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Perhaps you can introduce to him, in a non-judgmental way, an alternative way. There’s no law that says he can’t relate differently to your kids if the two of you decide that works better. Perhaps speak to a trustworthy Rav that knows you both and see what ideas he has.
It’s also important to differentiate between the different types of “going slow” as I can’t believe gedolim are against learning pshat, whatever it takes this generation to do so.
Speaking of weather, the other week there was a storm consisting of “tea-cup sized hail”, as in ICE in AUGUST, that fell on the communities roughly along the Queens-Nassau border.
China today had sustained 60+ ft waves that threatened a chemical plant that, it seems, they’re scrambling to keep safe.
Not to mention Japan’s 1-2 knockout punch earlier in the year.
And on a different note, the relatively vast number of roshei yeshiva who recently joined the Yeshiva shel maalah, as well as the young kadosh vitahor tinok shel beis rabban Leiby A”H who did as well.
Lihavdil, the general economic situation/depression and now the “threat of default” nonsense that just ate up more millions of dollars of people’s money…it’s hard to imagine that such things could not have been prevented and/or at least nipped in the bud. But they weren’t and here we are.
And in Israel, supposedly not so hard hit by this “recession”, even working people with decent salaries can’t pay their rents and have taken to the street to emphasize that.
The umos haOlam obviously don’t get it, of course, and, in truth, nobody other than a navi knows what Hashem’s reasons are, but if one had to speculate, one might think that while the umos are busy upending the natural order of the world by turning upside down the definition of marriage to include kesivas kesuba lizachar, about which that is their only zechus for kiyum as Chazal have said, (not to mention their general descent into ever more brazen and deeper immorality) Hashem has inflicted massive physical upheavals to the natural order, most easily seen in the major weather-related anomalies.
And the riots in London that have spread to neighborhoods where acheinu binei Yisrael are living.
This is all (both individually and together in the broad picture) very, very, very much not normal.
May we all be zoche to the geulah sheleimah BB”A.
I have a number of good friends, some Ashkenaz and some Sefard, and there are plenty of “intermarriages” between the two groups.
But the comparison to MO or chassidus is a faulty one. An Ashkenaz person and a Sefard person who went through the same or similar schools are likely at a similar level of observance and hashkafa (every individual is different, of course, though) so you would expect shidduchim between those 2 groups would make sense. But to compare that to an MO or Chassidic person who went to very different schools and/or has very different hashkafos, is ridiculous as one would need to adopt a very different STANDARD of observance rather than adapt to slight differences in the SAME LEVEL of observance.
First, I’m sorry to hear of your pain.
Second, I think observanteen and others said it well.
Clearly, he is having some serious issues, and, as much as he *may* be struggling, it is obviously absurdly ridiculous to blame all that on you not looking like you did the day you got married.
From what you described, it sounds like he is depressed and/or otherwise dysfunctional primarily due to other issues, including perhaps his marital history and other reasons not directly related to you.
Also, if he’s not putting on Tefillin due to depression then that’s a whole different story than if he CH”V does not believe in Torah and Mitzvos. I’m assuming that’s why this Rav told you to stay out of your husband’s observance issues, as it seems to be due to external issues and not anything that can be addressed in that way. If it were a matter of chizuk in emuna then that *might* be a different story, but if he knows full well he should be putting on Tefillin (and more) then that’s not something to be dealt with lightly.
As far as his rejecting you, if he’s depressed and/or otherwise struggling with other issues then even if you looked perfect it still wouldn’t take away that depression and/or other issues. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be helpful to him; the more that works out well, the better, of course. But from what you write, the main problems/issues would still be there and outside intervention of some sort might still be needed.
A professional should be able with Hashem’s help to sort this out and that hotline might have the right shaliach on their lists.
Hatzlacha Rabba and much simcha viNachas to both of you from each other and your families.
I’ve seen many good photogs who do NOT “get in the way”.
Though I don’t really see the premise of the question…
The comment of:
“” but if you look into the story lines”
True, but by that standard much of Tanakh would be problematic.”
has implications that border on apostasy, CH”V.
And how dare anyone compare our holy Tanach to the depravity of the secular world?
Looking into the story lines of an opera, by your own admission, indicates various problems that make it unsuitable for consumption by G-d-fearing Jews. You mitigate that by positing that Tanach has similar issues, CH”V.
In this regard, the key difference between opera and, lihavdil ribei rivavos havdalos, our holy Torah, even assuming the stories are somewhat similar, is that if Hashem chose to put the story of, say, pilegesh biGiv’ah in the holy Torah, then he intended at least someone(s) to intentionally sit down and study it learn something from it, perhaps not a 10 year old child, but certainly some people at some point in their live(s). And, equally important, even *if*/when there were aveiros committed in some of the stories, there is no tumah in appropriately *learning* about it, as Hashem and His Torah are kulo kodesh. There is certainly no such guarantee about much else on this earth, and as you yourself admitted, certainly not on an opera performance.
Even if you might find one or more positive lessons to learn from an opera show, which is quite possible, this does not permit one to trample the other issurim to do so. So the holy Tanach (of all things!) cannot be used to justify immorality nor CH”V to suggest that any immorality is found in appropriate learning of the holy Tanach which is the far worse of the two implications, imho.
Unless you get a personal psak otherwise, I would think Pac Man is basically on the money (perhaps they’re not 100% treif, but they are all definitely treif to various extents).
FACT: You are at least 99% guaranteed to negatively affect your neshama if you go to any performance that is NOT conceived, produced and acted by (pure) Torah-observant Jews. Simply, there has to be at least something in there, whether in concept, execution or both, that is kineged the Torah.
Shevet Reuven fell for Korach’s illogical arguments and rebelled against Moshe Rabbeinu who spoke to G-d face-to-face, Rashi says, because of their proximity in their encampments. But you’re sure you won’t be in any way negatively affected by going to an opera show? Really? It seems foolish and intellectually dishonest to bring raayos from what great men like these did in the times they lived in then for what could very well be personal or otherwise specific reasons/parameters.
In case this is not obvious: when you go to an opera show (or baseball game or anywhere else), you are subconsciously assimilating everything you see and hear. Now multiply that as needed given the emotional song and dance that goes on and it’s much more than subconscious (which is bad enough as you can’t defend it if you tried, unlike someone offering you a ham sandwich).
Besides the above:
The sexual debauchery of today was not what Rav Hutner allegedly went to see at an opera show. Also, since you’re not Rav Hutner, unless your Rav tells you it is okay, it is absurd to cherry-pick something he did then and take it as a carte-blanche heter for you. Incidentally, I don’t recall he recommend Opera in Pachad Yitzchak. Do you have a source for that?
Ditto for Rav Soloveichik, who, by the way, said that the more one can DISengage from modern society, the better! But cherry-picking and ignoring that is more convenient, of course.
Again, not every heter is universal or even close to it. Many are highly individual.
The technical parameters of kol isha are mainly irrelevant if you’re trampling on other issurei dioraysa and dirabbanan as those would in and of themselves forbid one from going to an opera performance. Such as, perhaps, Lo Sikrivu and uvichukoseihem lo seleichu for starters.
Whatever bein-adam laMakom aveiros you may choose to do are between you and G-d (and your Rav, if he permitted YOU to do it), but it’s certainly inappropriate to besmirch the name of great talmidei chachamim (who, as human beings, could have had special circumstances and/or could *possibly* have erred) to give yourself a faux heter to violate issurim chamurim.
I believe it’s actually a machlokes if the mitzva of tzitzis applies during the day or if wearing daytime clothes.
In addition to being mevatel the mitzvas asei, since everyone else is wearing tzitzis all day, one would likely be considered poresh min hatzibur if one decided that he knew better. Pirkei Avos (and, lihavdil, common sense) says not to do so.
Ask your LOR, especially regarding sports; I don’t see the sense in sweating up and walking around with sweaty tzitzis. So if you’re playing intense basketball in shorts and a tee shirt then it would make sense to me to leave the tzitzis off during that time on the court.
minyan gal, the founders of this country were proud Christians, and since their concept of “God” is the trinity while yours, lihavdil, is not, what they did at that first Thanksgiving is certainly NOT what we do every Friday night and Yom Tov.
On another note, we thank Hashem at daily tefillos and other occasions, not the once a year we get around to it, so it is at least inappropriate for that reason. (Similarly, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are also not up to par.)
July 4th, on the other hand, is completely secular and national so Christianity has nothing to do with it, presumably. Having said that, that doesn’t mean it’s therefore a mitzva to celebrate it, but simply celebrating/BBQing in a dignified manner, preferably as a seudas mitzvah, would seem to be appropriate Hakaras HaTov to this Medina Shel Chessed. Ask your LOR, of course.
Rabbi Horowitz did do a video on this topic recently, and, though I only watched part of it, it seems to be excellent.
My guess is that hoods are too casual, like Jeans skirt vs Cotton/Poly/Wool.
re: KGH
"The Sephardim pronounce Hebrew correctly. Ashkenazim destroy the language, mostly by putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable. By doing this, they often change the meaning of the phrase. And before anyone jumps all over my comments, even the 'holy' Artscroll Siddurim have indicators of where to put the emphasis."Your point on emphasis is somewhat correct, but, other than that, are you joking? How on earth can a kamatz and patach sound identical and have no sound for kamatz? And how sure are you that a tav without a dagesh is supposed to be pronounced identically with a dagesh?
The teimanim, who differentiate each letter/dagesh much more than sefardim and even ashkenazim do, are probably the closest to the original.
But Zionist hebrew, as a made-up dialect, has no place in anything holy like Tefillah. Nor does Yiddish, for that matter, just because your corner of Europe happened to pronounce a yiddish kamatz more like a segol in spite of your mesorah that clearly did not pronounce it that way before that.
The biggest proof, in my opinion, as to the invalidity of many of the common pronunciations out there is the complete lack of consistency.
For example, in chassidic havaras, some “kamatz” are pronounced properly like a kamatz (as in “much”) while most are pronounced improperly like a “shuruk” (as in “boot”).
In Ashkenazic havara, girls are taught a “cholam” is “oh” while boys are taught (often after being first taught correctly like the girls) it is pronounced “oy”. Sefardim and teimanim pronounce it “oh” and Germans slightly accent it to “ow”. Yet the “oy” is still taught as the correct way to pronounce “oh”?
Regarding emphasis:
Though Ashkenazim can, should, and in many cases do use the correct emphasis “Vi – A – Hav – **TA**”, not “Vi – A – **HAV** – ta” in shema is an example of an important difference that makes for a difference.
However, since English (and Yiddish) is typically pronounced “mileil”, not “milra” as much of lishon haKodesh is, English (and Yiddish) speakers tend to inadvertently but incorrectly apply the same pronunciation to lishon HaKodesh. This is a problem, and should be corrected, but it is not an Ashkenazi havara rule unlike the chassidic/yiddish and sefardi pronunciations whose issues *are* “policy”.
mw13, that story is nauseating and I can’t see any halachic limud zchus in that story other than “oy larasha oy lishcheino”, as in last week’s parsha. There is absolutely no excuse for acting like a common ape instead of a human being.
Chaim,
First, you didn’t write where you were referring to, though your writing indicated the Eastern side of the Atlantic Ocean. However, if you were referring to NY and you are from, say England, please realize that New York is a busy place and NYers act that way. Think “Erev Shabbos”, 30 minutes to Shabbos. If someone needs your help, you might be happy to help even though you are under pressure to get some things done before Shabbos but that is not the time for needless small talk. I am not precisely defining this, but that should be somewhat accurate. As far as I’ve seen, this is a uniquely NY phenomenon, and it definitely has its advantages, though there is a down-side, too.
Besides for the above, I think there is a certain “familiar familial” feeling that is present at some of these establishments, which precludes the ability to serve customers the way they do in the (secular) world at large.
In other words, I get the feeling that in Jewish stores in heavily Jewish areas they expect that, like family, you would let them know if you need something but that, also like family, you don’t expect to be wined and dined since you could simply “help yourself” and, to an appropriate extent, “make yourself at home” and simply “speak up”.
I think the gender thing is also an issue, but this doesn’t explain your experiences if your counter-person was male.
While it seems like it’s ultimately not correct, there really is no precedent to deciding this, unlike the sham immigration marriages, so I think it’s a fair question.
NYS has redefined marriage to be anything goes and nothing to do with things that usually come with a marriage. So why can’t 2 yeshiva guys, who can be extremely close to each another (without being physically close, of course) consider themselves “married”? NYS has has just destroyed the both the sanctity and definition of marriage in NYS, so the answer should depend solely on how the state legally defines “marriage”.
This is assuming there are no other halachic issues like maris ayin. I would assume there is no such issue here because “lo nechshidu yisrael lo al mishkav zachar…” so it should be obvious to any observer that this is a marriage in the now-legal sense but not one that violates any issurim which should mean no maris ayin issue.
“I bet if you were married in the last 20 years you came out to one of those songs too”
Bad bet to make. I have been to numerous weddings where the chosson/kallah insisted on only Jewish music and the band easily obliged them, INCLUDING for the opening dance. I don’t recall off-hand the songs used, but given the breadth of Jewish music out there, there must be (and are) options.
I feel the non-Jewish music is especially inappropriate at any seduas mitzvah, especially for a newlywed couple who are both newly tahor on their personal Yom Kippur, not to mention the rest of Klal Yisrael, so if some non-Jewish intro is played then I avoid dancing until the Jewish music starts.
zahavasdad, in addition to Health’s point, you are making a (false) assumption that you will never meet them and you are also ignoring the societal ramifications of which, as I said earlier, do apply even to those in Boro Park.
The first mistake is to think this perversion is “merely” what “someone does in their private home”.
Do you ever travel to, for example, Manhattan’s Penn Station? Do you not realize that Penn Station (not to mention beaches and other places that could be avoided) looks different today than years ago? Do you not realize that, the more “normal” this perversion becomes, CH”V, you and everyone will see men holding hands and more strutting through Penn Station? Do you not realize this will have a powerful sub-conscious impact on you and certainly on impressionable children?
That’s besides the less tangible but still frightening societal changes it would bring.
It’s unbelievable how so many otherwise intelligent people have their heads in the sand about this issue.
YES, it definitely does affect us. It should be patently obvious that if this bill passes it is not a good thing for Jews, even if the effects take some time before they filter down, CH”V (though it’s already pretty terrible, may Hashem redeem us all BB”A).
Imagine a father-daughter or brother-sister alliance wanted the same for themselves, that a father and daughter or brother and sister should be allowed to have spousal benefits. Nothing to do with the bedroom, of course, but nonetheless they want equal rights…what about a man and his dog? Still no problem?
The more “normal” any perversion becomes, the more it will infiltrate into our holy camps. There’s nothing to debate and no amount of sheltering and talking about it post-facto will help return it to the days before it became legal.
Look around Chazal and take your pick…how about this week’s parsha? Binei Reuven got caught up with Korach’s rebellion because, Rashi says, Oy Larasha oy Lishcheino. This means, simply, that the Bnei Reuven knew better than to start up with Moshe Rabbeinu and Hashem Himself, but their mere proximity was enough to have them err and commit a grievous sin, one that makes no logical sense to an outside observer given Moshe Rabbeinu’s greatness and direct connection to Hashem.
If you live in NY and care about (acting and) raising kids properly, you do not want this bill to pass, no matter how little the effect may be on you, personally.
I see the concern, and I presume they wanted to have the logo as part of a uniform but did not intend it to be advertising, just for internal unity, so to speak. This may have backfired as the OP mentioned, but I imagine they meant well.
Mike, it is indeed sad.
While it may or may not be miraculous, it has also been very disastrous. Did your family also witness the atrocities of the Yaldei Teiman to the many other spiritual and physical atrocities from then all the way forward to things like the Oslo abomination and the various vicious expulsions of Jews at the hand of Jews or other Israelis? It is extremely sad, indeed, what brought about this State and what it has done to those it ironically claims it best protects, regardless of who does or does not live there. Has your family retained its strong pre-war Judaism in a supportive Jewish environment? Has your family been exposed to good Jewish values, or was it the anti-Torah post-Jewish Zionist values (including the IDF and its gender-mixing issues, regardless of the noble work they do in defending the lives of the Jews living there now that the Zionists insisted on a State)?
In fact, there are a great many yeshivos and many gedolim who live in Israel, and I alluded to that in my prior post. But that doesn’t change the facts of what happened and what is right and what is not right. It only supplies more fuel for fallacious rhetoric in an attempt to kasher this Chazir that, sadly, is even more like an Egel HaZahav than chazir.
From a practical perspective, as I’ve often written on these boards, Israel is a reality and it has placed itself responsible for millions of our brethren. This is not a flippant matter but one that requires a prudent practical approach now that Israel is a reality and the facts on the ground are what they are. But this does not excuse Zionism nor condone it in any way. It only further clarifies the disaster that Zionism was and is for Jews as a people.
Yom Yerushalayim and all Zionist holidays are de facto, if not de jure, neutral if not sad days as any Zionist victory is built on their massive failure and tremendous damage they inflicted on us before that (and afterwards).
It would be (somewhat) like making a Yom Tov to commemorate the Warsaw Ghetto uprising. Was this a bright moment in a terribly bleak time? Definitely. Is it a cause for celebration? I don’t think so.
Is it nice to be able to go to the Kosel? Yes. Does that mean Yom Yerushalayim should be celebrated? I don’t see why it should, given the history and the facts, even if one doesn’t consider this to be further illegal hisgarus baUmos which would mean it’s definitely not a cause for celebration.
Had Zionism not started back in the 1800s, it is quite likely we would have access to worship at the Kosel even without Zionism. I have yet to hear anyone disprove or even suggest a plausible reason that this would not be the case.
Given all the political upheaval of two world wars in the last century, it is overwhelmingly likely that had Zionism not started, (Moshiach would have been here by now and) Eretz Yisrael would have been no different than the UK or any of its former colonies, which is to say Jews would have been free to worship anywhere and to buy the same lands they now own there and to build there whatever they want just as is done in chutz laaretz. Yeshivos, shuls, et al.
That is a definite possibility. Is it certain that this would have happened? No. But is it a definite possibility? Absolutely. Anyone who denies this has either been blinded by Zionism and is not being objective.
So there is no reason to celebrate Yom Yerushalayim or any other Israeli holiday because Zionism was opposed by (most) all gedolim, not just Rabbi Teitelbaum of Satmar, and Zionism is clearly nothing to celebrate (that much is painfully obvious in retrospect) and, therefore, neither are its “bright spots” (assuming it is even an overall bright spot).
Re: Lemony Snicket:
“Ever heard of the 1929 arab pogroms? Almost 20 years before the “medina” was even created, arab savages murdered 133 Jews including 68 in Hebron just for the simple fact that they were living in the land of their Forefathers. It’s almost as if you’re making an excuse for the arab brutalities. “
You’re inventing reasons for what the savages did. And you’re wrong, according to people who were there, like Rabbi Kaplan. Have you ever heard of “Shema Yisrael HaKosel Shelanu HaKosel Echad” which was a “religious zionist” idea at the time? This inflamed the savages (who were told that Al Aqsa was being threatened) and they acted like the barbarians they are.
So the Chevron Massacre does NOT at all indicate that the Arabs hated us before Zionism as Zionism actually pre-dated both the State and the Chevron Massacre by a good number of decades and the massacre did not happen in a vacuum.
None of this is intended to in any way excuse the savages for what they did. But it is also fallacious to say Zionism had nothing to do with it.
FAFSA is what, $5K max per year? And it’s also income-restricted, right?
So how does FAFSA (is MASA a state program that applies only to your state) help when they want $22K?
Goq, I am saddened to hear your pain, but I would hope that, in fact, you are misinterpreting her gestures and she has nothing against you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she just heard that gemara about Uncles marrying Nieces and that kind of threw her and she was shy and confused because of that…also, young people do some strange things, both of which others have noted.
I’d be surprised if she actually intended to make you feel bad, though I obviously don’t know the people personally. I hope you can keep a good relationship in the future, BE”H, once this phase has passed.
Many simchas for all of you!
NK is not the “right-wing” of “Orthodox” Jewry. They are the most extreme, perhaps, in their anti-Zionism, but that doesn’t innately make them the greatest proponents of the Torah.
The whole question of L/R Orthodoxy is somewhat meaningless as we’re talking about Toras Emes, not, lihavdil, petty politics. And you can’t be only somewhat orthodox; you either are, or are not. Are there chumros? Yes. Kulos? Ditto. But that’s a much more rigid framework than lihavdil ultra-liberal Democrat versus ultra-conservative Republican.
Also, since Mesorah and Minhag play an important role in “Orthodoxy” (among other reasons), it is therefore a totally different question than, lihavdil, something as inane as politics.
MANY guys continue to smoke after they get married no matter how much they love their wives. This is reality, and if you are willing to risk your life by dating a smoker, please do NOT have any illusions that he (or she) will likely quit. Is it possible? Yes, and I do know one or two people who have. But are the odds in your favor? NO WAY!
You can ask your mechaneches, Rav or whomever you look to for advice, but there is no person on this planet, no matter how many other maalos they have, that is worthwhile dating if he is so lacking in middos and brains that he is a smoker, even a “once-in-a-while” smoker. It’s very wrong and it speaks terribly of the person who smokes.
I happened to have been at a popular minyan factory in a certain well-established frum neighborhood and it was disgusting that there was no smoke-free area of the shul that I could get to and (not that anyone was smoking in shul, but) the strong lingering stench of cigarettes was repulsive (and a chilul Hashem). We are an am navon vichacham and yet this is what a shul smells like!?!
Also, anyone who starts to smoke now has an even lesser likelihood of quitting than someone who started 10 years ago, as someone who starts now is ignoring the many additional years of further medical knowledge of this deadly disgusting disease-causing dumb and deranged ADDICTIVE habit.
Whether or not it’s on the news as a major event, one can safely assume there are military operations constantly going on in conflict areas worldwide.
So it’s a safe bet to assume that there are at least some soldiers in Gaza. In the event there aren’t, I’m sure Gilad Shalit, may Hashem free him from captivity soon, would appreciate the Tehillim said on his behalf as he is reported to be in Gaza.
Virtually every society has its elegant and put-together form of dress. The form of dress of the United States and of many “Western” countries is that of a suit and hat. Unfortunately, the hat (and suit jacket, and soon the tie, too) have been mostly abandoned due to society’s decadence. However, the many military and other respectable institutions (like police departments), whose uniforms do include a hat, provide continued proof that a hat (and suit) is the most elegant form of dress, even if you would not nowadays wear a hat if you are not in a profession whose uniform includes a hat.
The black hat, in particular, is essentially as Grandmaster stated above. It’s not innately any more respectful than a different elegant hat, say, a Navy uniform’s cap, but in context it most likely is.
Therefore, *unless your minhag is otherwise* or there are practical consideration involved (work, people, etc.), it follows that a yeshiva-educated male would wear a hat to davening if not also throughout the day not less than, say, a firefighter or police officer wears his cap whenever he is on duty.
See the rishonim on Yaakov’s hiding Deena, during the meeting with Esav in the begining of Vayishlach, so Esav shouldn’t see her. The rishonim seem to say this was not proper as Deena, were she to have been his wife, could have influenced Esav Harasha to be better. Even Esav.
It’s obviously inadvisable to sit next to the opposite gender even if it’s not as obvious as not eating pork. Have you ever heard Lashon Hara (without wanting to, of course)? Does that make it okay? Obviously not.
And, incidentally, (perhaps?) you should not sit next to the opposite gender on a bus or train (even IF it is not technically forbidden? Ask your LOR, but don’t assume and extrapolate when it is not based on halacha.
As far as concerts, while it might be just fine to sit next to your spouse at a concert, that doesn’t mean there are no other issues in mixed concerts that need to be addressed. Are there any issues that concern you, personally? Perhaps ask your LOR.
Regardless of whether or not it is halachicly acceptable, I cannot see how the “oy” sound can possibly be the original authentic sound for a cholam.
1. Many people who pronounce the cholam as “oy” are not consistent in doing so and often switch back to “oh” even in the same sentence as another cholam and even more often by Hashem’s name, for some reason.
2. Sefardim and Germanic Jews all say “Oh”, though the sound is sometimes closer to a kamatz by a Sefardic Jew and more like “ow” by a Germanic Jew. But there is no extra “yud” in there any way you slice it.
3. That most women are taught “oh” and not “oy” is fairly indicative which is the original and which has been somehow adopted by a “yeshivish” crowd. If “oy” were the “real” sound then you would think that women would be taught to pronounce it that way, too.
While a posek should be consulted on this matter, my personal understanding and thoughts, based on what I have heard from prominent reliable people is that a shul and even a yachid cannot put someone in a situation where the person will either likely or definitely, (I cannot recall which, now) drive on Shabbos. More precisely, when dealing with someone who you know would drive on Shabbos, there has to be a practical and plausible alternative before you can invite him to your shul/home etc. on Shabbos.
Furthermore, to keep a shul parking lot open past the start of Shabbos, in a case where people will likely use it, seems irresponsible and a chilul Hashem. If they want to drive, they’ll find a way without you opening a parking lot for them as long as you do so with love and sincerity, not holier-than-thou nonsense.
A conservative Jew once mentioned to me in conversation that he lives too far from shul so he drives because how could he not pray to G-d on Shabbos just because he lives too far away? I was so thrown by this line of thinking that I regret I didn’t have an answer for him at the time that would not be CH”V embarrassing or offensive but still convey the fallacy of this argument.
The obvious flaw in that argument is that it is forbidden to drive on Shabbos. Prayer, however, can be done at home, too, even if this is not as preferable as praying in the synagogue. But, again, driving is absolutely forbidden barring pikuach nefesh et al reasons, so there is no justification for ASSISTING someone in doing so, CH”V. If someone parks around the corner then that’s his business, so to speak, but that doesn’t mean you leave the parking lot open to welcome the behavior, CH”V.
As with any mitzvah, the ends do NOT justify the means, and the future potential shemiras mitzvos is wonderful, but you can’t help him be mechalel shabbos to attain that wonderful goal. Let Hashem take care of His children while you work with them only within the framework of His Torah. Hashem is looking out for all His children and obviously does not want nor need you to assist in Chilul Shabbos.
Princess, I believe there is a very important difference between secular music and Jewish music derived from secular sources.
Secular music is an expression of a secular soul. Jewish music is an expression of a Jewish soul. If a composer has motives of kedusha when writing his music, even if the music is otherwise similar to secular music then it is still an entirely different animal than its secular music counterpart.
There is plenty of Torah regarding how music is an expression of the soul and that it touches the soul directly.
Put simply, music is extremely powerful and its deepest “language” is understood by your soul, not your brain.
Why would anyone want to contaminate their neshama with some (low-life’s) “music” no matter what the lyrics, or even if it is instrumental?
Having said that, I have heard that this does not (fully?) apply to classical music. But it’s hard to imagine how any non-Jewish music could be safe, even if instrumental.
As far as college environments for women, there are convenient and reasonable options like Touro, if you want gender-separated classes in a Torah-observant environment.
For work purposes, this varies by the workplace. Generally, you do not want to be in a position where you need to become emotionally close to someone other than your spouse.
But many homes are 2-income households anyways, so it’s not like the woman would otherwise sit at home; they’re just making do with less (or being supported or some combination, thereof) while the husband learns.
Comparing movies to the Internet is like comparing a Bais Zona to an apartment complex.
In each side of the two cases, one could find pritzus. But in each, as well, there is far more in one side than the other.
In other words, while the Internet contains both good and bad, as does any place where large numbers of humans exist like an apartment complex, any modern movie as well as a bais zona will definitely have unkosher material in it.
I think the mod made an excellent point about being desensitized to this stuff; just because society conducts itself in a very liberal manner does not ch”V change halacha.
Also, if one reads only the reviews of the movies currently out there (without even watching anything), there is no way any halachic Jew could justify such a debased and pathetic excuse for “the arts”. I don’t want to quote titles, but it is already beyond absurd; I don’t need to see the movies themselves to know it is not for any good Jewish boy or girl (yes, girls, too) to watch.
Even in a “normal” (by society’s standards) movie, there are too many potential issues to mention in even a few sentences, and the actresses’ inappropriate attire is not even the tip of the iceberg.
As with any halachic question, if in doubt, ask your LOR.
Wolf, out of curiosity, if the problem is only the State’s inability to pay anything to a facility that teaches religious studies, then why not (at least for the higher grades, say 6+) have the Yeshiva portion of the education take place in local shuls, and then have the Yeshivos teach only secular studies in their buildings and be fully funded by the State?
This would probably bring Tuition down to a fraction of what it is now.
The notion that divorce is simply a “d-word” is, with all due respect, nonsense.
First, I would not make light of the mizbeach crying if one divorces his (first) wife, CH”V. That’s a serious statement.
Divorce has many ramifications and, for that reason alone, it should not be utilized unless it is truly necessary to do so, as opposed to anything less than necessary, including specifically *childish* divorces.
It is oftentimes also a tragedy because it is often avoidable given proper communication and proper mindsets before any nastiness starts. So it is, sometimes, a tragedy that did not have to happen if the players were both up to speed. Aseh licha Rav (uknei licha chaveir), and marital therapy as appropriate, would probably be extremely useful in nipping in the bud any potential trouble before it becomes a real issue.
Again, in cases of abuse or even for less serious issues, it would seem obvious that this is why Hashem, in His infinite wisdom gave us the framework for instantly ending a marriage in a halachic fashion. But this is not a decision to take lightly.
And the fear of divorce is not what will keep a marriage healthy. If that’s what’s keeping a marriage together then there are obviously underlying issues that must be worked through to keep the marriage truly healthy. But fear of it is obviously not the purpose of divorce nor the cause of lasting marriages.
I hope no one is upset by these ideas; some are not my own and the ones that are were just theoretical thoughts, not a critique, CH”V on anyone or anything.
I once heard someone suggest that (other than a family wedding) only the spouse who is friends with the chassan or kallah should be invited and attend, as opposed to automatically inviting the other spouse, too.
Alternatively, perhaps, I wonder if a viable and more economical alternative to the current system is to make each sheva brachos, including the wedding itself, into a “mini-wedding” so that the overall cost would go down tremendously. Meaning, say immediate family and a few Rabbanim and very close friends at the actual wedding (seudah) and then one sheva brachos per “segment” of everyone else (chosson/kallah’s friends, parents’ friends, etc.)
This way, you could also book at least 3 weddings per night per hall, which should give the hall the same parnassa but cut the cost by a 1/3rd or more.
I don’t know the numbers, but I wonder is that “7-day wedding” would make the whole thing more meaningful for everyone; the chosson and kallah get to focus on one group each night, and the joy of the wedding would get extended to the entire 7 days.
I certainly have not “thought this through” and don’t claim it is a solid idea, but I am curious if anyone else has ever thought along these lines and if anyone has any other thoughts on why it would or would never work.
Eclipse, I hope no others ever experience the pain you eloquently convey and and I don’t mean to minimize your personal circumstances.
But there are women who do not understand that a healthy intimate relationship is the main glue that keeps a marriage together. While that doesn’t excuse what men do in response to a lack of that physical intimacy, the woman, in that case, if she reasonably could do better, whether in attitude or in deed, she is playing with fire by not doing what she should be doing.
Men also need to know the emotional needs of women, and be able to reasonably fulfill that, too. One leads to another the other leads to the first.
Rabbi Shafier, of The Shmuz, has an excellent “Nidah” series of audio shiurim. In one of those, he mentions how Yaakov Avinu should have been “head over heels in love” with Leah simply because he married her and had an intimate relationship with her. If I recall, it was only because Yaakov was the Ish Emes that he was and Lavan’s trickery so abhorred him, that this was able to override an otherwise natural (and this is also common medical knowledge) feeling of being emotionally bonded to Leah.
I may not have accurately repeated this portion of his shiur, as I listened to that shiur a number of years ago, but you can get it online and hear for yourself.
As mewho and deiyezooger said, just don’t lie about it. Money comes and goes, but once trust is broken, it is very difficult to repair.
In Shema, the common way I have seen children taught is “vi-aHAvta”. The correct way is “VI-ahavTA”. There is a difference in meaning between the two, and I was told one is not yotzei if one reads it the wrong way.
The common way of singing Adol Olam and Yigdal also have many mistaken emphases.
For example, “nosein larasha ra, kirishaso” should really be “nosein larasha, ra kirishaso”. Translated, “…He gives to the bad wicked one, like his wickedness” is incorrect. It should be (forgive the rough translation) “…He gives to the wicked one, ‘bad’ like his wickedness”.
And many others if you simply listen as they are sung.
Not to mention that the whole havara of many of these tunes including the ones for Anim Zemiros is almost completely incorrect as the songs typically emphasize the first syllable as is typical of American English instead of the last syllable of lihavdil Lashon Hakodesh; often, the meaning is changed and is still incorrect regardless of whether or not it actually changes the meaning of each word.
Someone’s got to redo all these tunes.
Charlie, the numbers are still a staggering contrast even with the 5 you added. And it would take many more to make it even close considering the vast proportional difference in total population numbers.
So let’s not be disingenuous.
I assume this came up due to one of the stories YWN posted today, the one about the Jewish German doctor who refused to operate on a patient who is seemingly a neo-Nazi.
I won’t repeat my comment I wrote there, but I think CantorEsq has a very good point and it seems silly to “punish” for atrocities that were committed 70 years ago but not for atrocities that were committed before then.
Clever, it was truly saddening to read your personal story, and I hope Hashem blesses you with happiness and success from here on.
I also am impressed and commend you that your attitude is to hope to one day be frum. Hashem certainty doesn’t give up, and haba litaher misayin oso; when one tries to better himself, he is granted special help from Hashem to do so.
A good and trustworthy Rabbi would definitely be a tremendous asset and sounding board and source of advice, IMHO.
In addition to “not judging Judaism by its members”, I wanted to touch on some of your points you made, as I have been reading the coffee room more than usual, myself, recently, and wanted to give you my impressions on what you wrote.
“1:New York is the end all be all to Jewish existence”
Having been in a number of communities around the country and beyond, I would say that New York definitely has an infrastructure that is unmatched elsewhere and there are realities that reflect that. There is also a certain influence that the uniquely dynamic and busy nature of New York has on everyone, and that is also not duplicated elsewhere, in my experience.
But, no, New York is not the be all and end all, and there is actually much more to even New York than the stereotypical Boro Park and Flatbush.
However, I think that people who grow up with everything within 2 blocks of their homes simply do not have the mindset of specifically getting to be familiar with other places. Whereas if you’re used to, say, getting meat from this city and your benchers from New York, you are much more likely to have a “global village” mindset than if everything is around the corner or a block away.
“2:Women are not to be trusted and should have their every breath monitored until they are married and then its their husbands problem.”
I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but I certainly hope that’s not the case. Young women are trusted to do chesed in various places, to go to school alone and/or with friends, among other “trust” placed in them. There may be odd cases in certain sects, but that’s certainly very far from being representative of observant Judaism.
“3: A child who maybe doesn’t fit in an exact mold of a community, school or even family is damaged and should be excommunicated to not damage the “untainted children””
I have personally seen the opposite, in more than one instance, and even if the child is (beyond) not Shomer Shabbos at that point. I believe parenting takes a tremendous amount of siyata dishmaya and some parents, when given this incredible challenge, R”L L”A, may have a hard time handling it. But please know there are lots of good people out there who do not at all do what you describe, and their kids ultimately become tremendous assets to society.
“4: Working is a last resort for men and only “learning boys” should be considered for shiduchim. Working boys get first crack at the bargain bin.”
I think this attitude (again, not at all a hard and fast rule) is slowly changing, and also I happen to know many “working boys” who have (as far as I can tell) spouses that anyone would be proud to have and, most importantly, that they are proud to have.
“5: Balei Tshuva are only a breath away from being not frum and should be avoided like a bomb about to go off. Converts should be viewed with skepticisim if not completely treated as pariahs.”
Again, I know countless examples where this is not true and where Baalei Teshuva are, in fact, treated with even more respect due to their impressive journey. The few converts I know are well-respected, too.
I guess the bottom line is that there are all types of people in this world, and I believe that while not everyone is perfect, our people have much to admire in each other.
Hatzlacha Rabba and all the best.
mw13, Thank you. I appreciate your kind compliment, even if I am not quite so deserving of it.
Wolf, I don’t believe any of them present themselves as being under the authority of any gadol/gedolim, nor as endorsed by the same.
However, HaModia does give me the impression that it is run by people who are in close connection to some unknown Torah institution (and its leader(s)) and are, therefore, more strict with what they write or don’t write, etc., while Yated seems to be more independent and run by the publisher’s personal hashkafa with, I imagine, some input from whomever he feels he should be shoel eitzah from. I do respect both, personally.
The Jewish Press, on the other hand, seems to do whatever the publisher feels is appropriate, which I also respect.
twisted:
You ignored the others who did post logical and coherent arguments (and did not answer them) but chose instead to focus on those who may have ventured beyond the line. You then used that as an excuse to ignore the legitimate position of the opposing side.
Your statement that “What you are fighting is the disease of creeping isms defended by insecure and frightened people.” is mainly a projection; in other words, you’re really looking at “yourself” (your position) in the mirror.
You seem to insist that those who believe these publications should not put in photos of women, in light of kol kevuda bas melech penima, as has been mentioned numerous times, are “insecure and frightened”.
You can come up with sevaras to eat treif, too, or for any aveira or “improper behavior” (the yetzer hara does it all the time, to our detriment). But that doesn’t make the aveira (or impropriety, as the case may be) go away.
Again, we are not radicals and women do appear in the public eye as needed and they live normal happy lives, BE”H, as they drive, work, run errands, etc.
But at the end of the day, a women’s dignity is clearly enhanced if she is not placed in the public eye. That is debatable only if one subscribes to “isms” like “feminism” and “women’s liberation”, which are quite contrary to our Torah. It is also debatable only if one is too “frightened” to submit one’s world-view to conform with, rather than CH”V bend, the Torah.
Some seem to feel that, essentially, it is better that a woman sacrifice some of her dignity so people can see her as a role model or for some other possibly noble purpose. But noble purposes do not override her dignity as a bas melech and, thus, that would seem counter-productive and ultimately, not the ratzon Hashem.
I respect Jakyweb’s position and have taken time to respectfully present my view with regards to Jakyweb’s points. But your comment seems disrespectful and condescending to those who do not agree with you.
First, there are exceptions to every rule.
The equivalent in women is probably 17 versus 20, or perhaps 18 versus 21, but that’s just an illustration and not an exact comparison.
Regardless, for most people, there is a tremendous amount of maturity that a young man gains between those 2 ages you mentioned, in the three years from 20 years old to 23 years old.
So, first and foremost, the difference is much emotional maturity.
However, that 3 years of additional learning and life experience should not be discounted either. That’s 3 years in a yeshiva or multiple yeshivos (multiple rabbeim, varying hashkafos, different inter-personal experiences, et al.) as well as, for some, college. And 3 summers working as a counselor or in an internship of some sort. Or perhaps not all of that.
But you don’t have any of that by the age of 20 (in most cases). But you could have it (including a college degree and the attendant work and discipline that requires) by the time you reach 23.
PY, I agree with you on this one; Hillel Leib, your story is a beautiful one and I appreciate you sharing it; may you have much nachas from your children and family.
Lomed Mikol Adam, the past is *not* irrelevant, but your assertion that “there is absolutely no option of dissolving the state” is.
Look at what Zionists themselves did to their own subjects in Gaza and other places. Using their own forces, they were able to take Gaza (and turn it into the savage mess it is today) and make it Judenrein with no loss of Jewish life. So there could theoretically be an organized population transfer if that were called for.
But that’s irrelevant. Even if the State of Israel were necessary, that would NOT imply any need to support it. There is such a thing as a necessary evil and there is also such a thing as shev vi-al taaseh.
I’m not saying either or both apply or don’t apply here. But any alleged reason for its continued existence is not a reason to make special misheberachs for any State.
re: Anon
I noticed, btw, that one of the above-mentioned papers will sometimes write the article author’s name in full (e.g. Jane Doe) and others will write only the first initial and last name (e.g. J. Doe).
My assumption, upon seeing this, is that by an unmarried woman they would use the full name while for a married woman they do not (this is only a guess, of course, because I do not know the authors), also to conform to this holy practice of not referring to a married woman by her first name.
Referring to someone by their first name conveys a certain familiarity and since a married woman is an erva and one must distance one’s self from an erva, that, perhaps, is why we do not address a married woman by her first name.
I’m not sure if that’s what anon was referring to above, but I still think a letter to the editor is the best way to find out.