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being the wife of a mashgiach I must tell you there is a difference.. ou will rely on the standard ‘CIP’- which is the cleaning of machines requird by gov’t.. the chassidishe ba’alei machshir will not rely on this and kasher according to halacha, and have a mashgiach temidi as opposed to ou who show up maybe once a week..
suit yourself.
WOW-My mother always tells me ‘you keep talking- even if u think nobody hears you..’
So I keep talking. I dont criticize. I dont yell. Just state my opinions and beliefs and what I would like out of my children and family..
and they always say..ye..ye.. we know already.
Oh! so they heard. and eventually it penetrates.
I really do have a great relationship with him and he always trusted me cuz I never criticized what he did just listened..
I do say I don’t approve, and he has told me many a time that he did not ask me and that it was not an aveira, to which most of the time I agreed but,i told him, it was not ‘oisgehalten’.
or it’s not very yiddish- he was not interested in hearing that.
He keeps on telling me ‘this is me’ ‘and you have to accept me the way I am’ so I stop.
He is quite mature and sharp. I would say experience has shown him a lot- all that exposure. (its awful) He is not into learning obviously ,but he wants to be a ‘somebody’ so he has a goal first a GED and then he will decide how to continue.
I do think age and maturity- if they go together, I am not sure-
does play a factor.. I also think all the exposure robbed him of some childhood.
I cannot turn the clock back. We can only go forward..
I hope you can sort out all I have mentioned here..
Any questions ask. were able to get in touch with anyone?
Yup. just let it go. but you may drop a hint that you suspect otherwise. and maybe he will keep in mind for next time that you will find out the truth so he won’t lie again.
They do settle..but its not always on the tracks you laid out for him,, sometimes they are more to the right and more to the left.
You cant imagine how many boys I know that became fanatically chassidish from litvishe homes and more moderate homes..or they became another type of chossid from their family..
anyway my son is settling a bit. with age they do mature and realize the non-sense but he is not as chassidish as my other boys and I wish he would daven before chatzos-never mind zman tfila.. then again I shouls say Baruch Hashem he davens!
He was having some issues that were bothering him and he discussed with me, so I told him maybe if he would take something upon himself for Hashem.. things would straighten out,, Hashem will take care of him. well he didnt tell me right away but he stopped listening to secular music.. the jewish music today is not thrilling either but as Rabbi Wallerstein said when a goy sings the song it penetrates into the yids neshama.. so I will be satisfied with this. Hopefully soon enough he will be ready to improve something else very soon..
So it DOES get better!
Yes. I went thru that too!
just be wary of the lie and dont confront him.
there is nothing to do.. hopefully its not a major lie that can have a serious affect..
maybe thru another conversation about a different subject youcan ask a question and see if the truth comes out.
I went thru this too.. nothing to do.. it will just make matters worse.
anna- It looks like there are quite a few of us in this situation.
Whats good is we are all anonymous and we are also getting feedback from teens themselves which is helpful bec our teens are not really talking to us or telling us parents how they reaally feel or what they really want.
I second that motion.. pcoz and mommamia
WOW- Good luck to you.
Ihope something works out for you and your family!
After they have tested the forbidden waters (I don’t necessarily mean your son) these teens realize their home is really the safest and really not bad after all! and they start ascendig to a comfortable level and parents have to be accepting.
Unfortunately I have seen teens and young adults, shall we say choose a different path from their parents and not necessarily doing the wrong thing and their parents have dis-owned them and are not an talking terms with them.. its a very sad situation.
Regardless of the path a child chooses a parent must be accepting.
Especially if they are still shomrei tora mizvos!
It does not mean they are off THE derech.. they might be off YOUR derech.. but that does not mean they are not keeping mizvos.
parents have to realize this – I dont necessarily mean you, WOW-
and accept and love the child all the same- ‘Eilu v’eilu divrei elokim chaim’
WOW- if this rabbi cannot really help you.. or his yeshiva is not good for your son perhaps he can give you other names..
Not all shadchanim ask for resumes, profiles or bios..
not I nor my friends request one.
we do a semi interview on the phone and ask the questions we need to know. if the other party asks questions we dont have the answer to we just call back..
your ‘papers’ just makes it somewhat easier for the shadchanim.
however you write the profile is fine.
basic details.. everyones ‘jewish’ name
cuz thats whats important,
the type of boy or girl one is looking for is a good idea.
Your references dont always know the answer,,
for instance- does the girl want a full time learning boy?
how would the references know what to answer?
I’ve asked this question, and was told to ask the girl herself,
which is true.. she is the only one that wouls know the lifestyle she would like to lead, regardless of what her brothers or brothers in law are doing..
Its just very helpful.. good luck
Y is it tzaar baalei chaim?
u r not hurting them..
they will just stay away from the pepper.
and out of peoples way..
if peeper is tzaar baalei chaim
then I would say a leash is also..
as far as I know there is no website..
Rosh yeshiva name is Rabbi Goldklang 052 761 5500.
its more of a litvishe yeshiva with time to ‘play’.
I hope it works for you. HATZLACHA RABBA
WOW–looks like the mods did not allow the name fone no. to go on.. what should I tell you?
maybe you figure it out yourself..
I need to ask my son with the ‘crazy schedule’..
I hope to see him soon, before i go out to work..
The name begins with a ‘g’..
Thank you
u r 100% correct.
I never speak about 1 child to another..
not very healthy..I quietly try to guide him and perhaps steer him to another direction.. with subtle sugeestions..
Craigs list, ikea
I do have a son that is ‘looking up’ to his brother..
I am tryng to find a yeshiva with a dorm so he wont be home too much to follow these footsteps as well as davening that he finds a love for tora and learning so he will not have to resort to all these ‘extra curricular activities’
WOW- if he is willing to be in Yeshiva maybe you can find a yeshiva dorm that is the type he would associate with… and I don’t mean ‘Rechovot’- if you get what I mean…
chance- I know the vacinating game is just a money maker..
who gives the waiver? school? does it have to be signed by anyone else or just myself?
A while ago we had a mumps epidemic.. all the non-vaccicnated people were blamed. Same thing happend when there was a measles epidemic before that.. and why do we need a chicken pox vaccine?
we all had the chicken pox..and we are fine?
I’m with you on the anti-vaccine opinion!
chance- why must children be vaccinated to get into school.
its a major hassle if one chooses not to vaccinate.
WOW- there was another place in Israel just cant remember the name of the Rabbi right now. as soon as i find out I post.
WOW- I understand you .I felt the same way bec our family is BH not dysfunctional. basically though they are all out of the box and that is their common denominator..
yes they are exposed to more ‘experienced’ guys but who said they were not associating with them on the streets of whereever you live.
In williamsburg Brooklyn, R’ Yoel Roth also has a loose learning yeshiva and those that want to learn more join that shiur..
they sing to Hashem and do other ehrliche non-learning activities.
Definitely troubled kids, but a thousand times better than the ones in Zfas..
one other thing. Has anyone heard of ‘Yeshiva Shalom Rav’?
this is a yeshiva in Zfas for ‘been thru it’ teenagers..
movies,drugs, dysfunctional and abusive homes and everything else.
they hav shiurim.. play.. plant.. build..they keep them busy.
this may be an idea for some teenager ‘here’.
English speaking!
Hi
MDG-shira- interjection..
you are all so correct. I also had ‘shul issues’ and now my boys will not go daven with my dh..
then dad gets angry why they dont go with him.. and then we start the ‘blame game’.
some go daven in different places at the right time-early enough in the morn.. others daven shachris at home and go out for mussaf.. and maybe they dont even get to the shul.
others dont make it home for the se’uda.
I try to keep my posts short and they end up being quite long.
I had in mind to say to give him some private time. either out to eat – which u r right is always something they go for.
or a walk by the water..which I know my son would enjoy.
tachlis of this time is to just listen to him and see where he is really up to.. or whats hurting him..
for instance I am hearing about all the abuse he went through as a child in cheider.. and how no one listened or did anything for him..well, guess what he never told me anything at the time.
A lot of past is coming out..
He is now much better. He has been to other boys homes and sees his home is great next to theirs.. to the point that I’ve had some of them sleep by me cuz dey could not be home..
does your son have a job? mine BH does so he is somewhat busy..
its the nights that kill them.. they are not learners so there are no shiurim.. so where soes one apend extra time…???
WOW A gitte voch. How was ur yom tov?
My son was not home but he was BH in a good place..I hope.
this time I beleive he was because he went with my other sons..
there was a time I had ‘family locater’ on his phone and I was checking where he was.. and he said he was somewhere else.
I couldnt even confront him..
When I call him he tells me he will be home in 10 min.. its more like 10 hrs..
I got up in the morning and found his bed still empty..
with all these ‘wonderful’ places open all night long I could only imagine the education he was getting..
there was/is nothing to do.. I just daven.. certain kapitlech t’hillim for 40 days.. then i said 2 prakim a day till I finished t’hillim ..I was told T’hillim and T’fillos are like a bank account you keep on putting in and the time comes and you cash in..
I came to a point where I told myself there is nothing more that I can do and I just gave up. basicly not caring where he is and not caring when he came home. I didnt ask him when and where.
but on top of all this I treat him as I do my other children give him what he needs..etc..
the hour is late. I will continue tomoro
Daniela and evryone else..
I did not follow the entire thread but it is quite obvious that you do not have any experience with these kind of teenagers..
community and neighbors for some reason dont help they have suggestions that are not always realistic.. the teeenager has to want to go to talk to these people. they dont do ANYTHING that a parent tells them to thinking its some kind of trap to make him frum.
I hava a lot more to write bec I am going thru this myself ( and mine is gold next to other sons I am hearing about)
write or wrong- the only thing I can suggest right now bec its erev yom tov make sure he knows he has a listening ear. and u are ther for him. When he does speak listen and hear what he is saying. They say a lot of things between the lines that you will have to remember for the future..
Be happy your son tells you he wont be home.. mine just never came home.. not for the se’uda and not at night.. which was usually at 4am when he did come home..
when he is home treat him as natural as u do your other children.
A Freilichen Lichtigen Yom Tov!
both nites at 5am
shmoel: he/she specifically said it’s not. read carefully…
I am in agreement with you..about the ‘thank you’ not the how dressed part..
People do not say Thank you and it is just down rite rude.
I keep saying where is everyones ‘Bein adam la’chaveiro’.
I taught/teach my children always to say ‘please and thank you’
I have the same issue when peopl go into stores and request whatever it is they would like without any please- thank you- I would appreciate-
just ‘gimmee on of those and 3 of these.. then grab the pkg and out of store in no time.. I dunno this gets to me all the time- as if everyone was just mechuyav… or maybe it ribbis..lol
one of u are talking about soda and the other about powder…
I was looking for someone who wanted me for what I was/am and not for what I looked like ( I got rejected quite a few times cuz of my weight) ..Thats what I got BH..
once you meet the right person and you open your mouth all the physical ‘mishigasen’ usually are not noticed, and you are noticed for what you really are!
the chillers will always find where to chill and the serious learners know where the beis medrash is…
and at that age the boys know what you want from them and do as they wish, I have both kinds in my family..
I am always davening for them and thats the only thing we can do in regard to these boys..
Actually I myself feel kinda uncomfortable in a store where a male is at the counter and helpng out with female necessities.
I do avoid them.
I am currently working and I understand you totally but I hav come to the conclusion that whatever is bashert for someone to earn thats how much he will have. and if 2 people are bringing in income and its not meant to be it will just be depleted on sudden expenses, not on vacations, I’ve seen it personally happen time and time again…
Currently all my children are in school and I am home by the time my first bus arrives.. I also worked by a yiddishe lady that does babysitting and had my ‘baby’ with me..
At least have a jewish woman who knows what kashrus is all about, someone that would make brachos with your children etc..
enough said. I will try to mind my own business from now on..
I was under the impression that there are other people in the house with him and this is why they do not want to ‘blow up’ the house..
cshapiro: In the long run they do not have healthy homes.(now I’ll get it over my head- good thing I am anonymous here) and a lot of issues they may have later could be attributed to the fact that some phillipino or russian raised them,, Who does there cooking? There was a Polish lady maid that was leavng a certain Jewish family to go back to her ‘country’.. she notified the family that all the wonderful tasing food they had been eating for dinner all these years were fried in lard and other treife goodies that she brought along with her from her home.
A neighbors children here speak a fluent Polish.. the mom just knows a few words here and there,,
and then we wana know why all the kids today have issues..
cschapiro sorry, I did not answer but I had to leave to go to work.
To answer your question from earlier…When my children were small and I had an average of 2-3 home all day..no I did not go to work because a child needs a mother not a nanny..
I did do work at home..like wigs and hairdos..I took a course for a few weeks and then I was able to do work at home.
Yes, I did leave my baby with a babysitter for a few hours during the day depending on the job at that time, for a while I was working away from home for a few hours a day, but I was always home to greet children coming home from school (besides on rare occasions when I had to make alternate arrangements)..
My entire work history would probably bore you..and yes my husband always workd as well and I cannot count on much househelp..
The bottom line is to have children is a commitment and a responsibilty and if you want to have a healthy family take care of the children yourself. cuz there is NO ssubstitute for a MOTHER!
wake up and smell de coffee!
If you plan on having a nanny whats the point in having children.
If you want to just play with them go to a nursery school or a babysitting service for a few hours a day..
bringing children into this world and have a nanny take care of them –well.. wrong and not fair..
give her a haircut and tell her this is the ‘new’ bob..of 2012.
Now thats a madreiga, I must say..I dont know how many people fit that category…
start learning some ‘Ohr Hachaim’. and wach things fall into place.
we were in a hotel with card for shabos..
The main door had t b opened by one of the workers. we had to make sure to use the main door.
in the room we put a piece of cardboard so the door does not lattch into hole.. then we put the ‘do not disturb’ sign so none of the cleaning crew come in.. besides how would you carry a key?
u would hide somewhere?
write an anonymus letter to some higher-ups..
I agree with OP. its not yiddish and not ‘ausgehalten’.
All of you ‘pros’..I dont think you would want your son perhaps to be chosen as the driveresses pet or any other name you want to give it..’Lifnei eever lo sitein michshol’.
or he should have the driveresses face disturbing his mind all day while learning.
Imaginations and ‘yetzer hara’ are all at work and they know there job all too well!
rc..i agree.
and I hav an idea how it could be done..
Do some hw, like the Chassidim,
then see if its worth it.If all cheks out, go for it!
If you dont like what you hear tell shadchan(if there is one)
that it doesnt sound like it is shayach…
I also am part of that non-swallowing club..
cherrypits are no problem and` vitamins or medication are a no-go.
I know its in my head..
I also ’embed’ them in a banana or cracker or any other food that has the right consistancy,,
I get a lot of pills down that way.. one at a time..
the magnesiums are too larg though, so know i am taking the powdered one.
I have nesver either called shadchanim..
I married off # children so far..
I only received 2 suggestions for my 20 year old son, so far
and I am totally not worried..
The time does come..
moms maiden name is important.
height is important. weight not necessary.
machatunim- if any
yeshivos that u learnt in.
and basically what you would like in a girl.
l’vush.. weekday and shabbos.
these are the details any shadchan would ask you..
Dont worry..U really got it straight and with this attitude you should find your basherte soon,
My daughter needed someone ‘ot of the box’ so when people mentioned different shidduchim to me I said it wouldnt work so they said I was being picky..I was not, I knew what was good for my children-not for me- I was not looking for trouble !or for a friend for myself and on that note a chevrusa for my husband, which a lot of people do.
Hazlacha
Now that all the frustrated mothers heard different ideas..will they change the attitude?
Let us know!