Forum Replies Created
Is it a lack of bitachon to predict health information? I would ask a Rav.
As far as family relations I think it’s cool to know your ancient relatives
Not for girls
That’s why I can tell him.
Why don’t you just take out whatever you think wasn’t approved and send the rest?
I personally am really interested in hearing the reasons.
Part of an email I received from GuardYourEyes:
R’ Nechemia Gottlieb, the director of TAG, has worked closely with the Gedolei Hador to address the challenges posed by the Internet. He has graciously allowed us to excerpt and adapt his monograph, Nisayon Hador, in which he elaborates on this issue.
The Internet has ramifications in a host of areas. We will break them down by category:
2. Waste of Time — Bitul z’man
4. Challenge to Authority
5. Cognitive Damage
6. Heresy — Kefirah
7. Where the Wicked Meet — Kinus l’reshaim
8. Loshon Hora and Disputes
9. A Breach in the Wall
12. Social Networking
13. Family and Social Life
14. Filters and Monitors
(He then expounds on each one)
Does anyone know how to edit a post that I posted
Are lace front sheitels assur?
I think all of us here at the Coffee Room who agree there is a shidduch problem should split sefer tehillim every day for 40 days and beg Hashem to take away this terrible gezeirah.
Anyone want to join me?
I’ll take yom rishon.
Wow that’s crazy….. 10/65 is not a joke!!
My heart goes out to those girls.
We must do something about this. It can’t be ignored.
I have a new idea, if a shadchan thinks of a match between a boy and a girl who is a few years older than him, she shouldn’t tell either side until after 7 dates.
There’s nothing wrong with a 26 year old boy marrying a 26 year old girl, for example.
I actually recently set up a 25 yo boy with a 26 yo girl and they were happy to go out with each other.
It doesn’t have to be an issue.
I didn’t say internet is assur across the board.
I just said not to look to the internet for entertainment purposes.
Which clearly all of us are doing right now anyway.
Yes there was johnklets asked a question about smacking underneath clothes and I answered him
Maybe all girls should be encouraged to go to Shana Bet, this way by the time majority of girls start dating they will be closer in age to the boys.
Does anyone have an idea of how this can be implemented? Call up seminary principals and ask them to convince their students to stay?
anongirl, how many girls are in your grade altogether?
Of course! I wish I could make aliyah.
We need Mashiach to come!
TrueBT, so you aren’t counting the out-of-town girls in the number of girls but you are counting the OOT boys in the number of boys.
Brings us back to my original point.
Also yes I would love to make Aliyah
Maybe all the single girls should make a mass aliyah to Israel where the boys start dating at 19 or 20.
I agree that many American boys are not ready to start dating at that age, maybe because the environment here in the USA is not conducive to them being mature earlier.
Too much money going around + not enough responsibility to go around.
American materialism and shtus.
We should bring all the girls to Israel, and let the boys have a shidduch crisis here.
lamud what are the instances in which it’s easier to get well than to say get well.
Anyway the internet doesn’t entertain you, it will just make you restless.
The same way eating sugar just makes you irritable and then crave more sugar.
It’s exactly like that.
Go to the library and get some books or sudoku.
Trust me as someone who has BTDT
Common Saychel – it sounds like you had a terrible experience in cheder. Unless its normal. I wouldnt know. Being a girl.
Johnklets – NO IT IS NOT OK AT ALL. Who gave your parents the right to touch you in a private place?
Not tznius at all nor appropriate. Definitely lacking boundaries.
Then again, I don’t have kids of my own yet so I wouldn’t necessarily be the person to ask.
My parents did actually hit me a few times, but they were narcissistic immature people so everything they did in the name of discipline was better named as “you’re insulting my ego right now so I need to do anything I can to put you in your place as soon as possible” .
And besides for some pent-up rage that I still have they accomplished ZERO. If anything they only did the opposite of what good discipline would do for someone. And I’m not only referring to the smacks which they didn’t really do too often. But enough about that….back to your question.
A few times my mother hit me on my backside, but never without clothes.
I do know a family where one of the parents did that, and all the kids have issues.
It’s so degrading and lacks decency.
I suggest you go for therapy to talk about this.
However you should realize that most probably your parents were just copying what their parents did to them as a child, or something like that.
They probably didn’t realize the harm they were doing.
So don’t go being mad at them, but you should be aware that it was not ok at all.
Is it ok to potch in a non-degrading fashion? I’m not sure. It’s very complicated.
On the flip side you really don’t want to raise entitled kids. There are too many of them nowadays.
Maybe the answer is to first make sure you really have a strong very loving very warm relationship with the kids where they know 100% that you only want what’s best for them, then you can give them a small potch when they’re out of line (sparingly)
You definitely don’t want them to think they can get away with anything.
I have a friend like that, she is very entitled. Her mother is afraid to ever tell her what to do but now this girl mamesh has no boundaries at all. She will totally lie to people or manipulate them to get what she wants….. she doesn’t have a sense of responsibility or right and wrong….very selfish person. I know another person like that too who definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Her parents are afraid of her so she never got any kind of mussar or discipline or anything. They still hold of her until today and pump up her ego…meanwhile she doing all kinds of things against halacha and against basic human decency but they will never say a thing to her….. If she would have gotten a few petch maybe she would be different.!!
It’s very hard and complicated, no one said Tzaar Gidul Banim was easy
A good solution is for all the boys to only date girls their age.
That I believe was the original request of the gedolei hador who signed a letter about this.
We should be seeing that the 23-24 year old girls are getting the MOST dates.
The younger girls should be considered AFTER a boy has already looked into the girls his age who would be suitable for him.
If a boy wants a younger girl, then he should start dating younger….
Is he worried about his authority in the house so needs to make sure to marry a young impressionable girl straight out of seminary so that he can be 5 years older than her and thus ensure she is sufficiently in awe of him? There’s a word for this it’s called “gaavah”…
Honestly the girls who are 2-3 years older are much more mature.
And you will be doing a mitzvah by helping to solve the problem. In that zechus you should have an extra dose of siyatta dishmaya in your shalom bayis.
If even one boy/mother/shadchan sees this and agrees to/redts a shidduch of same-age, the whole thread is worth it.
flatbush, I don’t have anything against the girls starting later.
But how is that going to be implemented?
Are we making girls’ schools continue for another few years? What’s the solution that you are suggesting?
Once girls are out of school what are they supposed to do besides get married? And will they push off the shadchanim when they come with suggestions?
Also hashkafically I’m not sure that the answer would be for everyone to start later. The Jewish way is to get married young. Delaying marriage is not something Hashem wants us to do.
Disclaimer: With this thread I am not contesting the undisputable fact that Hashem runs the world and all girls should have bitachon that Hashem can make them get married no matter what and noch to the best boy in the yeshiva (Whole other discussion as to what’s considered the best boy and whether every girl needs to marry the best boy etc.)
But I am looking at the hishtadlus perspective which is a chiyuv on us as a community.
I think if everyone realizes that for every one of their sons who delay shidduchim, one of their daughters, nieces, or granddaughters, might have to suffer for that decision.
No one is immune to it. You may think you’re rich or well connected or etc etc.
And it won’t happen to you.
But it can happen to anyone.
Even if you don’t care about other people’s families, do it for your own!
avrah, I looked it up and you’re right. It’s strange though, I don’t understand, because actually women get married at an older age now.
In the shtetl they got married at 17.
At least that’s what I thought.
Was he talking about the men getting married younger? Because from the wording it doesn’t seem that way.
But anyway I don’t know if you should fully believe something you read on the internet. Or in a book written by a secular? non? Jew. Or anyone not otherwise verified.
(from Interview with Harav Yaakov Yitzchak Ruderman)
WH: What does the Rosh Hayeshiva feel is responsible for the recent increase in the divorce rate among Orthodox Jews?
RR: Women today are more independent because they work and earn money. They are also more materialistic. And they
also get married at a younger age
(from Interview with Harav Mordechai Gifter )
WH: What is the cause of the higher divorce rate today?
RG: For one thing, people are getting married too young. They’re not prepared for marriage.
WH: Does the yeshiva try to prepare them?
RG: I do. I always talk about it in my shmoozin. But I wish more would come to me. In fact, in all the years, I know of
only one case of divorce from those who went to Telz.
(from Interview with Harav Henoch Liebowitz)
WH: There’s been a significant rise in the divorce rate. What might be some of the contributing factors?
RL: This is a very explosive situation. There are many contributing factors; the society we live in, divorce is not
considered tabbo anymore as it is used to be; the young age at which married is a contributive factor, when not
mature. I’d rather not mention more.
(from Interview with Horav Shneur Kotler)
WH: What about the divorce rate?
RK: It’s very low in the Yeshiva world. Even though the economic life is very hard, the families have little money, thank
God it’s very little.
So do you have a good solution to the shidduch problem?
So maybe the girls should stay in school for longer.
On a related note, does anyone have experience with the website Partners In Shidduchim? Wondering what type of singles they are geared to.
So you are saying it’s made up?
What does that have to do with the fact that there are too many girls and not enough boys
rational where do you get your information from?
TrueBT – In the number of older unmarried bochurim in Lakewood, are you including all the out-of-town boys who learn in Lakewood (most of them do….) or just boys whose families live in Lakewood
We don’t hate the frei or MO or reform. But I don’t want my (future) children to get influenced by a hashkafa that I personally don’t agree with.
Because they look nicer in people’s houses and are more eco-friendly
Lev melachim v’sarim beyad Hashem.
It makes no difference who is actually sitting in the white house, he has no say in anything anyway.
If we did our hishtadlus in voting, that’s all we have to do and NO REASONS TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING EVER
Is this thread lashon hara
@nom what do you mean?
There are only 5 posts before yours.
Teenager, my heart goes out to all those kids described in your post.
I never experienced what you describe, but I can identify with what pain is.
I know that almost every kid who is losing grip on his Yiddishkeit is coming from a place of unbearable emotional pain.
And that I can understand.
I don’t think a co-ed option would be a good idea, simply because it would be a kind of “haskama” of girls spending time with boys. We don’t wan’t to encourage it. It should still be something that kids might feel bad about doing, even if they can’t always control themselves.
I would suggest kids looking for a mentor. Even if right now a boy feels that he can’t give up his drugs/alcohol/hanging out with girls, if he has a mentor who looks out for him and is there when he needs to talk etc, he will be so much better off.
Do you agree?
mesivta, you should listen to this speech on Torah Anytime. It addresses the issue of boys being out of yeshiva now:
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Friedman
A Rare Oppertunity- Chizuk and Guidence on Dealing with Challenges
Spending $2000 on clothing every Pesach and Sukkos in order to keep up with the styles.
Eating out for lunch every monday wednesday and friday
Buying a house when you have 1.5 kids.
In order to get a good shidduch you need to pay through the roof support.
Forget about marrying off a child (lchaim, vort in a hall, not even mentioning the wedding expenses, sheva brachos, new clothes for the kallah, ring, bracelet, watch, cufflinks, honeymoon to Eretz Yisrael)
In addition to common’s list.
All not necessary.
Why do we need to be so steeped in gashmiyus, guys.
If anyone read Toras Avigdor this week, Rabbi Miller mentions that the yidden in the dor hamidbar were given a bracha that they did not have material items/geshmak food/new clothing. Hence the less you have the happier you are.
I personally stopped buying new clothes for every season, and I’m very happy with my 3-year-old terribly out of style outfits.
It’s very free-ing when you don’t have to constantly be worried about the Joneses.
If anyone doesn’t want to do a shidduch with me because of that, too bad.
Could be.July 28, 2020 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1887663
Oh thanks!!! Baruch Hashem.July 28, 2020 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1887664
Oh but actually the OP is “Happy2BAlive” not Postsemgirl
I’m just saying that the boys should go to Eretz Yisrael at a younger age
Most parents can’t afford higher tuition.
Modern Orthodox have more working parents.
Yes it’s the nisayon of being in learning. No one said you can collect the schar in Olam Habah while also having the cake and eating it.
There’s no solution.
Everyone is corrupt.
No matter what we change someone will suffer for it.
Do most boys get told by their Rebbeim not to enter shidduchim until 23? I wouldn’t know.
But in Eretz Yisrael, all the boys are getting married at 19-21 years old
It seems to be working.
Respectfully, hardly any frum men actually cheat on their wives.
You wanna say that sometimes people don’t act tzniusdik, fine, but maybe 1 in three thousand have been accused of cheating
“Just putting benefits out there, does not make them reach the needy.”
In this case it does.
If you want to also become a shadchan, the benefits will reach them quicker.
Anyone can make a shidduch.
I try all the time. Can’t help that people have ridiculous demands but I do my best.
And no, I don’t just match up pants with a skirt. I think for a long time before matching people up, to decide whether they’d be compatible.
Don’t be like all the other people sitting on their couches and dispensing sage advice while not actually doing anything.
Bottom line is the boys are causing the shidduch crisis which is worse than simply not helping those in need.
Actively causing world poverty rather than just not contributing.
Sorry for the harsh language but someone has to say it.
We all want to close our eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.
“Chessed is when it benefits a specific individual or community.”
The yeshivish/litvish single community
The Donald Syndrome??
“I have often heard police officers claim that “their first job is to get back safe to their families at night”. Wrong! A cop’s first job is to make sure that I and other citizens get back safe to our families. If the cop can do it to, great, but it’s not in his job description.”
I disagree. They are not expected to be martyrs.
“Very good! But I would not appreciate any advice on that. I know enough of it.”
What do you know enough of? Spelling mistakes or medications?
“I thought you were joking. I wish the skeptics are also.”
Does this mean you wish they believed in nevuah?
I think people can have a very minor form of nevuah today. Think stories of someone having an intuition which saved his/someone else’s life.
There’s a story of a woman who had an NDE and afterwards was able to somewhat predict the future, can’t remember the exact detailsJuly 23, 2020 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm in reply to: Does Anyone (Basically) Know (Like) How to Talk (Whatever)? #1886251
Like yeah, whatever
Nom, if you’re not ready to get married, gezunteheit.
But the general norm does not have to be that most boys only start dating at 23.
You want to have a few exceptions, no problem.