Midwest2

What we have here is a common sense gap.

Fact: There are slightly more boys born than girls. Boys are more fragile medically, so in societies where there is poor health care the ratio at adulthood is basically 1 to 1. In societies like ours with better health care those “extra” boys survive, so there are slightly more adult men than women until late middle age, when men have more heart attacks, etc., and the ratio goes down.

So what are we doing wrong? Some possibilities

1. It’s pretty obvious that if boys start dating at 22 and girls at 19 there are always going to be two years’ worth of girls unmarried.

2. The consumer mentality has taken hold – “Only the best is good enough for my son” which is actually “Only the best is good enough for ME.” It also leads to an unrealistic feeling of entitlement on the part of the boy, which doesn’t help the marriage to work out.

3. The emphasis on money so that the boy – whatever his own talents and wishes – should continue learning indefinitely – is leading to a real inversion of our values.

4. While there are also girls going off the derech, most of those OTD in the early ’20s are boys, amking things even more imbalanced.

5. It’s possible that some single girls are staying single because they consciously (or more likely, unconsciously) don’t want to end up in the “Wonder-woman” syndrome trap – working, having a baby every two years, taking care of the house and putting together fabulous yon-tov menus, and going from one day to the next feeling exhausted, with no end in sight, while the husband either sits and learns or works at some unskilled job which is all he can get because he has no secular education.

While I don’t have any solutions that are workable in our current state of mind, I can make one prediction: as the generation of “older girls” continues to get older, we are going to have a new wave of dropouts – not boys who can’t fit into yeshiva but girls who aren’t allowed to fit into the “wife-mother” role because they haven’t been allowed to. Then, we will have some very bitter souls who rightfully blame us and transfer that blame to Torah life in general. And many, of course, will drop out quietly, perhaps (hopefully) eventually marrying those boys who dropped out ten years before.

Whatever happens, we’re in big trouble. The RYs at BMG and the other BH yeshivas need to do a din v’cheshbon on our social situation, and show some leadership. If the Gedolim after the war could virtually invent the modern yeshiva, surely their grandsons can invent the tikkunim needed to adapt it to the current situation of frumkeit in the US.

And my apologies to Dorothy, Toto, the Wizard and the rest of the gang. Probably not too many people in the CR remember “The Wizard of Oz.”

Ofcourse – my experience is otherwise – and as an interested bystander, not a consumer (at least not for quite a while). There are far too many people for whom the parnassa angle comes first, and it’s hard to find someone who’s willing to jeopardize their reputation by going against prevailing prejudices.

Speak with your academic counselor after you’ve enrolled. There may be remedial classes or tutoring available. It depends on the school. If you want to go to Harvard, you’re in trouble, but a local school will probably cut you some slack. But be prepared to work hard. Also to be interested. Chemistry and biology are very relevant to everyday life.

Also, try the Schaum’s Outline series of study books. They present the material in a very understandable and business-like mannter, with lots of quizzes and self-tests, with the correct answers explained. If you’re really in the dark, try the “XXX for Dummies” or a similar series. Ask the librarian at your local library about what to get. And be sure your English reading and writing skills are adequate. College is reading, reading and more reading. And they’ll ask you to write a lot too, term papers and exams and what not.

oomis – well said. But think – is it really the people themselves saying it, or just the assumptions of the shadchanim? We have no real way of knowing what people really want, because the shadchan is always there in the middle filtering and exercising the final say over who gets redt. Sure there are selfless shadchanim, but methinks there are also some pretty dense and pretty prejudiced people out there trying to do something they don’t have the good judgment to do. Shadchanus is both an art and a moral responsibility. When it’s being used as a parnassa, we can expect problems.

Oomis – you’ve hit it perfectly. I smoked for twenty years, and I think I forgot what good food should taste like. Then I quit (for medical reasons) and suddenly – my taste buds woke up. (They’d been gassed into insensibililty). A gourmet meal at a really good restaurant – also a good motivation for staying quit, which is the hard part.

Health – the regular insurance companies aren’t Socialist! They’re good old-fashioned free-market capitalists. They’re bugging you about getting generics because that way they have to pay out less and get to make more profit.

Of course that aggravates the drug companies because then _they’re_ the ones losing the profits.

And you’re actually better off. A lot of the newer drugs still in patent were never tested properly and have more side effects. Look at Avandia, which not only doesn’t control diabetes better than the older, cheaper stuff, but actually kills people itself. When in doubt, go with the generic. It’s been on the market longer, and if it’s killing people the survivors have had more time to sue and get it taken off. (That’s not a joke.)

We should all live and be well and never need any drugs – brand name or generic.

About the magazine, I’m not sure, since I don’t live in Lakewood. The obvious thing to do is just throw it out as soon as it comes and write a letter to the editor. If your friends are willing, let them do so too.

About teaching the Holocaust to children: children figure things out very young. Terrible things frighten them. What frightens them even more is when the adults around them seem frightened, and refuse to talk about things. There are various levels of “teaching” the Holocaust, ranging from the simple statement that a madman killed many, many Jews to detailed descriptions of what happened at Auschwitz. Please, be honest with your children. I know people who went off the derech because the people around them refused to talk about what happened to their (the children’s) parents and families. When your children ask, answer – maybe not in gruesome detail, but enough to satisfy the child’s need to know. Sixth grade is already way too late for general discussions, and it’s probably still too young for really detailed accounts.

Tailor your answer to the child’s character and age. If you know he/she is imaginative, go easy on the details. But never, ever refuse to answer at all. The unknown is always more fearsome.

Why is he bringing his kids to work? Is he a single father with no reliable child-care? Is his wife sick? There could be a lot of reasons he brings his kids, and why he may not be able to supervise them properly. BTW it’s unusual for a guy to be bringing his kids to work. Usually it’s a single mother who’s having trouble with childcare.

Find out first. Then (if he’s not your boss) bring the matter up tactfully. And if he needs help, maybe offer to try to help him get it.

What does being a girl have to do with what color you paint your room? Why not blue? Will that be beged ish or something?

If you have blue eyes will you have to get brown contact lenses?

If people tell you that you look beautiful in blue but terrible in pink, will you still wear only pink? (Well, actually, nowadays most of the girls/women I see are wearing black. Why, I don’t know. I would think that _black_ would be beged ish.)

Besides, the blue/boy and pink/girl is taken over from non-Jewish culture. Why should we even bother with it?

If you like blue, by all means paint your room that color and enjoy.

Why speech therapy? Do you really want it or are you just going with what everyone has told you is “suitable” for a frum girl? Same for all the other “remedial” careers. There are lots of other kinds of jobs out there. Health care technicians, for example, are in demand. Same for certain types of IT.

If you were my daughter I would advise you to go to a professional career counselor and be tested for your aptitudes/abilities and general preferences. The counselor can then advise you on which jobs you would be successful and which jobs will be in demand. Above all, don’t go to a frum counselor – he/she will just stick you right back in the box. You can explain what your halachic requirements are, and check with your rabbinic advisor as to what is suitable.

Above all, THINK FOR YOURSELF. Don’t let Yenem (“everybody else”)tell you what to do. Check with your Rabbi -and only your Rabbi) if there’s a question, and don’t listen to everybody who comes along.

I also used to try to ride my bike to work. I gave up about the fiftieth time some driver literally almost ran me off the road or into a parked car.

You may be the safest biker/driver in the world – it’s that other idiot/maniac you have to worry about. It only takes one to make an accident.

Do I wear my helmet? You bet!

All the stories about permanently injured kids r”l make us stop and think. And yes, kids did get hurt back in the day, but it just didn’t get publicized. The internet posts every tidbit it can find, so of course it looks like more, but there have always been injuries.

I have known several geirim of different “persuasions” (yeshivishe, chassidish, modern) and there doesn’t seem to be any klal. A lot depends on the attitude of the family. I even know one person who wanted to convert but in the end decided not to because his family became hysterical, and he decided to remain a righteous ben Noach.

In all the cases I know of, the ger/giyores had a halachic and personal guide, a rabbi or rebbetzin, who worked with them to decide what was advisable and permissible in relationships with their family of origin. The bottom line is that halacha must be observed, but at the same time attempting to avoid or minimize conflict, which is hard emotionally on the ger and creates a hillul haShem if there is bitterness.

It’s interesting that Mod is unhappy with specifics because the thread is getting too “detailed,” when it’s precisely the details that the poster is interested in.

One solution might be for the Mod to somehow indicate that a particular thread is “ladies only – if you’re a guy proceed at your own risk.” Of course, then you might need to have a lady Moderator 😉 Or are some of the Moderators ladies unbeknownst to us?

When we stop worrying so much about what the neighbors will think and start worrying about what our own kids will think – then the problem will be half solved. If your kid wears a blue shirt – so what? If he doesn’t want to be the next Gadol haDor – so what? I’ve heard people say really hurtful things to their kids because they were embarrassed in front of the neighbors. Or the ultimate – “How will anybody in our family ever make a good shidduch?”

Care about your kids – they’re the ikar – not about the tofel that the neighbors gossip about.

Different cultures have different rules as to what is polite when looking at other people. Some cultures look, others don’t. Some cultures count it a challenge when you look for more than a second. If you live in NYC you will encounter all kinds.

So – better not to look, but don’t stare at the ground either. Just keep your eyes ahead where you’re walking (good for not falling in holes, too 🙂 and relax. Shrug your shoulders and tell your friend, “So what? Why should I care?”

BTW – HIE, your writing really is atrocious. You should be spending two hours a day on English alone. I would never hire you to do anything but manual work. “Cuz” is not a word in the English language, for one thing. What you text on your cellphone and what you should be writing as standard English are not the same.

Are you sure this is a legitimate Ralbag? Did you read it yourself inside, or are you relying on someone else’s report/translation? You can hear a lot of very “interesting” things quoted in the name of some gadol that are chiefly in the mind of the quoter.

Where is it written that person who isn’t learning full-time doesn’t value Torah learning? There are plenty of working people who sacrifice to be kovea ittim. How many kollel yungermen would get up at five in the morning so they can go to a shiur? Give up time to relax after work to learn with a chavrusa?

How many people in the alter heim were able to sit and learn full time? Are you telling me that none of them valued the Torah? If that were so, we wouldn’t be here (in the frume velt) today. We’d be assimilated. Period.

How many of these full-time learners would be able to conquer the nisyonos that working men have, much less what our forebears suffered?

Avram in MD – how right you are. When I was in graduate school (many years ago) I was at a sheva brochos when a grandparent of the kallah took my hand and began a long discussion of how awful and anti-Torah college is and how I was endangering myself by going there. I felt quite resentful at what I assumed to be condescension by a “super-frumie.” Later I found out that this person was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. It’s sometimes hard to tell when a person is impaired. And if this person isn’t impaired neurologically, they’re certainly impaired socially – autistic, perhaps, or with some other problem.

Princeton Review is good. There is also – believe it or not – a “GRE Test for Dummies” which I used in 2003 when I had to retake the GREs. I presume they also have an “SAT for Dummies” which is equally as good.

There are two parts to taking these tests. One is the subject matter. Schaum’s Outlines has good books for math. I’m not sure about verbal because I didn’t need to do too much for that.

The second, and most important part, is how the questions are set up and scored. This has nothing to do with the content, it’s just what the test-takers want. The Dummies books are good for that, also Princeton and anything else you can find. Yid.Period is right. You can know the subject inside out and still flunk the test, especially the quantitative.

The most important thing is just to take practice tests. As many as possible, from books and especially from the SAT website. Take them, score them, and analyze why your answers were wrong (or right :-). Practice the writing part and try to find someone knowledgeable to look at your papers.

And expect to get stage fright. I assume you’re going to be tested on computer, so do as many computerized versions as you can (e.g. on the SAT website).

I wouldn’t wait until June, though. Do a little bit every week – say one or two practice tests a weekend. Spacing the learning out makes it stick longer – and be less likely to desert you in the critical moment.

Good luck!

Move out of New York. Actually, out of the whole New York area. Find a community where people know who you are and remember you once in a while. In NY people are so overwhelmed with their own personal issues that they have no time for people outside their own family.

I know many people who moved to NY to find shidduchim, but not so many who succeeded. In fact, one young person in my home town moved to NY but eventually moved back home in despair – to end up marrying someone from the next block, who’d been there all along :-). NY is too big – move somewhere human-sized.

Gumball, don’t despair. There are two series of books for learning basic math. One is “(fill in algebra, geometry, etc.) Made Simple.” The “Made Simple” series is really good. Another resource is the Schaum’s Outline series. Go to an English (i.e. not a sefer-store) bookstore and ask the clerk for math study aids. There are lots of good books that explain things step by step with illustrations and practice problems. Could be your tutor isn’t in tune with how you think and you’re reacting by feeling hopeless.

I had to take the Graduate Record Exam over again eight years ago (think SAT wquared), and used these books. I actually brought my math score up 150 points. They work, and you can use them yourself and at your own speed.

BTW, do your tutor and math teacher make comments to you like, “How come you’re smart and can’t do this? What’s wrong with you?” That sort of stuff can turn you off pretty quickly.

There could also be a brain maturation factor involved. I hadn’t a clue what math was about when I took AP algebra in 11th grade. I just couldn’t see the point of it either. I also couldn’t see (hear) the point of Baroque music, which is very formal and a little “mathematical.” Three years later, suddenly I liked math and Bach too. Your brain doesn’t stop developing until you’re twenty or so – maybe you just need a little time to appreciate some things.

Go to a hotel for Pesach? If you need the break, OK. Cleaning for Pesach can be overwhelming, especially with a crowd of little ones schlepping crumbs all over.

But why does it have to be a five star luxury hotel with a heated pool, in Aruba, with a 24-hour cafe and bar and MBD providing the entertainment? Too much of a good thing is too much. Go someplace local and not astronomically priced, and give the difference to Maos Chittin. Or your yeshiva.

Remember the Yetzer Ha’Ra loves to work overtime – especially when he’s conning you into thinking you’re just doing hidur hamitzvah, but actually setting yourself up for his buddy the Ayin Ha’Ra.

Raccoons don’t hibernate, so you’ll see them around, but they den up when the snow is too deep. Then they come out and destroy your garbage cans 🙂 Check around to make sure you don’t have any nice cozy corners for them to curl up in. We had one under our porch – it moved there after we fixed the garage roof. We fixed the porch, and it seems to have moved away.

And don’t fool with them yourself – they can bite pretty competently. Call an exterminator or Animal Control.