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@Sam2: I hope you are being facetious. In fact, avodah zarah, even if it does “work” (or accomplish whatever one had wanted), is assur.
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In Navi.
Actually, I did provide a source for the story. It was in Smiling Each Day by Rabbi Twerski, in case you missed it.
Funny, I thought we fulfill our obligation to help others (and not be selfish, wow are you getting ad hominem?) by giving tzedaka, not by judging how much tzedaka others should be giving….
Try to become the kind of person who wouldn’t know a Gucci bag if he tripped on it, it’s a happier life.
How about the father doing MBP?
There is a kashering kit you can buy in a frum store (probably hardware?) that comes with a large size pot and brick with handling device.
Actually, most children are farsighted in their early years so it may be best that they start reading in first grade.
For anyone who would consider marrying a person with a history of depression, it is crucial for you to review with their mental health provider the presence of suicidal thoughts, plans and/or attempts.
You need to get friends with better kitchen skills. We got many delicious home-baked goods that you can’t find in a typical bakery.
@ThePurpleOne – you can never know what good effects your sincere efforts cause, so keep it up – don’t get discouraged just because it doesn’t seem to be working like magic.
Back in the day when a sibling was in shidduchim and nothing was going anywhere, Shir Hashirim was the segulah of choice (Perek Shira hadn’t yet made it on the scene). I was told by someone who had done it to follow a very specific formula – 40 days, same approximate time (mincha), and to say the tefilla afterward with the bakasha and to insert the person’s name after “sha’as ha’azanah” (leploni/s ben/bas plonis). [Naturally, I forgot one day and wound up doing it for more than 40 days.]
While shortly after the end of the consecutive 40 days, this sibling got engaged – which was really nice – it’s only now, after years of appreciating the beautiful shalom bayis that they have, that I regret not having tried it for more people I care about.
The only real way to get rid of mice is to mouse-proof by blocking the holes through which they enter. You can kill a mouse or twenty, but if there is access, chances are that they’ll come back. You don’t want to keep killing mice; you want to find their path and block them out. If you are up one night at the usual time (and they do tend to have patterns of times they come and paths they follow), try to see if you can find the point of entry. Steel wool is effective for blocking. And you really don’t want them in your kitchen – nothing like mouse droppings in the pantry near your breakfast cereal to make you lose your appetite.
The problem with poison is if the mouse dies in the wall after ingesting the poison, that gets pretty smelly. For this particular mouse, though, if you know that the mouse passes through your bedroom door, couldn’t you just line the threshold with sticky traps?
anon1m0us is describing the Ferber method. If the baby’s issue is that he is accustomed to one way of going to sleep and needs to be retrained, and the parents feel they want to convey their compassion to the child, this method usually works. Can you explain to the neighbors that you are trying to train him to sleep and maybe a fan or noise machine can get them through the next 2 weeks? It shouldn’t take longer than that.
Try the godaven website.
Who had a number of names, including Re’uel, Petu’el, etc? (Hint: someone from Tanach.) Maybe we should start adding multiple names later, rather than at birth, to be fair to the traditionalists.
It seems to me that the problem is better defined as the inability of a human to fathom what it means to be lemaalah min hazman. If to Someone the future is just like the past, clearly He will know what my choice will have been. I don’t see how that limits my choice – in a practical sense, how do I experience that limitation?
There was a nice story in Smiling Each Day from Rabbi Twersky about a wealthy guy who is bragging to his Rebbe about how he is mistapeik b’muat and only eats hard bread and drinks water. To which the Rebbe replies (something to this effect), “From now on, I want you to eat stuffed geese and drink fine wine. Reason being, if hard bread and water are good enough for you, you’ll think stones are good enough for the pauper. But your mitzvah is to give generously to the poor, and in order to do that, you need to be eating better yourself.”
I tend to agree with old man – someone else’s money should stay out of your mind. Yet at the same time, I think there is something about farginning that needs to be worked on. I would hope frum Yidden could walk past the luxuries owned by the rich and say, “Thank you Hashem for giving my fellow Yidden parnassah.” This is the achdus we should feel – I am happy for my brother that he is successful, and I wish more of my brothers were.
If you don’t care for overbaked cheese, reserve half the sauce and all the cheese, and add only for the last 10-15 minutes.
@basyechida nomore – it’s true that that rule will not work for everyone, but it’s good to keep in mind that feeling tired often leads to things being blown out of proportion.
In the Torah it says “Aser t’aser” and we learn from this “Aser bishvil shetisasher”. It is clear from this (and many other sources) that ashirus is a bracha. I believe it’s important to realize that hashkafically, the Torah considers wealth a bracha. How could the Torah consider something a bracha if it was virtually guaranteed to make a person “not such a tzaddik” – in other words, push a person away from Hashem?
Now, what an individual does with his brachos – and whether they present new nisyonos to him – is a separate question.
Mazel Tov! I think it’s only fools who aren’t nervous before such a big event.
About marriage…
Get ready to develop your middos.
John Gray’s “Men are From Mars” was a useful tool for understanding why men consider a vacuum cleaner a great gift, and why women need to go shopping (or something like that). It helps if you can use the ideas to build empathy, the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Empathy is the ability to give the other person the feeling that you understand where they are coming from, and are there to emotionally support them. It is not taking your wife’s side against her boss (in a typical situation) “Wow, he is so mean”. (Or worse, “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”) In fact, your wife would (in normal circumstances) want you to just hear her out, and help her ride out the wave of the emotion so she can get to a place where she can make peace with whatever incident occurred and move on.
Also, Rome wasn’t built in a day – when you encounter a bump, keep a sense of proportion. A good relationship is built in the course of years.
@Be Happy: that reminds me of a funny variation – never go to sleep angry – stay up and fight! Actually, we have a different rule – never go to sleep angry, just go to sleep with the knowledge that when you wake up, you’ll have more mental and creative energy to see the other’s perspective.
May you be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel filled with bracha.
FYI: For a number of years, common medical practice has been to advocate for use of pacifiers, rather than against, as there seems to be decreased incidence of SIDS associated with pacifier use.
Actually, at least one charity is doing a gift card raffle for this pool of donors. So they are perpetuating the ideal of further stimulating the economy and small business activity….
Mazel tov! Just wanted to wish you much Yiddish nachas always, from all your children.
IMHO, there is no way to tell. There are girls I knew who seemed what you would call competent. One of these is today quite helpless and codependent, another is extremely competent in the technical sense but also extremely emotionally abusive. These are just examples. And some girls who are totally not involved as teenagers get motivated when it’s their own family.
I have heard saying from a gadol of the previous generation that a girl’s Kibud Av Va’eim and tzniyus are her markers for bein adam lachaveiro and bein adam laMakom, respectively. I would only caution that you need to trust that the person that is giving you the information about those traits actually knows what they’re talking about.
Daven, daven, daven. Hatzlacha!
Unless I’m misinformed, the bugs in broccoli melt under high heat.
Could you find a source for that? The following link from OU’s website, confirming my previous post, seems to indicate otherwise:
http://www.oukosher.org/index.php/consumer/recipes/chinese_chicken_pasta_salad_pareve/
It is virtually impossible to perform a comprehensive inspection on raw broccoli. Parboil the broccoli for ten seconds to soften the florets and stems. An additional benefit of parboiling is that aphids often turn from green to brown and the florets from light to dark lush green. The contrast of colors makes the insects more easily detectable after this process. Submerge in cold water immediately after parboiling to preserve the flavor and firmness of the vegetable.
The parboiling could be the reason why frum brands of broccoli are offered frozen rather than fresh.
For someone like yourself with an affinity and knack for languages, I would recommend what the multilinguists I know do: immerse yourself as much as you can in the language.
1. If there exists a Yiddish-language radio station you can listen to, try getting the news or a topic you are familiar with on a regular basis so you can pick up the spoken method.
2. A newspaper could be helpful (those definitely exist) but you would first have to learn the alef bais.
3. If there are people you can talk to (and CAP was right – it’s less intimidating to try to talk to kids [or, I’ll add, to old people – maybe in an old age home near you?]), that’s probably a good next step.
Good luck!
A kashrus expert whom I observed doing a demonstration of bedikas tolaim a number of years ago showed that if you parboil broccoli, then slice open the florets, you will find (or hopefully, not find) blackened bugs (somewhat like sesame seeds). For this reason, he explained, fresh broccoli should never be used. Parboiling is required to see if those bugs are there. The bugs are large enough to be observed but their color makes them very difficult (though not impossible) to identify in fresh broccoli. It was my understanding that the kosher companies either provide a controlled environment or check in such a fashion that there is no mi’ut hamatzuy.
The issue seems to me threefold this way:
1. Punishing the guilty (only Hashem can truly do this).
2. Keeping the guilty from repeating the offense. Unfortunately, there is no known cure for this and while
“the Torah does afford *anyone* the opportunity to *fully* repent”, do we truly have an obligation to believe naively that someone has repented from this??? A tzadik who is seen violating the Torah must be judged favorably, but a rasha?
3. Keeping the laws of the Torah and l’havdil our host country. It would be very interesting for me to know what the halachos and secular laws are about conspicuously posting the photo and details of a known juvenile offender.
Peronally, I’d rather have safe, worried kids than unsafe, clueless kids. Please talk to the kids in your life and keep them aware of the potential dangers and how to stay safe.
The Satmar Rebbe ztvk’l zy’a broke the taboo and fear among American Jews of walking, publicly, in the streets of America dressed as a Jew.
You’re entitled to your opinion, but please realize the above is just an opinion. There was no taboo nor fear among American Jews (at least in the Northeast, where the Rebbe lived) of “walking, publicly, in the streets of America dressed as a Jew.” Please check your facts against the actual history.
Some people might have felt a need to modernize their dress in the new country and the Rebbe probably helped instill a pride in their traditional levush for those. But the assertion you make above…is simply not so.
@Think first
This woman was so impressed with his commitment to his religion that she did the business deal with him.
I am reminded of when NYT ran a column a number of years ago (don’t know if they still do) called The Ethicist (IIRC) and there was a huge raging discussion about a situation where a woman wanted to “tear up a contract” because the frum guy who she signed it with wouldn’t shake her hand, and she was offended. (Tearing up the contract, btw, would not help her AFAIK – once you sign, you’ve signed.)
I do not shake hands. But people will sometimes be respectful, and sometimes not. You can help by being respectful and menschlich about everything yourself, but it’s not all in your hands (ouch!).
This incident sounds apocryphal but is so common it actually happened to me – when I explained that I wouldn’t shake hands for religious reasons, someone said, “Oh, so you’re shomer negiah?” I found it amusing that I was looking for ways to phrase it just right and they had smoothly figured it out already.
Multiple Personality Disorder much?
I’m not really convinced about the whole dilution of talent theory, and it certainly does not seem as relevant to me in an application of knowledge and understanding.
When people will be complaining in the coffee room about being unable to find clients despite having a few years’ experience as a well-regarded Shalom Bayis counselor, then I’ll grant you that we will have reached a saturation point – at which point you can be concerned about dilution of talent.
Right now it seems we’re just not getting enough talented people trained and in the field.
@WM
Your position does not seem logical for several reasons, but I will address the midos question. There is not the same (disproportionately small) percentage of people with potential for good middos and ability to intervene successfully as there are superstar ballplayers.
This is why it’s so necessary to train our kids rigorously in bein adam lachaveiro. If they don’t have the information, some might get it from their learning, or a mussar sefer, but most will not absorb it by osmosis. By providing superior social learning opportunities, you won’t need outliers – you’ll have a bunch of inliers all with elevated levels of interpersonal skills.
We’re deeply entrenched in a culture that’s disrespectful and rewards those with bad middos. Many parents think sibling rivalry is something that can’t be helped. Who says we shouldn’t try? Learning to get along as kids is the best first building block to learning to get along with a spouse. Who knows, it might even circumvent the need for some Shalom Bayis interventions….
WOW (& Aries) – there is one point being made which I believe is flawed from the faith perspective. His RY was chosen for him by Hashem; we do not believe in accidents. If any person ever wronged him in his life (and all of us being human, we all have wronged and been wronged), we need to understand that it is part of Hashem’s plan. Some of us grow close to Hashem from His chessed, and some from His gevurah. We choose how to react to the chessed and gevurah shown to us in the course of our lives. Hashem orchestrates our lives so that we will have opportunities to grow close to Him, and may we all be zocheh that these opportunities should always make us stronger.
I am not letting the RY off the hook – but it’s not our job to go around beating up ourselves or others for making our lives imperfect. The realistic perspective that we cannot heal a child’s virus should be the same realism that tells us that our children will be hurt by people and events in their lives and all our love cannot keep that from happening – we can just hope that it will cushion them, and we can daven that they be healthy in body, mind and spirit.
Further, I once heard (although I would really like to know the m’kor for this, it resonated as true and from the perspective of emunah, it “clicked”) that the neshamah chooses its family. If he actually chose you to be his parents, that means he knows you are the best people to help his neshamah achieve its goals.
May you be zocheh to see achievements with your own eyes soon.
crisisoftheweek – yes, actually, that probably has occurred to others besides for me. He can use the computer, he can see the history. I still don’t think there’s any major “edge” gained with that – it’s not like this is a law discussion.
The primary issue to me seems to be that many of us have melted into the culturally frum designation (was it Rabbi Berel Wein who said that the pickpockets in Warsaw were all Shomer Shabbos?…) and have forgotten that we are ALL bnei and bnos Melech.
That a culturally frum woman today can appear inappropriately and people cannot even fathom having this travesty pointed out to them, is so sad.
@GAW – the look that the OP was decrying sounds like a problem at least according to your explanation of hatznea leches.
I don’t know what the solution is but prayer might be one, and strengthening ourselves and our families in the knowledge of Hashem and appreciation of what it means to be mamleches kohanim v’goy kadosh, another.
edited
@OC
I fully understand, accept and agree that tzedaka is a mitzvah that saves lives. In fact, I have at least 6 pushkas at home, which are regularly donated to. My paycheck is automatically split to a maaser account, which we use to support causes we know are worthy.
I still don’t understand why you believe that I am obligated to be available by phone for solicitation. Can you explain?
The only reasonable conclusion one can come to, is that these type of people don’t want to interrupt their busy lives of movies, entertainment and vacations to spare an “unnecessary” expense for the needy.
I feel sorry for your limited capacities that that is the only reasonable conclusion you can come to. I’m talking about eating dinner with my kids, and you imagine things about my “type of people” for what reason? Movies? Entertainment? Vacations? Vos is dos? And incidentally, a lonely random person is a regular guest in our home.
People are entitled to not want to be solicited by phone. It’s as simple as that.
Shivisi Hashem linegdi samid – there’s a reason this is our opening line in halacha. Tznius is an obligation regardless of whether a thousand men or no men are looking at you.
@bpt not sure what you’re trying to say about the shells, but when that is taken to an extreme, it is not how most women I know with yiras Shamayim would anticipate greeting Moshiach.
OC, not quite. There is no obligation to receive phone solicitations for tzedaka – in fact, millions of people managed to fulfill their obligation of tzedaka before the advent of the telephone. People these days have precious little time to spend with their family, and little patience to be interrupted at dinner time for a particular cause they will never want to donate to.
There ought to be a rule attached to the Do Not Call registry requiring opt-in for non-profit/political/survey calls.
WOW – would you try cooking together? You mentioned he doesn’t like the food, so I’m just thinking maybe planning a menu and/or shopping and/or cooking together would be something of interest? Just a thought.
I continue to hope for the best for you and your family.
What is holding you back from getting a filter installed?
I believe some geder must be implemented if, as advised, you will not confront your husband. It seems clear that something has to change, and if it will not be as a result of direct talks, it must be through direct action, i.e. implementation of filtering. Many people use split passwords for filter overrides. The husband has half the password and the wife has the other half.
Be kind to yourself and don’t blame yourself for his mistakes. This is not about you – much as it pains you and you are affected, you have one nisayon here, and he has another, and there is a difference.
Please find a rebbetzin or teacher or someone in a position to mentor with whom you have a good connection, and who you feel can support you through this. It is possible to rebuild a marriage that has suffered a blow. “Hazorim bedima berinah yiktzoru”.
I wish you much hatzlacha.
@some posters…
I’m sorry to see so much bad advice and unsupportive comments. For a woman, this is devastating. Try to imagine how you would feel if your best friend pulled off a Madoff job, add to it the nature of a woman and what she seeks in marriage, and you might have a bit more compassion in your response.
The OP raises a valid question (unfortunately, it could have been phrased with more sensitivity). It is a halachic question I have asked my Rov in general terms about maaser allocation (not specifically about infertility). I was told that rov maaser should be given to aniyim. Since I cannot be sure that the dollars I give to certain worthy organizations are going to aniyim, I allocate these funds (rov maaser) to volunteer-only organizations that feed the hungry or otherwise help the impoverished and hope for the best.
I hope this is helpful to the OP and as many have said, this is a question for *your* LOR.
WOW, it seems to me that some of this is classic power struggle. You are the adult, and as much as he may be instigating it, your son really needs you to not get sucked into his power struggles. Please read up or reach out for help specifically on diffusing or de-escalating situations with manipulation issues. All things considered, an emotionally healthy person will be in a much better position to “choose life”.
I encourage you to remember (as mentioned earlier) that Hashem chose you as the mother for your son AND your other children. He put them into a family with each other. You know that He knows what He is doing! Lost opportunities are a bitter pill to swallow. Still, I hope you can remember times you were disappointed with a situation initially and in the end things worked out for the best. The whispers and other forms of exclusion are inappropriate and not Torah-true, and I hope your children can learn this and that you can build your children’s self-confidence so that they can weather this storm.
I continue to hope and pray for the best for you and all struggling frum families.
A long time ago (i.e. have no idea what I did and if it can be done in the latest version of IE) I changed my IE settings to not show pictures by default. This is helpful for those sites. However, there are some items (videos?) that auto-play and the setting does not help for that.
Somehow this thread has degenerated to some people’s favorite pastime – bash the parents. I have not noticed one place where WOW mentioned that her son has issues with faith, yet those who have faith issues, assume that he does, too. I don’t think this is the case. He sounds like a normal teenager with a low level of emotional maturity.
WOW, if there is one thing you do, I really hope you would get parenting support. Hashem is the first partner in his creation. Do your hishtadlus, but more than that, trust Him – and may He answer your prayers soon.
OTD, life truly is too short. And sadly, I know many people with your mindset who have no zecher left of them in one generation. They couldn’t be bothered, married Reform, only son married a shiksa, and that’s the end of that. Whereas Aharon Hakohen has thousands of descendants who will honor us with their bracha of Shalom this Yom Tov, and every Torah Jew of any generation would recognize us as Jews by the fact that we cook meat separately from dairy. We have a mesorah. You may not like it or appreciate it, it may be mechayev to do so, but it is real.
Mom12, Amen! May all Yidden have a freilichen, lichtigen Yom Tov with the clarity we received as a nation at Matan Torah.
WOW, he does not want to continue in this yeshiva, and he is right – it is normal that a person who feels he cannot be successful, should wish to end that endeavor – but if you want your son healthy, I believe you must (calmly but firmly) insist on a game plan.
Since it does not appear that he is open to being mentored or getting counseling, have you considered choosing with him an out of town/country school? For a person who wants it, it can give him a fresh start. He will lose the intense influence that his crowd is giving him, it can open his eyes to different ways of being an ehrliche Yid, and it can give him the space to come to an understanding of his own relationship with Hashem and people.
A device that would allow anything I’m looking for to beep, like you can search for the cordless phone by making it beep, or call your cell phone if you don’t know where it is.
This is something I’ve thought about often. The way to do this is to make remote-enabled stickers to attach to any item. Then you have a remote which you program with the description of the item, and which will beep faster or slower according to location, like the hot-and-cold game. Of course you will stop misplacing things. (But heaven help the person who misplaces the remote…)
menucha12,
once upon a time
we feared getting nuked by the russians
drinking was the way to cope with life
parents freely spanked their children
and harassment was part of the job
We need to get it out of our heads that what was in the past is worthy of our nostalgia.
Write or wrong (or should I call you WOW?) – if I were in your situation, I would hope someone would tell me this: please find a Rav/Rebbetzin/frum counselor/therapist to walk with you on this road. There are a few good reasons to do this:
1. As much as we care about you and your situation, we (well, I for sure) know nothing about you or your son or your family. For truly good advice, you will need someone who has a much clearer picture.
For example, I don’t think the advice about listening to his earphone would EVER work for me: not as a child – I’d view it as a boundary violation, and not as a parent – I’d view it as phony.
Hopefully this person will help you gain insight into your child, give you practical tips of how to handle specific situations, and help you approach this challenge with optimism.
2. You seem to be taking this personally. This is definitely a nisayon for you, but his frumkeit level is not essentially about you. It is not about what you did right or wrong, how you favored him or didn’t favor him – not at this point. That is history. You need to individuate; this will allow you to have your rational side be in charge of this situation.
Many people like to assume that their successful children are a result of their successful parenting, but it just isn’t always the truth. Some awful parents have great kids, some great parents have terrible kids – we will only understand the reasons after 120.
3. You have other children and you know you also need to take care of your emotional health for their sake. Please do.
I will keep your son in mind in Birkas Hatorah and Ahavas Olam. He is Hashem’s child so we are only asking Hashem to do what He wants to do: to ignite the spark of Torah in his heart.
I really appreciate all posts on this thread. Some cost-cutting tips:
1. Cut the juice. It’s an occasional treat. Milk or water, only.
2. Breakfast for supper (pancakes, scrambled eggs, etc.) once a week. Less leftovers, less angst, less expensive.
3. Bread instead of breakfast cereal.
4. Drop in only (e.g. Chuppah/Simchas Chosson v’Kallah) for most social obligations. No present required, can switch off with spouse to cut babysitting expenses.
5. Pay the kids to help with chores and cut down on the cleaning help. You gain multiple times: they have their own money to spend on extras you’d rather not, you save the difference from the cleaning help, you raise children who appreciate the work it takes to maintain a home and hopefully they grow up more ready for marriage.