Forum Replies Created
best for who? why not ask your sons rebbi – or contact an experienced rebbi in a toronto mosad
make a deal with your neighbor , each can buy one and swap if you really want both .
coffee addict; i assume you were being sarcastic, corona? the gov has thrown 1000 times that at corona with minimal success ,
Daas yochid , the shana rishona gitin are the rigid people fighting over the principal. Bottom line extras is paid by whoever suggests it
a few points;
1. so the chossons parents are arguing over $ 350 – after the kallas side is paying an extra approx 5000 ?
2. and for what sushi & salami?? its true that people coming for kabolas panim need to eat something its supper time people drove in… but these are not the filing items like sesame chicken & rice…
3. context & flexibility; there are 2 general rules , different people spend money on diff. things because to”THEM” its important and worth it so for one mechutan sushi is more important than a lady photographer.. and to the other a nuttery station in NECESSARY – so whoever really wants it pays the extra & do it besimcha
rule 2 – which side has more money , if you do, be happy to be the “TZINOR” , thats your way of saying hodu lashem on the shiddduch , to start by helping the other tzad.
imagine choson kallah on the thursday phone call … my parents.. sushi, carving … 350$$$ – the satan has plenty of ways to shter a simcha…
to end w a short vort from the bobover ruv zatz”l. the gemora brings a proof that you can use money to make kiddushin & get married from the story of efron selling a burial plot to avrohom . the ruv explains that there was something unique about that transaction with a lesson to marriage and that is as follows . efron & avrohom walked away feeling they got the better end of the deal ; efron 400 silver pieces for an empty field what a deal ! and avrohom a mokom rau for the mearas hamachpela – a bargain . thats should be the attitude for each side to feel ,
as rav pam would say in yiddish “ver zogt az du darfst chapen der metzia by yenem, efsher darf yene chapen dee metzia by deer.
dude – sometimes we are, and many times we’re not , although i do like myself , however considering what hashem has given me ( job , brains, wife…great yeshiva, rabbeim…i should be way way better by now .2 lines about emes -shayn is es nisht uber emes iz es yeh, & ” EMES HUT CHEIN” . so u are correct that as a whole each yochid is awesome . one quick vort in line with your statemenet . In hilchos aveilus the mechaber says that at a hesped ” yegazem ktzas” “meaning u should exaggerate a little” , it begs the question a levaya is a moment of emes when nothing else matters , exaggerate? this is not a dinner or a sheva brochos? answers the TA”Z – that our opinion of people around us is generally under rating them, in truth our fellow yidden are better than the way we size them up , so by exaggerating i am in actuality saying the truth – ah gut shabbos
i dont have one , but is it fair to say that most are pretty loyal housekeepers & care givers?
reply to the real 1-? after your question i reread my comment. its so clear , leaving kollel comes with mixed emotions , be it scraping dollars to buy milk , or the disappointment of not finding enough sipuk , & the real fear of what can i do to bring home parnassa … many times the wife wanted & hoped to be able to juggle it all & physically cant.. and feels guilty… but its NEVER time to hang up skates & fulfill kesuva as if to say recess is over enough games time to buckle down…
the point about friday night challos was to give hope & confidence that somehow you’ll survive & make it . And having food , shelter , lights…is called making itJanuary 1, 2021 12:18 pm at 12:18 pm in reply to: Tznius — Not Directly Handing Items Between Men and Women #1934415
1. when discussing hus./ wife ( kesheyno tehora) clearly asur the mechabers reason is ” shema yigah bo – accidental touch – so in line with that reasoning , the same would be by any woman even a cashier….
2. The shach adds ” afilu davar aruch” where minimal chance of accidental touch as a “lo ploog”.)
3. However the rashba & others hold ” davka” beish veishto where there is kiruv daas & familiarity is it asur BUT by ordinary people its ok .
4. By regular strangers the general minhag is to accept things being passed , however in an office where there is collaboration , working closely on projects… strong gedarim are nec. & not a chumra according to both lines of reason. The title of the siman in E”H is ” lehisrachek” meaning that for us yidden its not enough that ” we didnt chas veshalom ” do anything” hashem has set a way higher bar for his am hanivchar that hirhur is not okJanuary 1, 2021 9:44 am at 9:44 am in reply to: Tznius — Not Directly Handing Items Between Men and Women #1934432
thinking it over , if according to the mechaber would be makom lechumra but meikar hadin mutar by stranger will review over shabbos.
gaol hadorah; my comment on parnassa being a nes .. is that of course we work hard, yet can we expect a regular working person to make 100K+ . on paper it doesnt add up but somehow hashem is mazmin & am yisroel survives thats the nes i was referring too.
bored guy- your topic is valid & worthy of discussion , BUT you are not in kollel and have little shaychus to that world , you gave yourself away in just 3 lines. 1000’s have left kollel to enter the next stage of life as a working ben torah , doing hishtadlus to provide for their families. It is a HUGE NES , that somehow ” MONN” ( MONEY) falls from shomayim and lands on your shabbos table. Tomm. night look around see the lights on , heat , hot challos, dips… hold on to the challos for 30 seconds & says hodu lashem kee meyadcha hakol.
( when you leave kollel the feeling is never time to hang my skates & fulfill my kesuba”), bored guy on sunday visit some kollelim.
see a recent thread on this topic
music is a precious gift from hashem , i find the berry weber ” a shabbos fabreng” to be a real chidush & very moving . i would give it an award . ofcourse many other good ones as well
YWNJUDY- ok now the shaaloh is clearer ,
if its on your own property & it always happens when u walk by , no one that i know is matir that lechatchila , meaning setting your walkway up like that thereby causing lights to go on & off when you walk by would not be permitted
a few points;
1. its not one VS. the other its 2 diff tools that should be used when necessary with yishuv hadaas.
2. a GPS teaches us to find our bearings & at times RECALCULATE.. that is the approach with meds & petch or anything else. ( i wish i could stay as calm as the voice on my GPS is when i keep ignoring her directions.)
3. ALWAYS ASK- “schools that think spanking is more appropriate, do not medicate (as much)?” TOTALY FALSE- the chassidishe yeshivos were some level of petch still exist are the most open to pediatric meds ( this is a fact i wouldnt write it if i didnt know from the inside )
4. when a child needs meds so depending on the severity is where the patch question comes in meaning you balance giving the child slack because of his weakness ( hyper.. mood..)& look away , & at times because of his condition he is not fully in control & might need the FEAR of a patch to keep him safeDecember 26, 2020 10:22 pm at 10:22 pm in reply to: Why do girls need to learn Sifsie Chachamim inside? #1931939
efshar azoi- i will briefly respond to your last comment in the text of a ny bais yakov hs.
1. BYHS has one primary purpose when educating a girl bizman hazeh & that is to prepare her for the next stages in her life which includes a whole lot( sem, marriage, work, life challenges)
2. depending on what circle of yidden you live in your needs vary accordingly as an example ; if college is a given than you need better hs english , if sem is a given , you need a better handle on torah text inside.. if a job for many years is a given you need stronger hashkafa skills..
3. as far as sifsei chachamim vs nesivos sholom.. most ny hs do much more in terms of hashkafa than sifsei chachomim the diff is that hashkafa is in the form of many lectures , speeches…yet some definitely enjoy the inside learning as if they were boys
4. finally a girls big test is after she is married juggling , ehrliche work ,patience, kids , husband… where as a bochur needs to prove himself to be in yeshiva 3 sedorim as a bochur ( although plenty to grow as a baal habayis)
ujm- bekitzur, yes flipping on a led light is a drabonon according to rov poskim – ( the term drabonon is equally asur) , all original poskim agreed that turning on electricity was/is asur the question was under which melacha category it fell into . specifically incandescent bulbs had a filament that glowed red hot . the chazon ish had a unique approach & always considered opening & closing a circuit to be boneh deoraysa . then came rav shlomo zalmen zatl & studied the practical aspects in depth and differentiated between appliances that had a heat element ( deoraysa) to things like an fridge or a fan ( drabonon ) many poskim have followed this mehalech. at least as far as using a goy considering it a shvus deshvus, much more on the topic ….
there are a lot of mekoros on sensors , shevet halevi, rjj journal, nishmas avrohom
off hand, sensors are sensors and the key diff is if you want the effect.. as in a hospital doorway and you want to enter where we wait for a goy to go in & hop along w him. to say walking by a cvs on your way to shul where if you KNOW about it we try to avoid , but if it happens its less than a misasek , & a weak level grama , by a derabonon according to most
in your case the sensor is on top of the light and turns on at dusk so not sure how walking by will trigger it , maybe looking over a porch railing. today most lights are led and derabonon keep that in mind when reviewing older teshuvos on light sensors
always ask Q.?
first i stand corrected that the term “WORST IN CAPS” was harsh, & home schooling is a totally diff. subject
( homeschooling touches a raw nerve , i have a distant relative who has bought in to this yetzer horah & when i occasionally see his kids it makes me plotz)( homeschooling is for kids on shlichus or when medically nec. )
i run a camp and rarely potch yet i believe & want my children to know that rebbi MAY give a potch if nec., & has that authority , my kids learn in an excellent yeshiva , yet i feel that if the kids knew the menahel has ” the right to give a potch ” it would be beneficial. the fact that the kids know ” you cant do nothing to me ” is very disarming , finally diff. community cultures play a big role in the context
go to ivelt or kave shtiebel under heichal hanegina you have them there and more
amentch- “post war”- which war? yeshiva & parents to conversations-some facts & mesorah; up until the late 80’s serious level petch was routine even in litvishe yeshivos , even english principals wacked..& even a head counselor once in a while .. & even or especially berabim , as the 90’s came it slowed down & was suggested by gedolim to try other methods first.. the chassidishe were still giving petch until about 2005 and than started shifting but even the chassidishe petch was nothing like the petch of the 70’s . what changed was that the ” fear factor disappeared” meaning the fear to do the right thing , the busha of not being in yeshiva or changing levush evaporated to an extent. & the not wanting to hurt my parents… weakend ( in old days there were fry kids who would not marry a goyta just not to pain grandma. also around that time sprouted groups that were eager to embrace anyone wanting to leave ( like footsteps..)
as far as parents you dont need a “heter ” to give a patch. of course a beatdown is real kaas and not chinuch . (even though many readers remember those and are fine today) each family has their dynamics and a healthy child can handle petch when called for & will let you know what they think . most parents try diplomatic negotiations first & sometimes we blow it. there are many other strategies that are worse than petch & are far more manipulative , the WORST of which is HOMESCHOOLING. inc. those that have not sent their kids back to school since covid, hashem yishmor al baneihem
business halacha institute that gives out a weekly pamphlet is made just for that to answer shaalos ( i think based out of lakewood
Benk- what exactly do u want ? what are the numbers ? do we need signs? did signs make anyone wear a mask? smoking , vaping, drinking these are all tayvos and hatzad hashave shebohen is shedarkan lehazik ushemirasan alechoh. previous doros had a nisoyon of haskalah today its raykonis .. its not about unresolved questions
rebbes & ravs.. what should they say that we dont know already?, the koach of a leader is dependent on the bitul of the followers or talmidim. u will notice that in every shul .. yeshiva there are those fathers or bochurim that are real talmidim ” aseh lechoh rav” they ask shaaalos .. listen at shalosh seudos .. repeat at home what the rov said in shul & implement it & others in the same shul do differently.
amudim is a topic on its ownDecember 21, 2020 1:28 pm at 1:28 pm in reply to: The shidduch process; chassidish & litvish , its working & yet #1930572
a few more points;
UJM- short answer to your question about the unmoneyed girl – no comparison , everyone likes money but for the majority of chssidish engagements money is NOT a deal breaker or a pre- requisite before we even get to first base.
yossel pupik – a bit of help for 5 years some might call that money ( is a bit 1000 a month? )today most couples need help regardless of kollel , college…
always ask…?based on your comment i have a question for you , pick any neighborhood in brooklyn – say flatbush , how many yungeleit living in flatbush are in kollel for more than 5 years? what percent is that of the 20,000 frum famlies kein yirbu ( under 2%) and even LAKEWOOD PAST 5 YEARS KOLLEL is a very small number for yahadus in the U.S. ( E”Y is a diff landscape)
the learning boy is not a myth, its a sheefa of ruchnius in a foreign world of which their is such a shortage not an abundance – ofcourse people need help making the transition to the work world and MIRACOUSLY MOST DO – ITS A TOTAL NES but the klal is that if you are willing to work at the proper time hashem is mazmin you parnassa ( there is a yotzei min hklal as well )December 20, 2020 11:32 am at 11:32 am in reply to: The shidduch process; chassidish & litvish , its working & yet #1930145
a couple of points;
the rock- i apologize , i was trying to make a complex subject brief & my comments may have been to cryptic, using some hebrew words & shop talk may have made it difficult to grasp .
RATIONAL- the money question ,is it a maalah? your point is emes & valid yet many bnei torah girls w/o any money are getting married and to learners ( bensonhurst type…) secondly there is a diff in hadracha from gedolim if money is a plus or is it a bad thing. all agree it cost money to live , BH there are many good girls & i am marrying only one so if i have a choice am i better off with one whos family can help or is a girl from a no frills low maintenance type family better off in the long term ( see the nosei kelim in even haezer hanose isha lshem mamon)
lakewhut- all agree not entirely working -the tzaar is great & sometimes when i walk home from tish on friday night i think about all those spending shabbos alone. over shabbos i spoke to 2 shadchanim, both were a little burnt from trying for ” older singles” they felt that the key to getting older singles to commit & say yes was A. a coaching program with a focus on freedom from uncertainty, willingness to leave a comfort zone that there is a leap of faith needed to get married – the kaller family in lakewood has invested some funds lshem mitzva in sucha program . B a speed dating type suggestion so u dont get drained from the process .( the west side has numerous singles who arent getting married w/o the social restrictions of the frum dating scene)
one more point no boy cuts his peyos because they are “annoying” when its done its a statement of breaking loose its not the curls themselves
this post is such a fake
1. anyone familiar with bochurim in this predicament know that they dont post such short , matter of fact & coherent paragraphs,
2. regardless if peyos is important or not , the step of cutting them is huge emotionally and almost never done in a stable moment
3. they also dont anounce im going off the d , and
4. dont ask coffeeroom about guilt
there does exist confused souls in desperate need of guidance but this post isnt one of them
so much to say , a short answer on erev shabbos is
1. everyone is free to choose who to marry and deal with the consequences
2. the reason why “working boy ” is a chisaron for most is simple, and that is a kal vechomer .. if the yeshiva bochur is not much to write home about and barely a chatzi guf … what do u want from the bochur who didnt have sipuk in learning and at a young age worked in a warehouse with mexicans or worse in a office w secretaries…
3.. ayyy some working boys ARE kovea itim & maybe even had an aliya from working & being on a schedule and… the teretz is those few exceptions have plenty of names and many girls would grab that if it really existed
much more to say i know the above comment is logical & lacks sympathy but will be mamshich with feelings mayb motzei
no such thing as an election year ,after the petira of the novominsker zatzl and rav levin zatzl .. and the other members becoming bnei tishim or close to amu”sh. there was a need for more rabbonim to be nosei beol
the convention was filmed a week ago before the petira of rav sorotzkin , so i dont think thats relevant
overall there was /is much to gain from the various sessions you can still watch them ” mekol melamday hiskalty”
for starters in the usa u have the torah umesorah directory is avail. covers elem & hs boys & girls and some more…
there was a fat yellowpage type book from e”y but i dont think it exists anymore
if you are looking for something specific post will reply
i am missing something? i read all 15 posts and cant figure out what the author wants ? what is he referring to , what does he mean by comfortable? what would you like me to do differently on a practical level?
do u have any factual basis that they are ” not counting negetive tests”?
moshe , why dont you respectfully ask the rav of that shul to explain his hanhaga ? instead of asking us coffe room why the rav…
mkylb- one more indicator is the recent protests- you had 10,000’s protesting shoulder to shoulder screaming w plenty of droplets , shvitzing… plus many from other states and its 20 days now with ZERO UPTICK. ( I CHECKED 2 HOSPITALS IN THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS) ( KINGS COUNTY & WOODHULL)
nomesorah- the optics is an issue BUT at what cost?, what would you say to a goy if he asked you why your 12 yr old daughter CANNOT HAVE A DRINK on a hot summer day? because 3000 yrs ago the temple burned?
point 2 – sure we took a big hit & it was disproportionately very good people, did you notice that the hardest hit communities are precisely the ones ready to go forward…we are not all crazy
I UNDERSTAND THE GOVERNER, how could we expect goyim to comprehend concepts of emunah , death is decided on rosh hashana…bitachon, hashem is tov… lofty ideals that we alll strive to on some level
the crisis in the frum community has been over for many weeks now. u may ask what are the indicators. here is a few
1. hatzoloh covid calls- listen to a scanner
2. # of daily levayos- & chesed shel emes
3. yiddish yenta type sites ( like i velt..) these are sites with 10, 000 users with up to the minute info on anything imaginable
4. anecdotal what people are saying..
If things are as they are now, dont expect any differences on a ccommunal level individuals are free to adjust as necessary. WMarch 17, 2020 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm in reply to: Rabbi Akiva Eiger’s pesak regarding the cholera epidemic of 5591 #1840730
context! the teshuva about cholera was after 15% of pozna died no comparison by a long shot to our situation . the medical knowledge than and their level of communication was primitive . to a yid from that times our world is totally unrecognizable and so the conclusions.
what took haman months ,& the communist years , our roshei mosdos did with a few clicks of a keyboard when not even one child in each mosad is ill ,
NOTZCHU ARELIM ES HAMETZUKIM – how weak we are , but if they were to close the ” mikva tahara ” for a few weeks than we would hear a vayitzaku
in NY – private schools are not mandated to close . BH 40 mosdos zenen ofen heint
Godolphin, what does the president have to do with this? The Wwho CDC and thousands of scientists were following this from day one the eibishter flipped the world upside down etzba elokim forget about trump
the environmentalist were needlessly worried about plastic in the landfills ( no shopping bags) so now they have more disposable everything by the millions of tons , not to mention more cleansing agents in the air etc..
For months we discussed ” SECURITY” legislation, locks, gun , drills ..a threat visible mebachutz..
. than came bernie sanders looking like he had the nomination… socialism rising…2 weeks later techias hameisim …biden has it..
and now the CORONA .. some invisible virus that turning the “seder haolam” totally upside down like never before ( what spreads faster than the virus is the tweets .. status … and insane hunger for more NEWS NOW
billions of yiddishe money wiped away keheref ayin …
what does this all mean?
what is unique about bergen county ? are these drastic measures in response to a bunch of local cases?
practically speaking ; if its a heimishe wedding expect a full house … if you are from a more modern / american community just lower the number of seats by 10% and you will have a beautiful simcha
a few points; some of the changes that evolved
1. the older dor of roshei yeshiva that went into a midbar to found a oot yeshiva had a wife willing to forgo everything and took the risk of their children going to local dayschools or dorming by relatives from a young age ( scranton , stamford, passaic…southbend.. chicago detroit.. denver.. telz today we cannot imagine how w/o money , bochurim, mishpacha… these mosdos started
2. staff / ratio- many of these mekomos were a 2 man band a rosh & maybe 2 more staff & the rebbetzin cooked or office… shabbos , yomtov winter summer – today a oot yeshiva needs an army from mashgichim to nt seder from shoel umeshiv to dorm counselor
3. THE TURNPIKE- made room for options ( patterson, sprinfield, clifton…. lakewood & monsey all this gave the best of both a little OOT yet w one foot in shtut
a few points;
physical abuse – is black on white many kids who were physically abused ( not extreme) some how adapt and get used to it as crazy as that sounds and as they get a bit older come home less , stay late in yeshiva go to camp, friends for shabbos…
emotional abuse – is way harder to define and if the child or teen cant handle it then they for sure cant handle climbing out. many times its to one child and the parents can show the other kids are fine….if a teen has a illness like BPD they can make stories which in their twisted view is abuse ( as a form of self infliction…) and an innocent relative or neighbor can buy it .
one of the reasons frum people or org.s are so reluctant to get involved is because there are no good solutions taking a child away involves numerous legal battles with very little success and worse yet is that most foster children want some how to go back home and despite so much love from their new surroundings many times when they get older they kick back at those that cared for them this is deep psych stuff . so short of pikuach nefesh invite the child r teen out , get him to a dorm , seminary ., camp,, etc..
a few points;
narcassists dont think they need help they just dont want YOU to think theyre narcassitic
on a plane to a chasuna in chicago i noticed a velts pyschologist ( frum) and i asked him what treatment model can help a narcassist i suggested DBT, GESTALT… his answer was ” A STICK”
like all personality disorders its gehenom in the old days we called people like this ” a shvere mentch”
the challenge is that after nodding to your logical explanations ” THEY JUST DONT GET IT” and 30 min later its like you never discussed anything
hopefully your friend is not this bad and the first step is understanding the concept of “reciprocity” that life is a 2 way street and to get you need to give .
ps DBT can help – each of us need to look deep inside and root out even small bits of this bad midoh
how many drinks have you had ? your 6 yr old may want one to play games as he sees adults glued to it. kindly explain to him that when he gets big and has a job to do then he will get one and use it properly , and bh his classmates do not have phones even if some told him so … 6 yr old’s should drive bikes , play w balls & lego tatty sit down and play w him