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When we made weddings, we never told the family men what color to wear.
BUT, in the photos, it does look better if all the suits are the same color. If you are a Yeshivish family, well then, they are all in black, if not, the men wear what they own.
If they are all buying new suits, and they ask you, then you can give your opinion, BUT, never ask people to spend their own money to please the families of the Simcha. Now, if you offer to treat everybody, then that is a different story.
Before you look at communities, look at the yeshivas that you would send your children to. Once you find yeshivas you like, check out their tuition/dinner costs. Out of Lakewood, the numbers may/will shock you. They give very little in tuition breaks, because they spend alot more money on your child’s education than the yeshivas in Lakewood can because of lower tuition.
THEN, look for housing. You may be able to afford a house in a certain area, but not be able to afford tuition or visa versa.
One needs to factor in total costs; housing, tuition, taxes, commuting costs, etc.
Wishing you much hatzlacha in your search.December 25, 2018 8:56 am at 8:56 am in reply to: Is the MO community concerned with SED? Why the silence? #1651504
In Israel, most of the cheders are PRIVATE institutions. What does that mean? It means it does NOT ask, nor accept Government funding, except for basic child rights. Without accepting Government funds they avoid Government intervention.
Perhaps, the yeshivas in the States need to follow the same policy. Just a thought.August 20, 2018 7:54 am at 7:54 am in reply to: RH is MIL’s first Yahrzeit…how should we adjust traditional celebration? #1576704
Years ago my Mom was niftar erev Pesach. That year Pesach passed in a blur what with being an Onen at the Sedurim and kevurah in Israel during Chol Ha’Moed.
I was afraid that every year the Pesach sedurim would be sad for everyone, so I asked my kids/family to prepare/remember their favorite story/experience with my Mom. Sharing those stories, during the Seder brought my Mom “back to the table” and really made Pesach a wonderful chag again.
Ask your wife what she prefers. The first Chagim are always the hardest.
If the Mom or Dad really, really, want a Shul bris, then I would have the bris after davening with a minimal kiddush. And have the Sedudat Mitzvah at home with family.
BUT, if the new Mom does not want to bring a newborn out in inclement weather, or walk to Shul in bad weather, I would honor HER wishes and have the Bris at home after davening followed by a family/close friends kiddush.
(FYI, my brother had his Bris on Simchas Torah, and that year it was pouring. The Bris & kiddush was held in the house. My Mom would not walk 10 blocks to and from Shul in the pouring rain with a newborn.)
Much, much Mazal Tov to you and your entire family.March 22, 2018 10:01 am at 10:01 am in reply to: Is there any food better than an excellent potato kugel? #1496036
Estie Wolbe’s potato kugel. Best ever, better than mine and I make a killer kugel !!
When my kids were younger (they are all adults now) we had them yearly. Each bedroom had a ladder for a window exit. We practiced opening the window & screen, hanging the ladder.
Practiced, stop, drop & roll. Feeling doorknob. Laying on the floor smelling for smoke by the door before opening. An exit plan and a meeting place.
Every year.March 12, 2018 12:31 pm at 12:31 pm in reply to: When Did People Start Eating Shmura Maztos The Entire Pesach? #1486957
My Bubby (from Russia & very poor) said they only ate Shmura Matzo in Meshbish, BUT, unless you were male & over 13, no one else ate the matzo during Chol HaMoed, everyone else just ate potatos. And on Yontif, they only used 1 matza a meal.
We have been using ONLY Shmura for 40 years. But it was so expensive years ago, that there was a trade off – my kids did not get new clothes for Pesach, they had to wait for Shavous. It was a true sacrifice to only use Shmura. Today, it is much, much more affordable. One of my Sons-in-Law, who bakes his own, spends $100. a kilo, for the Matzah. It is for him, and everyone at Seder, the rest of Yom Tov, the rest of the family eats “regular Shmura.
There are so many variables. First how close are you to your parents? Inlaws?
Can they be trusted to REALLY keep a secret if you ask?
As the mother, of course, I want to know as soon as possible, BUT, I understand the need of discretion, when my children are not ready to share the news.
Most wait until after the first tri-mester. Many wait longer for a various reasons. ie: a prior lost pregnancy, a yenta mentality on behalf of parents, you don’t show yet and you and your husband want to keep this wonderful secret to yourself.
I often know way before I am told, but I say nothing until they say something to me. I think this is a very very private issue and you and your husband need to what whatever makes you feel comfortable.
I think my husband is an excellent father-in-law. He NEVER criticizes them or anything he does to his wife (our daughter). He always tells his daughters that their husbands are their perfect fit for them !
He NEVER offers advice unless asked, and even when asked, he is very, very careful with his words.
He NEVER asks them about their finances
He often, praises their parental skills.
He loves them because his daughters do.
According to Consumer Reports (my go to for product comparision & value), BOUNTY is, by far, a superior towel in terms of absorbancy – (not) tearing and re-usibility.
I can only respond to a woman, since my husband is warm in a fleece jackets no matter the weather.
If you wear a sheitel, snood, you will be fine, if not bring a hat. Always bring a scarf & gloves. In skirts, you will need warm boots.
The weather right now, during the day is coldish – needed a warm coat for shul today. I, and most of the women in Shul wore knee-high boots.
Is is easier to open the coat, leave the scarf & gloves where you are staying, then trying to stay warm without them.
Just wear the boots, coat & scarf on the plane, so it takes up no room in your luggage.
To me, there is nothing worse than being cold.
Call Aish in New York. They will connect you to someone you can talk to.
I make cold coffee all the time. Buy a french press. I bought mine from amazon for under 15.00. You measure the coffee same as for brewed coffee. put in cold water. Put in fridge for at least 48 hours. Just drink. The french press keeps the grinds out of the coffee, so there is no mess, no fuss. You can make a quart at a time.
You know, Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim opened a branch there, as well as a Beis Medrash. They have minyanim AND they may have a list of minyanim in the area. We went when my husband was an Avel and he had no problem finding a minyan. He even found a minyan in DisneyWorld. (He did not go on the rides or shows, but he did not want to disappoint our kids).
I participate in giving to such funds. First of all, you need Rabbinical endorsements, from a Rav who knows the family, etc.
Secondly, set up a “go fund me” page on one of the frum charity sites.
Next, spread the word.
How? Send to Yeshiva world News, Matzav, Vos Es Neis, and have someone you know, who has lots of “friends” to post on Facebook.
That is where I see such appeals. Including A rav from one of the leading yeshivas in J’lem, who needs/needed funds for his wifes’ medical treatment. (someone posted the appeal in/on Matzav & Facebook)
You need a letter of authorization from the Vaad of the 5 Towns. Otherwise, people will NOT give.
Too many scammers over the years. People are very wary, rich or not.
Oh gosh, I remember bringing my children to an Uncle Moishy concert in Far Rockaway, every single chol hamoed succos. I loved his concerts & so did my kids, there was such energy.
Once I brought my husband along, and within 15 minutes, he got kind of “wild-eyed” watching all the kids & toddlers jump up and down and turning around, I suggested he go outside and he said – I owe you, I owe you forever. Funniest experience of my life !!
Sorry Guys; I guess I am much older than most of you. My generation of girls smoked – NEVER in PUBLIC – but they did, most seniors of my BY high school smoked. outside school, in our homes (Dad was often a smoker/pipe smoker)
Once they started families they stopped. but still some smoked in private. Today no one does that I know of.
You are going to the wrong shadchanim.
My husband and I, from yeshivish backgrounds, have a modern orthodox home. Our children chose a different path. When they were in shidduchim, wanting boys who were, and would continue to be, learners, we discovered that shadchanim in strictly yeshivish communities could/would not help them. They “cannot see out of the box”. So we went to shadchanim from out of town yeshivas, YU Black, friends, family, etc.
Our children found their basherts, some young, some at an older age, but they all got WHAT they deserved. It is years later, and their husbands are still in learning. And they are living the life they chose.
Find the right shadchan and be patient. If they have no one for you, then you need to approach a different chadchan. You need to find someone who WANTS to work with you.
As the mother of 2 daughters who attended Michlalah, I can offer some perspective.
One is very chareidi & one is Chardali. Both attended college & graduate school. Both are very intellectually oriented.
One took classes given by Rebbis & Morot who had a Chareidi Hashkafa.
One took classes given by more Tzioni Daati Rebbis & Morot. Both found their classes to be intellectually stimulating, with the staff open to discussion and questions of hashgafa & most importantly “how do things fit” & how do I fit in the world while holding onto my values.
Michlliala for Israeli’s is an accredited 4 year college & they take their education of both Israelis & Americans very seriously. There is no skating there, but they expect & demand that the girls fulfill their intellectual duties, this is NOT high school.
I know several girls why went to MMY. Learning is on a very high level, whith the school having a decidedly American/Zionistic hashkafa. They are very open to challenge & questions from the girls. The girls who go there are religious, but their centric approach is less “life lessons” ie; how to live your life within your religion, and more into how to fit your religion into your life.
Darchei Bina gets wonderful girls who are quite religious and want to stay that way. The learning is great, but not on a superior level. Their focus is to help the girls “firm up” their beliefs and help them figure out how to fit them into their lives. Most continue to college.
But I have to tell you that myself and most of my contemporaries (parents) would never allow/encourage our children to dorm at a secular school, the exception being Stern. Since most of my generation went to secular colleges, at all levels, we know what is involved and would NEVER permit our kids out of our influence until graduate school.
Hope this helped.
If you have patience, clear nail polish, or laquer (bought in a crafts store) can waterproof anything without changing texture, color or shape.
You are missing the point. To Blacks there are three colors; Black, White & Blue. It makes no difference what race a police officer is, once he is a police officer, he is feared.
Honestly, If what I have been reading is true, then Blue seems to treat Black as an imminent threat, always. Scary to be black today.
My daughter is an OT and i believe she took all these courses, both as an undergrad, and then in graduate school.
She (under advisement from older students) took them as summer courses, one at a time, since they take alot of study & lab time.
When in graduate school, the students who did not take these courses as undergraduates, had a much more difficult time then she did.
I would think that learning how the body & body chemistys’ work, would re-inforce our religious beliefs – what a wonderous thing the human body is !!
FYI, we all say “asher Yatzar” without thinking what it really means, but when my grandson was born with a minor issue that impaired his ability to use his lower colon, I realized what an incredible tefillah we say all the time. The things we take for granted !
what does he/she like?
If she likes music, buy her the newest CD by her favorite artist. If she loves bubble baths, take the kids out for an hour, prepare the bathroom with bath salts, a decorative candle, and she will be eternally grateful.
A gift certificate for a pedicure (trust me, that is the best gift ever !!)
Get a baby sitter for an hour a week, for a month, and just go on a walk together.
Most women want one thing from their spouse, a gift that shows he pays attention to what is important to her – and it usually cost little or nothing.
Regarding gifts to husbands, I find that a tougher problem, because my husband is so easygoing and comfortable with whatever he has or whatever happens, that there is little he wants or needs.
We bought our sons-in-law, a tallis for everyday, one for Shabbos, NO atarah, that is “earned” with age.
They were given a choice, a gold watch or sefarim. One chose a set of Shas he always wanted, one “filled” in his Sefarim collection, and one chose a watch.
My daughters’ bought them gold cufflinks to wear at their weddings.
On BiG birthdays, with a 5 or a 0, they get a “special” gift, by choice, so far we have done a Silver seder plate, a Silver menorah, a Haggadah, a Haggadah cover (wood by choice)
Every now and then, I will buy them a nice shirt, or a tie for Yom Tov.
But, I try to be careful and not be too generous. You never know the financial circumstances of the machatenim.
I live on Long Island. Years ago, when my husband and I wanted to leave Brooklyn, I spoke to my Uncle, a Rav on Long Island. He gave me a list of communities which had an eruv, a mikvah & a pizza store. (my minimum criteria at that time)
First I looked in the 5 towns. When the broker drove me past HAFTR HS, I commented that they must pay their teachers well, since the parking lot was filled with luxury cars. She said, no, the cars belong to the students.
When my husband and I discussed this, we decided that whether or not we could afford this community, we did not want to live in a community where such overt materialism was present. We did not want our children growing up in a community where “things” were so important.
I believe, that however much you have, or do not have, it is up to the parents to teach/show their children that things/trips/jewelry are not entitlements, nor part of normal life, again, whether or not you can afford them. I am puzzled by the overt materialism I see in every segment of our communities. What happened to Tznius? It is not only covering your body, it is calling attention to yourself. That includes cars, vacations & jewelry.
What has happened to our values? What are we teaching our children?
The first time I was an Avel, I did not listen to any kinds of music. I found the year very, very difficult. Listening to (Jewish) music elevated my soul at the oddest times; cooking, driving, cleaning. I longed to listen.
The second time I was an Avel, I asked my Rav, he told me I could not listen to music, ie: instruments, BUT voices are not, strictly, music and I could listen to acapella voices, which I did. Listening to the voices my father loved, often brought me to tears and eventually peace.
It is not such a simple issue it deserves a serious conversation with your Rav.
My parents eat Gebrocht (I am the wife) my husband and his family do not.
When we go to my parents for the first days, my mom never made gebrocht for any of the meals & we were told that pots, not used for a year, were okay for us to eat from.
If we went to my parents for the last days, my mom made gebrochts, which we ate on isru chag, but, my mom cooked for us, in aluminum pans, for the seventh day.
It all depends on how flexible your parents/inlaws are.
FYI. ALL our married daughters eat gebrochts. When we go to them, and we always do, they are very careful what they make, & when, so we will feel comfortable eating at their table.
It is almost more of a “family issue” than a minhug issue. How much do you respect your parents’ minhagim and how much do they respect yours !!
Okay, deep breath. First buy a basic pesach cookbook. It will tell you what you will need for the seder and HOW to prepare/clean.
Next, how much matzah will you need. Seder is easy, 3 per adult male, plus 2 extra each to make a kezayit. Lechem mishnah for each male, each meal.
Wine, 1 bottle per adult per seder. 1 bottle for each additional meal. Grape juice for the kids, a couple of large bottles.
Don’t make your self crazy. Buy really nice plastic plates, cutlery, cups hot water cups & cosots, (don’t forget a large one for Eliyahu) bowls for serving & Salad & large plastic serving spoons.
Crock pot, it will save your life. Tableclothes one per meal, (plastic to cover?)
Large Pots only. 1 large fry pan for fleishik, 1 regular for dairy.
I could not live without a food processor for all the salads, I make as well for slicing, dicing and prep work.
Walk around your kitchen, look in your drawers. Make a list of what you always use ie: spatula, potato peeler, etc.
Make your menus – keep it simple – make what you know how to make and make fast, ie: potato kugel, roast chicken, brisket, cole slaw, etc.
Potato starch can replace flour, matzah meal in most recipes.
Dessert can be easy. You won’t have the time and implements to bake. Buy sorbet.
Also, if you are on facebook, there is a group – non-gebructs only – which has fast terrific recipies & advice.
I have the Lubavecher cookbook – my first cookbook for Pesach because they also do not eat gebruts.
I went through my favorite recipies from during the year. Wrote them on fresh index cards and keep them in my Pesach cookbook.
You will need a hot water urn, a new blech/plata for this year.
Go thru your pantry – do you use coffee, tea, sugar, sweet & low? List what you normally need/want for Shabbos
It is scary, but break it down. Make lists and more lists. Start cleaning & prepping NOW.
I clean my garage first, so I can start buying groceries now. Clean your freezer NOW (or at least a couple of shelves -start from the top) so you can put in your meat order.
Good Luck and enjoy your yom tov. Once you are done – there is an enormous sense of accomplishment !!
HAVE your husband help. He can clean, vacuum & schlep. Do not try to do it yourself.
I am confused. I park in Cedarhurst all the time. What is wrong with the new meters?
Now, if you are talking about the back lot parking, with the “payment kiosks” which are broken half the time (and you have to walk, and walk to find a working one) THEN we have something to talk about !!
Personally, I would rather have a child in the Israeli army than in a secular college in the USA. (been there, done that)
If you MAKE him do anything, he will resent you for the rest of your life.
Some suggestions to make to him; university in Israel?
Nachal Chareidi? Golani?
Does he want to go into a Hesder program, or the “american program”?
You need to find our which part of the army he wants to go into. That will give you some insight into his decision/path in life.
There is a huge issue of Yichud that would be problematic.
Young newlyweds need their privacy to forge a relationship.
Just say, I’m so sorry, but we are uncomfortable hosting people as newlyweds.
Sorry guys, but as the mother of only daughters, I will tell you that the boys mother has enormous influence on whom her son dates. Frequently, the information from the Shadchan, gotten from the young man, in no way, matches the information gotten from his mother.
Often, the mother projects WHAT SHE WANTS for her son, rather than what he wants for himself.
It had made for many sticky, uncomfortable conversations and situations.
Frum guys in PT and OT do very, very well. After a year or two of experience, they often open their own clinics, working hours to accomodate frum people.
Just know that it is a tough program with tons of sciences, labs, and internships. You really have to apply yourself and study. There are no shortcuts.
But again, If you love what you do, life is so much sweeter.
Windows 10 does not interface well with many programs yet !! And IF you update to windows 10, you CANNOT go back to windows 8 WITHOUT paying for the download which cost over 100.
FYI, while I was having a laptop repaired, the guys at the Geek Squad at best buy, told me NOT to download windows 10.
They told me that tons of customers are coming in, having problems with their programs once they have downloaded windows 10.
They told me to wait at least 6 months, come back and ask them if the bugs regarding program interfacing, have been ironed out.
I married off 3 daughters We put aside 10 dollars a week for each (in an envelope, and put into an account every couple of months) you would be surprised how much we accumulated.
While it did not cover the cost of everything, it was a great start
Sorry, I only serve one protein, with tons of salads and perhaps a kugel or two. No one has ever walked away from my table hungry.
Contact Aish Ha’Torah, they have a womens program – Jewel and they arrange for one on one learning – wishing you much hatzlacha
Pickled Salmon, Steak salad, chicken salad, sweet & sour whitefish, chicken cutlets, deli, pastrami salad, with tons of salads
When my daughter was in college, she found the only work she could do was clean houses – she didn’t mind and made great money.
In Jerusalem, most buildings are cleaned by men (on Friday) who are kollel yungerleit.
There is a wonderful cleaning “man” in Israel, who makes a terrific living cleaning all day. He goes from house to house, a different street a day. (He is frum)
There are frum cleaning women in Israel – they make great money. Often supplementing a job with benefits.
I cleaned houses when I was a teenager – it paid more than babysitting.
Sorry, it may be alot of money, BUT this not expensive tuition. My daughter’s last year of HS – she is now 29 was 17,500. and that was a long time ago.
FYI, regarding cost of college – yes public college is around 10,000 a year, without textbooks or transportation, BUT private ie: Stern, YU, Touro Grad, is over $40,000. a year.
We never asked for tuition assistance. My parents always said; first you pay your mortgage/rent THEN your tuition and THEN you eat.
There were years of pasta dinners, 12+ year old cars, knee-hi’s instead of stockings, “home” camp for our kids, hand me downs, and free stay-cations.
I would take my girls into Gap and they would pick out the “in” skirt this year, and I would go back once a week until the skirt went on sale and then bought it for them.
Sorry, we ALWAYS kept our kids in the loop regarding our budget. It was important for them to understand where money went. They also always worked, the babysat, shoveled snow and collected soda bottles.
If kids don’t earn money how do they understand how hard it is to make a dollar?
If kids are never required to make a dollar then how can they understand how hard you work to provide for them? How will they lose their “entitlement attitude”?
And yes, we live in the tri-state area.
When my first child was born, my husband wanted to set up a “college fund” that we would contribute to, on a small basis, every month.
I said – you can always borrow money for college, go to a community college for two years, have the kids work etc. BUT, how can you afford a wedding, after paying yeshiva tuition for 20 something years?
That is what we did, opened an account, put a small amount in each month, a percentage of any unexpected income, etc.
When all our children got married, we were BH” able to afford nice, middle-class weddings, Sheitlech, etc.
College & Grad School were a mishmash of scholarships, loans, partial tuition, grants, etc.
THAT we finally paid off, 7 years after our youngest finished her education.
This I learned from MY parents.
There are two separate issues here. Making a wedding/getting married.
When you find the right person you do not put off getting married. However, making a wedding is a choice. I remember, in my generation, 40 years ago, several of my friends got married without a wedding – with a rav, family & a minyan. Then her friends & family made “extra special” sheva brachot for the couple.
I know it is hard, but just ignore social pressures.
Moisha’s – Avenue M – excellent prices, valet parking, BUT Kollel store on 39th is a bit cheaper
I always give something that can be served at the seuda. Fortunately/unfortunately, I have been roped into giving the same thing year after year (when I tried something different I got phone calls !!)
I make vegetarian liver, with a bag of veggies to dip, and a selection of crackers & a fruit.
Exactly correct, that is what we do. We give a fairly large check with a bottle of wine to the Rabbeim that we wish and a smaller check to Tomchei Shabbos.
Personally, I like giving to those I personally and know they could use a bit of help.
Honestly, I do not think Rabbeim are paid enough for what they do. I think a bottle of wine, a fruit and cash/check would be most appreciated
What a nutty misconception. There are many middle class MO neighborhoods, ie: West Hempstead, Oceanside, Staten Island, etc. We may make more money because we are schooled in skills that bring in better salaries, HOWEVER, our “Jewish” expenses are the same with the exception of Yeshiva tuition. Ours is much, much higher because we expect and demand an excellent education for our children.
In my neighborhood, both parents work, often both full-time without live in housekeepers.
We may not have families with 6+ children, but there is not a family in my neighborhood with less than 4 kids in a family.
Most of our kids do not go to sleep-away camp for a full summer, because we all pay full tuition. Vacations are stay-cations OR a visit to grandparents in Florida (no hotel or restaurant expenses) Most of our Yeshivas have uniforms as well, so our children do not wear expensive clothes. Our girls babysit, our boys shovel snow, and we all drive new cars that we keep forever.
Flatbush is NOT typical of MO and neither are the 5 Towns, because too many of these couples are living on Mommy & Daddy’s money. Their parents buy their houses, the kids clothes, and help pay tuition. They are not typical of MY lifestyle.