up in the middle of the night, use Chamomile tea. I only do this when I’m extremely stressed about something. Make sure the tea is strong, one bag may not be enough depending on your size. Drinking milk can also help, but not as much in my experience
5. People have suggested melatonin but since I don’t have a sleep cycle problem, just trouble falling asleep due to tension, I’ve avoided it.
6. In general, problems falling asleep have to do with your lifestyle. Unless a person CH”v has a TBI or major hormonal issues, usually making even 1 of these changes to your life will help you sleep much better. You need to be honest with yourself and willing to change your habits.
So basically, you need to look at WHY you can’t sleep. I sleep very well most of the time using these methods, but you need to find what works for YOU. Try to stay away from unnecessary medications and use natural remedies first. Hatzlacha!
Dr. Dreyfus is really really good, from Flatbush. Many people go to him. (I have on rare occasions, when I had constant pain and he was always on the mark as to the cause and treated it immediately, so there were no extra visits.) He’s also a really nice person. His wife works with him and you can ask for either one, but I’ve always used him.
It only costs $10 with my insurance.
AskRabbi Twerski whospecailizes in this.
Midwest:: Agreed.
Health: Actually, several things have been added to the DSM through politics – such as binge eating and combining the sociopathic personality disorders into antisocial personality disorder in the next edition. PMS, a very real disorder which has plenty of scientific research to back it, is not in the DSM for political reasons. You can google for more.
Whoever said that the DSM included ADD so that people could be paid for treating it is absolutely right, as that is the primary practical function of the DSM. Unlike its medical counterpart, the DSM is not “scientific” in the sense that the diseases do not correspond to biological conditions and therefore there is a lot of leeway in it to change diagnoses.
So back to the issue, it makes most sense to present ADHD as a learning issue rather than a mental health issue. It’s more about whether the person found a niche wherein to use their abilities than whether the person has a problem. Many kids with ADD today, would have been great in the shtetl where they didn’t need to sit 12 hours a day learning.
Health is correct, ADHD is a mental illness as per the DSM. However, in the frum community, mental illness is far more stigmatized than learning issues, which is the primary problem with most ADHD kids. In that sense, it is not a mental illness as many people grow out of it – it is far more a developmental issue, some people have great focusing abilities, some struggle, and some never develop it and always need medication.
Therefore, anyone who knows anything about ADD/ADHD would not worry too much about the genetics, as it is something that you cannot predict based on genetics and most children either grow out of it or find a way to cope without medication.
So in terms of shidduchim, which the lady asked about, I would not categorize ADHD as a mental illness. Some people turn it to an advantage – I know someone who was valedictorian, in charge of several things in school, and no one would ever guess that their energy came from ADHD, and this person could be redt to your daughter as the TOP bachur in Lakewood, he no longer needs the medication and is just an amazing person.
It’s like having many ear infections as a child. Some people need to be on antibiotics constantly, some lose some hearing although no one notices it until they’re older, and it’s slightly genetic, but no one discriminates in shidduchim about it.
Happiest, it took a lot of courage for you to compose this thread and i admire you for it.
As for medications: They need to be used properly. However, I know several cases where medication was life changing.
AD(H)D IS NOT a mental illness. It’s a style of brain; scientific evidence (those interested can email for journal references) shows that it is most likely due to having less of certain neurotransmitters. However, medication is not necessary and is often used like a splint, until the person is able to grow out of it.
I know someone who took Ritalin for years, but as she got older she needed less and less and as an adult takes no medication at all. When she was younger she was a terrible student and alienated her friends when she didn’t have teh medication, but with the medication she grew up into a fine young woman.
if you’re nervous about it, that’s a good sign that there IS some problem with it, for you. While other people may be able to do this and stay frum, some people are affected more than others.
To me, the problem is – Why do you not feel like you can socialize with other frum people? Are you comfortable with Baalei Teshuva who have integrated with the community?
We need friends and should have as many as possible, but we also need to develop friends, adn that takes effort. It says knei lecha chaver, buy yourself a friend, and having a friend is just as important as having a rabbi.
Please keep us updated how your relationship is going adn how youa re developing new friends int he frum world.
Have a wonderful shabbos!