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You’re right, what else can anyone say?
I have yichus, but don’t know what it is.
Im lo neviim, bnei neviim heim… we are all either prophets or the children of prophets.
And health – even if your wife did abuse you, the fact that you are “bashmutzing” her the first chance you get, does not show that you learned the lessons from your first marriage.
SJS and msseeker: right.
TMB: He is a Rov who also helps with legal aspects. I used the word litigator because of the legal aspects.
Cantoresq: I don’t know what area of divorce you deal with, but many divorces are not as peaceful as you are describing.
Professional: Thank you for supporting my figure, I have heard it from more than one source.
And Health, I’ve heard enough men whining about their terrible wives who put food on the table, raise the children, suffer abuse from their husband until they realize they can’t save the marriage and it’s hurting their children as well, and then these men try to turn their children against their mother and gain custody in order to “win”. It’s your job now to PAY CHILD SUPPORT no matter how unfair life is.
A divorced man – can remarry very easily, and have a happy family. If you fixed whatever went wrong in your first marriage. It is MUCH harder for a divorced woman, they are left with nothing. Even if it was her fault, you can manage. She is suffering much mroe than you are.
So get therapy for whatever issues caused the divorce, and remarry, and stop blaming her for ruining your life.
I am sorry that the rest of the CR has to read this, but this is the truth.
tryingmybest: Those are examples of normal marital conflict. Abuse is different. When an abuser is described as having mood swings – we’re talking about being really sweet one minute, hitting her the next minute. Abuse is not “why didn’t you take out the garbage”, it’s things that are not appropriate to write on yeshiva world.
Actions don’t match words – we are talking about psychopathic behaviors. Why don’t you look up the definition of sociopath and abuse.
I have a close family member who litigates divorces in the yeshivish/heimish community, and he says that 95% of divorces are the fault of the man. I also heard a big Rav saying the same thing. While yes both sides can be at faults, we have to be practical, and rescue women first, find out the facts later, or we risk losing and ruining many lives.
I hope there are boys who have yiras shamayim, midos tovos, intelligent and sincere, who perhaps go to college and are willing to be responsible for the parnassa, so we can put bread on the table and take care of children. I hope to marry such a person.
no TV. Ch’v
Sarah Dabba is closed tomorrow
So is Touro College
Al Taamod Al Dam Reiecha – If someone is in danger, or we have any reason to suspect they may be, or claims to be in danger – our #1 priority is to take them out of danger. Act first, ask questions later. And fabie, if you will excuse my saying so, this is not the right place to ask those questions. We don’t want to know who and what and where and why, we want to help.
Shalom Task Force hotline is at 718-337-3700 or visit online at http://www.shalomtaskforce.org. They are the best. As their ad says, “It hurts to call a domestic abuse hotline, but it hurts more not to.”
There are also shelters. Call for help
I got this from an article by Ohel: OHEL’s Domestic Abuse Program offers a range of completely confidential services from private counseling, weekly support groups, to safe dwellings. All services are free of charge. Our telephone number is 718 851-6300. Please ask to speak to our intake coordinator where you will find a sensitive individual who will take your information and refer you to our department. You will then receive a call from one of our counselors directly.
They should have left the car and asked to be directed to the nearest frum home.
There are hundreds of cars stranded, you leave a note with your name and call the authorities to tell them what’s going on. The only city things that were going were fire trucks – ambulances couldn’t leave the hospitals.
Ofcourse: Thank you.
BPTotty: Oy I feel so very sorry for you. I know how much taxes that kind of real estate costs, it’s mamash geferlach!!
charliehall: Yes, but there was a homiletical point there.
and sacrilege: I agree that girls should dress well. Even SHlomo Hamelech was swayed by looks and had to point out that sheker hachein v’hevel hayofi.
We have to make the best with what we’re given. Many beautiful people have not developed other aspects of their personality, and when it comes to marrying someone, while you have to put your best foot forward, anyone who is judging you only on looks deserves what they get.
I really have a very difficult peckel, and people just don’t understand how hard it is. My family is so rich we cannot decide to whom to give tzedaka too, and some of the stories I hear just break my heart. I have a photographic memory but am so bored I am doing this in class while directing a chessed event. Even without makeup, I’m so beautiful that my parents have had to disconnect the phone between 6 and 7 pm so that we can discuss the shidduchim that came up today. Unfortunately my grandfather, a Rosh Yeshiva, often needs someone to help my grandmother in the kitchen at that time, so we had to change the times and now we disconnect teh phone between 12am and 1am.
I really feel other’s pain as my own, so I don’t really need any pain. My only problem is that sometimes I struggle with arrogance. If only you knew how I struggle with arrogance, you would never envy me!
Of course, this is fiction. But I know that Hashem runs the world and gave me the perfect life for me. Aizehu ashir, hasameach b’chelko!
I named my computer something like “pascha_serving_Hashem” for that reason.
Your story saddened me but I feel that not judging judaism by the jews is very applicable here. You also don’t seem to have reached out for help before. It’s important to reach out for help when you need it – you seem to value independence a lot.
You know what passuk the OP reminded me of?
Hakol Kol Yaakov… v’hayadayim yedei Esav.
I wonder why…
I keep cholov yisrael in a situation that is not always easy. I freeze quarts of milk (they don’t explode becasue they’re made of plastic) and defrost them in the refrigerator. It has lasted as long as I needed it to, although I ahven’t tried it for more than 2 weeks.
apusheta – I completely agree except I wouldn’t have used that phrase! A girl over 24 not married has to choose the lesser of two evils, usually getting her degree.
It might be hard to sympathize, but I’m underweight and have had to deal with other things in shidduchim – being suspected of having an eating disorder for example. Despite the fact that anyone who knows anything about eating disorders would know right away that I am as healthy as can possibly be! (I have a healthy body image and do my best to gain weight but it’s genetic, my aunt was the same way and only normalized once she had kids, she’s still slim.)
It’s as hard for me to gain as it is for many people to lose. And it requires me to pay attention to my diet – I have a poor appetite and fast metabolism, and have to make sure that whatever I eat is healthy and high calorie in order to not be malnourished. Under stress I have to be especially careful not to neglect myself.
I just want you to know that not only overweight people have problems, being underweight is just as hard, and I feel like whenever I try to explain it, people invalidate the struggle, like it doesn’t matter because they’ve never dealt with it. Being underweight is not like being too smart – it’s really a dangerous condition and something that is hard to live with! And it hasn’t been an asset in shidduchim for me.
OK thanks for letting me say my piece. Please don’t attack me for this even if you can’t relate.
Pascha
“OT/PT and Speech are what most girls go into because, frankly, they do not demand a lot of creativity and intensity”
“The actual job, once learned, does not change that much.”
I’m sorry, those are completely inaccurate statements.
Sacrilege: Really? I know several people in these fields, and I see that there isn’t the potential there is in law or the other professions i mentioned- most who go into the therapies, are not about to start a clinic or do research in the field, for example. They just want to support a husband in kollel.
(Obviously I am making a major generalization, but my observation does account for why people in the therapies don’t intimidate boys.)
Most Jewish girls are smart BH.
OT/PT and Speech are what most girls go into because, frankly, they do not demand a lot of creativity and intensity, they involve a lot of memorizing and patience. The actual job, once learned, does not change that much.
Getting a doctorate, going into the sciences, or earning law degree is something only an exceptionally intelligent girl will attempt, someone who enjoys challenging mental work, and many such girls are also very frum and know halacha well. It’s easy to see how a 22 year old yeshiva boy with little education would be intimidated!
Also, I think it’s good to have some weaknesses and be aware of them. I personally thank Hashem for my very minor weaknesses (auditory stuff, organization, finances) because it will make it very easy for me to look up to my husband!
Yes, I voted.
it’s a developmental thing.
This is why I think it is important for girls to get married before grad school or med school.
Today I was at a modern shul and stood up for it in order not to offend anybody.
I’m trying to think of a situation where the title of this thread would not come from speaking about other people in a way that’s not l’toeles.
Very, very rude.
I’m happy you posted this – I was wondering what the source was for not stam dating the other day for use with a person I work with.
You never know who these topics can reach.
Sacrilege – Im also a girl in shidduchim and date BTs.
But most boys aren’t what I would consider “real” BTs (at least not the ones suggested to me) they just come from less observant homes and became more observant.
Ben Torah – yes, perfectly normal. Just please don’t put it in my artscroll biography!
I think it’s beautiful.
crzie: it does not work to put on salt – it makes the canker sore leave a scar on the mouth tissue (I know this from experience since I experimented with salt.)
What DOES help is salt water, that is anti-bacterial adn also helps the gingivitis that often comes along with canker sores.
Sounds very normal to me!! BH you have kids with lots of energy!!
I love all my siblings but clearly remember having fistfights when very young. As long as they can work together when they want to it’s fine, you can probably ignore it.
A person who acts the same way online as in “real” life.
I’m really shocked that this is allowed on YWN. Since when is this an issue in the frum world????
If the thread was about health consequesnes of obesity in married women, ok. But what is the Toeles of this except making women feel pressured??
(from an unmarried skinny person.)
The truth? Complain to my sister how stressed I am.
What I should do? Listen to calming music. Leave the computer.
I certainly don’t try to come off as frummer (not that it’s possible to get much frummer than me 1 yr ago!)
I hear a lot that girls do this but personally have no idea how or why someone would.
Having qualified teachers is generally not an issue in seminary. Educated teachers is another story.
BP TOtty: As healthful as sunshine… i think that’s pushing it. 🙂
WIY: You said not to use tznius, but I do find that it is a strong correlate. However, even stronger is someone who will talk about her struggles with tznius.
In a dating situation, if a girl brings up something that she is working on in herself, you know this is someone who cares if you see that reflected in her actions (as opposed to just trying to impress the other person with her frumness by not wearing a seatbelt or something.)
Pirkei Avos says Ain Am Ha’Aretz Chassid – if she is aware of small halachos and follows them, I would say she is a Yarei Shamayim. Also if she has a set time every day that she studies Halacha and/or shmiras Halashon.
Females of the CR – do you think this is correct?
Thanks!
Feif un – I’ve heard worse. MUCH worse.
How about a teacher asking the class, “How many of you have fathers still in kollel? Raise your hands.” She went on to say that anyone in Kollel is like shevet Levi, Hashem takes care of their parnasa, yada yada yada. Of course the implication is that those of us whose fathers were not in kollel, are Not like shevet Levi and Hashem doesn’t care about their parnasa unless supporting Talmidei Chachamim (it was even worse but I’ve forgotten the specifics by now.)
BP Totty – you sound like a great father!
WIY: That’s a really hard question and I honestly don’t know any answer. How do you know if someone has real Yiras Shamayim?
Only if we have dance classes to make it fair. Just like in the time of the Bais Hamikdash.