Forum Replies Created
@nom what do you mean?
There are only 5 posts before yours.
Teenager, my heart goes out to all those kids described in your post.
I never experienced what you describe, but I can identify with what pain is.
I know that almost every kid who is losing grip on his Yiddishkeit is coming from a place of unbearable emotional pain.
And that I can understand.
I don’t think a co-ed option would be a good idea, simply because it would be a kind of “haskama” of girls spending time with boys. We don’t wan’t to encourage it. It should still be something that kids might feel bad about doing, even if they can’t always control themselves.
I would suggest kids looking for a mentor. Even if right now a boy feels that he can’t give up his drugs/alcohol/hanging out with girls, if he has a mentor who looks out for him and is there when he needs to talk etc, he will be so much better off.
Do you agree?
mesivta, you should listen to this speech on Torah Anytime. It addresses the issue of boys being out of yeshiva now:
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Friedman
A Rare Oppertunity- Chizuk and Guidence on Dealing with Challenges
Spending $2000 on clothing every Pesach and Sukkos in order to keep up with the styles.
Eating out for lunch every monday wednesday and friday
Buying a house when you have 1.5 kids.
In order to get a good shidduch you need to pay through the roof support.
Forget about marrying off a child (lchaim, vort in a hall, not even mentioning the wedding expenses, sheva brachos, new clothes for the kallah, ring, bracelet, watch, cufflinks, honeymoon to Eretz Yisrael)
In addition to common’s list.
All not necessary.
Why do we need to be so steeped in gashmiyus, guys.
If anyone read Toras Avigdor this week, Rabbi Miller mentions that the yidden in the dor hamidbar were given a bracha that they did not have material items/geshmak food/new clothing. Hence the less you have the happier you are.
I personally stopped buying new clothes for every season, and I’m very happy with my 3-year-old terribly out of style outfits.
It’s very free-ing when you don’t have to constantly be worried about the Joneses.
If anyone doesn’t want to do a shidduch with me because of that, too bad.
Could be.July 28, 2020 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1887663
Oh thanks!!! Baruch Hashem.July 28, 2020 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1887664
Oh but actually the OP is “Happy2BAlive” not Postsemgirl
I’m just saying that the boys should go to Eretz Yisrael at a younger age
Most parents can’t afford higher tuition.
Modern Orthodox have more working parents.
Yes it’s the nisayon of being in learning. No one said you can collect the schar in Olam Habah while also having the cake and eating it.
There’s no solution.
Everyone is corrupt.
No matter what we change someone will suffer for it.
Do most boys get told by their Rebbeim not to enter shidduchim until 23? I wouldn’t know.
But in Eretz Yisrael, all the boys are getting married at 19-21 years old
It seems to be working.
Respectfully, hardly any frum men actually cheat on their wives.
You wanna say that sometimes people don’t act tzniusdik, fine, but maybe 1 in three thousand have been accused of cheating
“Just putting benefits out there, does not make them reach the needy.”
In this case it does.
If you want to also become a shadchan, the benefits will reach them quicker.
Anyone can make a shidduch.
I try all the time. Can’t help that people have ridiculous demands but I do my best.
And no, I don’t just match up pants with a skirt. I think for a long time before matching people up, to decide whether they’d be compatible.
Don’t be like all the other people sitting on their couches and dispensing sage advice while not actually doing anything.
Bottom line is the boys are causing the shidduch crisis which is worse than simply not helping those in need.
Actively causing world poverty rather than just not contributing.
Sorry for the harsh language but someone has to say it.
We all want to close our eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist.
“Chessed is when it benefits a specific individual or community.”
The yeshivish/litvish single community
The Donald Syndrome??
“I have often heard police officers claim that “their first job is to get back safe to their families at night”. Wrong! A cop’s first job is to make sure that I and other citizens get back safe to our families. If the cop can do it to, great, but it’s not in his job description.”
I disagree. They are not expected to be martyrs.
“Very good! But I would not appreciate any advice on that. I know enough of it.”
What do you know enough of? Spelling mistakes or medications?
“I thought you were joking. I wish the skeptics are also.”
Does this mean you wish they believed in nevuah?
I think people can have a very minor form of nevuah today. Think stories of someone having an intuition which saved his/someone else’s life.
There’s a story of a woman who had an NDE and afterwards was able to somewhat predict the future, can’t remember the exact detailsJuly 23, 2020 9:12 pm at 9:12 pm in reply to: Does Anyone (Basically) Know (Like) How to Talk (Whatever)? #1886251
Like yeah, whatever
Nom, if you’re not ready to get married, gezunteheit.
But the general norm does not have to be that most boys only start dating at 23.
You want to have a few exceptions, no problem.July 23, 2020 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1886249
I’m so curious whether she got married in the end
“In general rallying yeshiva bochuim to the cause. Even in a good cause. Specifically here, it means telling them to plan their lives in accordance with the holy grail of the shidduch crisis.”
They are the only ones who can fix the shidduch crisis.
The girls certainly can’t.
Are you saying that the benefits of a bachur being able to learn a few extra years in so-called peace outweigh the middah of chesed?
My fingers moving and legs walking.
Thank You Hashem.
It is not psychologically healthy for a man to constantly be seeking women.
What is your reasoning?
Never heard of any.
But there is a good frum filter company online called GenTech
Hashem looked into the Torah and created the world (including human logic, morality, law and order) based on its laws.
כדי שלא יטרח
במזונות ויבטל מן התורה
As a girl I don’t know the whole gemara, so maybe I am missing an important point.
Most boys are being supported those first few years anyway.
N0mesorah, I’m talking about all the smart people who think we would be better off with no police.
If boys/men were able to wear whatever they wanted without social consequence, what do you think would happen? IMHO we would have a lot more shorts, baseball caps, sweatpants. Its not a Torah look.
We want to show how different we are from the goyim.
Girls have tznius which is obvious, boys don’t have something as obvious.
CC boys are, in my limited opinion, a very different breed then most yeshiva boys.
They are very self-made and extremely motivated. Most of them want to stay in klei kodesh forever. So no, they don’t necessarily need a dress code. They will always look Torahdig.
Of course, there are many many boys like this in all yeshivos, but the mainstream yeshivos carry every and all types unlike chafetz chaim, so they have to put in gedarim for the weaker less motivated boys.
All of klal yisroel are responsible for one another. My crisis is your crisis
In today’s unfortunate day and age, no one wants to listen to authority.
People are of the mindset that they are smarter than all the people who have lived until now.
Let’s change the world! Let’s make all marriages legal! Let’s all live like wild animals.
Why listen to anyone if I can do whatever I want.
And then they wonder why are there so many emotional problems nowadays?? Why is life so hard? I have depression, anxiety!! Help
Yes, you do. Because you are so smart. You don’t listen to anyone’s advice.
Not talking about Yidden but by the goyim, they are so entitled.
If I want it, I should have it. Right??
So someone who works hard for his money should pay the government extra so that they can give me money so that I can continue doing whatever I want. Because why should I work hard if I don’t want to.
Who ever said life was about getting whatever you want? Whenever you want it? Who are you, the Queen of Sheba?
They don’t listen to their parents, they don’t listen to authority. Disciplining kids in the modern psychology world is a big no-no.
When you grow up and no one ever told you “No”, of course you have anxiety and depression and are constantly breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
And if you want to murder your neighbor because he took your parking spot? Why ever not? When were you ever taught to control yourself?
Of course they are outraged when the police try to tell them what to do. Who has a right to tell them what to do?
We need mashiach, b’kitzurJuly 19, 2020 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm in reply to: YWN forums/ coffee room. MY OPINION, WOULD LIKE TO HEAR OTHERS #1883707
Oh my gosh. I never thought about this.
I would also like to ask public forgiveness if I hurt anyone’s feelings.
When it’s anonymous you forget that people can get hurt by your comments
If it’s a serious eating disorder, you should get a mental health professional involved right away.
There are long term serious effects……
Anorexia can be life threatening and ruin a girl’s opportunity to have children.
Force them to go see a professional!
Maybe it’s a message from Hkb’h that its time to get married.
The Rabbanim have said that once a boy is 21 he should ask his Rosh Yeshiva if he thinks its the right time.
Maybe we can use this opportunity to alleviate the shidduch crisis (yes, its real).
Maybe this is what the Ribono Shel Olam wanted to tell us?
Get married and settle down in BMG or such yeshiva.
You can always move to Eretz Yisrael with your new wife once this is over.
I don’t understand.
What’s wrong with American yeshivos?
Why is only Israel an option?
Please enlighten me.
@bsharg, not necessarily.
For some people, being married would be gehinom for them and their spouse.
If someone isn’t ready for marriage it is a really bad idea to get married.
Of course no one is completely ready. But if someone has serious issues with being in such a kind of relationship as a marriage, it will be awful for them to get married before they get help.
Especially today when divorce is such an easy road to take, unfortunately lo aleinu.
It’s hard enough to work on your marriage when you are relatively emotionally healthy!
I’m only referring to people who have serious issues with intimacy, not someone who is “having fun” and doesn’t see the point in getting married yet.
n0 how old are you?
If you are still 24 or under, you don’t need to rush to get married.
But if you are older than that I would suggest you speak to someone about why you don’t feel the need to get married.
An unfiltered computer is VERY dangerous.
I think you are just too sheltered to realize it. 🙂
This is not something I have experience with yet. BUT, maybe, you can ask yourself, “If I never saw this person again, how would I feel? Would I be relieved if I chose not to get engaged?”
If the answer worries you, I would tell you to speak to someone older and wiser, and not just one, but a FEW people who are older and wiser.
Then you need to compare answers and listen to your inner gut feeling (this is even more important).
Not everyone who is old is wise, so be very careful.
@backfromsem, what kind of questions do you have? If you feel comfortable you can list them and I’ll see if I have an answer
For me personally, Rabbi Yossi Mizrachi on TorahAnytime changed my life.
Here are 2 examples, but he has tons of lectures on various topics.
@Joseph, No I’m litvish
@bk13, true, some kids get messed up. But some are better off than other kids. Its not more likely that these kids have issues than a kid who was bullied in school, or had a parent with personality issues (and didnt get divorced), or was spoiled and is therefore lazy and entitled, or had an older sibling who picked on them, or got zero attention from parents, etc etc.
Most kids have semi-traumatic emotional experiences. So divorce doesn’t have to be worse then all the other experiences. It’s just more obvious.
And if they went to therapy that’s even better – once a young woman/man has been by a good therapist for a few years you can definitely assume he/she has reversed whichever negative effects/impressions they got from their parents.
@Lamdan, I don’t think there’s something wrong with this website per say, but yes once I get married I plan to not have internet. Right now I have a laptop with a very good filter (GenTech), I use it for my job. I grew up in a home where we had internet, so I’m used to it. But I plan to get rid of it after marriage.
My family is baalebatish, but I “flipped”. So in certain ways I’m still exposed to certain things. I’m still on my way “up” , to be honest.
But I have a clear picture of how I want my future home to look.
How will a working man not have internet in his house? Most jobs need you to put in hours at home once you get to some kind of senior position.
Just for clarity’s sake, why would a boy work if he could learn full-time?
He can’t sit for too long?
Wants to be “out there”?
@5ThDimension, thanks. You are so right.
This is a test after all.
Just an illusion to think that divorce or no divorce can stop Hashem from doing anything
#bitachon #emunah #tefila
1. Would not mind marrying a working boy, however I’m not sure HE would appreciate ME. I am ultra frum and usually working boys as a general rule (doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone) are more “out there” than most learning boys, especially the ones who want to stay in learning/klei kodesh.
For example in my opinion smart phones are the ultimate no-no, no matter how many filters you put on.
Generally speaking a working boy will be more open-minded than me. He will not be happy with my chumros.
Again, generally speaking. I don’t know every working boy.
I am sure it is very hard to sit and learn all day every day (I can’t even know for sure if I’d be able to do it myself), and also many boys feel it is their responsibility to provide for their future families, which it is.
And they learn very shtark at night/morning.
I would marry a working boy rather than face long-term singlehood c’v. But not sure it’s the best thing for me or him. But push comes to shove yes definitely better then being single past lets say 24-25.
2. Unfortunately divorce is a stigma. It shouldn’t be, because as 5thD said, we are (generally speaking) much more resilient then kids who didn’t go through hardships in life.
And we know what NOT to do in our marriages.
And also there are many people who come from “perfect” resumes/families and they are tyrants to their spouse/children.
But yes it is, unfortunately.
It is an anxiety-ridden world today so people are always being “safe”.
Why do you think there is a shidduch crisis?
In the olden days you married your next door neighbor or first cousin and you made do with whatever it was.June 25, 2020 12:32 am at 12:32 am in reply to: H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-! #1876299
Happy2Be, I have quite a few girlfriends who got married at 24 years old to amazing boys and they’re so happy now. One I believe was 25.
Just be open-minded and DO NOT turn down shidduchim without a VERY good reason
Ask advice if you need to.
And you will soon be married.
Let us know when it happens.
Because people are so very picky.
What is wrong with a baal teshuva for example?
Or someone from a divorced home?
Someone who is “quiet” or “not so skinny”?
Or someone who is from a family that doesn’t have money?
Since when is Shidduchim a shopping spree??
Does he have to be Smart, AND A Long Term Learner, AND Tall, AND went to Israel??
She has to be pretty, and not tall, and her father has money but is also in klei kodesh?
What kind of nonsense is this.
Each person needs to look at himself and ask “Am I causing the crisis?”
No, its not HKBH who caused the crisis. We, with our long lists, caused the crisis.
Why are so many people having marriage problems today? Because they didn’t marry their bashert.
Because their bashert was 23 and they were also 23, so they wouldn’t hear of it.
If you don’t marry your bashert, why should Hashem give you the special siyatta dishmaya that a marriage needs in order to succeed?
The problem is clear and was enumerated by many Rabbonim.
The boys are starting to date at 23 and only dating the 19 year old girls, and YES there IS an AGE GAP.
Stop denying it!
If a boy wants to learn in Eretz Yisrael, he must be willing to date a girl his own age.
Otherwise he is a rotzeiach.